#ensain

[ensain]

The Google AI when I search "what's wrong with me?" keeps telling me how to be a normal person but it's not working, I still feel like I'm only wearing a person instead of being one... and certainly not a normal one! Surely the next Google search will have answers...

[ensain]

Frumpy worn clothes on a bumpy road

Years spent synthesizing, shaping, and sculpting

Grumpy creature with a hated lumpy shape

Yearning to feel approachable, admirable, or even desirable

Yet all we see is sharp protruding bone

Or the soft lumps of misshapen flesh

If it looks like this, it must be oh so alone

A small weak creature shaped like Gilgamesh

It walks in his footsteps, divine boundaries its hubris

Unable to slide within another, unable to perform

Yet it cries when it recognizes that it is tubeless

Please Lord, please let me slough this corporeal form

[ensain]

Who am I if not a cherished broken mirror?

Unable to reflect the beauty others bring me

Distorted; collecting missing pieces from my fracture

Until I am reformed I am only a shiny wannabe

[ensain]

Some days I feel like an animal

Contentment always just out of grasp

Ravaged by a brain that's a cannibal

All it would take is a relapse

Stuck in a concrete mausoleum

I feel lost with my collection of maps

Given everything yet no freedom

All it would take is a relapse

It's been an arduous ride

And in a quick momentary lapse

Judgement fell wayside

And all it took was a relapse

[ensain]

never enough

yet always

too much

[ensain]

One hundred problems with no matching solutions

A dead friend where one once expected a lover

Stench of decay exuding from withered potential

The answer lies within her plastic mausoleum

[ensain]

I want to be able to freely embrace intimacy and vulnerability in an uncomplicated way. I want to not feel the desire to isolate and flee because everything feels unsafe, if not repulsive. I want to want.

I feel like I am stuck outside in a dark cold night. I feel like when I see those around me, I'm looking in the window of a warm home with a family gathering to share the ritual of food and company that they participate in each night. I feel like even though it's warm, it is a stranger's home and that the cold dark night is more of a home to me than that could ever be.

I feel alone blanketed by that cold dark night, but I want to feel the warm lit home nourishing my being. I feel like a stranger, but I want to be known without being an expense to others.

[ensain]

whyyy