#endless text rambles

[xultang]

I wish we could talk late again.....I gotta feeling another restless night is coming.

[xultang]

I'm starting to wonder if I was ever actually loved enough. I've been admired and talked about, but when people say they love me, they never knew how to show it except for the way they knew best. I wonder also if that same reason, the last one, applies to me and my stillness to love again. I could feel myself making the gaze, feeling the heart flutter and butterflies filling my soul and then quickly and coldly dispersing out of me.

I want to love and be loved again. And seeing how far down the road I'm on, I have a hard time seeing myself love anyone ever again. But I crave it at that first feeling.

Maybe I'm becoming weak and need to be held

[xultang]

I love when people give me obvious tips. "Oh if you're looking for something, why don't you make a post on this page?"

Like wowwwwww thank you loading screen tip, maybe I SHOULD try that instead of commenting and posting everywhere.

*big sigh*

[xultang]

You won't get to control me again. I'm not letting you have any of my heart again. To use me to justify your wrongs. I'm not that tool to rely on. I am not at your whim nor your employ. Leave me the fuck alone.

[xultang]

UgH the wierdest shit happened tonight. I went out for a quick smoke and sat in front of the garage. As dark as it was I thought it was all good. 30 minutes. I was sitting in my chair for 30 mins until I felt something crawl on my leg. I look down and flash my light and discover I was covered in these big ants over my feet. I jump up and brush them off but then slowly realize they never bit me. Not once. They just kept working their nocturnal asses off. In my head I'm chanting "I am the king of the ants" but I don't think that's the case.

[xultang]

I can't let this diminish my will to live

This is not the end

This is not the end

I must chant this if I'm going to change

I know what I must do

This is not the end.

I'm finally opening my eyes

To the pain I chose to ignore

To the pain I chose to endure

And to the pain I chose to deal

I am reaping from those seeds

And the plants of my deeds

Are in thick and deep

This is not the end

I must pull the weeds from the roots

This is not the end

I can't make up lost time, but I can make new memories

This is not the end, THIS IS NOT THE FUCKING END

Do not give up on this

Do not give up on yourself

Acknowledge the past and make the future

The future you crave so much

Even if it meant sacrifice

This..is..not..the..end

[xultang]

You make me choke

And you never had to use your hands

A look, a word, a notion

It becomes me, consumes me, and destroys me

[xultang]

It's hazey when we try to relive moments we once cherished. Both knowing our love is elsewhere, we still embrace like it's still here. She will love these final moments. I will come to despise and dispute them.

This is not the place I want to be at, and these people around me do not love me.