#end13ss

[end13ss-wonder]

2/26/2020- Trying to catch up on my readings today. Our exam is next week, but we’ve spent our last two class periods watching Goodfellas 🙄. Luckily work is slowing down so i should be able to spend more time studying.

[end13ss-wonder]

2/15/2020- Started officially learning Korean today! I’ve been wanting to do this for a few months now, but kept putting it off. The program is online through Coursera and Yonsei University. Right now i’m doing the free version, but if I actually keep up with it, i’ll pay the $50 for the certificate program.

[weight13ss]

junior year is officially now over. it's been my best and worst, but i wouldn't trade it for the world because it has no doubt been my favorite in my seventeen years on this earth. there's been such extreme downs, but at the same time so many extreme ups. and in retrospect, i love every single moment of it. even if it was utterly horrible, it just showed how the people i've met make everything so much better. so thank you thank you thank you, because it makes me so honored to have the privilege of meeting you. 

and i really just need to thank everyone who has supported me this year. i would have never made it to this internship without any of you. this internship really means so much to me because for the first time ever, i feel like i have a chance at a great future. i need to thank everyone for my success from this year, if that's not too narcissistic of me, because i really don't think i'd be here if i didn't have their love and comfort. having these friends means so much to me because this year i actually felt like i was worth something, like i actually had potential. to me, my friends are responsible for my future. yeah, it's still all me, but they help me be the best me that i can, and i just feel like my friends need to be appreciated so much in the world. maybe it's bias, but they're the best friends ever, and i wouldn't change a single day. 

edward and jacob, thank you for being the first people for me to meet at james lick. that summer you introduced me to so much and so many people, and i am eternally grateful for that. even in the fall y'all stayed by me and introduced me to even more people, and you have no clue how much it all means to me. when i first transferred to james lick i kind of felt so lost, but at the same time, i felt like i've never belonged anywhere more because i had y'all as my best friends. i still can't believe i've known y'all for almost a year now because it literally feels like two days at the same time that it feels like two decades. thank you for all the amazing times and thank you for putting up with me. sometimes i feel like no one knows me better than you two just because you guys got me talking so easily, more than anyone else i've ever met. thank you for being my best friends, thank you for memories, thank you for being you, thank you thank you thank you. 

sarah, i'm so sorry that i get so wrapped up on my own dramas that free time is always sleeping. it's not normal, and you have no idea how much i want to be spending that time with you. i love you so much, and i'm sorry if it ever feels otherwise. whenever i was upset this year, talking to you made everything better, and the days that i did get to spent with you were definitely highlights of my year. i always love every moment that you're home and every moment that i get to spend with you even more. i can't wait for you to come home, because i can't wait for you to be close by me. i miss you so so so much and i wish you were home forever, well, no. i just wish you were with me forever. you're my best friend in the whole entire world and i wouldn't trade you for anything because it's always midnight if i didn't have you. love love love, darling, forever is enough.

hannah, thank you for being around. thank you for being my cupertino best friend, thank you for being my country music loving best friend, thank you for being everything good that she was and everything so much more. thank you for always being a text away and thank you for out truck bed late nights and prom and bonfires and marina, and thank you for making me so happy. you're so wonderful, and you're definitely the person i miss the most since last year. you have so much brightness in you, and more people need to see that, and i really hope that everything with you and him work out well and i hope that you're happy, because anyone who makes me that happy for a small moment deserves all the happiness in the world. you're so amazing, hannah, don't let anything get you down because that just means it's not worth your time. i love you so much, and you're so wonderful. i can't wait for this summer and we'll have so many adventures and things are going to be so amazing, you'll never believe it

aaron, thank you for making me so so so happy.  thank you for prom and all the times we've sat around talking and thank you for all the times we were messing around and just thank you. i'm still kind of a horrible girlfriend, but thank you for still staying past that. i'm going to miss you so much this summer. i miss you so much right now. thank you for putting up with me and all my emotions, especially when my parents make me so frustrated, and thank you for putting up with me whenever i'm complaining about someone. thank you for always lifting my bad moods and making me feel so much better. thank you for your smiles and your laughs and all the moments i get caught up in thinking how wonderful you are. thank you for so much of the past few months, and thank you for so much of the future

i love y'all so so so much. the people i've met this year are the best that i could never fathom. sometimes it's like i'm living in one of those books where you fall in love with every character and it seems just too perfect to be real. even if i didn't mention you, i love you with all my heart. i love my table, i love everyone that i talk to regularly every day. i loved this year as i continue to love it. thank you thank you thank you, a million times thank you and infinite thanks, and it still feels like i owe all of you the world

you know, we're all made from stardust, but i wouldn't trade a single one of any of y'all for all the stars. 

[weight13ss]

and when you find everything you looked for, i hope your love will lead you back to my door, but if it don't, stay beautiful

i'm so grateful in my great perhaps that i've wound out with this wonderful boyfriend who makes me happier than ever and who i adore so much, almost as much as i adore when the moon is in the same sky as the sun, or watching the last flecks of a fire burn into the dark, or the shattering pulse of a deep loud base. i adore him so much, and i'm so honored to have him in my life. just seeing him makes me so insanely happy, like i've found out the reason i'm still here sometimes. i love the fact that i'm so silly with you sometimes because i'm never like that anywhere else, and i love how we can spend so much time sitting around and just talking without ever and awkward silence. i love your silliness, i love how you make me so happy, and i'll adore you for so much longer if you don't leave like so many have before. i adored you, i adore you, i will for so long adore you. i wonder if you know i'm trying so hard not to get caught up now, but you're just so cook, run your hands through your hair absent mindedly makin' me want you. and i don't know how it gets better than this, you take my hand and drag me head first fearless, and i don't know why but with you i'd dance in a storm in my best dress fearless.

and then there's edward, because i'm so happy to have him be one of my closest and dearest friends. i've learned so much about the world talking to him and there's still so many plethoras and myriads of facts that i want to know from him. no one reads me better than edward and no one is as easy to talk to as edward. and sometimes people joke about my two friends being edward and jacob and they joke that i'm bella. and yeah, maybe i am a little bit, because edward is always there to take care of me and let me learn so much more about the world. so thank you a million times because i owe my happiness and whole world to you. well you drive me crazy half the time, the other half i'm only trying to let you know that what i feel is true, and i'm only me when i'm with you.

and jacob, because he's one of the most unique person with the way that he thinks and how much he's just like me and how much he's not. some things he understands that so many others don't. and there's so much sparks and bubbles and quirks within him that always come out in small perks, but i know there's so many more to familiarize. he was one of the first two people to ever change my life so greatly and so much more enjoyably. there's just so much creativity and spontaneity that's exploding to be let out, and maybe it's because i've lost that, but it's the part of him that i absolutely love. maybe we're the same this way, or maybe i've lost that part of me so we're different, but thank you for unintentionally making me realize so much about myself by knowing so much about yourself. memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song

and today. today was no doubt one of my greatest infinities. today was the stress from getting ready for prom, today was the stress from me actually not in charge of planning, today was prom, and today was so perfect and wonderful. prom was just utterly gorgeous, not just in the way of the perfect weather or the perfect sitting area but in the way that i had the most perfect people around me. we're all so flawed and broken, yet we make things seem so perfect and fixed (maybe even if it's all in my head.) and yeah, prom was just so lovely because it was one of those dresses that i hope people see just as stunning as i do, and because aaron and i were dressed up enough to make people think we just got married, and because my most favorite people were there and because i got to see someone who i haven't seen in literally almost three years. and i danced at prom with just the perfect person for the occasion and i've never had that much fun dancing before, and i'll always remember my happiness in a slow dance being an actual country song with bryan adam's everything i do, i do it for you. really, prom was just flawless and i can't think of any other word that fits it better. i said, 'oh my, what a marvelous tune', it was the best night, never would forget how we moved. the whole place was dressed to the nines, and we were dancing, dancing, like we're made of starlight

and with prom, there's always that after-party. and maybe it wasn't entirely a party, but it was a party enough for me. and of course prom had to be on the same day as 4/20, but i was so so so very happy just to be with my three boys enjoying the view and each other and freedom. those few hours and an insane number of laughs could never compare to any other night i've had before, i feel like they'd never compare to anything else i know, really. that mesmerizing buzz of cheek numbing smiles has never before been so long, and that hush of the city and wind made everything seem so simple and fixed, so put together since it hasn't been the past short while. spinning like a girl in a brand new dress, we had this big wide city all to ourselves.

and with every 4/20, there's always denny's. thank you for that wonderful time and putting up with my insane lack of table manners and ommigod that was horrible service. we were probably there for an hour, but it felt like five. that might have, probably is, the best time i've ever had at 2 or 3 am and really reminding me over and over again how insanely happy i am in all those moment and in this moment now. y'all are my wonderwall, and i'm so happy to have that past midnight meal with the best friends i could ask for. and i didn't know if you knew, so i'm taking this chance to say that i had the best day with you today

ugh, just the perfection of today is so hard to comprehend yet so terribly insanely easy. two headlights shine through the sleepless night and i will get you, and get you alone, your name has echoed through my mind and i just think you should, think you should know that nothing safe is worth the drive

and anyone who makes me feel so completely wonderful and lightheaded happy and up for anything deserves my whole world, because everything that i love would not exist if it weren't for them. 

long live the walls we crashed through, all the kingdom lights shined just for me and you, i was screaming long live all the magic we made