#entry 08

[aidotweb]

i want to delete you from my life, and permanently this time

[magistralucis]

Finally, the bear awoke from his slumber. After much groaning, sniffling and rolling around, he finally walked out of his cave and started inspecting his trees, enjoying the cool breeze and warm sunshine on his fur. His beehive was still there, as well as a small, light brown form that all but jumped on him before stopping himself at the last moment. "You're awake!" the squirrel said with joy in his voice, for he had missed the company of the bear in the cold months of winter.

.

[sea-polyp]

BLOG ENTRY 08

My Joharis Window

Personally, I think I come off as a very open person and am unabashed to share several aspects of myself since others also listed things I liked (like manga, anime, and BTS) and have made it open to others that I’m queer. However in my opinion, the results of the activity doesn’t necessarily reflect much of my personality because there was a time constraint and most of the things written are just “surface” characteristics.

Of course, since I was not sure if the paper was going to be passed, I purposely chose to not write the negative things that I actually thought about myself. I suppose this is because of “performance”.  I try to keep an energetic front or “performance” through being chatty about things I liked or indulging in silly conversations. I can be serious and passionate about serious topics however I always try my best not to talk about my own personal struggles because I don’t necessarily want to burden anyone. When I become sullen and tired, it makes others concerned, especially during my depressive episodes.

I was honestly quite surprised with what the others wrote because most of them I don’t agree with. I’m not particularly talented and creative, and heavens know I’m not smart at all (I mean I’m failing this course what do you mean smart?). Aside from this, it was the first time someone called me Diyosa. Maybe it was meant as a joke, but it was still surprising nonetheless since I’m unattractive, so I did not expect it at all. Aside from this, I take pride in the fact that they thought of me as passionate, open minded, insightful, and opinionated since I have many topics I feel very strongly about. 

I think learning that others think of me like this made me feel doubtful and somewhat sad because I don’t think I’ll necessarily live up to those traits. Even though it was nice learning that I come off as smart, hardworking, talented or creative, I can’t necessarily take it to heart. Rather than learning something new about myself, it just made me doubt myself more because it feels like I have somehow “deceived” them. Despite my many faults, I hope at least that my performance satisfies them enough that they would not think badly of me after learning that I am actually not what they initially thought of.

[enjoyachoke]

Entry 08 - Smooth Like Butter Foot Sweeps

I'm digging those foot sweeps lately. Pretty heavily, actually. Keep practicing the sweeps. Work on the timing. Work on the form, it's a little crude. The technique is there but it can be smoother. Like Marc said, "Smooth like butta."