#emocean's

[e-m-o-c-e-a-n]

When I whispered my pain to the sky, the night bled through my eyes.

And I asked with solemn eyes, is it me or is it you who should survive?

An aberrant chuckle was heard from the heavens

And a mirror was placed.

"Now tell me child, is it you or is it you who should survive?"

[e-m-o-c-e-a-n]

we are all but lovers... of stars, of the sky, of poems written in torn pages, of shared laughter with loved ones, of lingering scents from childhood, of friendships long left behind, of music on a rainy afternoon, of hidden love letters, of memories, of lover, of beloved... we are all but lovers... lovers of love...

[e-m-o-c-e-a-n]

If I get another life I would want to be born as a person who is capable of pouring out emotions and weave them into beautiful words...

If I get another life I would want to feel more instead of this void...

If I get another life I would want to shed less amount of tears...

If I get another life...

If I get another life...

[e-m-o-c-e-a-n]

Forget me

Erase your memories of me

Let me live

Let me be free

Let me breathe

Let me crumble into stardust

Let my soul wither

Into a bloom.

© e-m-o-c-e-a-n on Tumblr

[e-m-o-c-e-a-n]

Sometimes it's hard being you because I know in your perfectly sculptured smile there are stitches that are trying to heal the wounds that go down so deep that if someone tries to go into those meterless depths they will find something that will make them you... Yeah I know it's hard being you...

[e-m-o-c-e-a-n]

tw /depression

Silence is overwhelming. Silence is deafening. 

Silence of emotions.... The inability to feel anything. It's as if I am on the verge of feeling it and then suddenly it vanishes. As if it was never there. As if it shouldn't be there.

As now I am writing this in a broad area of my mind I am constantly thinking is it necessary, am I really feeling all the things I am feeling, am I really that sad,  am I pretending, is my family right that I am just acting, is my family right that I am choosing to be sad, is my family right that they need to laugh and mock at my expressionless face?

As I am writing this I have closed and opened the draft for a few finger counted times and I don't know why I am writing this... May be to clarify the feelings of my own to myself... May be to just let it all out...

I feel like I have been trapped in this void for a long time and I am unable to figure out the way to escape it. This void of constantly self-doubting my own emotions.

This has happened often when I am unable to cry at the moment when I needed to, when my chest hurt bcs of the extreme amount of emotional abuse I received... And when I am alone after a long day, in the darkness of my room, I try to cry... I cry a lot... I cry until I have to bang my head, beat my chest, to lessen the pain inside it... And after a while, quite expectedly or unexpectedly, this thought passes across my mind that why am I crying? Do I feel sad right now? No. Do I feel the pain inside my chest? I do not. Then why? Then why? 

And like that when I start to feel the emotions, I get lost in that void of emotionlessness, emptiness... 

I ask myself why am I not feeling it? I don't get an answer. Sometimes, even after getting verbally abused, mocked for being a sad and a negative person, I don't feel anything... Nothing. I don't feel sad, angered, neither at peace... I can't even see anything infront of me. It's a nothingness that I reside in. 

And because of such nonexistent emotions I often shut myself down.. I don't reply to my friends... I can't seem to find the energy... And if I force myself to do so I feel like a hypocrite.. I am a big hypocrite, I know. But I try to not being one when I can control it. So, I talk when I am really okay, so that I don't have to fake my emotions... That makes me kinda happy that at least I have a slight control over that...

As I am writing this various emotions are passing through my mind... Righ now I feel sad... So sad... And no one's gonna know. My family is asleep. I can't sleep. And they would never understand why I can't sleep sometimes, why even after having a full 8 hours of sleep I am still tired... It's not that deep... Just get over it... What keeps happening to you? So annoying...

I am just writing whatever is coming to my mind right now... Probably after a few sentences nothing will make sense anymore...

I will just stop here... I wanted to say something more but may be next time...

I posted this on my main.. but since it deals with really really deep crevices of my being I thought I should post it here...

[e-m-o-c-e-a-n]

And yet again I was lost. Not because I couldn't find my path but because I wanted to. Leaving traces behind to be found again. But was it what I really wanted? I questioned myself repeatedly. The answers– were mixed, were incoherent and I ran towards them, losing myself yet again. But at some point I wanted to leave no traces, for I didn't want to be found again.