#empath diary

[theariesbomb]

being such an empath is super tough. i’m over here in tears bc i took on someone else’s emotions of their loved one passing and it’s heavy!!!! i need to go shake this shit off bc my goodness 😭

[theariesbomb]

making the decision to move on from everyone and everything in my life rn was extremely hard, but i have to. i’m tired of being hurt by some people who claim they love me. i’m tired of trying to help those who clearly just don’t know how to accept it. i’m definitely over all the disrespect, minor or not. i’m tired of people telling me what i need or telling me about myself when they are incorrect. i’m over self absorbed individuals. i’m over my heart being taken advantage of. i’m over always seeing the best in people and uplifting them so they can see it too. Sometimes, there really is no good in people. i’m exhausted. hurt. angry. i tried. it sucks but i’m tired of being the doormat if you will. i deserve to be treated so much better. for the sake of people being my “friend” i let a lot of shit slide, but i won’t anymore. No more second chances. the only apology i owe is to my damn self. letting go is the best option for me personally and i’m not sorry. moving on. letting go. breathing steadily. i deserve better. no more shitty one sided half ass friendships. no more manipulative egotistical lying men.

just me. by myself.

[tessellation-constellation]

Thirty Two.

Ok, so, I don't really know what's going on.

Since Chere died, I...see things that aren't there. I hear things that aren't there. It can be very disturbing at times. I thought it was just me. Just my crazy.

Until I saw that my cats were seeing the shadows that were flitting about my apartment too. This rattled me more than i can say. Is what I see real?

I got a new job after my sister's death, and I told a co-worker about my problem. She told me that due to the shock and trauma of losing my sister, the veil that stands between the humans and the Spirit World sorta, tore a little, and now stuff bleeds through. (For those that don't know, Christians believe that two worlds, if you will, exist on earth. That humans and Spirits (being angels, demons and so on) exist side by side, except humans can't see them. There is a veil between us. The ideal is also that animals don't have the veil. They can see the spirits. You know when you see your dog trot over to a random spot and sniff? Yeah.)

I never put a lot of stock in that theory. I mean, I'm a Christian, but I try not to get into the mechanics of it. I believe in God. And for personal reasons. I don't care about Spirit Worlds or speaking in tongues. I like keeping my faith simple. I have a walk with God. but now....?

I have a friend who works in a hospice, and she is also a Christian. She has seen many, many things she can't explain. Her idea, is she works in an area of mass death. People come to her, to die, essentially. That being said, of the Christian idea, there is a lot of angels and demons alike in one spot, ready for the souls that depart. That can create a lot of strange things. One, is the one that has bothered me the most, and I'll explain why later. The Black Man In Black. Her husband was walking into her work one day, and saw a black man, older, kinda pudgy. Jowly face, almost like an old bulldog. He was in black. black shirt, jacket and hat. He (husband) was walking in, and saw the man standing in a patient's window, looking out at him. The Black Man In Black waved to her husband. He smiled and waved back. When he saw his wife, he asked who the man in room 11 was, and told her what he saw. She was confused, and ran to the patient's room. No one was there. And as she sits at the entrance and exit for that hall, no one had come or gone. They summed it up to weird, and left it at that. Few nights later, she sat, it was very late, watching the security cameras in the halls, reading and sorta taking it easy. Until someone passed by a camera. A black man in black. She started, staring at him on the screen. He turned to the camera, smiled, tipped his hat and walked into a wall, disappearing. Later the patient in the room he walked into would die within hours.

So creepy right? And okay, maybe she was messing with me. Y'know, late night ghost stories and stuff.

Except. Yesterday at work, my store was literally a buzz with Spirits and their chatter. They were everywhere. As I walked into the back room, I randomly poked my head into the service hallway that leads to the back door.

And there, stood the Black Man In Black.

Guys, I'm a little freaked. So far everything I have dismissed is showing up real. Or maybe I am that insane. I don't know what's happening to me.

[tessellation-constellation]

Thirty One. Panic.

Yesterday I had my first full scale panic attack at work. I did my best to hide it, but it lasted for an hour or more.

My condition is worsening by the day. I'm not okay and I can't deal anymore. Plus, I don't have insurance, so finding help is getting harder.

Lately work stresses me out so bad...I hate it there. This wasn't supposed to happen. This job was supposed to save me. I'm there constantly, and I might as well be caged in for 12 hours a day. All of this has set my empath abilities on a rollercoaster. Someday I'm a super empath and can feel what the person down the street isn't even feeling yet, or someday I'm numb, void of everything.

God my chest still hurts....

Some days it feels like I'll be this way forever. This angry, bitter, depressed mess.

[tessellation-constellation]

Thirty.

I sit and I wonder often about the future and the past.

Past, what could have been. What would I be like if I hadn't loved him, and he hadn't left such a mark on my heart? Or what would it all be like if he hadn't left me at all? What would I be like if I still had my memories? What's there, that I've forgotten? What would I be like, if the past wasn't some festering wound, of insecurities and beatings and hateful words?

Future, should I get myself checked out, physically and mentally? Will I always be so bitter? Will I someday fill my children's heads with false hopes and optimism of a bright future that isn't there? Just telling them to keep their heads up, and keep shooting for the stars! It's all possible, only if you try!

I can't move past my past today. It's my looks. I was always told that I was disgusting. That, if I stayed fat, I'd never be loved for who I am, I'm only good for what I can give a man on my back. "Fat" means you can't fit through the gates of Heaven. But you know, fat, ugly girls like myself, shouldn't despair, since we'll always have hot friends. Skinny, pretty girls need us, to make themselves look thinner and prettier. So we'll always have friends! That people are only nice to me, and compliment me so I won't go home and kill myself. They don't really mean it, it's just pity. Well, and lies, but lies told out of compassion, you see. That, even thinking for a second I'm worth something, is vanity. and vanity is a sin.

Then I have to hear how rude it is to not accept compliments. What a slap in the face! That I have to smile, and say thank you and act complimented when someone lies to me.

AND THEN, I see these girls, who post pictures of themselves, saying "Ugh I'm so ugly! I'm so fat!" (etc, etc) then the tags all read #beauty #pretty #sexy #baby

God. If you only knew. If you really only knew how it actually feels to be fat, or ugly. But nope. They get to skim on by, and I get yelled at for entertaining thoughts I might be not physically repulsive, but for Christ's sake, would it kill you to accept a compliment ONCE IN AWHILE?

Ugh. I have to open my store in a few hours. What was sleep again?

[tessellation-constellation]

Twenty Nine.

I am not the things that happened to me. I am what i choose to be.

I think it's time I saw a therapist. I have a lot of left over problems and issues I can't sort for myself after Chere died. I'm just simply not okay. I wasn't okay then, and I'm really not now. I hated everything...I mean everything after she died and everything went as wrong as it ever could go,  and then after a mental breakdown in church (thank God it was during the worship service lol) I just couldn't live my life anymore like that. I couldn't keep hating. So I bundled it all up into a big cardboard box and let all my issues sit in the back of my head, in the box. I had to find a way to live again. I didn't know what I was dealing with, much less how to even deal with it. Coupled with all the bad memories it brought back from my past...I just had to move on somehow. And I did. kinda. I mean, I live a life now, but as I go on I just realize I'm not okay. I'm not.

It takes a lot to admit that. I hate talking about my problems. It makes me feel like a huge whiny child. But here's what's wrong with me, all of it.

I had a really bad past. Abuse, both physical and mental, racism (against me), and so on. I was slapped if I "sat like a whore" (with ankles crossed, because ladies sat with their knees crossed.) I was told if I didn't lose weight, I'd never be pretty, and never find anyone who loved me for who I really was. I'd really only be good for what i could offer a man on my back. I was told to ignore the fact I was half Native American because "it's just best to honor the correct side of your family" (German)

When Chere died, at the funeral, my uncle stood up in front of everyone, and said "I consider myself to be her real father (then pointing at my dad) and I don't care what anyone says". i was told the wrong sister died, because she was much more loved, and graceful, and could do more than i ever could in this world.

So PTSD, first off. After Chere died, I was diagnosed with dissociative amnesia. Also after Chere died, I started noticing I was hearing voices and music that wasn't there. Seeing things that weren't there. I don't know what that's called, just that I'm doing it. However, I don't hear things ANYWHERE near as much as I used to, THANK GOD. I still see things literally...all the time. I find myself stressed more easily, and my reaction time is slower. I'm tired of feeling stupid. I mean, I've always felt stupid, but, this is worse. I can't seem to find any self love. i don't know how to fight for myself. People keep telling me to just do it! Just stop trying and do it!

ok. how? I have no idea. I've no idea how to fight for what I want out of life. I have dreams, but I never can focus on them because everyone else comes first. I don't know how to change that.

Physically, I need to go back to the gym. I'm generally happier when I work out, but with all the storms (bad joints :c ehh) and work, I haven't been able to. The past few months, my migraines have flared to almost out of control. I've had them since I was a kid, so they aren't foreign to me.They used to be so bad I'd see nothing but white. I'd always feel strange after a week long (or longer) stint of migraines. I'd feel shorter, or taller. I'd look in the mirror, but nothing would have changed. I'd still be me. But I'd feel like I was several inches taller or shorter. The simplest way I can explain it, is high heels. (Ladies....) When wearing high heels, you feel taller, all of the sudden, right? And then, when you take them off after having worn them all day, it's almost...disorienting just a little. You've been at a certain height all day, then suddenly you aren't. It's that, but more. I can't keep my balance, when this happens, feeling tall or short. Then one day, randomly on Tumblr, I found a post about Alice In Wonderland Syndrome (wiki-link, not the post) and how it's caused by migraines. I was baffled.

I feel like there's so much wrong, and there's a huge, tiring path ahead of me. I don't want to go, but I don't want to stay here. and I feel like I've done nothing but ramble stupidly here and i just

[tessellation-constellation]

Twenty Eight

Since Chere died, my head has been such a mess.

I can't remember things, a lot of things, actually. I care less about somethings, and care more about other things. I see things that aren't there. I hear things that aren't there. I trust less.

It's audit week at work, and ...*sigh* with him being gone, and it being audit week...I'm so tired and stressed. I've been seeing more things today that aren't there. And I know it's just the stress and being tired...but...it gets unnerving. I saw a ghost in a blanket, and a monster in a store window with no face. I saw a man in my back room at work.

And it being such high tension at work has sent me into sensory overload...I'm just tired....

[tessellation-constellation]

Twenty Seven

It's been two years to the day without her.

My head has been such a mess since.

today i stayed out of the house

today i shared a laugh with a stranger

today i shared a laugh with some freinds

i did my best. i didnt break down today. and i am so, so tired.