#entry 03

[overseer-martin-apologist]

i love you so much you are a kind and nice friend who is always good and soft to me and i love talking to you and you are a regularblessing in my life and i am so so glad to know you i love you

[sharpshooting-rose]

New Journal; Entry 03

Today, I found a small village nestled in the embrace of the valley. A river passed by my side as I rode through. The village was rather beautiful; every street was paved perfectly, every branch obsessively trimmed, every home immaculate. I met a man, just a few years past his prime, who had fallen and required help. Though he was well-groomed and opulently dressed and with a proper posture, he was weak and could only stand for a few minutes before needing to sit, and his cheeks were gaunt and pale. I inquired why he was in such a state; and he informed me that he lived in the most luxurious village in all the world, and for it he was one of the richest men to ever live; certainly more than his father, or his father's father, or his father's father's father, who lived in a small cabin with ratty clothes and a mere dirt road. For tonight, I took my leave, though he offered to show me around the village tomorrow.

I wonder why he was so anemic.

Until tomorrow.

[aidotweb]

“You used me” as if. begged you not to spend money on me, asked you for advice on something you knew more about than i did, let you thirst over me even though it made me uncomfortable. what exactly did i use you for? companionship? is that not what friends are??? i gave so much of myself to our friendship despite all of the terrible things you said to me and did to me, so how exactly did i use you?

[emptydreamstate]

Deep down he knew what laid on the other side of the door.

[magistralucis]

The squirrel squeaked a little as he found himself nose to nose with a brown bear, holding him by the scruff of his neck. The bear tilted his head to the side. "What are you doing on my tree?" he asked, more curious than annoyed. The squirrel scoffed: "I didn't see your name on it," he said defensively. The bear looked at the claw marks briefly before staring at the squirrel again, tilting his head to the side. The squirrel sagged a little. "I need shelter for winter," he said in a small voice.

.

[sea-polyp]

BLOG ENTRY 03

The Feeling Self

Fair warning: Word Vomit (>_<)

There is a term my friends and I like to use: Emotionally constipated. 

I have no problem broadcasting my positive emotions. I laugh with my whole body, I smile widely, I ramble enthusiastically, and am unashamed to share my latest obsessions. However with regards to my negative emotions, I often bottle it up.

The problem is that I know and acknowledge that bottling up emotions is an unhealthy coping mechanism and that there are several outlets we can use. It’s terrible to feel terrible when there’s nothing wrong. And when there is, I often blame myself whenever it happens. For 15 years I have been an only child and had trouble reaching out whenever I feel bad as I do not want to be a burden to my parents or friends. Being surrounded with friends in the same situation as I am, I did not want to share my problems with them. I try to keep smiling and keep the mood up.

In truth, I do not know how to decipher my negative emotions. I try to keep them locked away despite knowing it’s bad to do so. I could not remember when my downward spiral had started and how it happened. I have become accustomed to locking these negative feelings away that it seemed normal to feel sad out of nowhere or feel nothing at all.

“I’m not the only one feeling like this.”

“There are people with worse situations.”

“I have no right to feel this way.”

“You’re just incompetent. This is your own fault.”

Keeping these bottled up, it was surprising I didn’t explode, but the consequence is that it feels as if there became irreversible cracks in myself where all these negative feelings leaked out of. It felt horrible.

I’ve resorted to doing things that are completely unhealthy. I’ve been so deep in self-sabotage that it came to several points in my life where I question if it was worth it to continue living. I’ve made several plans to end my life: when I was 15, then 18, and now, 25. I thought, “Once I reach that age, it will all be over”

It’s difficult to drag myself out of the pit I’ve thrown myself in. It’s difficult most days to get out of bed, to feel as if the sparks of light in the darkness that is life is worth it. But in my 5 years of fighting and struggling, I at least have learned that it’s okay to reach out. I have trouble exercising it, but I try to utilize more healthy coping mechanisms. I have trouble seeing the light, but I try to be proud of the small moments I accomplish.

I’m proud to say I haven’t self-harmed in four months.

I’m proud to say I’m still going to my psychiatric sessions.

I’m proud to say I’ve been trying to actively voice out my problems.

And I’m proud to say, that despite struggling to see the light in the darkness, I’m still here. And I hope to stay.

[thethoughtsofcarlie-blog]

entry 03

So sleeping has been a major issue for me these past few days. I’ve seen five, six, sometimes even six-thirty in the morning. It’s not like I’m not tired, because I am. I’m exhausted in fact, but I continually choose to ignore my body’s signals and force myself to stay awake and conjure up all of these thoughts and situations I could potentially find myself in. It’s ridiculous and I’m worried about the harm i’m doing to myself and my health.

I know that sleep is important - I’m not an idiot. I also know that not getting enough sleep/not sleeping at the right time is really starting to affect my mental health. Every night, right around the same time, I slip into a depressed state and I can’t stop myself from crying. It’s happened every night for the last three nights and it’s embarrassing because I don’t have an exact thing to blame for what’s making me upset. It’s just all my thoughts and worries bunched into one big ball of anxiety in my brain that’s been keeping me up all hours of the night.

Tonight my boyfriend came over and we had a nice night. We went for a walk at a nature centre and trail nearby, went for a nice drive, got some dinner, and then watched movies in my room. Later on, he got a text from one of our friends from a work, a female co-worker, and I let my mind get the best of me. I think it had something to do with the fact that he seemed much more intrigued by that conversation than by my presence next to him and I started worrying about how boring I was and why he was even with me in the first place. He could tell I was starting to get upset about something, but I told him nothing was wrong (even though there always seems to be something wrong) 

I ended up crying again and he kept asking me what was wrong but I couldn’t really give him a straight answer. I just felt like crying and not talking about it. I just wanted to wallow in my own self-pity for awhile. I’m so frustrated with myself and my inability to keep my emotions under control. Why do i let everything get the best of me? Why do my emotions seem to be just all over the place? I feel so numb but at the same time, I’m so overcome by emotions that I have no idea what to do with myself IT’S SO FRUSTRATING 

I have an appointment booked with my doctor for next week and it’s a follow up on me bringing up my anxiety with her for the first time. She recommended that I keep a sleep journal because she thinks my emotional instability is purely because I’m not sleeping properly. While I know this is a major contributing factor, it’s my anxieties that are what is keeping me up so late at night. I just want to go on some sort of medication that can keep my anxiety levels at a normal rate. I want normal anxieties like everyone else. I can’t keep living my life the way that it is right now. I feel so overwhelmed with despair and I don’t know why.