I still am kind of hesitant to call you dad sometimes, even though we both know that it's perfectly fine, and that you wouldn't call me out on it. So I'm gonna go on and call you that for the rest of this letter, okay?
Dad, why did you have to do that? You left us all behind, always the hero, sacrificing yourself. Were you out of your damn mind when you took those stones? You had to be. Although you've always had that dash of crazyness. And you have always been ready to sacrifice yourself. I just wish you didn't do it, because then you would still be with us.
I wish we'd have had more time together, I really do. And I wish Morgan wouldn't have to grow up only with her mother there, even though I know Pepper will kill it at raising her by herself. She's the best mom. And you are the best dad.
I know that (or, at least I feel like), you had your doubts about becoming a dad, with the whole thing about your own dad not being the best one and you not having the best role model to become one yourself, but let me tell you that you are the dorkiest, sassiest, funniest, most caring dad ever. And sometimes a bit reckless and stupid, but that makes you even funnier. And you are loving, and protective of the ones you love, and you pay attention to details and you try to make everything the right way, even if you don't know yourself sometimes what's right and what's wrong.
You learned from your mistakes, because you are oh so smart, and you redeemed yourself. And you became a hero. The greatest one there ever was or will be, if you ask me.
I could go on and on talking about everything I love about you (or that I dislike about you), but that would only be to never let go of you. And the truth is, that I will never. For as long as I'll feel you with me, I will know that you are there. I know you are.
You are amazing. And I just want to be like you. Thank you for accepting me in your life, and letting me become part of the family. Thank you for letting me be your kid, and thank you for being my dad when I needed one.
I love you 3000, yours forever,
Your H
Pd: i'll see you in the workshop to go work on your suits with Friday and dummy
Warning: This story contains describing of self harming and suicidal thoughts. Please do not read if this is triggering for you.
You matter. Your mental health matters.
Summary: Being an Avenger was busy - filled with training, stopping the bad guys, and doing a little too much paperwork. When a day off comes your way, you decide to spend it with your favorite Black Widow. Your night takes a very different route, very quickly.
Warning: Self harm, self harm scars, blood, use of a razor blood, guilt, major character death, mention of Red Room
Word Count: 2.7k
You loved your job - it was daunting, exhausting, draining but being part of the Avengers was something you could do for the rest of your life. Nick Fury found you working long hours at a local clinic. He knew of your gifts - you were a healer - no physical injury was too much for you. The only limitation was the injury was transferred to you but you had an incredibly healing factor. Your time with Charles Xavier pushed the limits of your ability. Fury offered you a spot on the team and you accepted without much hesitation. You fought alongside Captain America and Iron Man during Loki’s invasion of New York. You battled against Ultron and now you were helping Steve and Natasha train the new group of Avengers. It has been exhausting but rewarding. You were spread far too thin. Clint retired to his family. Bruce was MIA. Thor was off-world and Tony was taking a step back from behind a superhero after his creation destroyed a whole country - you didn’t blame him. But with the extra training and bad guys still being bad you hadn’t had time to spend with your favorite Black Widow.
You and Natasha became close rather quickly much to the team’s surprise. You understood her on a level close to Clint’s understanding of the ex-assassin. You didn’t force her to change who she was. Natasha could sit in your presence and not have to utter a word but knew someone was there for her. Before Ultron’s attack, Natasha was showing you all the Bond movies. She told you it was a disgrace that you haven’t seen the movies while being in this line of work. Movie nights were your favorite. The two of you tucked away, under blanks with your favorite snacks. Natasha would mutter the lines and usually it would annoy you but it was Natasha - she could get away with anything in your eyes. Tonight was perfect to start movie night back up. Steve cut training short and gave everyone the night off. Since you all have been back at the compound, something was off with Natasha. You couldn’t pinpoint if she was still struggling with what Wanda did with her head (which she apologized for) or the way Bruce left her.
You made your way to Natasha’s room, arms filled with snacks and your favorite blanket hanging on your shoulder. You knocked on her door. No answer. You knew she was in her room - FRIDAY informed you of that. You knocked again.
‘Tasha, I can’t open the door, my hands are full.’ Still no answer. ‘FRIDAY, where is Natasha?’ You asked the AI again.
‘She was in her room from my last pinpoint. But she removed my access to her room.’ You didn’t like that. You dropped the snacks on the floor and tried opening the door, it was locked.
‘FRIDAY, open Natasha’s door.’
‘Before she deactivated me she turned on do not disturb mode.’
‘I don’t give a damn what she said. Override and open her door before I break it down.’ The AI didn’t respond and the seconds ticked away, feeling like hours. The soft click of Natasha’s door unlocking filled the quiet hallway. Her room was dark when you opened the door, muttering a thank you to the AI. The only light was the glow around the bathroom door. ‘Nat.’ You called out as you ran over to the bathroom, finding another locked door. ‘Natasha, it’s me.’ You said, giggling the handle. ‘Please open the door.’
It finally hit you. Your powers picked up that someone was injured. It started as a tingling in the palm in your hands that moved by your arms and soon covered your body. ‘Romanoff, I’m breaking down this door.’ You braced your shoulder against the closed door, slamming yourself against it. Damn Tony for building this place so well, you cursed. You took a step back and kicked the door. It swung open. That is where you found her. Natasha was sitting against the frosted glass door of her shower, wearing black spandex and a white tank top. It was her normal outfit when she was relaxing in her room. But what stopped you in your tracks was the thin razor blade in her hand, covered in blood. Her thighs and arms were covered in thin lines, oozing blood. She was staring at her arms, her eyes glossed over, as the blood was dripping down. The door being forced open didn’t break her gaze.
‘Nat,’ You said softly, kneeling in front of her. The sound of her name forced her to look away. She looked at you. She looked through you, her eyes showed no recognition. ‘Nat, can you hand me that blade?’ You asked, pointing to her hand. Her eyes followed where you were pointing. She didn’t hand it over. She closed her hand into a fist and started to squeeze. Blood trickled down her arm. ‘Natasha.’ You said, grabbing her arm. Her head snapped back to you. Her eyes were less glossed over.
‘Y/n?’ She questioned.
‘Yeah it’s me. Can I have that razor blade?’ You’ve never seen Natasha so scared, so small. She dropped the blade in your outstretched hand and you placed it on the sink counter. ‘I’m going to heal you know, okay?’
‘No! Don’t!’ She struggled to get away from you but you had her trapped. You’ve dealt with people self-harming during your time at the clinic and that last thing you wanted was them to feel trapped, isolated. But you had no choice.
‘Natasha, you are losing a lot of blood. I need to heal you.’ You watched as her head tipped forward - the mention of her blood loss pulled her out of her dissociative episode and you watched her face morph into pain.
‘You weren’t’ She struggled to find her words. ‘Suppose to find out.’ It was slurred together. You placed her fingers on her temples.
‘Everything will be okay, Natty. Just sleep.’ Her eyes struggled to stay open, fighting your powers. ‘I’ll be here when you wake up.’ Your powers won and her eyes closed.
Once Natasha fell asleep, you healed the cuts on her thighs, arms, and the one on her hand. Your body ached as the cuts transferred from her body to your own but they healed quickly. Once the cuts were closed, you grabbed a washcloth and cleaned up the blood on Natasha. As the blood started to disappear, you saw old scars. Your heart broke but you forced your own emotions down. You pushed your own emotions down to focus on Natasha. You cleaned the blood off your hands and changed Natasha into a sweatshirt and shorts. The sweatshirt was one of yours. She stole it one night while in your room and never gave it back. You gently picked up the sleeping Black Widow and laid her in her bed. You stayed there for a second, watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest. How did you not notice she was hurting? You were a healer! You let out a frustrated sigh and left her room. Quickly, you cleaned up the mess in the hallway and grabbed a Gatorade and apple juice from the kitchen. When you returned - Natasha was still out as you placed the drinks on her nightstand. You moved the loose hair out her face and kissed her forehead.
‘Please don’t leave me.’ You mumbled against her skin. ‘Hold on, I still want you. Come back, I still need you.’ You whipped away your tears before they fell on her skin. You returned back to the bathroom, shaking the image of Natasha’s body from your memory as you cleaned the floor. The bathroom was clean as if it never happened, as if you almost didn’t lose the most important person in your life. You washed your hands again. The water turned a light pink as Natasha’s blood swirled down the drain.
What if you didn’t want to watch a movie tonight? Would you have found her in time? Or would Natasha be another person you were too late to save - flashes of Pietro’s bullet riddled body filled your mind. You let out a shaky breath. You knew something was wrong. Every time you entered a room, where it was only Natasha, she would leave quickly. As you both spared, you felt that same tingle but she said it was only a pulled muscle or bruises left from a previous training she did. You thought if something was truly wrong, Natasha would come to you. After years of friendship between the two of you - there was trust. Wasn’t there?
The sound of movement from Natasha’s bed - pulled you out of your spiraling thoughts. You turned off the water, dried your hands, and walked back into her room. You watched as Natasha sat up, looking around her room confused. ‘Take it easy,’ You said softly sitting on the edge of her bed. She watched you intensely as you handed her the Gatorade that you opened. ‘You lost a lot of blood. Drink this, it will help.’ To your surprise she drank it without any argument. She always was stubborn about following doctor’s orders. Once she was done, she handed it back to you. Now her eyes were no longer on her. She became fascinated with the string coming from the sleeve of your - well her sweatshirt. The air was thick with tension. It reminded you of when you were young. After every fight your parents got into the next day they would ignore each other. You had to break the silence.
‘I’m not going to force you to talk about it.’ You said. ‘But when I found you sitting in your bathroom - there was so much blood.’ You tried to keep your voice steady. Your voice shook. Keeping your emotions hidden wasn’t your strong suit - it was why you never went undercover. ‘I can’t imagine a world with you gone. I’d be so lost if you left me alone.’ Natasha closed her eyes and you watched as her lip shook but no tears fell.
‘I didn’t want you to find out.’ Her voice was thick with emotions, slipping back into her Russian accent. You learned when Natasha was overly tired or her emotions were out of control, the mask started to crack. The first sign was her accent.
‘Why?’ You found yourself asking.
‘Because I should be stronger than this. I should be over what they did to me. But when she fucked with my head it all came rushing back.’ Her voice was becoming louder. ‘I want to be free from them. Why can’t I be free?’ The tears finally escaped. Natasha was unable to fight them back. The sob that left the Black Widow was heart wrenching and it startled you. Without thinking, you pulled the red head into a hug. You felt her body tense but you started to rub small circles on her back. She melted into your embrace, allowing for the mask to fall. Her body shook as she cried, tears staining your shirt. But you didn’t care. You moved into a more comfortable position with your back against the wall while Natasha's head was still buried in your shoulder. Her hands twisted at your shirt - trying to ground herself. Soon her sobs turned into hiccups and you felt her breath even out. But she didn’t move away. You moved your hand from her to back to her hair - running your fingers through her red locks.
‘It messes with me too.’ You finally said. ‘What Wanda showed me. You were there - the whole team was Tony, Maria, Steve, Sam, and even Nick. You were all hurt and I couldn’t get to you in time. You all died in my arms.’ Natasha turned her head to face you. ‘Then it happened - I wasn’t fast enough.’
‘Pietro’s death was not your fault.’ You hummed, nodding your head. You could still hear Wanda’s broken screams and the wave of her magic pulsing through her body. You could heal a lot but a broken heart was not one of them. The image of her face as she stepped onto the boast she found you holding the body of her brother - his blood soaking your uniform still haunted your dreams.
‘You were in mine.’ Natasha confessed. ‘I was back in the Red Room during Target Practice. Sometimes they kept the bag over the person’s head but when I stepped up they removed it and it was you. They made me pull the trigger. It was my last assignment before graduation.’ You felt her body shake and you braced yourself for the next round of tears but they didn’t come. ‘It was a constant repeat.’ She pulled away from you, leaning against her head board. You hated to admit it but you missed her being so close. The warmth of her body. ‘The cutting gave me control. It allowed me to feel a different pain. I didn’t think it could get this bad but it became addictive.’ She licked her lips. ‘I’m sorry.’ You shook your head, putting her finger underneath her chin lifting her head up.
‘You have nothing to be sorry about. You are not alone in this. I am right here.’ She nodded as you cupped her cheek in your hand pushing her tears away. ‘Let me take your hand, I’ll make it right. I swear to love you all of my life.’ Her breath hitched at the mention of love.
‘I need time.’ She said softly. ‘I can’t give my heart away and get it broken again.’ You nodded, cursing Bruce Banner in your head. Hulk or not - you wanted to slap him.
‘I can wait.’ You took her hands and pulled back her sleeves, revealing her scars. You traced every one of them. ‘No more hurting yourself, okay? I know it’s not going to be easy but I will be here.’ You chucked, shaking your head. ‘I’m being selfish. I still need you. I don’t want to let you go. I’m not strong enough for that.’ Natasha nodded. ‘Please don’t leave me.’ You whispered.
‘I won’t.’ And you believed her.
October 2023
You watched as your family gathered around, readying themselves to fix a wrong that happened 5 years ago. You were listening intensely as Bruce explained your job. You weren’t going, mostly because Natasha pleaded with you to stay here. But you were in charge of sending them and bringing them back. No pressure. Warm arms wrapped around your waist and you leaned into your girlfriend’s embrace. ‘Don’t stress, kotenok.’ Natasha whispered, kissing the side of your head. Bruce went to join the others on the platform. You spun around in Natasha’s arms, kissing her deeply not caring who was around.
‘You be safe up there. Don’t do anything stupid.’ She chuckled, kissing your forehead.
‘I love you.’ She said.
‘I love you too.’ She kissed you again and joined the rest of the team, taking her spot next to Clint. You listened as Steve gave his famous hero speech. But your eyes never left your girlfriend.
‘Be careful. Look out for each other. This is the fight of our lives. And we’re going to win. Whatever it takes. Good luck. You saw Natasha smirk at Steve then at you.
‘See you in a minute.’ You took that as your cue to push the button and you watched your family disappear. The countdown started. 1 minute then flip the switch to bring them back. Anxiety creeped over you as the seconds ticked by and you felt the familiar tingle in your palms as the alarm went off. You had no time to dwell on it as you flipped the switch. The circle of Avengers reformed, all slightly off balanced from the sudden impact. The room was buzzing with excitement at a successful mission. But your eyes failed to see your favorite redhead. Clint fell to his knees. The sound echoed throughout the room, silencing the group.
‘Hey Doc, I just want you to know that uh... I don’t blame you. At all. Yeah. For anything. I did what I had to do, I did it for them... and I did it for you. Mostly for you, but don’t tell the others that; favouritism and all. Messy. Yeah. So. Thanks for the ride, Doc. It’s been a hoot. Peace in your time. - xxx T.S’
I watched Endgame again, and man they did Thor dirty. He lost a lot of people in Ragnarok, then immediately lost more to Thanos, and then lost the fight causing Thanos to win.
So what did they do? Treat his depression as a running joke.
Plus, I don’t think he would just lie down and get fat and lazy. “But It shows even heroes have flaws” Yeah, but flaws need to consistent with the character. With everything he learned he would be aggressively leading his people to a fault, because he doesn’t want to lose anyone else. He would be overprotective, which would no doubt lead to some problems. He would still be depressed, and believe he’s no longer worthy, but this way it would make sense. And don't even get me started on him leaving his people in the end.
You can’t just erase years of character development because you want to have some joke at the expense of someone who is depressed. I don’t think a hero getting depressed and fat after losing is necessarily stupid, just that Thor is not that hero.
I have a lot of problems with that movie, so best not to get too far into it. So many good moments though.
