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Such is life! Behold, a new Post published on Greater And Grander about Roger Ebert's Glossary of Movie Terms

See into my soul, as a new Post has been published on http://greaterandgrander.com/roger-eberts-glossary-of-movie-terms

Roger Ebert's Glossary of Movie Terms

This article was originally part of the Insider Cinema guide to Hollywood, a website from the mid-2000s. We are reposting it here as both a writing sample and a guide for those seeking to get their foot in the door in Hollywood.

Ali MacGraw's Disease

Movie illness in which the only symptom is that the sufferer grows more beautiful as death approaches.

Antiheroine Skin Rule

In a Horny Teenager Movie, the "bad girl" who is the object of the hero's desire will always expose more flesh than the girl whom he ends up with at the end of the film, despite the equal sexual activity. If the "good girl" is shown topless in a love scene, it must be accompanied by slow music. In a Dead Teenager Movie, the girl who exposes the least skin is inevitably the only survivor.

Ark Movie

Dependable genre in which a mixed bag of characters is trapped on a colorful mode of transportation. Examples: AIRPORT (airplane), THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE (ocean liner), MAROONED (space satellite), THE CASSANDRA CROSSING (train), ALIENS (outer space), THE HINDENBURG (dirigible), THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE (subway train), ABYSS (undersea station), and of course the best of them all, STAGECOACH.

Auto Audio Rule

The sound a vehicle makes in a movie chase scene will in no way correspond to any sound made by the same vehicle in real life (i.e., tires squealing on dirt or around corners at low speed, etc.).

Automatically Arriving Automobiles

Whenever cars in a chase go through a four-way junction, unrelated cars must appear from each direction and skid into the center. These cars may either stop unharmed or crash into each other in the center, upon which all the drivers will get out and shake fists at each other. No cars actually involved in the chase are ever involved in the crash.

Back Seat Inviso-Syndrome

Film characters are invariably unable to see a person crouched in the back seat of a car (even a convertible) when, in the real world, it is an impossible place for a person to hide.

Bad Smoker Rule

In any cop movie made since the mid-'70s, the bad guys smoke, while the good guy is trying to quit.

Baked Potato People

The nice, good, sweet little people who form a chorus in the hero's background, especially during any movie set in a mental home (cf. THE DREAM TEAM, CRAZY PEOPLE). The lesson is always the same: It's the real world that's crazy, and the crazy people who speak the real truth. (Inspired by a sign seen on a baked potato in a steak house: "I've been tubbed, I've been robbed, I've been scrubbed. I'm lovable, huggable, and eatable!")

Balloon Rule

Good movies rarely contain a hot-air balloon. Most egregious recent use of a hot-air balloon: MEN DON'T LEAVE, where the heroine is cured of clinical depression by a ride in one. (Readers keep writing in with exceptions to this rule, including WITNESS, but the general principle still applies.)

Barroom Bum Slide

Most bar fights in the movies end with the loser being pushed so hard he slides halfway down the bar. In real life, this is impossible.

Because They Are There

The top ten lines you can always count on in a mountain-climbing movie: 1. "We have to move fast. We've started late in the season. But if we leave behind the oxygen and most of our equipment and travel light, we can get up there and back before the winter storms." 2. "I know they're still alive." 3. "Leave me here. I can't walk. My legs are broken. By yourself, you have a chance." 4. "Just let me do this one last climb. Then I'll settle down with you and the baby." 5. "Tell them they'll get an extra 50 rupees a day, in the end, if they complete this part of the march." 6. "Sahib! The fresh snow has covered up the crevices! The men say they will go no further today!" 7. "Every previous expedition along this route has had trouble with the porters." 8. "I'd trust him on the other end of my rope." 9. "Take me along. You know I'm a better climber than those guys." 10. "Because it's there."

Beginning, The

Word used in the titles of sequels to movies in which everyone was killed at the end of the original movie, making an ordinary sequel impossible. Explains to knowledgeable filmgoers that the movie will concern, for example, what happened in the AMITYVILLE house before the Lutzes moved in. Other examples: The First Chapter, The Early Days, etc.

Best Play of the Game Rule

Every bad sports movie ends with the hero making an extraordinary catch/play/hit in slow motion to win the game at the final gun/bell/buzzer.

Big Lie, The

Refers to all scenes where the bad guy paints a beautiful picture and then adds a version of, "One more thing, Benny. I lied."

Big Nod, The

Comes after the Last Word. After a character is fatally wounded, first he lies motionless and recites an incredibly meaningful statement. Then his head nods to one side. 

Body Switch Movie

The brain of one character somehow finds itself in the body of another. Requires actors to confront an actor's nightmare, i.e., acting as if they were another actor.

Box Rule

Beware movies advertised with a row of little boxes across the bottom, each one showing the face of a different international star and the name of a character (i.e., "Curt Jurgens as the Commandant"). Example: Most films are made from Agatha Christie novels.

Brotman's Law

"If nothing has happened by the end of the first reel, nothing is going to happen."

Buddy-Brother Road Film

Three-way combo of buddy movie, road movie, and brothers who learn to love each other. E.g. COUPE DE VILLE, RAIN MAN, THE WIZARD. 

Bullitt Shift

Cars in high-speed chases can shift through more gears than they have. Cf. BULLITT, where Steve McQueen's car upshifts more than 16 times.

Camel, Slow-Moving

All camels in Middle Eastern thrillers are crossing the road for the sole purpose of slowing down a pursuit vehicle.

Caring Blanket Tuck-In

Effective in conveying the soft heart of an otherwise unappealing character. Cf. James Woods in COP. Also used in scenes involving the hero, usually as a set-up for a scene in which tucked-in child suddenly finds himself/herself in great danger. Cf. Glenn Ford in THE BIG HEAT.

Chase-and-Crash Scenes

Replaces the third act or any other form of plot resolution in the modern thriller. After the hero has left dozens of burning cars and trucks behind him, we never see emergency vehicles responding to the carnage. Despite working under a Wrong-Headed Commanding Officer, q.v., the hero cop is never called on the carpet because yesterday he drove his squad car through the walls of several warehouses.

Cinematic Business Pathology Syndrome (CBPS)

The affliction that causes sociopathic or criminal behavior by officers of a corporation. The malady is characterized by several symptoms. Look for: (1) Company located in a run-down building with a shiny new sign; (2) Headquarters is a coldly contemporary building on a corporate campus devoid of people; (3) Company sign is plain, rectangular, and flat, with unimaginative artwork; (4) Company name includes words like "amalgamated," "consolidated," "-dyne," "-Tron," or "chem;" (5) Company name includes word "enterprises" following the name of a man who is bald, is fat, or smokes a cigar; (6) Company premises are dilapidated while the company's owner rides in a chauffeured limo.

Classic Car Rule

Whenever a beautiful classic car—usually the prized possession of an unsympathetic father—is introduced at the beginning of a film, that car will be wrecked by the end of it. (See RISKY BUSINESS, FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF, COUPE DE VILLE, etc.)

CLIDVIC (Climb from Despair to Victory)

The formula for ROCKY and all the ROCKY rip-offs. It Breaks the plot into three parts: (1) Defeat and despair; (2) Rigorous training, usually shown in the form of would-be MTV videos; (3) Victory, preferably ending in freeze-frame of triumphant hero.

Climbing Villain

Villains being chased at the end of a movie inevitably disregard all common sense and begin climbing up something—a staircase, a church tower, a mountain—thereby trapping themselves at the top.

Cole Rule, The

No movie made since 1977 containing a character with the first name "Cole" has been any good. (Exception: DAYS OF THUNDER, which was good but not all that good.) 

Cooter Rule, The

When the young good-looking hero goes back to his boyhood farmhouse, he'll inevitably have a fight at the dinner table with an older, less attractive brother. The fight is usually about abandoning the farm and "Spitting on Daddy's memory" or the hero's annoying use of correct grammar. The hero storms out of the house and sits down on a fence in the backyard. He is followed by his sweet, long-suffering sister-in-law. She says, "Trap, you're gonna have to forgive Cooter/Hunter/Trip/Billy Bob. He loves you. He doesn't mean anything. It's just his way, is all."

Dead Teenager Movie

Generic term for any movie primarily concerned with killing teenagers, without regard for logic, plot, performance, humor, etc. Often imitated, never worse than in the FRIDAY THE 13TH sequels. Required complete loss of common sense on the part of the characters. Sample dialogue: "All of our friends have been found horribly mutilated. It is midnight and we are miles from help. Hey, let's take off our clothes, walk through the dark woods, and go skinny-dipping!" 

Deadly Change-of-Heart

When the cold heart of a villain softens and he turns into a good guy, the plot will quickly require him to be killed, usually after maudlin final words.

Del Close's Rule

Never share a foxhole with a character who carries a photo of his sweetheart.

Detour Rule

In any thriller, it is an absolute certainty that every road detour sign is a subterfuge to kidnap the occupants of a car. Cf. Camel, Slow-Moving, "Hay Wagon!," etc.

Dirt Equals Virtue

In technology movies, a small, dingy, cluttered little lab and eccentric personnel equal high principles; large, well-lighted facilities mask sinister motives.

Docudrama

TV term for the extended-length program which stars a disease or social problem and co-stars performers willing to give interviews on how they experienced personal growth through their dramatic contact with same.

Down Under Rule

No film set in Australia is allowed to use the word Australia in its title where "Down Under" is an acceptable alternative. For example, we don't get THE RESCUERS IN AUSTRALIA or QUIGLEY IN AUSTRALIA.

Engine Equalization Law

Movie phenomenon which allows a 100hp Escort to outrun a 300hp Corvette, or vice versa, and allows large, lumbering Cadillac stretch limousines filled with bad guys to keep up with heroes in exotic sports cars. 

Fallacy of Elaborate Death Techniques

Any method of attempting to kill someone in a movie that is more complicated than shooting, beating, strangling, etc. will inevitably fail. Cf. JAMES BOND'S many escapes.

Fallacy of the Predictable Tree

The logical error is committed every time the good guy is able to predict exactly what the bad guy is going to do. For example, in FIRST BLOOD, law enforcement officials are searching the woods for John Rambo. A cop pauses under a tree. Rambo drops on him. Question: Out of all the trees in the forest, how did Rambo know which one the guy would pause under?

Fallacy of the Talking Killer

The villain wants to kill the hero. He has him cornered at gunpoint. All he has to do is pull the trigger. But he always talks first. He explains the hero's mistakes to him. Jeers. Laughs. And gives the hero time to think his way out of the situation, or be rescued by his buddy. Cf. most JAMES BOND movies.

Falling Villain, The

At the end of virtually every action-adventure movie, the villain must fall from a great height onto a hard surface. If possible, the villain should crash backward through a plateglass window and land on an automobile.

Far-Off Rattle Movies

Movies in which the climactic scene is shot in a deserted warehouse, where far-off rattles punctuate the silence.

Feedback Rule

Every time anyone uses a microphone in a movie, it feeds back.

Fifty-five Gallon Drum Rule

Fifty-five-gallon drums are a culturally-rooted symbol of evil because they usually contain a substance with a long name that we can't identify. The more drums, the eviler.

First Law of Funny Names

No names are funny unless used by W.C. Fields or Groucho Marx. Funny names, in general, are a sign of desperation at the screenplay level. See "Dr. Hfuhruhurr" in THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS.

First Rule of Repetition of Names

When the same names are repeated in a movie more than four times a minute for more than three minutes in a row, the audience breaks out into sarcastic laughter, and some of the ruder members are likely to start shouting "Kirsty!" and "Tiffany!" at the screen. (Cf. HELLBOUND: HELLRAISER II.)

Five Minute Class, The

No scene showing a class in session ever lasts more than five minutes. Even the most stimulating session is invariably interrupted by the bell.

Floating Luggage

In every scene where actors carry luggage, the luggage is obviously empty. They attempt, with pained expressions on their faces, to pretend the bags are heavy, and yet they can flick them around like feathers.

"Food Fight!"

The dialogue which replaced "Westward ho!" as American movies ended the long frontier trek and began to look inward for sources of inspiration.

"Fruit Cart!"

An expletive used by knowledgeable film buffs during any chase scene involving a foreign or ethnic locale, reflecting their certainty that a fruit cart will be overturned during the chase, and an angry peddler will run into the middle of the street to shake his fist at the hero's departing vehicle. (Of all the definitions in the glossary, this has become the most popular. It has been gratifying to be part of an audience where people unknown to me have cried out "Fruit cart!" at appropriate moments. The movie SKI PATROL even contained a "Siskel and Ebert Fruit Cart.")

Generation Squeeze

The New Hollywood genre tries to bridge the generation gap by creating movies that will appeal to teenagers at the box office and to adults at the video rental counter. Typical plot device: An adult becomes a teenager, or vice versa (cf. LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON; HIDING OUT; PEGGY SUE GOT MARRIED; VICE VERSA; 18 AGAIN!; BIG). Also sometimes masquerades as a movie apparently about adults, but with young actors in the "adult" roles. Cf. NO MAN'S LAND, THE BIG TOWN.

Hand-in-Hand Rule

In many Hollywood action pictures, the woman characters are incapable of fleeing from danger unless dragged by a strong man, who takes the woman's hand and pulls her along meekly behind him. This convention is so strong it appears even in films where it makes no sense, such as SHEENA, in which a jungle-woman who has ruled the savage beasts since infancy is pulled along by a TV anchorman fresh off the plane.

"Hay Wagon!" 

A rural version of "Fruit cart!" (q.v.). At the beginning of chase scenes through colorful ethnic locales, knowledgeable film buffs anticipate the inevitable scene in which the speeding sports car will get stuck on a narrow country lane behind a wagon overloaded with hay.

Hey! Cody! Rule

The bad guy has dropped on the good guy. Can pull the trigger and kill him. Inevitably shouts "Hey! Cody!" (fill in name of the good guy), after which good guy whirls, sees him, and shoots him first.

Hollywood Car

Looks like a normal automobile, but backfires after being purchased from used car lot by a movie heroine who is starting out again in life and is on her own this time.

Hollywood Cop Car

Driven by the slovenly member of the team in all police versions of the Opposites in Collision plot (q.v.) Always unspeakably filthy, dented, rusty, and containing all of the cop's possessions in the back seat, as well as several weeks' worth of fast-food wrappers. Usually, but not necessarily, some kind of distinctive make or model (Gremlin, old Ford woody wagon, beat-up Caddy convertible, 4x4 van, etc.).

Hollywood Grocery Bags

Whenever a scared, cynical woman who never wants to fall in love again is pursued by an ardent suitor who wants to tear her wall of loneliness, she will go grocery shopping. The bags will always break to (1) symbolize the mess her life is in, or (2) so that the suitor can help her pick up the pieces of her life and her oranges.

Hollywood Hospital

Where people go to die. The victim checks in doesn't check out, because screen time is too valuable for characters to go into the hospital only to recover a few scenes later. Dialogue clue: When any seemingly able-bodied character uses the word "doctor," especially in a telephone conversation not intended to be overheard, he/she will be dead before the end of the film.

Horny Teenager Movie

Any film primarily concerned with teenage sexual hunger, usually male. Replaced, to a degree, by Dead Teenager Movies (q.v.), but always popular with middle-aged movie executives, who like to explain to their seventeen-year-old starlets why the logic of the dramatic situation and the teachings of Strasberg require them to remove their brassieres. Cf. BLAME IT ON RIO, SHE'S OUT OF CONTROL.

Idiot Plot

Any plot containing problems would be solved instantly if all of the characters were not idiots. 

Impregnable Fortress Impregnated

The indispensable scene in all JAMES BOND movies and many other action pictures, especially war films. The IFI sequence begins early in the picture, with long shots of a faraway fortress and Wagnerian music on the soundtrack. Eventually, the hero gains entry to the fortress, which is inevitably manned by technological clones in designer uniforms. The sequence ends with the destruction of the fortress, as clones futilely attempt to save their marvelous machines. See THE GUNS OF NAVARONE, etc.

Inevitable Sister

In any movie where the heroine catches her boyfriend dancing in public with another woman and makes a big scene, the other woman invariably turns out to be the boyfriend's sister. Cf. MYSTIC PIZZA, etc. 

Intelligence

In most movies, "all that separates us from the apes." In SHEENA, Queen of the Jungle, what we have in common with them. 

Invisible Protective Shield

Protects characters during fight scenes. They get hit by fists, chairs, bottles, etc., and thrown through walls, doors, glass, but wear only a small bandage in the next scene, and later have no marks, although they should be black and blue for the rest of the movie.

Joel Silver Rule

All women in action-adventure flicks are extraneous to the plot unless naked or dead. 

Kinetic Energy Amplification Phenomenon

In scenes involving gunplay, the kinetic energy of the bullets will be enormously amplified as they strike the victim, enabling him to be hurled great distances and through objects. This phenomenon is particularly common around windows and balconies, especially in high-rise buildings.

Kinetic Energy Distortion Phenomenon

When someone is shot while standing near a window, balcony or ledge, the kinetic energy will always be distorted so as to throw him outward, regardless of the direction the bullets came from. This enables victims to be hurled out a window and into a spectacular plunge even if the shots came from outside to begin with.

Kookalouris

Name for a large sheet of cardboard or plywood with holes in it, which is moved back and forth in front of a light to illuminate a character's face with moving light patterns. Popular in the 1930s; back in style again with the movies of Steven Spielberg, who uses a kookalouris with underlighting to show faces that seem to be illuminated by reflections from pots of gold, buckets of diamonds, pools of fire, pirate maps, and radioactive kidneys.

Land Boom Rule

In any movie where there is a cocktail party featuring a chart, map, or model of new real estate development, a wealthy property developer will be found dead inside an expensive automobile.

Law of Canine/Feline Superperception

Household pets can unerringly detect and react to the presence of ghosts, aliens, or other nonhuman entities. Their warnings are invariably ignored.

Law of Economy of Characters

Movie budgets make it impossible for any film to contain unnecessary characters. Therefore, all characters in a movie are necessary to the story—even those who do not seem to be. Sophisticated viewers can use this Law to deduce the identity of a person being kept secret by the movie's plot: This "mystery" person is always the only character in the movie who seems otherwise extraneous. Cf. the friendly neighbor in THE WOMAN IN WHITE. (See also Unmotivated Closeup)

Law of Inevitable Immersion

Whenever characters are near a body of water, the chances are great that one of them will jump, fall, or be pushed into it. If this does occur, it is inevitable that the other character(s) will also jump, fall, or be pushed in. See SULLIVAN'S TRAVELS (swimming pool), LA DOLCE VITA (Roman fountain), TOM JONES (pond), A ROOM WITH A VIEW (rural stream), SUMMERTIME (Grand Canal), etc.

Law of Movie Brand Loyalty

Thanks to product placement, all characters in a movie, no matter how heterogeneous or geographically dispersed, drink one brand of beer, use one brand of sporting equipment, drive cars produced by one company, etc.

Law of Take-out Chinese Food

Take-out Chinese food is eaten in one of only two situations: Communally by a large, multi-ethnic group enthusiastically working on a common project (REVERSAL OF FORTUNE), or in bed by two post-coital lovers (ANNIE HALL). In the former case, the meal predicts success; in the latter, that the couple will break up. 

Law of Video Box Caricature, The

If you're trying to pick out a video and the actors on the box are cartooned caricatures that are not recognizable, pick another movie.

"Lawyer With One Case" Scenario, The

In nearly all legal dramas, the lawyers involved have only one case—the case that the movie is about. They are never distracted by other cases, clients or causes.

Lenny Rule

Named for the gentle giant in Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men, this rule dictates that if a film character is of less than normal intelligence or ability, he or she will inadvertently get into serious trouble during the film. 

Long-haired Woman Seen from Behind

When approached by the hero, inevitably turns out to be a man.

Ma Bell Rule

Whenever a telephone is seen in a movie, the telephone will eventually ring. 

Mad Slasher Movies

Movies starring a mad-dog killer who runs amok, slashing all of the other characters. The killer is frequently masked (as in HALLOWEEN and FRIDAY THE 13TH), not because a serious actor would be ashamed to be seen in the role, but because then no actor at all is required; the only skills necessary are the ability to wear a mask and wield a machete.

Marathon Hero, The

A heroin pursuit of a purse-snatcher or getaway car can run for many blocks, even up the hills of San Francisco, without getting winded.

Mid-Wife Crisis

Any character whose wife and/or kids are introduced more than an hour into the movie and who hugs and kisses any or all of them will be dead within the next 20 minutes. e.g., "Goose" in TOP GUN.

Miracle of Available Parking Space

When a character needs a parking space, even on the busiest streets in the busiest cities, one is quickly found. For example, in LOST IN AMERICA, Albert Brooks finds space for a Winnebago directly in front of an office building at midday in New York City. Corollary: When a character needs to pull into traffic, there is always a break.

Mirror Gimmick

Tired old cinematographic trick in which we think we are seeing a character, but then the camera pans and we realize we were only looking in a mirror.

Murphy's Law

In movies made before 1985, any character named "Murphy" was a cop, a priest, a drunk, a tough guy, or all of the above. MURPHY'S ROMANCE was the first to break with this rule. Prior to TV's Murphy Brown, all Murphys were male. Any character named Murphy will sooner or later be shown in a saloon or drinking heavily.

Myopia Rule

Little girls who wear glasses in the movies always tell the truth. Little boys who wear glasses in the movies always lie.

Mysterious Object Antecedents Myth

Whenever a movie involves time travel, there will always be an object that travels between the past and future without ever having actually come from anywhere. For example: at the beginning of SOMEWHERE IN TIME, an old Jane Seymour gives the young Christopher Reeve a pocket watch. He travels back in time to find her, taking the watch with him, and accidentally leaves it there. She keeps it, grows old, and—voilà—the cycle repeats itself. But where did the pocket watch come from in the first place?

The myth of the Seemingly Ordinary Day

The day begins like any other, with a man getting up, having breakfast, reading the paper, leaving the house, etc. His activities are so uneventful they are boring. That is the tip-off. No genuine ordinary day can be allowed to be boring in a movie. Only seemingly ordinary days—which inevitably lead up to a shocking scene of violence, which punctuates the seeming ordinariness.

Nah Reflex

The character sees someone but can't believe his eyes, so shakes his head and says "Nah." Inevitably it is the person it couldn't be. 

Near Miss Kiss

The hero and heroine are about to kiss. Their lips are a quarter of an inch apart—but then they're interrupted.

Newton's Laws Repealed

In which action becomes mysteriously decoupled from the reaction, usually in connection with a firearm. Typically, a bullet from the hero's handgun lifts the villain off his feet and hurls him backward (often through one of those ubiquitous plate glass windows that cars like to drive through) while the hero doesn't budge a millimeter. (Action equals reaction, right? The hero should be hurled backward with equal force.)

Noble Savage Syndrome

Thrown into the company of a native tribe of any description, the protagonist discovers the true meaning of life and sees through the sham of modern civilization. Wisdom and sensitivity are inevitably possessed by any race, class, age group, or ethnic or religious minority that has been misunderstood. Such movies seem well-intentioned at first glance, but replace one stereotype for another; the natives seem noble, but never real. They may be starving, but if they're noble and have a few good songs, why worry?

Odd Couple Formula

Seemingly incompatible characters are linked to each other in a plot that depends on their differences for its comic and dramatic interest. Cf. TANGO & CASH, HOMER, AND EDDIE, LETHAL WEAPON, LOOSE CANNONS. Essential that one member of each team be a slob, as revealed by the presence of fast-food wrappers in the back seat of his Hollywood Cop Car (q.v.). 

Odds on Edge Rule

The odds that a car in real life will be able to travel any appreciable distance balanced on two wheels: 1 in 7 million. The odds that this will happen during a chase scene in a movie: 1 in 43. 

One-at-a-time Attack Rule

In any situation where the hero is alone, surrounded by dozens of bad guys, they will always obligingly attack one at a time. (See any Schwarzenegger movie.)

Pass Bypass Principle

Any theater that accepts passes will invariably exclude their use for any movie worth seeing.

Pops Principle, The

In movies with teenage characters, there is usually a character named Pops who runs the local hang-out or dance club.

Principle of Evil Marksmanship

The bad guys are always lousy shots in the movies. Three villains with Uzzis will go after the hero, spraying thousands of rounds that miss him, after which he picks them off with a handgun.

Principle of Pedestrian Pathology

Whenever a character on foot is being pursued by one in a car, the pedestrian inevitably makes the mistake of running down the middle of the street, instead of ducking down a narrow alley, into a building, behind a telephone pole, etc. All that saves such pedestrians is the fact that in such scenes the character on foot can always outrun the car.

Principle of Selective Lethality

The lethality of a weapon varies, depending on the situation. A single arrow will drop a stampeding bison in its tracks, but it takes five or six to kill an important character. A single bullet will always kill an extra on the spot, but it takes dozens to bring down the hero.

Quick Recovery Syndrome

Any person critical to the movie's sequel (such as the hero's buddy) can be on the edge of death throughout the film, but by the end of the movie recovers fully. See BEVERLY HILLS COP II, where Ronny Cox is shot in the heart at point-blank range but is ready to leave the hospital within 72 hours, or LICENCE TO KILL, where Bond's newlywed buddy loses the lower half of his body to a shark but is joking at the film's end.

Rising Sidewalk

No female character in an action film can flee more than 50 feet before falling flat on her face. Someone then has to go back and help her up, while the monster/villain/enemy gains ground.

Rock Candy Postulate

No hero is ever cut by the glass while leaping through windows.

Rule of Chronic Tunnel Vision

In a horror movie, the character being stalked has vision limited to the camera's field of view. Therefore, anyone coming at any angle not directly ahead will invariably scare the living daylights out of him or her. 

Seeing-Eye Man

The function is performed by most men in Hollywood feature films. Involves a series of shots in which (1) the man sees something, (2) he points it out to the woman, (3) she then sees it too, often nodding in agreement, gratitude, amusement, or relief. 

Semi-Obligatory Lyrical Interlude (Semi-OLI)

The scene in which soft focus and slow motion are used while a would-be hit song is performed on the soundtrack and the lovers run through a pastoral setting. Common from the mid-1960s to the mid-1970s; replaced in 1980s with the Semi-Obligatory Music Video (q.v.).

Semi-Obligatory Music Video

The three-minute sequence within an otherwise ordinary narrative structure, in which a song is played at top volume while movie characters experience spasms of hyperkinetic behavior and stick their faces into the camera lens. If a band is seen, the Semi-OMV is inevitably distinguished by the director's inability to find a fresh cinematic approach to the challenge of filming a slack-jawed drummer.

Sequel

A filmed deal.

Seven-Minute Rule

In the age of the seven-minute attention span (inspired by the average length between TV commercials), action movies aimed at teenagers are constructed out of several seven-minute segments. At the end of each segment, another teenager is dead. When all the teenagers are dead (or, if you arrived in the middle, when the same dead teenager turns up twice), the movie is over.

Sex-Specific Disintegrating Outfit

When the male and female characters in a trashy action movie go to hell and back, only the woman's clothing begins to disintegrate.

Short-Time Syndrome

Applies to prison, war, or police movies, where the hero only has a few more days until he is free, his tour is over, or he can retire with a full pension. Whenever such a character makes the mistake of mentioning his remaining time ("Three days and I'm outta here!") he will die before the end of that time.

Sorry I Thought You Were Someone Else Rule

Whenever the hero wanders the city streets bemoaning his lost love and sees a woman in the distance (usually from the rear) who looks exactly like his beloved, he will inevitably run up to her only to find a total stranger who will look at him as if he's demented.

Stanton-Walsh Rule

No movie featuring either Harry Dean Stanton or M. Emmet Walsh in a supporting role can be altogether bad. An exception was CHATTAHOOCHEE (1990), starring Walsh. Stanton's record is still intact.

Still Out There Somewhere

The obligatory phrase in Dead Teenager and Mad Slasher Movies, where it is triggered by the words, "The body was never found. They say he/she is..."

"Stranger in a Strange Land" Principle

When a star of a movie shows up in a new town, that person will be famous in that town by the end of the movie.

Sturgeon's Law

"90 percent of everything is crap." (First formulated in the 1950s by the science fiction author Theodore Sturgeon; quoted here because it so manifestly applies to motion pictures.)

Technopyromania

An affliction that compels filmmakers and special effects people to depict the malfunction of computers as being accompanied by smoke, flames, showers of pyrotechnic sparks, frenzied flashing lights, and wildly spinning tape drives spewing tape into the air.

Thanks, But No Thanks

When two people have just had a heart-to-heart conversation, as person A starts to leave the room, person B says (tentatively) "Bob?" A pause, turns, and says "Yes?" B says, "Thanks."

Third Hand

Invisible appendage used by Rambo in RAMBO, in the scene where he hides from the enemy by completely plastering himself inside a mud bank. Since it is impossible to cover yourself with mud without at least one hand free to do the job, Rambo must have had a third, invisible, hand. This explains a lot about the movie.

Tic Reversi

A nervous disorder that causes an actor to repeatedly pick up and put down an item upon each cut between reverse shots in a scene.

Tijuana

In modern Horny Teenager Movies, performs the same symbolic function as California did for the Beatniks, Marakeesh did for the hippies, and Paris did for the Lost Generation.

Tuco's Advice

Named for the character played by Eli Wallach in THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY. It comes in the scene where Tuco is taking a bath, and a guy bursts into the room, promising Tuco how he plans to have his revenge, only to have Tuco kill him. Tuco then advises the corpse, "If you have to shoot, shoot don't talk." See also Talking Killer, The.

Turning a Deaf Ear

Movie heroes squeeze off hundreds of rounds of ammo but suffer no hearing loss. For example, RAMBO II, where Rambo enters a metal warehouse and runs an entire belt of ammo through his M-60 machine gun. Afterward, he carries on a whispered conversation with the evil CIA man in another room. 

Turtle Effect

Once a character is knocked down, they just lie there as if unable to get up. Cf. Sigourney Weaver in ALIEN.

Undead Dead

In horror movies, whenever the killer is killed, he is never dead. This rule is as old as the movies but was given its modern shape in HALLOWEEN (1978) when the killer arose from apparent destruction to jump up behind Jamie Lee Curtis. Since then, all of the Dead Teen-ager Movies, most of the BOND pictures, and many other thrillers have used a false climax, in which the villain is killed—only to spring up for a final threat. In an ordinary thriller, the cliché of the Undead Dead is part of the game—but its use in FATAL ATTRACTION was unforgivable.

Unmotivated Close-up

A character is given a close-up in a scene where there seems to be no reason for it. This is an infallible tip-off that this character is more significant than at first appears, and is most likely the killer. See the lingering close-up of the undercover KGB agent near the beginning of THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER.

Unsilenced Revolver

Despite dozens of movies that think otherwise, a revolver cannot be silenced, because the sound escapes, not from the barrel where they fit the silencer, but from the gap between the frame and the cylinder. Only closed-breech weapons, like pistols with magazines in the grip, can be silenced—unless you wrap them in a pillow.

Vinny Rule

In every movie with Italian-American characters, one must be named Vinny

"Wait Right Here" Scenario

The scene in a movie where one character, almost always a male character, tells another character, almost always a woman, "Now, you just wait right here in the car. Whatever you do, DO NOT follow me into that warehouse." Inevitably, the dumb and helpless woman goes into the warehouse, is captured by the villain, and rescued by the hero.

We're Alive! Let's Kiss! 

The inevitable conclusion to any scene in which hero and heroine take cover from gunfire by diving side-by-side into a ditch, and find themselves in each other's arms, usually for the first time. Cf. HIGH ROAD TO CHINA.

Weak-Ankled Female Syndrome, The

Whenever a man and woman are on the run, the woman inevitably falls and sprains her ankle. As a result, the man must drag or carry her and their progress is slowed, stalled, or halted.

Wedding Cake Rule

In any movie comedy involving a wedding, the cake will be destroyed.

Wet

In Hollywood story conferences, suggested alternative to nude, as in: "If she won't take off her clothes, can we get her down?" Suggested by Harry Cohn's remark about swimming star Esther Williams: "Dry, she ain't much. Wet, she's a star." 

Wet Road Rule

Any road seen in a film, no matter how hot or dry the day has been, will be wet, slick, and reflecting headlights after nightfall. This is most commonly seen in deserts and drought-stricken cities like Los Angeles.

Wrong-Headed Commanding Officer

In modern police movies, the commanding officer exists solely for the purpose of taking the hero off the case, calling him on the carpet, issuing dire warnings, asking him to hand over his badge and gun, etc. Cf. the DIRTY HARRY series, BLUE STEEL, etc.

Wunza Movie

Any film using a plot which can be summarized by saying "One's a..." For example, "One's a cop. One's an actor." Or "One's a saint. One's a sinner."

X-Ray Driver

In many thrillers, the hero crashes his car or truck through the window or wall of a building at the precise time and place to allow him to rescue a victim or kill the bad guys. How can he see through the walls to know exactly where his car will emerge? Why doesn't he ever drive into a load-bearing beam? 

Youngblood Rule

No movie with a hero named "Youngblood" has ever been any good. Cf. YOUNGBLOOD HAWKE, YOUNGBLOOD, etc.

Z

Pronounced "zed" in British movies, something most American audiences do not know.

Do you have your own thoughts? Let us know in the comments!

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Such is life! Behold, a new Post published on Greater And Grander about Tips for Comic-Con

See into my soul, as a new Post has been published on https://greaterandgrander.com/tips-for-comic-con

Tips for Comic-Con

This article was originally part of the Insider Cinema guide to Hollywood, a website from the mid-2000s. We are reposting it here as both a writing sample and a guide for those seeking to get their foot in the door in Hollywood.

Comic-Con is unlike any other event.  It’s a trade show, it’s a fan gathering, it’s a launching pad for new projects, it’s a press junket, it’s an autograph ring, it’s an artist’s showcase, it’s a job fair, it’s even a film festival.  At comic con, there’s something for everyone, and this means you can utilize this massive 4 and a half-day event for your maximum benefit.

Get your passes early - Whatever kind of passes you want to get, get them early.  Comic Con sells out fast, so try and land your passes in March.

Stay With a Friend - In order to minimize costs, find a friend who lives in San Diego (preferably near a trolley station) and ask if you can crash on their couch during comic con.  Be a polite guest, and buy your own food.  This also allows you to offer a couple of people you meet at Comic Con to come back to your friend’s place for a party.

Use Public Transit - San Diego has a thorough (though confusing) public transit system.  The San Diego trolley has several lines that run across the city and county, and allow you to get off right at the convention center’s doorstep.  You can buy a 4 day pass for $15, but be sure to check the times on the various days, since they differ greatly.  Wednesday and Thursday stop running much earlier than the weekend lines.  Also, the city will extend some lines to go all the way to the convention center on comic con weekend.  It’s very confusing, but worth the $15 to save on parking and gas money.

Be prepared to work on someone else’s schedule.  The trolleys run at odd hours so be prepared to arrive late, and leave early if need be.

Arrive Early - Parking fills up fast (both near the convention centers and at the distant trolley stations) - if you are going on Friday or Saturday and you are planning to park your car - try to get there by 7:30AM - park and go eat breakfast and then get in line to get in - doors open at 10AM - but you will be allowed to go upstairs in the Sails Area at 9AM where you can use the restrooms and check out the Freebie Table. This will also give you time to check out the schedule to see what you would want to do for the day.

Get a Program - When you check in and get your badge make sure you receive a program schedule.  This will help you strategize where you want to go.

Research - Do some pre-research about what’s going to be big in Your field.  Focus on panels and launches that your type of professionals are going to be at.  Don’t waste your time with the Twilight panel.       

Go For Comfort - Wear Comfortable shoes and clothing - you will be doing a lot of walking and standing.

If you’re there for business, dress professionally - Too often people go to Comic Con to pitch themselves, and they go dressed in a T-shirt and jeans, or they go dressed as a Zombie.  Comic Con offers a great opportunity to approach real industry professionals about your work, in an environment where they are less guarded and open to new opportunities.  Don’t sabotage yourself by looking like a slob.  Dress in a nice shirt (button downed and/or ironed), look professional, and groom yourself well.  The people you’re pitching yourself to want to see that you’re responsible, reliable, and can represent yourself well.  

Don’t be antisocial - The biggest hindrance to someone trying to promote themselves at Comic Con is their own shyness.  You can’t look at the floor and sit in the corner the entire time, or hope that someone with a million dollars will start a conversation with you.  You have to reach out and talk to everyone, and I mean EVERYONE.  Booth organizers, artists, and just regular old fans.  Smile.  Talk about what you’re doing.  Ask them what they’re doing.  This is a sardine can of people, and the socializing aspect will be exhausting for you, but it will be worth it.  There’s no telling where that diamond in the rough connection will be lying.  It could be that 50 year old wearing the “Superman Lives” shirt who actually owns a massive real estate empire.  It could be the girl dressed like Naruto who is actually the assistant to the VP of development at Fox.  Even on its face, it’s good to know an illustrator or two, and may come in handy in the future, and that fan boy in the Rocketeer outfit may turn out to be your biggest supporter once he discovers your website.  Be welcoming to others.

If you’re there for business, have something good to show - You can’t just go to Comic Con with nothing but your words.  You need something to prove that you’re worth someone’s time.  If you’re a writer, have a 4 page writing sample.  If you’re an illustrator, have a portfolio.  Have it professionally presented, and have it be the best work you can muster.

Have a web presence - As I’ve said in the seminars I’ve given, it’s always good to have a web page that acts as your anchor.  Ideally, you want to meet people, and then drive them to your website, which will have at least three times the amount of work on it as your portfolio.  No matter what form your web presence takes (a basic web display page, a blog, a primitive social networking site, or an elaborate flash site) it’s important to have it, and have a way of collecting your followers.  Have an e-mail list.  Have an RSS feed.  Have something to keep your followers involved in what you’re doing, and keep them excited about your work.

Have a lot of things to show -  Remember that Comic Con is for everybody.  It has fan boys and professionals, opinion makers and movie stars.  You can’t have something for everyone, but you can have the basics presented in a really cool light.  In order to keep track of what’s what, it’s also important to separate these by size.  It’s also important to note that most of these items should be hard paper stock rather than standard copy paper.  All these materials should have your name, phone number, e-mail, and web presence on them so you don’t have to hand someone 4 different things for them to know how to get a hold of you.  All of these should also be available as printed pdf’s on your website.

Business Card - The standard business card is always a good thing to have.  Have it include your name, phone number, e-mail, and web presence.  A graphic or picture on the side is also good, if it’s something that is memorable but not tacky.  Standard business card size is preferred, but a little creativity is always appreciated.  The more cards you have, the better, and you can get hundreds of them from Vista Print.

Quest Card - Recently Comic Con has been slandered as nothing more than a giant commercial, and the people who attend are thirsty for something that is pure and totally geeky.  There’s nothing better than a Comic Con Quest, which is basically a giant scavenger hunt.  There are several ways to organize a quest, but ideally, you want to have it be truly intellectually stimulating, elaborate, and have a cool prize at the end.  If you can tie the quest in with the narrative of a property you have, great, but don’t try and force it.  Your quest card is the kick off for your challenge, and should have only the details the participants need to know.  It should be memorable, and about 1 inch wide by 11 inches tall, so it stands out from the rest of the pack.

Bar Card - Have a card that shows who you are and your interests.  Similar to the Quest Card, this is for the fans who might be interested in finding out about you and your projects.  Your bar card is a list of panels or events you are attending (utilizing the herding method), or it could be similar to a 1-sheet, with quick posters/covers and synopses of the projects you’re working on.  There are variant sizes for bar cards, but go with something that’ll fit in a pocket, roughly 4” by 6”

Mini Work Sample (A Leave Behind) - This is for the professionals, as a work sample for them to take home and remember you by.  If you’re a writer, your Leave Behind should be a 4 page story.  If you’re an illustrator, it should be a mini-comic with a compelling story.  The key word here is story.  If you have a professional and intriguing story, it will be easier for the person you’re pitching to enjoy your work, and favor you.  You should have as many of these as possible, and also remember that while presentation is important, it’s not the only thing.  A few Xeroxed pages stapled together at Kinkos will go further than a glossy graphic novella if the story is better.

Large Work Sample - Some artists bring a graphic novel or other large scale sample to show off to potential employers, but keep in mind, while it can be handy to have one or two of these, no one will be interested in taking these home.  They are to show; maybe the professional will see an interesting page here or there, but that’s it.  In the unlikely event someone will request it, let them have the copy, and then run to Kinkos with the file on a thumb drive.

Know how to spot the big bosses - There are two types of people in charge at a booth: the obsessive administrators surrounded by hot booth babes; and the well dressed professionals sitting in the far background, texting on their phones while the booth is managed by unattractive interns.  If you can’t find either of these individuals, feel free to ask the attendant who is in charge, or who you would speak to about a portfolio sample.

BYO - Bring Your Own - Bring water and snacks with you - Suggestions: Small bottled water that you can refill from the drinking fountains, fruit and/or nuts, cookies. If you buy food on site - the best bargains are the Pizza Slices sold in the Mezzanine, the individual Pizzas sold in the exhibit hall, or the Greek Gyros sold by one of the carts - the prices are more than outside - but not too bad for these items - avoid the hamburgers and hot dogs.

Backpack It - Bring a small backpack for your snacks and freebies - also, a lot of the booths hand out carry-bags to put stuff in that you pick up for free or purchase.

Take a Break - If you get tired, there are tables to sit at, but the best place to take a break, if you can find a seat is up on the Mezzanine - there are a bank of windows that give you a panorama view of the entire convention floor - it is a great photo spot.

Strategize - The most important thing to make your time at Comic-Con enjoyable is to plan out a strategy on how to spend your day. Check out the program and mark what programs you really want to go to and an alternate in case you can't get in or don't want to wait in a long line. If you’re going on one day only - check the programs and find the booths you would be most interested in and check those out first, then check out the nearby booths for other fun stuff.

Can You Hear Me Now? - Take your cell phone and learn how to text message - this is the best way to communicate with others in your party if you get separated or want to do different things.  The cell phone reception in the heart of the convention center is not the best because of the massive amounts of concrete.  Also, there will be a massive amounts of nerds, so 3G response will also be decreased because of the high demand.

Take Cash - $5s and $10s are best.  Even if you don't think you will buy much - take some money to cover unexpected expenses - especially for parking or food - There are two Starbucks on site. There is an ATM on-site and many booths do take credit cards.

Keep Some Extra Room In The Car - You’ll need some extra room for all the swag bags (at least one extra bag per person, maybe more) so don’t cram your trunk to the brim for the trip going down.  Leave some breathing room for the ride back up... keep in mind, I’m writing this as I am sandwiched in the back seat of my friend’s 2002 Honda Civic, between two pieces of rolling luggage, 2 swag bags, 2 computer bags, a sports jacket, and 3 hats.

Do you have your own thoughts? Let us know in the comments!

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Such is life! Behold, a new Post published on Greater And Grander about AFM 2008

See into my soul, as a new Post has been published on http://greaterandgrander.com/afm-2008

AFM 2008

This article was originally part of the Insider Cinema guide to Hollywood, a website from the mid-2000s. We are reposting it here as both a writing sample and a guide for those seeking to get their foot in the door in Hollywood.

AFM stands for the American Film Market and is hosted every year at the Loews Hotel in Santa Monica, CA.  The entire hotel is rented out: every suite is occupied by a film company, and every square inch is occupied by someone who wants to make a deal.  It’s organized by the Independent Film and Television Alliance and allows independent filmmakers and distributors from around the world to come together in one place and do business.  It’s basically a giant trade show, like Comic-con but without the cool costumes.

Covering AFM as the press can be a paradoxical task: you’re given a pass that can go anywhere in the Market, and no one wants to talk to you.  As of press, you’re kind of the black sheep of the entertainment industry.  The only people that matter here are the buyers and the sellers, and if you’re not one of them, well then the good news is you can overhear bull shit spoken in over 70 languages.

As a member of the press, you immediately distinguish between who’s who.  When interacting with the companies that set up shop here, it’s an interesting experience.  The smaller companies pester you, asking who you are, and then when they realize you can’t help them, they usher you away.  The bigger companies aren’t as abrasive, they just look at your badge, and ignore you until you get the hint.  The sad thing is more and more civility goes out the window as economic times get tougher, and this is no exception.  With the crunching economy, many here have complained that the once steady stream of buyers is drying up, and now are only seeing sporadic deals taking place.

In fact, when I visited AFM last year, you could barely move through the packed halls.  Now, it’s a ghost town.

AFM is something everyone should check out at least once, but don’t expect to make a killer deal there.  Unless you have a finished film or own a distribution company, then there’s no real way for you to benefit from the experience.

Unlike most entertainment industry events, AFM is the only one I’ve seen that brings out everything there is about the entertainment industry. Not necessarily everything good, or everything bad, but simply everything.  There’s the beautiful struggling actress trying to network.  The flashy Texas businessman.  The washed-up producer trying to sneak in (literally) and make one last deal.  The sleazy mogul lauds the benefits of the independent film but makes his living on movies with plenty of T&A.  The hungry film students look around with wide-eyed amazement at the glamour that is AFM.

However, as the economy tightens, what will happen to this bustling metropolis of cinephiles?  Only time will tell. For more information on AFM, go to http://www.ifta-online.org/afm/home.asp

Do you have your own thoughts? Let us know in the comments!

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Such is life! Behold, a new Post published on Greater And Grander about A Changing Industry-A Producer’s Hollywood

See into my soul, as a new Post has been published on http://greaterandgrander.com/a-changing-industry-a-producers-hollywood

A Changing Industry-A Producer’s Hollywood

This article was originally part of the Insider Cinema guide to Hollywood, a website from the mid-2000s. We are reposting it here as both a writing sample and a guide for those seeking to get their foot in the door in Hollywood.

Every industry is constantly changing due to a number of different factors: advances in technology; changes in law; union and management alterations; international trade; etc. Hollywood is no different. People forget that the core word in show-business is Business. In this article, we are going to discuss the recent changes due to the past few years of terrible business Hollywood has done.

First, you must look at Hollywood from a Macro-Economic level (big picture), because no business exists in a vacuum. Hollywood’s recent troubles began not with the summer of 2006, but with the release of Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship of The Ring in 2001. As Hollywood executives are sometimes prone to do when a certain film does exceptionally well, its genre or subject matter will become “hot,” and every studio in town will try to produce at least one copycat. This occurred most recently with the musical craze following Moulin Rouge and Chicago, spawning films like From Justin To Kelly, Dreamgirls, Rent, Ray, and even several failed attempts at musicals like the remake of Bye, Bye, Birdie which is now in jeopardy. The dilemma with Lord Of The Rings is that it was labeled as an epic, but everyone forgets that it was done for only $87 million. However, that didn’t stop other studios and directors from green-lighting other epics with budgets as high as $150 million dollars each.

Often, many of these copycat films are unwatchable, and with good reason. The scripts are rushed in and out of development, sometimes by novice writers who don’t know what they’re doing, or some writers who are just untalented hacks. They attach directors who are famous but don’t care greatly about the subject matter, so the studios overcompensate the director with an exorbitant salary. Then when the studios are still on the fence about the film (because it’s a bad script, but they don’t know or care about fixing it), they try to attach as many major and expensive stars as possible. This creates a conundrum in Hollywood, one that I don’t believe exists in any other industry. If a film production starts to go awry because of any reason (poor acting, poor directing, poor on-set management, behind schedule, over budget, etc) the studio will often have a choice between canceling production entirely, having a hiatus, changing a key person of the cast or crew, or do nothing and hope you can fix it in post. Each has its own merits, and each has its own drawbacks.

Canceling Production Entirely

In many businesses, if a product is failing, or it looks like it’s going to fail, a company will cut its losses. While this is a waste of money with no result, it is still better than continuing ahead and wasting more money on mass production, marketing, shipment, and in some cases, returns and rejections of the product in the marketplace. Imagine if everyone who saw Matrix Revolutions got a refund simply because they didn’t like the movie. Even though film history is filled with bad movies that should have been canceled when they ran into trouble, studio executives rarely do this.

The main excuse is that they’ve already invested too much money into the production, and they think it would be better to release it and recoup the money with a big marketing campaign and push on DVD sales than lose what they’ve invested so far. Plus, films are planned on when they will be released, and the studios are always competing against one another. “But we can’t cancel Ninjas In Space, it’s our big fourth of July release.” Other reasons can be as varied as the films themselves.

The executives have an emotional attachment to the film.

Pressure from the Board of Directors.

The executive is a fan of the star.

The executive is a friend of the director or producer.

An executive may be new to the film industry, and their reputation may be on the line.

Or just plain ego.

Having a Hiatus (Tactical Fallback)

Many films have taken a hiatus and taken a week or more off to reevaluate the script, shooting style, and other aspects of the production to examine what’s going wrong. Unfortunately, it can sometimes be seen by superiors as a sign of weakness. Even if the product is substantially better because of the hiatus, superiors will still see those who made the decision as to the ones who held up production.

Another important consideration is your cast and crew. Will you pay them or will you let them dangle? This is a ‘you’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t’ scenario. If you pay them holding money, you’re wasting your budget and risking your career. If you don’t pay them, you may lose your cast and crew to other projects and may slow down the production’s flow once you start back up.

Changing a key person of the cast or crew

The first person to go when production is falling behind is the Assistant Director. The A.D. is in charge of running the set, so for practical matters such as budget and schedule problems, firing the A.D. is usually the most logical solution. However, what if the slowdown is due to one particular department such as lighting or production design? The A.D. is the first in the line of fire, so they can’t afford to go silent when they spot a problem. Sometimes a production is floundering because of legitimate reasons, like bizarre weather, an actor’s health problems, or poor locations. It’s up to a good executive to figure out what’s wrong.

According to some producers, you have until the middle of the second week to make a decision about this, otherwise, the production’s flow will significantly slow down, plus, crew loyalty builds up, and you could face a mutiny and walk out when the decision is made.

What if the person that needs to be replaced is the D.P.? That becomes complicated since most directors fall in love with their D.P.’s and can even be intimidated by them. If the D.P. needs to be changed, it should be done quickly and quietly, and a full case has to be presented to the director. Also, a full list of Gaffers, Electricians, Camera People, and Grips have to be on the ready, because the D.P. often brings on his own people to work as Gaffer, Key Grip, and Assistant Cameramen, and they have brought on their own team, so a decision like this could create a domino effect, and result in a loss of half your crew.

When it comes to actors and directors, replacing them can be much trickier. I am not encouraging this course of action, but sometimes it is necessary. Similar to a D.P. and their teams, the director-actor relationships can be crucial to a film. The loss of a popular director can result in a cast mutiny, or the cast may stay on, but the phone in their performances and take on passive-aggressive behavior with the new director. Perhaps you can find a director who has worked with the picture’s lead actor before, and their positive relationship will carry over to the rest of the film. Or you could replace an inexperienced director with a legend like Steven Spielberg, but few legends are willing to come into a film half-finished.

It’s also risky politically because if the film turns out bad, you’ll be the executive that fired Catherine Zeta-Jones in favor of Radha Mitchell.

It’s because of all these risks that most studio executives choose...

Do nothing and hope you can fix it in post

The annals of the film industry are filled with examples of poor productions that were fixed with a little editing. However, this course of action is largely based on one solid foundation, Luck.

I go into great detail about these practices to illustrate how things in Hollywood are done, and how they can be done. Now, I am not trashing Hollywood films, I think they produce the best films in the world. And I’m not saying the studio system is broken.

How best then to tighten the belts of Hollywood? Well, several methods are already being implemented.

Salary caps of $10 million for all actors.

Cut the number of movies made in half.

Cut development money by 75%.

Produce more ultra-high-concept or title-films such as 40 Year Old Virgin, Wedding Crashers, and Snakes On A Plane.

Cut the number of first look and exclusive deals studios make with producers, production companies, and actors.

But these changes are only cosmetic. There are two ways to fix the studio system as it stands now.

Spec Script Market

For a long time, the spec script market (or scripts that have been written before any promise of money has been offered) has always taken a back seat to screenplays based on novels (because they supposedly have a built-in audience), or writers who come in to pitch projects back and forth between executives, and either the writer will pitch an idea to the executive, or visa versa.

However, because of the reasons listed above, both need to be abandoned. Quite often, production companies will spend exorbitant amounts of money on buying the rights to books, and these won’t pan out into success at the box office. The pitch market also needs to be abandoned because the production companies are investing too much money in projects based on concepts, with little to no material to show for it. The production companies today need to invest in finished scripts that have solid, tangible stories to them, for the simple reason that they can’t afford to spend money on pitches anymore.

Vertical Integration

Since the Supreme Court ruled that Hollywood Studios could not own their own theatre chains in U.S. v. Paramount in 1948, studios have had to deal with national and regional distributors to release their movies. It’s because of these distributors that the demand rose for known Hollywood stars before a release date could be guaranteed.

Additional demands came from the distributors, such as genre and content requirements, leaning towards over-the-top comedies and cheesy action films, rather than touching and heartwarming dramas. If the distributors were given a film they didn’t like or believe in, they could sabotage it, displaying it at odd times, poor local marketing, or other activities, just making sure they broke even to cover their own expenses, while leaving the studio high and dry. This mentality has seeped into Hollywood, and standards have gradually lowered.

The truth is people want to see good movies, not necessarily dramas, but good movies. However, because of the middle-man scenario that has been set up with distributors, the standards have been forced lower. Because of this, audiences have become bitter over films and sought other forms of entertainment (night clubs, comedy clubs, video games, internet, video rental, etc.) and the entire industry has suffered because of it. The best way to reverse this is to allow studios to own their own theatre chains again.

If legislation is passed allowing studios to own their own theatre chains, they can make quality films, without having to worry about distributors making excessive demands of them, and degrading their overall body of work.

Do you have your own thoughts? Let us know in the comments!

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[ricardotomasz]

Such is life! Behold, a new Post published on Greater And Grander about Sundance, Day 6

See into my soul, as a new Post has been published on http://greaterandgrander.com/sundance-day-6

Sundance, Day 6

This article was originally part of the Insider Cinema guide to Hollywood, a website from the mid-2000s. We are reposting it here as both a writing sample and a guide for those seeking to get their foot in the door in Hollywood.

It is Saturday night, and as the festival winds down, awards are presented, backs are patted, and some heads are even hung in shame.

This year marked an interesting twist on the Hollywood mentality that stars bring in audiences when star-driven vehicles like What Just Happened? (Robert DeNiro), The Great Buck Howard (Collin Farrell), and Blind Date (Stanley Tucci) were met with lukewarm responses.

At the awards dinner, the winners were announced:

Frozen River won the grand jury prize for dramatic features.  Courtney Hunt’s remarkable and deeply emotional first feature is a realistic look at the world of human smuggling and the difficult choices facing poor, single mothers, and as Mark Boone Junior, one of the stars of the film said earlier in the week, “Because it was a fucking good script.” 

The Wackness won the audience award for dramatic features.  Starring Mary Kate Olsen and Ben Kingsley, it takes place during the sweltering summer of 1994, as Rudy Giuliani is scouring New York City within an inch of its life.  Hip-hop is permeating white youth culture, and a pot-dealing loser kid, Luke Shapiro, is trying to figure out how to solve his parents’ insolvency, beat depression, and get laid before pushing off to college.  He resolves his problems by trading weed with his therapist (Kingsley).

Trouble the Water won the grand jury prize for documentaries by asking the question, “How is it that Hurricane Katrina managed to revolutionize American attitudes about the environment, but somehow the very people most devastated by the storm have become refugees in their own country, and their experiences have been all but forgotten?”  

Fields of Fuel won the audience award for documentaries, which follows an expert young activist who, driven by his own emotionally charged motives, shuttles us on a revelatory, whirlwind journey to unravel the nation’s addiction to oil—from its historical origins to political constructs that support it, to alternatives available now and the steps we can take to change things.

King of Ping Pong won the grand jury prize for a dramatic feature in the World Cinema Competition and won the Sundance award for excellence in cinematography for an international dramatic feature for Askild Vik Edvardsen’s work.  Director, Jens Jonsson, renders this delicate story about a 16-year-old outcast who finds refuge in his ping pong expertise, and directs with finesse and quiet humor that infuses everyday drama, and even a few shocking moments of near calamity, with lightness and warmth.

Captain Abu Raed won the audience award for an international dramatic film.  The first independent film to come out of Jordan, Captain Abu Raed will be remembered for more than its historical significance. It is also a beautiful, life-affirming account of the power of storytelling and an ode to the ordinary people we meet along life’s path who change our destiny. 

Man on Wire won both the jury and the audience in the international documentary competition and follows a young Frenchman named Philippe Petit steps out on a wire suspended 1,350 feet above ground between the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. He dances on the wire with no safety net for almost an hour, crossing it eight times before he is arrested for what becomes known as “the artistic crime of the century.”

Lance Hammer’s Ballast won the directing prize for American films, and also won the Sundance award for excellence in cinematography for a U.S. dramatic feature, which went to Lol Crawley.  Ballast is one of those rare films that maximize the medium through an aesthetic of understatement.  In the cold, winter light of a rural Mississippi Delta township, a man’s suicide radically transforms three characters’ lives and throws off-balance what has long been a static arrangement among them.

Anna Melikyan’s Mermaid won the directing prize in world cinema.  Fusing myth, dream, and warped reality with the abundant invention, the film is an ingenious vision of dark enchantment. Mermaid marks the emergence of a marvelously gifted filmmaker and represents commercial art-house cinema at its very best. 

Nino Kirtadze's Durakovo: Village of Fools won the documentary directing prize, which takes a sobering look at a xenophobic teacher who recruits young people under the guise of right-wing nationalism. 

Alex Rivera and David Riker’s Sleep Dealer won the Waldo Salt Screenwriting Award for American films.  Memo Cruz is a young campesino who lives with his family in a town fighting for its life, the small, dusty farm village of Santa Ana del Rio, Oaxaca. A private company has hijacked control of the area’s water supply and is selling it back to the village at outrageous prices, provoking the mobilization of aqua-terrorist cells.

Samuel Benchetrit’s I Always Wanted to be a Gangster won for the best international screenplay, and at the center of Benchetrit’s charming existential comedy about wishful criminality are four stories and an unadorned roadside cafeteria, revitalizing the Stagecoach archetype for the 21st century.

Joe Bini’s Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired won for best documentary editing on the American.  It obviously paid off since the Weinstein Company and HBO Documentary purchased the distribution rights at the onset of the festival.   

Irena Dol’s The Art Star and the Sudanese Twins won for best international documentary editing; when Vanessa Beecroft, a modern art provocateur, decides to adopt orphaned Sudanese twins while incorporating them into her artwork, she sparks ethical and emotional fires from Sudan to New York.

Phillip Hunt and Steven Sebring won the Sundance award for excellence in cinematography for a U.S. documentary, for Patti Smith: Dream of Life.  It is a hypnotic plunge, a breathing collage of this legendary musician/poet/painter/activist’s philosophy and artistry that feels as if it sprang directly from her soul. A punk pioneer and spiritual child of Rimbaud, Blake, and Burroughs, Patti Smith’s fierce poetry and rock music shook up New York’s 1970s underground scene, and her work continues to be stirred organically by her rigorous mind, beloved artistic touchstones, and world events.

Al Massad won the Sundance award for excellence in cinematography in the world documentary category, for Recycle.  Taking place in Zarqa, Jordan’s second-largest city, with close to one million people, the city’s political Islamists are a powerful force, and it is the birthplace of Abu Musa al Zarqawi, the brutal leader of Al Qaeda in Mesopotamia, who was killed by American forces in 2005. Many in town knew al Zarqawi, many in his family remain, and Zarqa continues to be a source of new recruits to the jihadist cause.

A Spirit of Independence Award (which is a special jury prize) was voted to director Chusy Haney-Jardine for Anywhere, USA.   Told in three parts ("Penance," "Loss," and "Ignorance"), Chusy Haney-Jardine’s wildly original snapshot of du jour America is such an audacious, personal expression of vision that you occasionally feel as if it’s being projected directly from his brain.

Sam Rockwell, Anjelica Huston, Kelly Macdonald, and Brad Henke won a prize for work by an ensemble cast for Choke, which is based on the Chuck Palahniuk novel, and was acquired by Fox Searchlight earlier in the week.   

Lisa F. Jackson was given a special jury prize for directing the documentary The Greatest Silence: Rape in the Congo.  Jackson’s frank conversations with activists, doctors, peacekeepers, and the rapists themselves paint a sordid picture where rape is a key destabilizing method in a corrupt cycle involving illegal profiteering from coltan (the ore used in cell phones and laptops), which in turn funds militia groups. Compound this with ingrained beliefs in male superiority, and the fact that the sex-crimes police force is literally one woman, and you have the makings of a catastrophe.

Ernesto Contreras was also given a special jury prize for directing the international drama Blue Eyelids, which is set in a modern Mexican megalopolis, a world filled with pale shades of blue, the film showcases Contreras’s steady direction and Cecilia Suárez and Enrique Arreola’s wonderful performances, which lend quiet inertia to the film as they seek love and connectedness.

THE TALLY:   

Baghead

Sony Pictures Classics acquires North American rights for high six figures.

International rights are still available.

Ballast

Celluloid Dreams acquires international rights 

Domestic rights are still available, and pic is being repped by William Morris Independent

The Black List: Volume One

HBO acquires all rights 

Choke

Fox Searchlight acquires world rights, with exceptions to some national territories, for five million dollars

The Deal

Worldwide distribution rights controlled by Peace Arch Entertainment

Frozen River

Sony Pictures Classics acquired U.S. rights for mid-six figures

Foreign rights are still up for grabs

Hamlet 2

Focus Features acquires all rights for ten million dollars

Henry Poole Is Here

Overture Films has acquired all U.S. rights for three and a half million dollars

Kicking It

Acquired by ESPN

Polanski: Wanted and Desired

The Weinstein Company acquires all foreign rights for mid-six figures

HBO Documentary acquires all domestic U.S. rights

Up the Yangtze

Zeitgeist Films acquires all rights

ACCORDING TO RUMOR:

Phoebe in Wonderland 

Multiple buyers are interested and could develop into a bidding war.

Sleep Dealer

Multiple buyers courting the film, with IFC in the lead.

Sugar

From the directors of Half Nelson, it has several interested parties and may have a deal sewn up before the end of the weekend.  

Trailer Park of Terror

Multiple buyers interested.  

Stay up to date with InsiderCinema.com for all your Sundance info, and all your insights into the entertainment industry. 

Do you have your own thoughts? Let us know in the comments!

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