─── expired reader has been told she's dying. but how much does it matter if she wanted to anyway? best friend matt is heartbroken to be losing the girl he never shared his feelings for - until now.
warnings: suicide ideation, mentions of self injury/ suicide (no actual suicide), struggles with connections/relationships, medical trigger warning !! sickness, lots of crying, death is written as peaceful, mentions of childhood struggles, heavily implied death.
wc: 1.1k
au masterlist || previous || all aus
PART FOUR - FINALE
How do you want to be remembered?
Truthfully? - with every imperfection too?
I don't think many people want to be remembered for their flaws. Sometimes I think I do though, in a way.
When I die, as everyone will, I want people to know that I suffered. I think sometimes people do or choose to forget that I did.
When you spend your whole lifetime - however long or short, with a voice at the back of your mind telling you to stab yourself a million times over, you realise what would get you to plunge the knife into yourself one more time is the idea people would lie for your sake and call you the light of their life. Call you happy.
I don't want people to diminish my misery because it's more comforting to believe there were times when I was happy. The type of happy I've been has never been pure. Tainted in a way I could never clean. I tried to. Then i didnt want to try anymore. Then I wanted to just want to try. But I didn't. I don't.
If I die and the thing that lives on is times that I was pretending for everyone else’s sake, I'd just wish I'd yelled more.
I think I just need to die and be remembered as having suffered - enduring until I couldn't. I don't want people to invalidate how much I hid from them. There's so much people don't know. When I die, they won't ever know.
Maybe a part of you knew. It felt different.
You clung onto Matt more than normal, needing him for both balance and emotional stability. His eyes lingered on you as per usual, but a little more intense. Maybe a part of him knew too.
You couldn't get over the idea that all of this had been inevitable.
Matt’s chest gave off warmth that you envied. You dragged your fingertips across his chest, watching the way it rose with his breaths. You wondered when your own would stop.
“Hey,” he interrupted your spiralling, reaching to caress your face as gently as always.
You didn't have enough strength in you to answer, feeling as if parting your lips would allow your soul to escape you. Eyes blinking and sparkling up at Matt, you hoped he understood. Which he did.
“It’s okay,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to your forehead. “I promise it's okay.”
He didn't pull his head back for another moment, muttering soft words into your skin. You wished you could tattoo the feeling, live with his closeness permanently - but nothing really is permanent.
You heard him sniffle, deciding to use your ounce of strength to caress his face. Maybe he needed it more than you did. After all, you just had to let go. You finally got to leave everything, and you were holding the one thing, the one person that was holding you there, stabilizing you.
Matt tried to blink away his tears, face frown, sobs chasing to escape him.
“I-i’m sorry i dont- i didnt wanna be like-like this i-”
You pressed your forehead to his, eyelids fluttering and trying to close out of exhaustion. No part of you was okay with leaving Matt like this though, you wanted to do one thing right in your life.
“I- i just dont want you to go, i want you to stay.” His eyes squeezed, tears running down his face. “I wish it was okay - I do, but it's not. It's not, it's not, I need you.”
The effort to keep your eyes open had made them water - either that or you were displaying emotions that your mind couldn't signify to you.
You didn't really feel anything. You ached. Like you needed to click every bone in your body.
With your body reluctant, Matt had to hold you up, cradling your face and placing hurried kisses as the water spilled down your face. Sometimes you worried about how nice it felt - actions like that relaxed you a little too much, like you’d fall off the cliff of life if you soaked into the feeling for a second too long.
He choked down his sobs, laying down and placing you against him. His cheek pressed against your head. You felt safely enclosed, like something treasured yet secret in a small box.
You let your hand fall against Matt's chest, feeling his heartbeat. Therapeutic.
Should you feel guilty for feeling okay? Body for once swimming with a level of peace you'd never experienced, while the love of your life suffered in front of you. Would pain be worse?
“Matt?” you spoke up delicately, eyes threatening to close again.
He sniffled, hands shaking as he shifted so he could meet your eyes. “Y-yeah?”
You breathed deeply, pushing out energy without trying to. “It doesn't hurt.”
Matt’s face tensed, you knew he was trying not to cry. A touch of your hand to his cheek helped him to let go.
He placed his hand over yours, letting his emotions start to escape. You wanted him to feel just a little like how you did. You wanted him to feel peaceful.
“Thats-that's good, im-im glad you’re not hurting,” he inhaled sharply, another sob escaping him quickly after.
“It doesn't hurt anymore.” you reassured him, quiet, slow.
With every flutter of your eyelids, Matt felt his heart stop. Over and over. He knew what was coming and his anxieties tormented every second waiting for it.
“You’ll, you’ll be okay.” you relaxed your face, matt cried out once again as he placed his forehead against yours. There was limited warmth you gave off and yet he chased it still.
“But i-i need you.”
“You have me,” he tried to settle his breathing, “Always. I promise.” You made your oath.
He gently kissed your lips. He wanted to give his life to you, and in a way, this was the only version of that he could do.
“I love you,” Matt sobbed out. “So so much.”
“love you.”
I had to learn how to feel alive.
I grew up abandoned, but I felt hollow enough that I thought I wasn’t enough to even be considered ‘abandoned’. I wasn't worth anything.
It wasn't until I learned the way I was supposed to grow up that I mourned the life I should've had.
Death is harder when it shouldn't have happened. Life is harder when it doesn't feel like living. It's hard to compare life to death when you're always alone. That was how I grew up, that is how I live and that is how I will die.
When you turn the pages of my book, don't rush past the pages that seem blank, those empty pages may apparently seem to be void of words not because they don't have anything to say but some chapters in our lives need a certain kind of piercing vision to read through those silently screaming words. Pause, not everything is to be seen with your eyes, there are chapters which aren't written in plain words, they're kept blank on purpose, to be dived deep and to be grasped with your soul...
Here's the first look at what this project is really aiming to create! I spent a month and a half storyboarding all this, then another week to edit it together and create the music myself. Now that the foundation is here, I'm more confident that I can have the entire movie's script storyboarded just like it. Stay tuned for more updates!
