so 'is it better to speak or to die ' is just hanahaki disease?
seen from Kazakhstan
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Italy
seen from Netherlands
seen from Mexico
seen from Türkiye
seen from Russia
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from Malaysia
seen from Uruguay
seen from Romania
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from China
seen from United States
seen from Japan
seen from United States
so 'is it better to speak or to die ' is just hanahaki disease?
Second Bloom
Pairing: Byakuya Kuchiki x f!reader
Other characters: Renji Abarai, Retsu Unohana, Hisana Kuchiki (heavy mentions of past relationship)
Summary: You joined the 6th Division, and it's Captain developed the most peculiar sickness
A/N: Holy shit. It's been almost a year since I posted last fic, and almost a year and a half since I started this one. But it's finally finished, I am very curious thoughts of people who will decide to read it.
Content: Hanahaki AU, angst, hurt/comfort, mentions of death, possibly morbid descriptions, greif, denial of feelings, hallucinations, seeing ghosts, fighting, not really a romance but a happy ending after all
Word count: 11,827
Rhythmic knocks on his doors echoed in Byakuya’s little office, dragging his attention away from the reports he was reading. It’s been… Long. He didn’t notice when morning turned into afternoon, and even if he decided to take a break after reading just one more report, the day was already heading to an end.
“Come in.” The head of the Kuchiki clan sighed.
For months he couldn’t recall the day when he was as tired as in that moment. Maybe his Lieutenant was right after all, maybe it showed that recent events took a toll on him. Old wounds opened a long time ago, new ones appeared and he didn’t let them heal properly. Maybe he needed a bit of rest. And speaking of his Lieutenant, the fiery-red hair was the first thing to notice when he entered the room. Ah, another duty to perform, another task that feels like tons of stones on his shoulders, yet the prideful and stoic mask he wore showed nothing.
“Renji.” He greeted his Lieutenant with a simple nod. “I trust you that new recruits are waiting already?”
“Yes, Captain Kuchiki. All 15 of them.”
“I see. We shall go then.” Byakuya paused, putting away his papers. He knew this was his duty: to greet new recruits who dare call themselves pretenders to a “6th Division member” title. Of course, not every person would have the honor to bear it. He masked a little cough with his hand, and without sparing any more words, Byakuya left the room, with Renji following close.
Barracks were silent, as most of the Division members already gathered on the training grounds, closely watching the new faces, judging them, trying to guess what their abilities are and if they’re enough to gain Captain Kuchiki's favor.
You stood among all these people, with your back straight and chin slightly raised, but you tried to not look too proud, too confident or too conceited. No, you wanted to be seen as calm and sure of the choice of your future Division.
You were a Soul Reaper, who held the 21st best score among those who left the Academy. It wasn't the top spot, but it wasn't bad either. But the first 10 were usually invited to Head-Captain’s Division, while others up to 30th place could count on personal recommendation from teachers. And this, next to being privileged with a noble name, was a ticket to join one of the 13 Divisions. Well, unless there was a captain that didn’t give a shit about that. For example, Captain Kenpachi was known for not caring about these at all, demanding a 1 vs. 1 combat. With himself, most likely. Captain Soi Fon did additional challenges that were rumored to end fatally for some. Captain Unohana accepted only those who had talent in Kidō art.
But Captain Kuchiki was well-known for following rules and such constructs as an Academy recommendation. Or at least taking them into consideration. He could always refuse such a candidate to join his elite squad if he’d see a flaw in that person’s character or in their skill, that cannot be polished, giving the unlucky one the ticket back to the Academy to "enhance their character”. But that was also a one-way-ticket out of the 6th Division.
So you had hoped that your performance would be flawless, that your skills would please the Captain and you would be admitted to his squad, though his Division wasn’t the most popular one in 13 Court Guards.
There was an additional reason why you wanted to be enlisted here. It wasn’t the prestige of this squad, stories from other Soul Reapers, duties that the squad was assigned to… But the head of the Kuchiki clan himself.
When the young Captain visited the Academy your heart fluttered. The first time you noticed the slate-colored eyes you couldn’t stop dreaming about them. Your imagination sent you the most subtle images, and you did nothing to stop them from coming. His hands gently touching your arms while walking through vast gardens next to him. His eyes, seemingly so cold, holding lovable sparks just for you. Calm voice, talking about his day when you would enjoy tea in the moonlight…
The day you saw him, you knew your heart picked its interest, without taking into consideration a couple of known facts: Kuchiki Byakuya didn’t stop mourning his wife, and the pleas of other prominent members of his clan, for him to remarry, fell on deaf ears.
And it wasn’t like you tried to lie to yourself that you have any chances with turning your fantasies true. You just wanted to be close to him even without any hope of receiving anything in return. But you would be allowed to serve under Byakuya in 6th Division - you were ready to accept your fate as it was. Was it an obsession? Perhaps. But in countless stories you’ve read, during lonely nights when longing was unbearable, the power of love was overcoming every obstacle that fate was throwing under legs of a Chosen One’s. So you kept on dreaming.
The sun was already heading to end its daily journey. Shadows casted by surrounding walls were getting longer with each passing minute, robbing the place from any ounce of warmth that spring sun rays would give. Yet, you couldn’t complain as there was a warmth coming from a different source - the excitement bubbling under your skin, almost bursting out when the doors leading to barracks opened. With all grace and dignity Byakuya Kuchiki entered the yard, accompanied by his second-in-command, Abarai Renji. And even if the Lieutenant had a very characteristic persona, was widely liked and respected by other Soul Reapers, he almost didn’t exist in your eyes.
“Welcome to the 6th Division’s barracks, recruits!” The red-haired stood proudly, like he had just swollen a long stick, and clearly, only for the show. “I’m the Lieutenant of 6th Division, but some of you might know me as Abarai Renji. Today’s evening will be crucial for your career as Soul Reapers, so I advise you to give your best! But before we begin, Captain Kuchiki would like to speak a few welcoming and encouraging words!” Renji smiled, taking a step back so the other man could take his spot.
Byakuya’s expression wasn’t as gleeful as his Lieutenant’s. In fact, it was cold, emotionless. You could see from the corner of your eyes that someone prepared their hands to clap and cheer at his words, but quickly desisted from the idea.
“Welcome, recruits. Your presence here brings joy and hope that upholding law and order in Seireitei is still an esteemed duty.” In contrast to his well-mannered and surely repeated for the n-th time words, his expression was far from happy. “I trust among you there are valuable units that will supply the Division. Lieutenant Abarai will provide a series of practical trials that would determine if you’re indeed worthy of your place here, and based on his judgement you’ll be given your assignment accordingly, and will start your service immediately. Do not expect reduced fare, under any circumstances. Your skill is the only thing that can make you a member of this Division. The rest will be asked to leave the barracks. Remember that in the first place we value people who can uphold the law, and who are ready to offer up everything for the sake of the Division.”
Byakuya looked around, his Lieutenant behind him wore a weird combination of pride and awkwardness on his face. Clearly, this wasn’t the encouraging message Renji hoped for, but it had to be enough. He played along, stepping in, clapping awkwardly.
“Thank you, Captain Kuchiki, for these inspiring words!” His lips curved into a forced smile. “Now, let’s begin! You’ll be divided into 5 teams…”
As Renji started to instruct new recruits, Byakuya had a moment to look at every face, judging and evaluating in his head every single one of them. Few had potential, raw jewels that needed to be sculpted and refined from the shape the academy reflected on them. Yet there was one person that caused his eyes to linger a second too long. Your eyes met, by a complete accident. It lasted for a split second; for you - a human lifetime. They were even more beautiful from what you remembered, more captivating, more mysterious and more… More everything. A shiver ran down your spine, you forced yourself to regain focus, in time for the beginning of the 3 vs. 3 sparring.
The nobleman turned to take his leave and scolded himself internally. This wasn’t something he should do. Putting aside the whole plethora of indecent situations that could occur after an unbalanced gesture or gaze, you were just a recruit. A person barely worthy of his precious time. As the doors to the barracks closed behind him, leaving weirdly captivating eyes in the hands of his Lieutenant, Byakuya’s knees felt weak. His heart thumped unevenly in his chest, and his head felt dizzy. Suddenly the weight of the whole word was put on his shoulders once again. The dull pain in his chest took his breath away.
But it only lasted for a second, maybe two. Maybe indeed he was tired. Maybe a few days of rest away from Seireitei would do him good… And then maybe he should take into consideration the check up in the 4th Division.
***
The beginning of your service in the 6th Division was, overall, a success. After completing all the challenging tasks you were given, you were among 7 other people who got accepted by Renji, among the 4 whom Captain Kuchiki agreed to enlist in the end, and finally, one of the 2 that gained a numbered seat. Based on your skill, knowledge, academy result and recommendations in certain areas you were allowed to fill the gap of the 19th Seat for a probation period. You did aim higher, yes, but you were a new fish in this sea, so the junior officer seat was the best you could do. It still was amazing - you’ve been given a rare opportunity to gain a numbered, quite high seat in any Division, without being born into a noble family (and even that didn't mean you’d have a ticket inside). And there was only one person better than you, that took the 18th Seat.
Your new status came with a number of privileges, a private room was among the nicest of them, and an even greater number of duties. Not only you were swamped with paperwork from day one, and it seemed that the higher the seat, the more papers there was to shuffle (bureaucracy in the Seireitei never ceased to amaze you), but also you had to prove yourself to other officers, junior officers, regular Soul Reapers and, of course, the Captain himself. Though impressing the latter must’ve been a slow process, and you knew the highest chance to do so was to gain favor of the Division itself. After all, that’s what Byakuya expected, right? To give everything for the sake of his Squad.
Weeks have passed and you started to feel at home. Day after day you made your little space more yours, as much as you were allowed to. Little accents - books, trinkets, fresh flowers. Plum blossoms on thin branches stood in the little vase, extending spring’s arms inside your room, and you inhaled their sweet scents every evening as you wrote your memories and thoughts in your diary.
But amidst little pleasures and a tremendous amount of duties, you didn’t miss the fact that something happened to Byakuya. His stone-cold face was paler than usual, subtle bags under his eyes indicated that he hadn't had a good sleep recently. And the fact that he wasn’t seen as often as previously… Was it because of the recent events? You shouldn’t pry, but of course, curiosity was stronger than you. Getting some information wouldn't harm anyone, right?
But, you were puzzled - how? Senior officers were not likely to share anything, saying that these are matters of, well, seniors. Not like they would know anyway. And you were not so desperate to try to befriend Rukia just for this. Besides, she had other things on her mind, including much needed peace after what Aizen did to her.
As you pondered through empty corridors, listening to the subtle melody the rain played on the barracks roofs, your nose caught a whiff of a pleasant scent among omnipresent humidity.
Green tea. A good green tea.
Following the slightly bitter yet tempting smell, it finally led you to one of the porches, used by seated officers often for afternoon tea or, infrequently, for contemplating the full moon while drinking sake with other squad’s officers. And on the blue zabuton sat nobody else but your Lieutenant. The moment you stepped through the threshold, his gaze turned to you, surprised, if not startled.
“Huh?” He blinked before his lips twitched in a nervous smile. “Ah, it’s you! What are you doing here?”
“Just taking a walk,” you shrugged as you put the nicest smile on your face. “Weather changes are getting to me, I can’t sleep.” You lied.
“Heh, not that uncommon, believe me…” Visibly relaxed after your startlement, possibly finding in it something he could relate to, Renji pointed to the zabuton on the other side of the little table. “Would you like some tea?”
“Gladly, Lieutenant.”
“We rarely have a chance to speak, but please, you can drop the formalities while we’re off duty.” As you sat down, the Lieutenant poured you a cup. “How do you like our Division so far?”
“Couldn’t imagine it better.” You smiled, seeing the small talk as a perfect opportunity to learn a thing or two. “There are a lot of duties, but I don’t feel overwhelmed.”
“Well, some would say that it means that you don’t have enough duties.” Renji laughed. “You’re doing great so far. And I think you have the potential to grow and take ahigher seat. Hopefully, too many duties won’t make you rethink your decision about your place here.”
“I doubt it. The 6th Division was always my first choice.”
“Yeah? Why?”
“Well…” You couldn’t possibly tell your Lieutenant that you fell in love with Byakuya and it was the factor that made you choose, right? You took a sip of the brew, bitter, yet pleasantly fresh on your tongue. “Not gonna lie, I’m very picky about people I have around, and I like order. This Division seemed to be the calmest and neatly arranged. Plus, that brochure with your Zanpakuto drawing sold it to me.”
“Ha! I knew it would work!” Your compliment tickled Renji’s ego. “It was good, wasn’t it? I’m not a pro when it comes to painting, but I took some lessons!”
“Really? Well, you did a great job, Lieu- I mean, Renji.”
“I wanted to put some illustration of our Captain’s achievements or anecdotes involving him, but he didn’t approve of it. He said that his image doesn’t need any warming-up.”
“You know, his fame speaks for itself. What anecdote would you illustrate?”
“Hmmm…” Renji grabbed his chin, pondering for a moment. “Tough choice. But I think maybe one of the situations from the Division’s life. Just plain and simple, you know?”
“Sounds like a good idea. To show Captain’s humane face, given his stoic exterior and reputation of an emotionless man. Care to share some stories with me?”
Lieutenant Abarai smiled, more than happy to share stories that would put his Captain in even better light.
***
For the past few weeks Byakuya was more absent in his Division’s life. He skipped meetings with officers, hiding behind paperwork. At the Captain's meeting he designated Renji, saying that he has clan matters on his head. There was more. And it was all because of the strange pain he felt in his chest, often followed by a painful cough and brief shortness of breath. It came unexpectedly - just before he was about to leave his office, or when he was trying to get some sleep. But he ignored that, blaming it on the recent events that shattered his nerves and shook his worldview a little.
That was until the strangest thing happened.
One evening, as usual, when duties allowed him, Byakuya was occupied by contemplation of his previous life. His wife looked at him from the portrait with the same calm gaze as usual, her soft smile still warmed his cold heart a bit. But it was only a photo. Oh, what he would give to talk with Hisana, even just once. Yet, he couldn’t get over the grief that ran under his skin. A grief that made his soul weep, even after years, and fueled his hope that the picture in front of him would move, speak to him, soothe him.
He was about to bow, and say his pained goodbye, when the sharp pain made him fall to his knees. This wasn’t the same ache as he felt before. This was something far more dreadful; the cough that attacked him almost took his breath away. His throat tightened, as something travelled through it. With yet another convulsion he felt a bitter and metallic taste in his mouth. Something soft stuck to his tongue, making him gag before spitting it out on the floor.
A plum flower.
Scooping gently the unusual phenomenon in his hands, he made a decision to visit the only medic he could trust in such a matter, and check these unusual symptoms. He left his office when he was sure most of the squad was already resting. He felt Renji being somewhere around with… One of the new recruits. 19th Seat. That pleased him, a promising officer getting along with the Lieutenant.
But he had different issues on his shoulders than his Division getting along and creating bonds that would provide flawless service.
He headed to 4th Division barracks, hoping that he wouldn’t meet any of the medics on the way, so he wouldn’t need to withstand curious gazes, and indecent whispers of some who were too curious and had too wild of an imagination.
Retsu Unohana was about to prepare herself for sleep. Yukata wrapped around her in the most elegant way, when she moved the doors to her quarters, to see the young Kuchiki Captain. First, she was surprised by the late visit by a much younger man, ready to reprimand him, with the most sophisticated and polite words, that it’s not acceptable to bother a woman, much older than him, at this hour, without her permission. Once he stated his business, explaining the symptoms he felt, showing the little plum flower he held all that time in his palm, her gaze softened.
She knew what was tormenting Byakuya, and she didn’t bear good news; for this was Hanahaki. A disease of love, beautiful, yet morbid. The flowers growing in his lungs were to take his life at some point if he would stay indifferent to it.
“Forgive me, Captain Unohana” Byakuya was calm. It wasn’t that hard to keep his facade, especially that the disease she described sounded like something from some fairy tale. Flowers in his lungs? Preposterous. And yet, the image of the plum’s flower covered in his own saliva still lingered in his mind. “I can’t imagine the possibility of such dire phenomena…”
“I know it’s hard to believe. It's a very rare sickness. Through the years of my living I met only a few people cursed with it. And heard or read about scarce cases through my many years.”
“How does it look? The course of this disease?”
She fell silent for a moment, wondering what words to use. Long fingers swiped through a flower that sat in the vase, brushing off invisible specks of dust.
“At first, it’s just spitting petals.” She said, like she was just a teacher lecturing a student. “Usually they irritate the throat, sticking to it. Then it becomes painful. For unknown reasons the first phase is close to painless. Despite the plants taking roots, many feel nothing, or just the slightest sting now and then, just like a small needle. It’s slow, sometimes it takes years for it to develop. But when it does, gradually, every day becomes a torture. Flowers grow, pushing apart the inside of the lungs, destroying tissues, making breathing more difficult, and petals escape through the throat more frequently with passing time. In the end, the sick one suffocates while flowers or even branches grow out of their mouth.”
Byakuya listened to it in silence. There wasn’t a reason why he should not believe in someone as respected and experienced as Unohana. Yet, it was difficult.
“Awfully morbid.”
“And yet, there is some beauty in it.” Retsu’s smile was slight and enigmatic, disappearing as quickly as it showed. “Tell me, did you experience the feelings I described? An unusual stinging in your chest without a source, or a sudden, sharp pain strong enough to bend a man that came out of nowhere, and was gone quickly, never showing up again until some time ago?”
“It might have occurred, yes.” He answered after a moment.
The first time he felt it… A few weeks ago? No. Earlier. A few months prior. Almost a year it would be. He remembered it, his health was impeccable all the time and the brief pain in his chest was different. But he ignored it, as it never returned, just like she said.
“Ah, I see. That must’ve been the moment you saw…” She pondered for a moment, finding words to describe it.
“Saw who?”
“Hanahaki is a sickness connected to feelings. And as cruel as it is, it’s sickness made out of love.”
“That is ludicrous.” Byakuya scoffed, his eyebrows furrowing, gaze still cold. “Is this because someone fell in love with me and I met that person? If so, I’ll remove everyone every recruit I appointed to my Division-”
Unohana raised her hand, silencing Byakuya. And Byakuya obeyed.
“It’s not that someone loves you but rather who you love. You may not know it yet.”
“With all due respect, my heart belongs to one woman, and that woman rests until the end of time. I have no desire to feel anything for anyone else.”
“That might be your mind telling you this. But your heart demands something else, and that person is already chosen. They may not reciprocate that feeling your heart demands. Yet”
“So what’s the cure? To kiss a princess like a children's story? If so, I will perform that task and send that person away.”
“Your stubbornness is admirable, Captain Kuchiki.” Another enigmatic smile from her bloomed and vanished as she bowed politely. “But it’s not that easy. There are two ways. One of them is hearing that person confessing their love to you. But it has to be an honest admission, as if it’s forced or untrue, with unbearable pain the confession will kill you. Unrequited love was common among a few cases that I’ve encountered.”
“And the other solution?”
“A surgery. Very risky one, and not guaranteed to stop the remission. But the consequences…” Slender fingers reached to a vase again fixing some non-visible flaw. “To ensure Hanahaki won’t return you’d need to remove that person from your life completely. Any exposure to their presence might result in very quick remission. But there are other consequences to that operation.”
“That doesn’t seem to be that bad, but go on, Captain Unoana.”
“You will lose the ability to feel any emotion. And I mean any.” Her stare grew colder. “No friendship will last. The care for your sister, your lieutenant and your squad will be gone forever. No pleasure from the simplest tasks will be taken. Even the love that you hold for your beloved wife will fade, and looking at her picture will bring nothing but emptiness and cold, as if she would be nobody to you. You will become a shell of a man, unable to feel joy, sadness or pride.”
“How much time do I have?”
“Hard to tell… The longest recorded lifespan without any action was one and a half year. The shortest - a few weeks. Emotions, especially strong ones, seem to trigger growth. Closeness of that person seems to be a factor as well. But it is not a pattern, and every case has its own rule.”
“I see.” Byakuya nodded in acknowledgement of the information she just gave him. Yet, it was only the acknowledgement, in his mind, he refused to process. “You’re the greatest known healer of your times, how come you can’t just cure it?”
“I’m sorry, although I wish for it, miracles are not in my grasp. I know it’s a lot to process Captain Kuchiki. I’ll give you a herbal remedy to calm your mind and allow you to sleep. But if you will consider the surgery, please return to me as soon as possible.”
“So it’s either that, or making my peace…-”
“Or, accepting what your heart wants.”
Without any unnecessary movement Unohana fixed her yukata as she stood up and reached a small cabinet in the corner of the room. Glass clacked shortly as she rummaged through it, and finally out of dim depths Unohana pulled a small vial.
“Three drops to a glass of water in the morning, it will ease the pain without dulling other senses much. Six drops by the evening, it will allow you to sleep peacefully. For now.” She watched as Byakuya took the glass in his hands, examining the content without proper knowledge.
“Thank you, Captain Unohana. I will do according to your words.” Byakuya bowed with the respect he owed to an older woman, and turned to take his leave.
“Captain Kuchiki?” Unohana’s voice sounded softly in the night air.
He stopped, but didn’t turn his gaze to her.
“Yes, Captain Unohana?”
“Plums were just about to bloom when your wife passed away… Maybe this is her, trying to tell you something. It’s been a few decades now… Perhaps, it’s time to let yourself let go.”
Like a short breeze, Byakuya was gone, with Unohana’s words weighing heavy on his heart.
***
The medicine he acquired worked wonders; Byakuya was able to attend to his duties again, more or less normally, pushing away some assumptions that he was sick or unable to perform as efficiently as he did before. But also, thanks to the medicine, he was able to investigate. A bit. He was told that the closeness of the person his heart desires might trigger some symptoms, and he was determined to find who that was and remove that person from his closest surroundings, even at the cost of his health.
He still couldn’t believe how this wicked sickness would take his life in the end. Maybe, despite Unohana’s words he hoped that finding the culprit and removing them from his life would fix this. Maybe, he wanted it to just be some twisted curse that would be lifted once that person would be away.
So under the excuse of evaluating his officers, Byakuya started to look closer at the newest additions to his Squad - 18th Seat, and you, the 19th Seat. And as during the time he spent with the first one, nothing unusual happened, or his sickness didn’t give any signs, the time that he spent with you told him everything he needed to know.
But he couldn’t just relieve you from duty, without giving you a reason. He couldn’t just tell you to get away from his Division, no. His pride and honor didn’t let him - because the fact that his heart decided to take action for him wasn’t just enough to remove you. Especially when that specific reason couldn’t be named publicly.
Besides, every duty you performed was done meticulously. Every detail Byakuya provided was taken care of. Your reports were immaculate - fully detailed, every information sorted and explained. It felt bad, to need to remove you, when you tried so hard to prove yourself as a worthy person, and the worst - you were proving to be a competent one; an interesting one, too. The small-talk you offered didn’t bother him for whatever reason. Your subjects were enticing and smart, sometimes almost breaking his strict and cold facade. Your presence was surprisingly soothing, even if Byakuya put himself on high-alert every time he summoned you to “examine” your performance.
And as he spent more time with you, he couldn’t stop but notice small details - your eye color, little imperfections on your skin which you didn’t try to hide, voice always a tone softer when you spoke to him only; even to Renji, your voice was sharper, harder, lined with respectful stubbornness. But… He wondered, did he notice these things just because he decided to spend more time with his new officers to find the source of the Hanahaki? Or was it his heart after all, screaming for acknowledgement, for the possibility to move on, to crush the thick layer of ice that grew over years? His heart that made him weak wanted him to get closer, forced him to notice these damned small things, to long for your voice when he was alone at night?
Every time Byakuya even had one of these thoughts, he forced them away. His heart always held only one person. How could he ever betray the memory of Hisana like that?
“Maybe this is her, trying to tell you something.”
Unohana’s words rang in his head, an unbearable echo that mocked him with no end. Hisana… Hisana wouldn’t be that cruel, would she? Because why would she want Byakuya to remove her from his heart? Why would she want to be replaced? No… This couldn’t be Hisana speaking, he tried to rationalize. This was simply his body mocking him.
You, on the other hand, were more than happy to spend more time with Byakuya. Following him everywhere he required you to, fulfilling every order he gave you. It was enough to just be close. You drank in every scarce praise that left his lips, memorised every detail of his face whenever you managed to stare for too long and not be caught, shivering every time he used your name instead of your title. His voice etched under your skin, and you heard it in your head every night before you headed to sleep.
The more time you spent with Byakuya, the more thoughts were in your head. And without an outlet, you were afraid of them overflowing eventually, spilling out things you wouldn’t dare to say in normal circumstances.
So you wrote. Your thoughts, your memories, your wishes and dreams. Words of admiration filled a small book you kept under your pillow, yet you wouldn’t dare to pour the deepest feeling of them all into pieces of paper. Like a sacred spell that cannot be written, you didn’t dare to write down that you love Byakuya, and you had since the day you saw him.
With every day it was harder for Byakuya to find a valid reason to remove you from his Division. His hope of putting an end to his problem the way he wanted seemed to fade away. But he was desperate to drive things to the end, to remove you in the end, even if… Even if the rational spark in his head told him to just let go, and allow himself to feel something towards any other being.
Weeks passed. The sickness was manageable, giving only subtle signs, thanks to Unohana’s care. Yet no hope for releasing you from your duties and sending you away was on the horizon. Every day made the decision to speak with you grow inside, along the branches that stung his lungs most delicately. He couldn’t wait any longer. No walk in the moonlight could help make intrusive thoughts perish, nor any medicine. And despite having opinions from the most talented healer of The Soul Society, Byakuya refused to accept the fact that by removing you from his perimeter wouldn’t heal him.
So the young Kuchiki heir decided to take action. And with your satisfying performance, he only could resort to one thing, even if he found it shameful and disrespectful. He’d rather have this burden on his arms, than to have some sickness end him.
It was close to midnight, most of the squad members should’ve been in their rooms, asleep or getting ready for the night. Stumbling upon a random soldier wasn't a risk. He just hoped that you would not divert from your own schedule he weirdly knew to some extent, and by now you would be sorting documents in his office, to have it ready for tomorrow.
It felt wrong, when he entered your room. Not because you were a lower-ranking officer – he would go into any officer’s quarters if there was a need, inspect without batting an eye if he had any suspicion of rule breaking. Usually he’d be accompanied by his Lieutenant and at least two other officers.
But now, he was alone. And it felt wrong, crossing the edge of violating your privacy this way, almost like some sort of pervert, away from curious and judging eyes. Shoving his pride to the pocket was the only opinion now, otherwise Renji would learn about his state and sickness. And thus, Rukia. Then other members of the Division, and soon the whole Soul Society would be buzzing with gossip. But he had to find something, he knew he would find something. Maybe it would be far-fetched, maybe it would not be understood, maybe it would be condemned later. This wasn’t his concern now. He didn’t hope to find something against the law, a contraband or such. No, this could be subtle. A piece of paper would be sufficient. A letter from someone. A leaflet or a poem. When he opened one of the drawers, his eyes widened in the moment of triumph, taking into his hands a book that contained your most sacred secrets.
Your diary.
This was the worst he could find. Shame creeped and held him in cold grasp, but it was too late now. Page after page he dived into your secrets, beginning somewhere around ending the Academy, and finishing on yesterday. It was obvious that Byakuya wasn’t indifferent to you, yet it wasn’t an obsession. Just… Admiration. Respect. Care? Of course you noticed that something was wrong. You worried, expressing your concern and will to help whatever it was. To make it better, for him.
You were startled, once you opened the doors to your room. Your heart skipped a beat, of course. But a split second of excitement and joy, turned into dread once you saw the coldness in slate-colored eyes.
“Your motives are unclear to me.” A bead of cold sweat ran down your spine when you saw the well-known notebook in his elegant hands, finger resting between pages, like he was marking down a particularly interesting paragraph in a book. “I require loyalty from members of my Division, but not this kind. I require following the laws, maintaining order, and listening to orders. Not… This. Whatever this is, to perform your duties.”
“Captain Kuchiki…” You tried to swallow, but your mouth was dry. “I-... My motives are-... I follow the rules. I didn’t do anything against them. The fact-... What I… Feel has nothing to do with my performance-...”
That was true. Simply… Admiring the leader of any of the Divisions in any way, was not against any rule. You didn’t say much more directly, but in between words and verses there was something unspoken. To Byakuya it was impudent and dangerous for the safety of the Division - focusing only on the Captain, not on the other members as well. What if there would be a fight? What if there would be lives at stake, and you’d need to choose. If you’d be given a choice - lives of the many, or a single life, that of your Captain? What if your motive is not to serve and protect The Soul Society, but to just selfishly get close to the Captain, drinking in the privileges and the glory?
“Your performance is under question now, 19th seat, and there isn’t much that would explain this.”
“Captain Kuchiki…” You were ready to fall on your knees. You were ready to beg. You were ready to pledge your life for the possibility to stay. Alas, you knew that if any of these actions would be taken, Byakuya would call you nothing but pathetic.
Fingernails dug painfully into your palms as you clenched your fists, trying to contain yourself, without the courage to look at his face. You took a deep breath, trying to steady your emotions. Digging deeper would only make it worse, but you couldn’t face being sent away. “There wasn’t a situation where I failed you. I want nothing but to prove myself worthy of being a part of your Division. I didn’t fail or disappoint you-...”
“No. You didn’t. But it’s a matter of time when you will.” Byakuya's foot didn’t make any sound, passing by you, and only a light breeze caressing your cheek gave you the idea that he moved towards doors. Your words have fallen on deaf ears. “Perhaps we should reconsider your place in the 6th Division, 19th seat. If such an insignificant feeling that would never be reciprocated was your motive to join here, maybe this isn’t a place for you.”
His words hurt more than any wound you have ever gained. Cut deeper than his cherry blossoms. Stripping you off your name, reducing you only to the mere position in the Division, after months of hard work, proving yourself, watching from afar… When doors clicked silently behind Byakuya your body gave up upholding the proud and strong stance. You fell on your knees, your chest felt like it was suddenly crushed with a stone. You tried to hold back a sob, but even covering your mouth with both palms was insufficient. To hear it, from the man you loved… A dagger went through your heart, and you were not willing to try to heal it. And even if you were sure that hearing you in such a state would only make Byakuya think even less of you, you couldn’t care now.
Your sob echoed in the empty corridor. Like the wail of a ghost that haunted these halls. His chest hurt, again. The squeeze was so tight he could barely breathe, and when by inhuman effort Byakuya tried to gasp deeper for air, his body convulsed. He tried to suppress the cough, but the attack was particularly strong. His desperate gasps for air and your cries mixed, filling the air with eerie cacophony.
He had to get away. He couldn’t stand hearing you. His heart screamed to turn back, apologize. His own heart that he cursed now, for betraying him and Hisana.
Hisana…
Yes. He had to see her. Then, his soul will be soothed. His heart will remember to whom it’s bound. The whim of this sickness… It can’t control him.
Gathering all his strength, Byakuya followed the path carved deeply within him, through vast halls and tranquil gardens he reached the shrine that not many had the privilege to see and enter. It felt like an inhumane effort to get there and open its doors. There, between other pictures, she stood - with a gentle smile, skin pale as if painted from the moonlight… Oh, if he could just hold her one last time. The frame he took in his hand felt rough. So unfitting.
His body slid to the floor, with a soft thud he leaned his back on a wooden platform, making the other photos and paintings to move.
“Hisana…” He finally managed to speak, looking at the woman. It wasn’t easy. His lungs tried to expel the intruders with little success. Some petals were scattered here and there, marking his way through the room. “I might not have much time before I have to decide - join you, or turn to Captain Unohana, to remove this twisted sickness. My condition gets worse by the day on my own wish, and I start to question if…”
Wind howled and another coughing fit came. This time stronger. He spent a minute or two spitting bitter petals. But there was something new as well - something metallic. His blood scattered among the delicate things. He took one in his fingers, inspecting it closely.
What an odd thing.
“I wonder, what do they mean? Is this your gimmick, my dear wife? Is this your message to me? Didn’t I love you enough? Didn’t I give you every part of my soul? No…” He looked at the photograph once again. Did her eyes shift? Were they sad? And her smile felt like it was faltering. “Forgive me. You wouldn’t punish me. I know you’ve made your peace the day your eyes closed for the world forever. You apologized for not loving me enough, even if I know you gave me every ounce of it that you held. And I made a vow...”
The wind howled. A sudden gust of wind broke through the doors, candlelight flickered on the walls. Byakuya looked around. He could’ve sworn, he heard her voice. His body was weak. Deprived of air. Muscles tired from spasms. Chest hurt from intruders.
“Is this… Do you want me to love someone else? To make a place in my heart for another one?” Words stuck in his throat, and he wasn’t sure whether from emotions or the damned sickness. “I could never… My dear wife, I can’t insult you like that…”
Byakuya.
This time he was sure. He heard her. Her voice was carried by the wind. His eyes searched the room. Was she there? Or was his life heading to an end and it’s just feverish hallucinations?
My dearest.
She was there. He knew. He saw her, bathed in the moonlight. Dressed in that simple kimono she liked. She was so close, yet so far. But it didn’t matter. His body was used to overexertion. Using every last bit of his will, Byakuya crawled towards the ghost. Just a bit more, and she’d be within reach of his hand.
Live.
Her voice sent chills down his spine. Live? How could he?
“Is this really what you want? Why shouldn’t I join you?” He looked up, but the silhouette started to fade. With desperation Byakuya reached his hand, but there was nothing but the moonlight. “Don’t leave. Not yet. Wait for me-”
Live.
Strength left his body. Another wave of nauseating bitterness washed over him. Air became a privilege, as bulks of petals found their way from his throat. He collapsed completely, helpless, strengthless. Ready to meet fate. He only managed to register a familiar voice and spiky red hair leaning over him.
“Captain… What the hell?! What happened?!”
***
He didn’t know how long he had been laying on the floor. His breath wasn’t as labored as before he passed out. He was getting through. Much slower than he should.
In some twisted turn of fate, Renji came looking for him here. Of all the places where he could have looked - the 6th Division barracks, 118 gardens and countless halls and rooms of the estate, his Lieutenant came here. Somehow he managed to help his Captain, clearing his airways enough to let him breathe. Now Renji Abarai was crouching next to him, and Byakuya knew this was the first time he saw his subordinate that worried. This time, there was little chance he could deflect uncomfortable questions.
“Captain Kuchiki… Are you alright? Are you unwell? Sick?” Obviously, his supervisor wasn’t well, so Renji mentally slapped himself.
“Renji. Don't worry about me. It’s… Temporary. Nothing to fuss about.” Byakuya took a breath. It wasn’t the deepest one, but certainly a deeper one than he could take before his consciousness was lost. “What are you doing here?”
“I was going to bring reports to Lieutenant Sasakibe, when I noticed some of them didn’t have your signature, so I came looking for you…” This was only half truth - it could wait until the morning, that was the truth. Well… One third of the truth. First, Renji had hoped to find out what’s been happening with his Captain lately. Second, to talk with his Captain about the 19th seat he saw on the way… The fresh officer seemed to be in distress, and maybe an intervention was needed.
Because of course Renji noticed. He wasn't a 6th Division Lieutenant from yesterday. And of course Rukia noticed something too, but she was used to Byakuya taking care of himself, and keeping her at distance, so she decided to not interfere. They even discussed how to approach the subject. Asked here and there. But nobody knew anything, even if the deteriorating health of the Head of the Kuchiki Clan was noticeable.
So this could be the only chance for Renji to find out anything more than he saw, and tonight he witnessed more than he should have. What a bizarre thing it is to have petals in someone’s mouth. Was it some kind of ritual? A poison? Maybe the Captain was trying to gain immunity for poisons and this was part of the-… What a stupid thing to think.
“Did you tell Rukia that something happened?” Byakuya tried to get up, but his body was just too weak. Instead, his Lieutenant helped him sit up, resting his back on the damned altar.
“No. I just came, and saw you lying on the floor. I was going to summon Captain Unohana, but I saw you having trouble breathing, so I did what I could… I will summon Rukia if-”
“Don’t. I don’t want her to worry.”
“But-”
“Enough. She must not know about this.” Byakuya’s voice was unyielding. “Let Lieutenant Sasakibe know that the papers will be delivered tomorrow. But first, go summon Captain Unohana. She will know what to do.”
“Y-yes, Captain Kuchiki.”
“After you are done, go to sleep. And forget what you saw.”
The lieutenant nodded, and stormed off into the dark night. Of course he wouldn’t be able to forget. His mind raced, trying to find anything that would bring a solution beyond his knowledge. Somehow it slipped from Renji’s mind that he was to talk about the 19th seat with his Captain, how she was pale as ghost, eyes red from tears, sneaking through the corridors of 6th Division barracks.
***
It’s been three weeks since Byakuya found your diary. Three weeks since he decided it’s time for you to leave. Whispers in 6th Division were various - from ones saying that you, the 19th seat did something to offend the higher ups, and you are being transferred, to even a few saying that you put a curse on Captain Kuchiki himself for that decision, as he was rarely seen in public lately, and every time he managed to show himself around, his health seemed to deteriorate more and more.
That last one might’ve been true, at least judging by Byakuya’s state. The last three weeks have become difficult day by day. Previously present every day in the barracks, to perform his duties, now he could barely leave the confines of his room. Only one, trusted person was allowed to help him - feeding and cleaning the mess that he left as the sickness progressed. Days were worse and better. Sometimes he was not able to move, almost at all. Fever gnawed on his body, petals and small twigs leaving his lungs in painful convulsions. Even medicines from the best healer of The Soul Society didn’t help as they used to. Hallucinations kept him awake, leaving him with bleeding heart and soul when better moments came. It was always the same image: Hisana, sitting at the edge of his tatami mat, with eyebrows furrowed, silent, angry.
She was never angry at him. She was nothing but the kindest of souls. Hallucinations and fever must’ve simply distorted his memories.
But sometimes she was speaking. Her eyes filled with sadness, pleading for him to live. To let himself be happy again. To carry on, if not for her, then for her sister. He could swear, she sang to him once too. A lullaby, she claimed she sang to Rukia, long before they married.
On good days he could walk. He could breathe a little better. Still labored, but better. On best days he could perform some of his duties, limited mostly to office work, or briefly meeting elders of the clan. The handkerchief became his new, usual addition to everyday clothes. He ordered red in color, so blood splatters were not visible, even if everyone knew or surmised. Pain was bearable on these days. Or maybe he just got used to it.
This was a good day. After another night of seeing a ghost, feverish hallucinations and unbearable pain, Byakuya managed to sleep for a few hours. Even ate, which wasn’t so obvious in his state. Maybe he could even finish work he had left undone before sickness tied him to bed. Maybe he could meet elders, give them some directives on what to announce when the sickness would take him in the end. Though, he should’ve learned by now, that his fate liked to interfere with his plans.
Ruckus coming from the Division’s main courtyard was hard to miss. A group of Soul Reapers led by his lieutenant left the barracks in a hurry, making much noise. This wasn’t usual behavior in 6th Division, so it did spike its Captain’s interest. It took him a minute or two longer than it used to, to get to the gate to the Human World. And once he arrived, not only members of his division were present - individuals from other divisions were looking at the scene, while members of 4th division were already taking care of the wounded.
Something has happened on the other side, and it was his Division that suffered casualties.
“Renji?! Report!”
“Captain Kuchiki…?!” Renji didn’t even try to hide his surprise. In normal circumstances, his captain would be among the first here, commending everyone. But under recent circumstances he was more like an acting commander. But since he wasn’t the highest rank here… The lieutenant took a deep breath. “On-duty team from our Division was summoned to assist a Soul Reaper in the Human World, but the Hollow they encountered was stronger than the report suggested-”
“I see. Is everyone back?”
“No… The 19th seat stayed to cover the medical team while they retrieved the wounded- "I'm about to retrieve her-” With a grip surprisingly strong for a terminally ill man, Byakuya pulled his Lieutenant away. “Captain?!”
“Make sure everyone gets medical assistance, Renji. I will retrieve her.”
Without any hesitation, not listening to the other man’s reasoning, Byakuya stepped into the Senkaimon, to appear on the other side a few moments after.
He was weak, yes. He wanted you to leave, in hope that his health would improve, yes. But since cutting you off, piles of medicines and prayers to every ancestor didn’t help, he could as well die in battle. At least, it would be an honorable death, one every Captain could dream of. Even if the decision of moving you away from the Division was made, it wasn’t yet done. You still wore the insignia, you were still his subordinate – a person he swore to protect as a leader.
Are you sure she is just your subordinate?
Again, the soothing voice of his wife sounded in his head. Again, trying to make him admit that maybe he cared after all. Or maybe pointing out that he should finally care.
You were not hard to find. Among the rain, the roar echoed between the park trees, pinning Byakuya’s attention. You moved, and right after you, a silhouette. The hollow was indeed bigger. The type to be taken down only by experienced officers or captains. Its tendrils shot out of the body, trying to catch you or bring you down. Yet you tried to fight it - without a proper combat knowledge, with obvious wounds that disturbed your movements, weakening with every breath you drew.
He cursed himself for not being as fast as he wanted to be. Before he managed to cross his blade with one of the tendrils, your body was thrown forcefully against the nearest tree. A sickening crack of bones broke through the hollow’s roar, blood splattered from your mouth as you screamed. He had no time to waste.
“Scatter, Senbonzakura.” Byakuya voice echoed.
It all happened fast. Through the red mist of pain bursting under your skull you saw cherry blossoms cutting the air like thousands of tiny razorblades, swirling around the hollow. The creature howled in pain, its body being attacked from every side. It tried to reach the man that stood in front of you now, protecting you from any direct attack.
In a minute, it was over. The hollow, defeated, vanished in the thin air, leaving only the sound of the rain hitting leaves and ground.
As he turned, it struck you how bad the shape of your Captain was. Paler than usual, slate eyes now tired and not as attentive as they used to be. His posture changed too - you remembered the first time you saw him, tall and beaming with calm pride. Now… He looked more like a shadow of that man. He took a step towards you, and you tried to move. Get up. Show him you’re not weak. But your body refused to obey.
“C-Captain Kuchiki… I’m sorry. I can’t…”
“No need for an apology. Focus on staying awake. Do you understand me?” His voice, hoarse now, was still holding strength and usual cold calmness.
“Yes.”
“Good.” He had to move you from here. Leaving you alone in the rain, while he’d inform someone from the medics wasn’t an idea he wanted to follow. The path he came through was still open. “Forgive me, for it will hurt.”
Trying to be as gentle as possible, Byakuya scooped you from the ground. Through clenched teeth you screamed from pain, but you knew it wasn’t intentional. And, despite how selfish and stupid it was, you were in his arms.
“Will I die?”
“I won’t let you die.” He had thought, briefly, that this would resolve some issues… But he discarded the thought right away. It wasn’t decent, nor honorable to even think that way. “This is my order to you as your captain - you’re not allowed to die. Do you understand?”
“Yes.” So, he still considered you as a member of his Division? Even if you were about to be thrown out? Now you just had to do as he said. “May I… Speak…?”
“As long as it will keep you awake.”
It wasn’t easy to breathe, not to mention, to speak. Pain radiated in your whole body with every step Byakuya made, your head spun, but you fought to stay awake. You fought, maybe for the last time, for the man who was carrying you in his arms. And it was a now or never moment. You might not have the next time to express your feelings, no matter how foolish or delusional you were in them, and how ridiculous the thought of him reciprocating them was.
“You were right, Captain. My motives-... My motives were not completely transparent from the start.” You felt the way his palms tightened, as if he was bracing himself for what you were about to say. But he didn’t interrupt, focusing on getting you through the passage. The doors were so close.
“I had a dream… To join your Division. When I saw you at the Academy. I felt something. I know, it’s childish, and stupid, and inappropriate. And this is insolence.” You could feel how tears started to flow down your cheeks, mixing with dirt and rain. “But back then… I-... I fell in love. With you, Captain. And I still do-... Love you.”
He would curse, loudly, if only he used in his adult life words that were inappropriate to use in front of a woman. This wasn't the level of pain that he felt while sickness was taking a toll on him. This was far worse. Like someone or something tried to rip his lungs out. Convulsions and cough shook him without a moment of break. He fought for the tiniest gasp of air, until the first prickly twig left his mouth, giving the metallic aftertaste of blood. Weakened by the past weeks, he wasn't able to keep consciousness. Regardless of his efforts, he fell to his knees, unable to hold you any longer you slipped away, your body hit the wet ground.
“Captain Kuchiki?! Captain Kuchiki?!” Despite the overwhelming pain, you mustered the last bit of strength, forcing your body to move closer, watching the dreadful scene unfold. “Captain, please-... What’s happening?! Captain…?! What the hell is that?!”
The last thing he remembered was your face twisted in a grimace of sheer fear, pain from broken bones as you took on impossible effort to move close to him. Your face finally above him. Your hair tickling his cheek, gentle droplets fell from your eyes. Your eyes… Oh, his poor heart. The anguish painted in them, he knew would haunt him for the end of his days. And your voice, usually so calm and clear, trembling in dread.
“Byakuya…?!” His name whispered from your lips ringed in his ears, rushed footsteps sounded nearby, before his consciousness slipped into a cold darkness.
***
The window in your room was open, soft wind moved white curtains, letting in some fresh air. You have been there for a few days, and it certainly felt different than other rooms in the hospital. The nurse was nice, the food was better, the room was single, and you were visited by the Head of 4th Division herself to get checked up on. And according to her, there was a reason you received such care, as well as the reason you had fresh flowers every day in the vase next to your bed.
You were reading a book, as it was one of the few activities you were allowed to do while healing, when the door opened, and Byakuya entered the room. He was looking much better than the previous weeks, yet you saw in his posture that he didn’t regain his full strength yet. With his usual, stoic expression, the man closed the doors behind him. According to the nurse, he had visited you a few times, sat there, waiting for you to wake up, but you were weak, recovering, and your body kept you asleep despite his presence. She told you one more thing - the nature of the sickness that was consuming Byakuya, and how your words apparently cured him.
“The nurse informed me that you are awake.” He spoke, taking a seat on the armchair next to the bed. “How do you feel?”
“Much better, thanks to Captain Unohana’s care. She… Said it was your personal request for her to take care of me. Is it true?”
“It is. I spoke to her. You’re healing well, so in a few days you should be back on your feet, but still unsuitable for duty, for your own safety.”
“I understand. Captain, speaking about duty… I know that my performance with the Hollow was not the best, I should’ve been smarter in fighting that thing. And-” Your voice stuck in your throat. And what? Plead to be received back in the Division, after you confessed your feelings to your superior? But he didn’t scold you, just nodded his head.
“You did as any officer should do. You cared for others who were weaker than you. You secured their retreat. You held your line until someone stronger and more suitable to fight that class Hollow would appear. That all is worthy of praise, and such behavior is desirable in every squad.” For a moment your heart skipped a beat. Would he reinstate you? “But I have to ask you to leave the 6th Division nevertheless. It's not an order, or a punishment. It’s simply a request, not having anything to do with your abilities.”
Before you got to ask anything, the man started coughing again. Memories of the recent night came back with an image of Byakuya laying on the ground suffering from convulsions. But it ended almost as quickly as it started, leaving only a few crumpled petals on the handkerchief he was still carrying.
“Captain? Are you alright? The nurse said that you’re not sick anymore.”
“It’s fine. These are just residues that still cling to my lungs. But according to Captain Unohana, it will pass in a few days, as my body will dispose of them naturally. The sickness doesn’t pose a threat anymore.”
You nodded, still not fully understanding how that hanahaki thing worked. If it wasn’t a thing to worry about, you could let your curiosity win.
“May I ask, you want me to leave because I…”
“You’re a strong Soul Reaper, with a potential for remarkable growth. The problem lies somewhere else. You healed me, and thanks to you I am still alive. Your words brought clearance to my mind and, somehow, peace to my soul. Yet I’m puzzled and troubled even more than I was before. And thus, I can’t allow you to be in the same Division as I am.”
You had your fantasies, how a… Intimate encounter with Byakuya would look like. You never expected fanfares, fireworks, grand gestures or deep kisses. You knew that you fell for a man who was careful, calculated, and certainly he wasn’t the type straight from romance books. So even when he took your hand, it was a surprise for you. The fact that his fingers were perfectly smooth wasn’t a surprise at all, though.
There was still uncertainty in him, if he should give in to what Unohana said, but most importantly - to what Hisana said, while he was hallucinating, teetering on the edge between life and death.
“I know that my mind refuses to process it yet.” He started, carefully picking words. “But I’m willing to learn to listen to my heart again, and follow its guidance. I was given a second chance, and now I know my wife’s wish would be to take it. Forgive me, if I seem cold and distant. For years I have smoldered any feelings that would, in my judgement, insult Hisana and her memory. I fear that, if you’ll be next to me in the squad, I won’t be able to focus and follow my duties. Knowing that just a few doors away, everyday, there is a… Possibility. And that might lead to neglecting my position as a Captain. I need… I must disconnect this possibility from my duties.”
“Captain, I understand what you’re asking me, and I will respect your wishes. But would it… Allow me to be there for you, not as a Division member but…?” Many uncertainties tumbled in your head, and you were sure Byakuya felt the same. This wasn’t just an act for the sake of curing him entirely. “Do you really mean that you want it to unfold?”
“I don’t want to make big promises, when we’re both unsure what this ordeal will bring us. I can’t promise that things will work in our favor, and if they will work out in our favor, we might not announce it or show it to the public right away. Not like-...”
Now it was his turn to have words stuck in his throat. You could almost hear what he wanted to say - he needed time. Logical. Careful and slow planning. Working out a solution for a delicate matter. With Hisana, he went straight against everyone’s will, and a few years later she passed away. There were mistakes he made, some he regretted, some not. But he didn’t want to repeat this scenario.
“May I speak?”
“You don’t need to ask for my permission now.”
“I just feel like I need to say it. I just want you to know that I’m not, and I was never aiming to… Replace your wife. I don’t want to take her place in your heart. Men tend to have this wrong impression, when another person appears in their life, from what I observed.”
“You’re right.” How come, he didn’t notice before how perceptive you were? “I feared this would be the outcome. One of the reasons I pushed away the thought, and refrained from the possibility of opening my heart again.”
“So, if there is still a space in your heart to fill…”
“If there is, I shall not prevent it from being filled.” This was a day of small miracles. For the first time in your career and service, you saw Kuchiki Byakuya smiling. “Thank you. This… Soothes the pain I hold somehow.”
The rapid knocking to the door broke the magic moment between you two. His hand was gone, his smile faltered almost instantly. So quickly, you believed it was a well-trained escape, so nobody would see the Captain vulnerable and soft. Doors opened as abruptly as the knocking was, and a second later, Lieutenant Abarai Renji appeared in the room.
“Renji.” You never thought Byakuya’s gaze could be colder than usual, but you were sure you were witnessing that. “What brings you here?”
“Captain Unohana said you’re here, I didn’t mean to interrupt…” Obvious lie, you both saw it. Of course, the red-haired man meant to interrupt, check in all his curiosity on what his superior was doing. And he too noticed the shift in the gaze. “I- Ehm- Head-Captain wishes to see you, regarding the incident in the Human World with the involvement of our squad.”
“I see. I’ll be there soon.” The room fell awkwardly silent for a moment. “Is that all?”
“Yes, Captain Kuchiki! I’m sorry, Captain Kuchiki!”
Neither of you saw the big smile that grew on Renji’s face once he closed the doors to the room. He was smart enough to know to keep his mouth shut for now, and not spread any rumors about what he just witnessed. But soon, someone will owe him a lot of money.
“Am I in trouble?” You asked once you were alone again.
“Do you mean Renji? No. He knows not to share such private matters, and whatever he’d notice between us I trust he won't spread any gossip.”
“You should’ve heard him while he was talking about what was going on in the Division when I enlisted. Sometimes he just can’t shut up…” You smiled at the memory, yet quickly your grimace became more serious again. “But I mean, regarding your summoning.”
“Ah. No. As I said, your actions are worthy of praise. I will make sure you will get an adequate reward for your actions.” This time he took your hand without hesitation. “Although, I must ask you, try to not put your life in danger like that.”
“Would it mean you want me to resign as a Soul Reaper? That would be quite a fast retirement.”
“It’s for you to decide. I will support your decision. You are a talented Soul Reaper, still having possibilities to choose from. You can decide to shape it as you like. And if there is any aid you need, I will provide it.”
Another miracle happened. As if he wanted to seal his promise, Byakuya raised your hand to his lips and planted a small and almost feather-like kiss on the back of your palm, leaving you speechless.
“I shall leave. I shouldn’t keep the Head-Captain waiting for me. I’ll come by the evening, if you won’t be resting.”
“Well, now that you say it, I might just wait.” You gathered yourself quickly, though deep blush kept on staining your cheeks.
"Don’t be ridiculous now.” Byakuya stood up from the chair, but was not yet heading to leave. “You have to rest, to be on your feet as soon as possible. There is one more thing. I shall… Apologize for invading your privacy. It was wrong to expose your diary like that, especially because it was caused by my own insecurities as I chased a false belief that there are other ways to cure myself.” He bowed. Deeply. A studied, sophisticated bow, reserved only when one’s expressing deep regret. But it wasn’t needed.
“It’s already forgiven. I’m not holding a grudge. Not when…” You smiled. Not when things started to work out in your favor. Even if you were bitter at the beginning, you received the foretaste of the sweetest reward you'd ever dream of.
“Good. It makes me glad.”
“Byakuya?” As he moved to take his leave, you decided to take a shot one more time. Or, you just wanted to postpone the inevitable separation.
Hearing his name was foreign, reserved only for the closest ones (or used by those who didn’t care about ranks).
As you were confined to the privacy of the closed room still, you could say a few carefully selected words before he’d leave, hoping that there is nobody outside eavesdropping. You took a deep breath, as this time words didn’t leave your throat as easily as when you were held in his arms on the brink of death. “I love you.”
Hearing you say that few words made his heart skip a beat. Memories of pain, convulsions and falling under the cure were still vivid in his memory. But this time there was no anguish. He didn’t fall to the floor, fighting for his life and every next breath. The only thing he felt was a strange warmth coming from inside, a feeling he thought he’d never experience ever again.
His slate-colored eyes, usually so cold and stoic, were now looking at you with newfound softness. Not shy but… Modest. You knew it was too early for him to say it back. You knew he had to adjust, to process the fact that his heart was sheepishly opening once more in his life. And when he was leaving the room, he smiled at you again . But, you made a vow to yourself and to Hisana’s memory in that very moment - to be patient, to be understanding. Accepting and offering your help to the man who occupied your heart, on his path to opening his heart again.
Somewhere on the way to his office, Byakuya vowed a similar thing - to be patient and understanding. To accept the help he was offered, not to close his heart in front of you, and not to refrain himself from developing feelings, whatever that might have been. Later, on the altar of his wife, Byakuya sank into his thoughts, thanking his wife for the second chance she gave him, and asking her to watch over the two of you.
***
Thank you for reading! Likes and reblogs are highly appreciated, it makes me believe in myself and that I create something worth spending time on. Please don't copy, and dont use my works in any AI tool. I don't own any characters. Thank you @half-baked-biscuit for checking it for me <3
getting over a cold is weird since i refuse to be normal about it. it’s got me slipping away quietly to discreetly cough into a tissue like i’ve got fucking hanahaki disease
holy shit I'm reading a hanahaki fic and
THE OTHER CHARACTER IS USING THEIR FLOWERS TO MAKE A GIFT FOR THE OTHER PERSON?!
Pre-Reg HJYJ Hanahaki AU thought (spoilers for pre-reg)
Hanahaki AU where pre-reg Hyunje finds himself suddenly coughing flowers after he erases Yoojin's memories, and that's how he realises that:
a. he is in love
b. it used to be mutual but now it's not because yoojin no longer remembers him.
Would this HJ choose to remove his emotions? (like he did in canon!!!! HMMM, hanahaki also canon adjacent for HJYJ?!)
Or given his depressed waiting for CM, maybe he'd choose to punish himself by letting him feel the whole painful course of things - since he knows he's not going to die of it anyway. The way he kept sending those postcards to Yoojin.
Anyway, pre-reg Hyunje with his faded color, and eyepatch and empty sleeve, also coughing (pale pink) flowers as he languishes beautifully in his alpine cabin....
*sigh*
I really enjoy the hanahaki disease stories, but at one point I would love a hurt no comfort one where the person has the surgery, feelings are cut out. And then they mention it to the love interest, who now has to deal with the lost potential of a love. And they're unhappy but the person who had hanahaki is like "ok. Well bye I guess??"
And that's it. No resolving their relationship, no happy ending, just a final goodbye.
chapter 8 is out!!
read here!
Fic rec! 19K Merthur
Summary: When a noble visits Camelot with her servant-turned-lover, Merlin thinks he and Arthur may actually have a chance. But when Arthur uses the visit as inspiration to instead court Gwen, Merlin develops a tickle in his throat. Then a cough. Then flower petals.
Comments: A delightful hanahaki fic, with the added bit that it’s a sorcerer-only disease, so Merlin has several reasons to hide it because he can’t let Arthur know it’s him when Arthur is courting Gwen, and he can’t reveal he has magic. Not until he’s dead, anyway. And like in everything, Merlin is putting Arthur first, pushing to do his chores, helping him court Gwen. Very good angsty last scene.
