I'm stronger than I've been before? (not)
I don’t like the person that I’ve become.
Honestly? I’ve never felt so weak before. It got to a point where I broke down during work; full-on-crying break down in front of my mentor and other nurses… Last time I felt that weak was around January time and I locked myself in my room for about 2-3 days straight I think :| *handover face* I felt so ashamed of myself. I couldn’t believe that I got to a point where I couldn’t focus at work and I just literally broke down and cried- on the spot. It was my lowest of the lowest. Beyond rock bottom. And I felt like this all because of a guy- my so called best friend :|
I became someone I swore I’d never be; one of those people who revolved their whole world around one person. I felt so… urgh… so disgusted at myself. I became so used to always having him around, I got used to relying on him to make me happy that when he’s not around everything fell apart for me. I’d lie awake at night feeling like a huge part of me is missing and I’d wake up feeling exactly the same. That’s how it’s been like for God knows how long now. Part of it was his fault because he swore and he’d promise he would always be there no matter what but he started to drift away, and yes of course, part of it was mine too because I held onto that and I pushed him to his boundaries.
I’m living proof that insecurities and overthinking ruin everything.
Almost every girl in the world does it- overthink. Why though? Someone recently told me that the other person would’ve given you a reason to be acting like that. It had me thinking and I thought it was true… :/ All my insecurities and overthinking just kept on getting worse because he was changing, and kept feeling like I was drifting away from him, the more I kept trying to hold on to him the worse it got. Although he was saying all these things to reassure me that I wasn’t losing him, or that I wasn’t getting replaced, even though I tried to hold onto his words, his actions were speaking louder :| It drove me insane, it’s still driving me insane to be honest.
Yes, it is true, if you lose sanity and let your insecurities get the better of you, you get into this loop hole of overthinking… You end up pushing them away because you’re trying to protect yourself from the possibility of getting hurt, but at the same time you want them to stay. I don’t blame him for leaving, but there was a reason why I became this insecure.
Witnessing someone slowly lose interest in you is probably one of the worst feelings ever.
Yes. Up until now it still hurts like sh*t; how it got to the point where it feels like my best friend just lost interest in me. All those time I tried to change for him so I wouldn’t lose him, I just ended up losing both myself and my best friend. I lost you the moment you said you were on the verge of leaving me. I lost you then, when you said you’d walk away and never come back if I didn’t sort myself out. I tried, you never acknowledged it. I should’ve clocked on that it was too late.
It hurts like asdkjljfafiosdfae (there’s no word for it, honestly) thinking that someone you became so damn close to could 'out grow' you. You start blaming yourself, you didn’t try hard enough, you’ve become so repulsive to be around them, you’ve become that unbearable for them to have in their life? Have I really turned into someone that was too much to have in someone’s life?
You shouldn’t miss people who don’t miss you, right?
Last time we saw each other was about 5 days ago. Before that I hadn’t seen you for what? More than a month? No phone calls for over… can’t even remember. The first time I heard your voice after a long time you said, "Pst! Your jeans are ripped." as you momentarily played with the hole in my jeans. Like nothing had happened. It irritated me how you think you can just start a conversation with me like that; like you ignoring my messages hadn’t bothered me at all. Honestly? Part of me really wanted to just say something back and make conversation with you. But you know what? I deserve better than that conversation you wanted.
It does hurt, that you are doing better without me (as selfish as that sounds :’| ) because it hurts knowing that you’re better not having me around. It hurts knowing that my absence has become the key to your happiness. It’s a hard truth to swallow but it’s something I’m trying to accept, I’m working on it.
I do miss my best friend. I miss us. But you’re okay now, and I have to let it be. It’s never gonna be the same again.
I wanna change. Rediscover myself. I wanna be independent, secure with myself and stronger. I don’t wanna be the person who relies on others for happiness anymore.
