#empath advice

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[infpisme]

YOU’RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S FEELINGS

Years ago I worked for a startup on a tight budget, with ten of us working out of an extremely cramped office. The woman who sat next to me wore a strong perfume that reminded me of the candle store in the mall. Usually by mid morning I had the beginnings of a throbbing headache, and by the end of the afternoon I was downright nauseous.

At this point in my life I hadn’t yet discovered that I was an introvert, or a highly sensitive person (HSP), or an INFJ personality type. I just knew that I did not mix well with strong smells, loud noises, or crowded places. I was prone to headaches and anxiety and something as simple as a strobe light could set me off.

So, even though this woman’s perfume seemed like such a small thing, it was actually wreaking havoc on my daily life.

Thankfully another one of my coworkers had become a close friend. She was very similar to me—intuitive, people-oriented, and sensitive—and I later found out she was an ENFJ. When I told her about the perfume lady, she said simply, “Why don’t you ask her not to wear that perfume to work anymore? Tell her it bothers you.”

I was stunned, and speechless. That was allowed? I could ask other people to modify something because it was causing me a problem? Rationally, I understood this concept. But emotionally, it felt like my entire world had shifted.

Why It’s Hard for Sensitive Introverts to Speak Up

I am not the first HSP introvert to struggle with this issue, and I definitely won’t be the last. Speaking up for ourselves is not only hard to do, but it tends to bring up a ton of emotional baggage from the past. Most of us have felt for our entire lives that our personal needs are weird and inconvenient to others. We need more space than other people. We need more time. We need more complexity, and more depth. Because other people are often confused by these needs, or can even feel rejected in some way, we learn as children to compromise on them constantly. So, instead of figuring out how to negotiate with others for what we need, we withdraw further into our inner world, attempting to meet all of our needs there, totally on our own.

This works about half the time. The other half we end up feeling resentful, unheard, isolated, and powerless.

So, as highly sensitive people, we have two choices. We can step into our power and be uncomfortable now, in the present moment, by speaking up for what we need. Or we can choose powerlessness and guarantee that we’ll still feel uncomfortable—and probably angry and bitter—in the future, by suppressing our needs and keeping our mouths shut.

Many HSPs and introverts struggle with people-pleasing tendencies and a penchant for codependency. We really, really want to make sure that everyone in our environment is happy, especially with us. But this is a fight we’ll never win. We simply cannot be in charge of everyone else’s emotions. Nor should we be. That’s what this whole “free will” deal is about. Everyone gets to choose their own adventure here. In order to truly honor someone else it’s essential to step back and let them have their own choices and their own reactions.

If people-pleasing has always been an issue for you, this four-step process can help:

Step 1: Evaluate Your Needs

Does the thing you need encroach on the rights of anyone else? Is it harmful to other people? If you’re not invading anyone else’s space or being disrespectful of someone else’s boundaries, it’s safe to say that you are justified in asking that your needs be respected. Use common sense here as well. Sure, your coworker might argue that listening to dance music at top volume is his inalienable right, but most sensible people would agree that his argument doesn’t hold water.

The Takeaway

If you’re able to speak up for what you need and still be respectful of others, then do it. It’s not your responsibility to set boundaries for other people, only for yourself.

Step 2: Use Your Preferred Mode of Communication

Most introverts and HSPs have the misguided idea that we should push ourselves to have face-to-face confrontations with people, when there is nothing that makes us feel more like we want to crawl under a rock. But there is a solution. I hereby give you permission, from this day forward, to communicate your needs through the written word, whenever and to whomever you want, without feeling guilty about it. So send that email. Write that letter and leave it in your neighbor’s mailbox. As long as you state your needs as honestly and respectfully as possible, it’s all good.

The Takeaway 

Many introverts communicate much more effectively in writing. Use that to your advantage.

Step 3: Maintain Your Boundaries

Even after you’ve identified what you need and found the courage to ask for it, sometimes the other party will still try to push your buttons (by being consciously manipulative) or forget your previous requests (by being unconsciously oblivious). So, sometimes, you have to go through the whole process again. The upside is that every time you go through it, you get more practice on how to take back your power.

The Takeaway 

Asking once might not be enough. If you have to repeat yourself, that’s okay. Think of it as a practice.

Step 4: Hold Responsibility Only for Yourself

When you’re evaluating your needs, you might be tempted to push them aside so that your coworker can go on enjoying his crazy loud dance music every morning. When asking for your needs, you might try to soothe someone else’s defensive reactions. When maintaining a boundary, you might give in when someone tries to tear down your fence because they’ve always been allowed into your garden before, and now they don’t like feeling left out. The reactions of other people are not your responsibility. They never have been and they never will be.

The Takeaway 

You are responsible for your stuff and everyone else is responsible for theirs. You’re not helping anyone by trying to manage the emotions of other people.

Speaking up for your needs is not easy. But if you are truly committed to living your best life, it must be done. And the more you do it, the more you’ll be able to readily identify what’s yours, what belongs to other people, and how to draw the line between the two. You’ll come to a place where you step into your own power consistently, with passion and purpose.

And when you look into the mirror, you’ll respect the person looking back at you, because you’ll know that person speaks up for herself!

BY LAUREN SAPALA

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The Dark Side Of Empathic People That You Rarely See and Must Always Be Cautious Of!

Empaths are typically known as the healers of the world. They’re the people whose senses are heightened–the ones that not only see the different energies of the world, but actually feel them, experience them.

Those who are not empaths might think that this ability to feel what others feel is a gift, but if you can convince an empath to talk about their gift, they might tell you that it’s not always sunshine and rainbows. In fact, it’s quite often not a very fun gift to possess at all.

Because of their gift, so many people rely on them for support. Empaths are almost always trusted because they make people feel safe. And while the empath is capable of handling the emotions of others, they also experience quite a bit of stress because of it.

The dark side of being an empath comes in the form of having two conflicting voices constantly roaring at each other inside of their heads. Constantly feeling both the good and the bad, the negative and the positive, to the point that they feel overwhelmed.

Empaths are more susceptible to the negative energies in life. Their intense ability to feel can’t get away from the deep-rooted evils that exist in the world. Their deep understanding of how the world exists and operates is enough to confuse and sadden them. What they can’t understand is why this type of energy exists in the first place, if all it does is hurt others.

The dark side of being an empath is constantly being exhausted and fatigued from the energies you absorb. But, you’d never know it. Because the empath never dares break down or lose composure. They quietly observe, acknowledge and feel.

As many others do, empaths want to be loved and accepted for who they are. But, it is their generosity and kindness that often sees them being taken advantage of by those who only take, never give. Empaths are ‘givers’ by all means, ready to show kindness to those in need at all times.

The dark side of being an empath is not knowing that being so selfless places an incredibly heavy burden on one’s self. Even the empaths that do recognize the burdensome nature of their selflessness often choose to ignore it, because carrying that weight is more meaningful than letting it fall on someone else’s shoulders.

The dark side of being an empath is knowing that you willingly neglect both your body and mind for the sake of others. A neglect that builds over the years, eventually resulting in the need to go soul-searching once again, a practice that we only take up when we feel completely lost.

The dark side of being an empath is knowing that even when they fall in love, they never do so entirely. They simply aren’t capable of giving every ounce of their heart to someone else. They know that if they tried, the intensity of the passion would most likely be too much to handle, for themselves and their partners.

Which is why they always keep a little part of them hidden away from the rest of the world. They keep a guard up out of necessity, even if they want nothing more than to let it down and succumb to an overwhelming love.

The dark side of being an empath is the war that is always being waged within. The war they wage against the sadness, the darkness, and the sorrowful side of themselves that is always trying to rear its ugly head and lead them into self-destruction.

The only way they can fight this successfully is by learning to distinguish between emotions that are their own, and emotional energies that are imposters, invading from the outside. Empaths need people who understand who they are, people they can talk to and who will listen.

Empaths need to be able to let down the wall they’ve built up around their feelings so that they can let their empathic selves do good in their own life.

Otherwise, empaths are destined to fight a war within themselves that never ends.

By AMANDA GREENE

https://world.parhlo.com/dark-side-empathic-people-rarely-see-must-always-cautious/

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11 THINGS THAT EXPLAIN WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE AN INTROVERTED EMPATH

If you’re an empath, you probably already know that you see and feel things in a unique way. Empaths have the innate ability to truly understand other people, whether they know them well or not. With their unprecedented abilities to be selfless in a self-serving world, empaths might often feel used by others or out of place. But empaths, I’m here to let you know there are more people like you out there than you think. Upon discovering the term “empath,” it really helped explain a few things about why I am the way I am. There are a lot of ways I can describe my personality: introverted, INFJ, or a highly sensitive person (HSP), but I think being an empath is really at the core of who I am. (What’s your personality type? We recommend this free personality test.)

So, here are 11 things that helped me explain some of the out-of-the-ordinary parts of my personality I didn’t understand before. They may not be true for every introverted empath, but they are definitely true to the empath in me:

1. Empaths walk in other people’s shoes with little effort. One of the easiest things for an empath to do is understand what another person is going through. That is, in essence, the definition of the word “empathy,” which Merriam-Webster describes as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.” In short, empathy is walking in someone’s shoes even if they’ve walked a completely different path than anything you’ve experienced. Now, this isn’t to say that empaths have a supernatural ability to comprehend any human situation, experience, or feeling — we’re just better at it than most.

2. We feel deeply. I don’t know how else to explain it, but it’s as if my emotions seem to be more heightened than others around me. This can be both a blessing and a curse. On the upside, people will know I care about them without me even having to really say it. However, there are times where a greater tendency towards apathy would make my life easier; it’s tiring to constantly be experiencing strong emotions. For example, when I’m grieving — whether it be the loss of a loved one or a dramatic and unpleasant change in my life — my insomnia worsens, my moods plunge, I listen to a lot of sad music, and it becomes all too easy to choke up and lose myself.

3. We can be brought to tears over seemingly insignificant things. I’ve cried while looking at an exhibit in a museum, reading books, listening to someone tell a story, and especially while watching or reading the news. Tears come easy to me but when they do, I often need to assess where they’re coming from: the empath in me or the HSP. Both aspects of my personality can lead to an emotional response, but it’s important to identify in myself where the emotion is coming from in order to move on from that moment.

4. We are passionate. One reason we may get emotional easily is that we have a large capacity for passion. If there’s a subject, people group, or situation we truly care about helping, we will throw ourselves into the effort. If we believe what we’re doing will truly help someone, we may even be willing to go out of our comfort zones to get it done — even us introverted empaths.

5. We listen because we truly care. It’s against our nature not to care. We go beyond the shallow definition of “people-pleaser” because we not only place a lot of value in how others perceive us but also in that we don’t want to let anyone down. We have a passion for other people, and one thing about people is they love to feel heard. As empaths, we know this and look to offer a listening ear.

6. We love serving. Empaths have servant hearts: It’s hard for us to see suffering and not want to help. When we’re choosing how to spend our time, we often look for activities that have a purpose and meaning behind them. While I’ve been a student, I’ve always been drawn to organizations surrounding volunteer work. Maybe it’s partially nurture — how I was raised — but I think it’s also definitely a part of my nature, linked to the empath I am. Looking after others is also one of the ways we ourselves feel fulfilled because it’s often easier to focus on the struggles of others rather than ourselves.

7. We get other people’s feelings but not always our own. It’s kind of like having the ability to know who is crushing on your friend but being completely oblivious to the possibility that someone likes you. Reading other people’s feelings? For an empath, that’s a piece of cake. Sorting out our own inner turmoil? More often than not, a complete and utter fail. You’d think self-awareness is a fundamental human trait, but for some of us, it’s a bit trickier to figure out. Empaths feel and understand so much that sifting out their own feelings from the feelings of others can be a daunting task — albeit a necessary one.

8. We read people well. Empaths often consider the effect their words will have on the listener, because they want to know that what they’re saying or doing isn’t going to negatively impact someone. This mode of calculated conversation and action can provide empaths with a large store of knowledge as to what makes people tick.

9. We have strong, lasting connections with people we may not have interacted with in years. Once we bond with someone, it can often take on a “till-death-do-us-part” type of existence. Distance, separation, and time may cause our surface level relationship to corrode, but we still feel a strong affinity for the person who meant a lot to us at one point in time, even long after we’ve parted ways.

10. We’re often labeled as being overly sensitive or emotional. Telling someone that an emotional response makes them weak is an argument people have been using against various groups for ages. They may not be singled out in this, but empaths often fall into one or more of the groups under such reproach. Especially if you’re a male empath, people might see your sensitivity and tell you that you need to “man up.” Our culture associates masculinity and power with rationality — as if an emotional response is never the rational one. (Personally, I think there are many scenarios in which it could be construed as highly irrational to lack any emotion.) So empaths, stay strong in your own uniquely sensitive way; the world could use a whole lot more people like you.

11. Empaths are sought after but often underappreciated. Not all empaths are introverts, but the ones that are tend to be affected more by this one. When you’re a genuine, attentive listener who gives good advice, people and their problems tend to flock to you. It doesn’t even matter if they know you hardly at all, but something about empaths makes people decide to bare their souls. It’s not really that much of a shock that this happens if you consider how good at being understanding empaths are, though it can at times become frustrating. We do care immensely about the well-being of others, and that’s why we may bite our tongues and sit down to listen to someone rant about the same things again. However, empaths need to beware of one-sided relationships where they’re giving all of themselves and not receiving anywhere near the same in return.

A Final Note to Empaths

My dear empaths, you were born hard-wired to put others first. Your selfless attitude is both courageous and compassionate. Just don’t forget that it’s important to take care of yourself, too. There will be people who won’t appreciate your sensitivity or will seek to use your empathetic demeanor for their own gain; and these are the people that are not worth anguishing over. Instead, seek out the people and the places that will value you and support you as much as you support them. And don’t let someone convince you that caring for other people isn’t worth it. But then again, I’m sure you know that already.

BY SUZANNE YOST @ introvertdear.com