all I think about are Bucky and John and itâs like âŚ.Bucky trying to explain to Sam and heâs like⌠couldnât you have brought us home a Normal pet. Like another cat. And Buckyâs like, no babe trust me heâs kinda like a cat
summary: bucky struggles with his inner demons and fear of hurting you, keeping you at a distance with his whiskey and self-doubt.
pairing: bucky barnes x reader
word count: 3k
warnings: angsty sad bucky with a little bit of a drinking problem, happy ending
you fiddled with the lock, hands full with bags from the grocery store. the door swung open, heâs sitting on the couch, seemingly zoning out before turning his head to you as he sees you walk inside, his gaze grumpy as usual.
"hi, buck." you said with a sigh.
after his pardon, you'd thought that it would all be a fresh start. he had been home for months, but the weight of the past never left him. his court-mandated therapy had maybe helped somewhat, but whiskey was what helped dull the edges, numbing the guilt and the nightmares.
the serum running through his veins made it hard for him to ever truly be drunk, but it wasn't for a lack of trying.
he nods silently as a greeting before taking another sip from his whiskey bottle, his eyes narrowing into a curious look as he gives you a once-over. he watches you from the couch for a moment, his eyes following you as you entered the kitchen. he couldnât help but glance at the grocery bag you had set down.
â..whatcha got there?â
your eyes met his as you looked up at him.
"if you want more whiskey, you're out of luck." you quipped.
bucky let out a soft huff of annoyance at your blunt comment. he leaned back on the couch, his gaze shifting to the television instead.
âwas just trying to make conversation, that's all.â
you let out a small 'mhm'. you couldn't help it. it seemed like every exchange you shared nowadays was some passive-aggressive back-and-forth, a dance between anger and frustration. you sighed, pulling out the groceries and setting them on the counter, trying to ignore the pit in your stomach. it was getting harder to reach him, to find the man beneath the silence and whiskey haze.
it wasn't always like this, you remembered when he first came homeâhow he tried, at least for a little while. he went to therapy, tried to keep a routine, even let himself smile every now and then. but that didnât last. the weight of it all was too much, and he started retreating, piece by piece, until all that was left was thisâBucky Barnes, slumped on the couch, a bottle in hand, eyes empty.
it all had happened gradually. you had, in some ways, gotten used to this life. some days were harder than others, but you had largely given up trying to get through to him.
you wanted to help himâyou really didâbut the truth was, you didnât know how. you had tried everything: patience, encouragement, giving him space, then not giving him space. nothing worked. every time you reached out, it felt like grasping at smoke, like trying to hold onto someone who had already decided to let go.
and maybe that was the worst partâyou didnât know if he even wanted your help. if he wanted to get better. if he wanted you around at all.
you were struggling too, though you never said it out loud. the weight of it allâwatching him disappear into himself, the nights spent lying awake, wishing for things to be different and yearning for the past. it was exhausting.
so you stopped saying much of anything.
every conversation led to nowhere. empty words, half-hearted replies, moments that used to mean something, now stretched thin with tension. you missed himâeven if he was right there.
but you stayed despite it all. you pathetically clung on to the moments you shared that weren't drenched in silence or awkwardness. like the nights when, despite everything, he still pulled you close.
there were times, in the quiet of the dark, when he would reach for you, almost instinctively. his arm would wrap around your waist, his fingers gripping the fabric of your shirt like he was afraid youâd slip away. he never said much, but you felt itâthe way his breathing evened out when you traced circles on his back, the way his body relaxed against yours, like you were the only thing grounding him.
every nightmare he had, you were right there by his side. it was just routine now. you knew the exact things to say and do to bring him the comfort he so badly needed.
some mornings, if you were lucky, youâd wake up with his head buried in the crook of your neck, his hair tickling your skin, his hold just a little tighter, like he wasnât ready to let go just yet. and then there were the rare days when heâd find you in the kitchen, his arms sneaking around your waist, pressing a sleepy kiss to your shoulder, mumbling something about how beautiful you were.
those moments kept you tethered to him, to the hope that maybe, somewhere beneath the weight he carried, the bucky you loved was still there.
buckyâs eyes were back to the television, but it was clear he wasnât really watching it. the silence between you hung heavy, filled with all the things neither of you knew how to say. you turned around, packing away the groceries, and you could feel the weight of his stare on your back.
bucky let out a sigh, his voice low as he spoke again. âyou know, itâs been a while since youâve even tried to talk to me.â
you froze, your fingers gripping the edge of the counter, feeling a sudden tightness in your chest. you wanted to say something, to turn around and face him. but you couldn't. did he really think that things were fine?
you were worn down emotionally. it had been a while since you had tried to talk about things, and you felt pressure rising in your chest. you didn't know if you wanted to shout or cry. you took a deep breath, trying to steady yourself. you could feel it building inside you, the way it twisted your insides, the frustration that threatened to spill over. you didnât want to snap at him, didnât want this to end in a round of hurt feelings, but you were so tired, so damn tired of pretending that everything was okay when it wasnât.
"i donât know how, bucky," you said, your voice bearly above a whisper. "i donât know how much longer i can keep doing this."
you couldn't face him in this moment. you didn't want to see the look on his face. a moment of silence passed between you, the weight of your words hanging heavily in the air.
a soft thud echoed through the room, the bottle of whiskey now on the coffee table. you heard footsteps approching the kitchen island.
"what are you saying?" he exclaimed, his voice cautious.
your heart felt heavy, weighed down by the truth you could no longer keep to yourself. you still couldnât face him. you couldn't bring yourself to meet his eyes, afraid that if you did, the dam inside you would break. you werenât sure if you were ready for that, or if you could even handle it. you weren't good at things like this.
âi donât know, that i'm tired,â you whispered, your hands gripping the counter harder.
âiâm not just tired, bucky. iâm... iâm exhausted. mentally, emotionally... you canât keep pushing me away like this and expect me to stay strong. iâm tryingâi really amâbut i donât know how much longer i can keep pretending like i'm okay when i'm not."
your head hung low as you tried to maintain your composure. you slowly turned around to face him, your hands trembling slightly.
you could see his posture stiffen, the way his eyes shifted, guilty and conflicted. he opened his mouth to say something, but the words escaped him. you averted your gaze, unable to keep your eyes on his.
"i donât want to leave. i donât want to walk away from you, but i canât keep losing myself in thisâin us. i canât keep putting on a brave face when every part of me feels like i'm drowning. i just donât know how to keep going like this.â you had put it all out there, wiping a tear that you hadnât realized had fallen.
you wanted to feel like you werenât alone in this, like he would hear you and see you, but you werenât sure if he would. you werenât sure if anything would ever change. and that was the most painful, terrifying partâthe possibility that time wouldn't heal this.
you tried not to think about it. losing him. the love you felt for him, you knew that would never go awayâyou'd live the rest of your life wishing things had been different.
finally, his voice broke through the quiet, rough and hesitant. âi didnât mean for it to be like this," he said, his words slow, almost unsure. "i didnât mean to make you feel like youâre... alone in this. i know Iâve been pushing you away.â
"but i donât know how to fix it. i donât know how to be... the guy you need me to be, not when I can barely stand myself.â he sighed, rubbing the back of his head.
your breath hitched in your throat, suprised at the vulnerability he was suddenly presenting you.
âi justâi'm scared, okay? scared that i'll make it worse, that iâll drag you down with me.â
there was an ache in his words, a deep and raw honesty that you hadnât heard in so long.
you stood still for a moment, letting his words settle in the space between you. his honesty hit you hard, more than you expected, and for the first time in what felt like forever, you werenât just angry or frustrated. you felt a sadnessâbecause you knew he didnât want to be like this. you just couldnât seem to find a way out of the mess you both were tangled in.
you finally met his eyes. your heart twisted at the vulnerability there, the way he seemed to shrink under the weight of it all. god, how did you get here?
âiâŚâ you paused, swallowing the lump in your throat, fighting the wave of emotion that threatened to break through. âiâm scared too.â
âiâm scared that i'm losing you. sometimes i feel like i already have. i tried so hard, and i couldn't reach you. and i donât know how to keep going like this, with this distance between us.â
you wiped your hand across your eyes, trying to keep the tears at bay, despite some of them having already escaped. âi donât know how to help you when you wonât let me in, when you push me away like i'm... like iâm just a part of the mess youâre trying to escape.â your voice cracked at the end of your sentence, you looked awayâtaking a deep breath to compose yourself.
âbut Iâm not going anywhere, bucky. iâm here, and i'm trying to understand, even when it feels impossible. i just⌠i need you to meet me halfway. i canât fix this alone.â
Buckyâs gaze softened, his eyes locked onto yours with a mixture of blame and something deeperâsomething almost like relief. relief that even after everything, you still were extending him an olive branch.
he wandered around to the other side of the kitchen island seperating you, now at your side.
your hands were softly clutching the edge of the counter, searching for comfort.
bucky stood there for a moment, just close enough that you could feel the heat of his presence, but far enough that the space between you still felt heavy. the quiet in the room stretched on, thick with unspoken words, as if he was gathering the courage to say something. then, without warning, he reached out, his hand brushing against yours, tentative, like he wasnât sure whether you would pull away.
you didnât.
he sighed, an abysmal, worn-out sound that seemed to come from somewhere deep within him.
âi'm sorry,â he murmured, his voice low, barely above a whisper. âi didnât mean to push you away. i didnât mean to make you feel like youâre not enough.â he paused, his thumb brushing lightly over your hand, the movement barely perceptible. âiâve got these thoughts, these... memories that i canât get rid of. they donât stop. and sometimes, iâm afraid that one day, theyâll take over, and iâll lose control. i know i was deprogrammed, i know he's gone, but the fearâit's still there. deep down, itâs still there."
he paused, swallowing hard, the weight of his admission sinking in. âi keep thinking that one day, iâm gonna snap, and iâll hurt you. youâre the best thing thatâs happened to me, i feel so undeserving of you. youâre everything Iâve ever wanted, everything good in this messed up world, and i... i donât know how to be the man you deserve. i donât know how to be the person you see when you look at me."
you breathed his name softly, "bucky..." your voice unsure, a mix of compassion and concern threading through each syllable.
he shook his head, running his free hand over his face as if trying to erase the doubts he couldnât shake. "iâve done horrible things. things iâll never be able to make up for, no matter how hard I try. you know that. even now, i feel like iâm still that same broken soldier, still capable of hurting the people i love. you donât deserve someone like me."
his words came out with such quiet devastation that it made your chest tighten even further. you could see how much he was struggling with the weight of his past, how it felt like a shadow he couldnât escape, no matter how much time had passed.
"i look at you, and i see all the love and kindness youâve given me, and i justâi feel like Iâm not enough, like iâll never be enough."
you felt an overwhelming mix of empathy and frustration swirling inside you. you loved him so much, more than he could ever know, and yet here he was, convinced that he wasnât worthy of you. it hurt, but what hurt even more was that he couldnât see itâthat you had chosen him, not just once, but every single day. through every struggle, every painful argument, you had stayed.
"you donât get to do that. you donât get to act like you know whatâs best for me, like my feelings donât matter. i love you, bucky. i chose you. not because youâre perfect, not because i expect you to be someone youâre not, but because i see you. you. and i want you, just as you are."
you turned your body towards him, your eyes now staring up at him intently.
"you keep saying youâre scared of hurting me, but donât you see? thisâpushing me away, shutting me out like i'm not capable of helping you carry your burdensâthat hurts more than anything else ever could." you exhaled sharply, trying to steady yourself. "i donât need you to be perfect. i just need you to let me in."
you gripped his hand tightly in yours. buckyâs breath hitched as he stared down at you, his adamâs apple bobbing with the force of the emotions he was trying to hold back. his fingers twitched in your grip, and for a second, you thought he might pull away.
his chest rose and fell with a shaky breath, his blue eyes flickering back and forth into your intense stare. he was searchingâmaybe for reassurance, maybe for proof that you really meant every word. âi donât know what to do.â he admitted, voice barely above a whisper, his eyes leaving yours as he stared off into the kitchen.
"let me in. that's your only choice if you want me to stay." you said, practically a demand.
bucky swallowed hard before his gaze finally met yours again. there was hesitation there, fear still lingering in the depths of his tired eyes, but there was something else, tooâsomething softer, something that looked a little like hope.
he exhaled, shaky and uncertain, but then he gave a small nod. âokay,â he murmured. âi'll try.â
relief flooded through you, and you reached for his hand again, giving it a firm squeeze. âthatâs all I need,â you said gently. âjust try.â
bucky looked down at your joined hands for a moment, his thumb brushing absentmindedly over your skin before he let out a quiet, almost self-deprecating chuckle. âguess that means i should probably start by putting down the damn bottle, huh?â
a small smile tugged at your lips despite the heavy conversation. âwouldnât be the worst idea.â
without another word, bucky turned, walking back toward the couch where his nearly empty whiskey bottle sat on the coffee table. he hesitated only briefly before reaching for it, lifting it just enough to stare at the amber liquid inside. then, with a deep breath, he stood up straighter and walked toward the kitchen sink.
you watched as he uncapped it, his fingers tightening around the neck of the bottle before tilting it over the drain. the scent of whiskey filled the air as the liquid splashed against the metal, swirling away until nothing was left.
bucky set the empty bottle down with a quiet clink, then looked back at you. his expression was unreadable for a moment before he nodded, hands on his hips, as if trying to convince himself of his own decision. âthere. thatâs a start, right?â
you stepped closer, pressing your forehead softly against his shoulder, your fingers curling gently around his waist. âyeah,â you whispered. âthatâs a start.â
he lifted his arms and wrapped them around you, pulling you into his chest. it wasnât desperate or suffocatingâit was sweet, careful. you melted into him.
he buried his face against your hair, his breath warm against your skin. âthank you, doll.â he murmured, so soft you barely heard it.
you squeezed him a little tighter, your fingers pressing into his back. âalways.â
