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Sunday, Pt. 7

Sheppard and Ronon continue their day off by hanging out in Sheppard's quarters, and this is possibly the most important scene as regards the subtext, Sheppard and McKay's relationship, Sheppard's sexual orientation and "playing the game" as it came to flirting with implying that an officer of the US Air Force might have been romantically and sexually involved with another man under DADT. On the face of it, this is a cute scene about two buddies chilling and spending their day off together but there is a lot going on.

The first thing we can note is Sheppard's clothing -- he had returned to his previous clothes that he had been playing golf with, likely the same get-up, meaning that even though he had switched into sweats while they were in the gym, he had put his sweaty clothes back on -- and quite possibly had not even showered. Such slovenliness might be excused by the Sunday and that his companion had not changed either, only we have seen Sheppard forego grooming before when he had been inconsolable as regarded his love life, like in Runner (S02E03) when, we may recall, McKay had accused him of an excessive use of Aqua Velva.

Dex: Like that? Sheppard: Yeah, you've gotta hit it, oom! -- Straight on, hard as you can. Dex: OK. Sheppard: You know, this is what I'm talking about. This is how you spend a day off. Kick back, eat some junk food, listen to some tunes. Dex: You like this music?

I have discussed it many times in the past but it seems as though Sheppard had moved in with McKay (for a second time) at the end of Irresistible (S03E03) and had not been living in these original quarters of his for many months. He had been bunking here temporarily when McKay's sister was in town in McKay and Mrs Miller (S03E08) but otherwise it seemed like he had been using the space mainly to store his non-essential things, enough to make the space look lived-in at a quick glance but not actually containing any of the items he might have needed in his day-to-day life like his toothbrush -- having used the toothbrush he had stored here in polishing his golf clubs instead. The room had looked barren in Tao of Rodney (S03E14) when he had filled the space with candles, his only personal item there a golf magazine he had used to distract himself from McKay's closeness and the intimacy of their activity.

In contrast, his room seems filled with stuff now. This room is a space where someone lives. Not only has he finally arranged for some place for people to sit -- even if Ronon has chosen to sit on his bed instead of the love seat -- but Sheppard now has his laptop, he has a sound-system for the laptop that facilitates listening to music, he has a miniature fighter jet he may or may not have brought with him from Earth, he has drinks and snacks to offer his guest. Sheppard appears to be leafing through another magazine here -- a surfing magazine by the looks of it -- but while he is doing it to hide behind it, he is doing it for a different reason than when he uses magazines to hide behind with McKay. Sheppard is feeling emotionally vulnerable here, and so the magazine is a crutch -- it is something he can pretend to be leafing through if it came necessary for him conceal his emotions about something.

And of course, as ever, he has the poster of Johnny Cash up on his wall, right above his bed watching over his sleep, and if there is a homage in the importance of the poster to Sheppard to the film Midnight Cowboy (1969) where Joe had brought with him from home to his new place a poster of Paul Newman that seemed to be his most prized possession, then we should note that it certainly was not there to establish the character's heterosexuality, even if both Paul and Johnny are considered by many "men's men."

It seems as though Sheppard is teaching Ronon about North American popular culture, seemingly having introduced him to the art of crushing a beer can with one's forehead, something popularized by Jim Belushi in the film National Lampoon's Animal House (1979) and which is seen as a particularly manly thing to do, a rite of passage. Sheppard is trying to teach Ronon the mechanics of how to do it "properly," which seems to imply the act looking hard but not necessary inflicting the most pain on the performer -- and crushing a beer can on one's forehead is always a performance, it is not something most people would do on their lonesome to entertain themselves. And while we do not know what had led Sheppard to taking this as a topic of conversation -- perhaps he had been filling Ronon in on other times he had taken blows to the face -- it very much seems like Sheppard's thoughts are circling on the topic of pain.

And what he is saying about this pain is similar to what people say about band-aids: it is better to get it over quickly even if it hurts more than to do it slowly and so make the pain last longer. This seems to be like a metaphor to what Sheppard had done in ending his relationship with McKay so abruptly, trying to convince himself that he had done the right thing. But the way Sheppard is describing it -- straight on and then as hard as you can -- also recalls what he had said about needing "max thrust" in No Man's Land (S03E01), which seems to hint at Sheppard's preference for how he wants to receive penetrative sex that seems frequently to have left him too sore to sit in a normal way, seeming to need it to hurt for having this lightly masochistic streak, as discussed previously.

Sheppard lays back and sounds perfectly relaxed as he comments on this being the kind of day off that he likes having -- and I have mentioned before that it seems as though what we see Sheppard try to recreate here with Ronon (and once again finding Ronon just a little bit wrong for the occasion, finding his responses a little bit off) is something that he used to do often, habitually, with McKay. In The Shrine (S05E04), when McKay comes to his quarters in the middle of the night wanting to know why Sheppard had not been with him when he had woken up, Sheppard invites McKay to have beers out on the pier -- reminding McKay of the fact that he likes doing it. They have done it often, and so Sheppard is trying to recreate a moment then for McKay that he believes would be familiar, something that they have done so many times over the years even if it is the first time that we get to see it. But Sheppard confessing that he enjoys this -- beer and popcorn in particular -- suggests that this is what he usually does on his days off, when ever and however often they have them. He may not have done it in this particular room at least for the last while but he has done this. He has the beers, he has the popcorn, he has the weird dried mushrooms that may or may not be native to this galaxy. He says it to Ronon here: you kick back, eat some junk food (that McKay seems to enjoy as much as he does) -- and you listen to some tunes.

So, let us talk about the tunes. Ronon actually asks the question of whether Sheppard likes the song that is playing in the background, calling attention to the music, and the answer seems to be obvious -- of course he does, otherwise he would not be playing it. They are not listening to radio, they are most likely listening to a CD that has been imported from Earth. And what is real curious here is that he is listening to a Canadian indie singer-songwriter Leeroy Stagger -- but not his most recent album at the time (Depression River, 2006) but the previous one, Beautiful House (2005). The artist being Canadian of course does not mean that he is listening to a record that had belonged to McKay because it is possible that this is something that Jeannie could have left for him or sent to him -- but it is unlikely that he could be listening to Canadian heartbreak tracks without thinking of McKay. But given what they talk about in this scene, the real important thing here is the song he is listening to, which is Just In Case. We should pay attention to the lyrics:

Just in case anybody wanted to know Just in case anybody needed to know You still change, you're the same Everyone but you to blame Just in case anybody wanted to know Just in case anybody wanted to know (Don't tell) Just in case anybody needed to know (Don't tell) Lock it in your cardboard box, throw it in your room Just in case anybody wanted to know (Don't tell, don't tell) Everyone in this town needs to shut up I don't want to hear you say my name (Don't tell) And just in case anybody wanted to know (Oh well) Just in case anybody need to know (Don't tell, don't tell) So and so tried to kill themselves last night Just in case anybody wanted to know I've got a reputation, ostentation, none of which is true Just in case anybody needed to know

Sure, the music is in the background and you have to put some effort into hearing what is being said but this seems more than a tacit confirmation about Sheppard's entire conversation here circling the topic of DADT. The music is reminding him of one half of the regulation: don't tell, don't tell -- which just throws into starker contrast the fact that in this scene, Sheppard violates the Department of Defense Directive 1304.26 as a USAF officer, and he seems to do it consciously and on purpose. This is scene is not an accident but actually very important, and their choice of the song playing in the background confirms that this was intentional.

But as important as this playing in the background of Sheppard violating the directive is, the lines "Everyone in this town needs to shut up, I don't want to hear you say my name" seem especially pertinent given the mood that Sheppard is in right now, what he is experiencing internally. Everything reminds him of McKay, which is natural because their lives had been intertwined. They had been living in each other's pockets, they had grown together, we had seen them sharing one brain between them. More so even than normal couples, it seems like they were able to sometimes even read each other's thoughts. They did not always seem to know where one man ended and the other one began, and so it is normal that people had started treating them as an item, regardless of whether they knew about their relationship. It makes sense for Beckett to have come to him when he was looking for McKay who, unbeknownst to him, was avoiding him. The city itself is reminding him of McKay. Everywhere he looks, he sees his face; everywhere he turns, he hears his name. Sheppard just wants to get away for a little while, but their lives are such that he cannot get away from McKay or his broken heart.

Of course since Sheppard most likely has the entire album, we should also look at the other songs on it. Notable examples that might bear relevance for their current situation are I Break Hearts ("I don't remember anything, not anything but you"), Stupid Love Song ("Got a friend, cries herself to sleep every night. She never has known love all her life, she thinks it's her fault"), Beautiful House ("And when you cry I will cry too, cause in these walls I cant hide from you"), Count Me Out ("Cut me up, count me out, I don′t know what is worse: you kiss me here, you kiss me there, your love just feels like a curse"), Sweet Liza Jane ("Sweet big city, let me run through your streets naked in the rain, and tell the story of the people that have left and that have came"). It is an extremely melancholy album and the only way Sheppard could be more obvious about having the post-break up blues is if he were listening to another Canadian artist -- but it might be McKay who has the more Alanis Morrissette's Jagged Little Pill (1995) feels right now.

While we are on the topic of song lyrics, most of the time when we see the poster of Johnny Cash as "the man in black," one of his songs has been of particular importance to the episode and especially for illuminating Sheppard's internal world, and while The Man in Black is important here since his motivation for breaking up with McKay was to better be able to protect him, to be "the man in black" who can carry some of the darkness on his back so that one day he might be able to wear that rainbow. However, given their one-armed combat (hiding the hand) earlier, I would venture that the song they had been thinking of in particular here is God`s Gonna Cut You Down (2003):

Well my goodness gracious let me tell you the news My head's been wet with the midnight dew I've been down on bended knee Talking to the man from Galilee He spoke to me in the voice so sweet I thought I heard the shuffle of the angel's feet He called my name and my heart stood still When he said, "John, go do my will!" Go tell that long tongue liar Go and tell that midnight rider Tell the rambler, the gambler, the back biter Tell 'em that God's gonna cut 'em down You can run on for a long time Sooner or later God'll cut you down Well you may throw your rock and hide your hand Working in the dark against your fellow man But as sure as God made black and white What's down in the dark will be brought to the light

The song seems fitting given the conclusion of the episode, and we may note that the epithets "long-tongue liar, midnight rider, rambler and gambler" could be applied to both Sheppard and McKay in different contexts, and they both suffer the consequences of their choices in this episode that poor Beckett ends up paying the price for. What happens feels very much like a Greek tragedy, like divine punishment. It seems like especially poetic irony that Sheppard seems to have explained to himself his need to end the relationship by him being better equipped to keep everybody safe if his focus was not split by him being distracted by McKay, only to be shown that sometimes fate is capricious and there is nothing he can do.

Sheppard: What, you don't? Dex: It's fine. Sheppard: I'm gonna stick to golf. Your game's a little too much like my day job. So how long have you been here now? A year? Dex: Year and a half. Sheppard: Year and a half?

Sheppard seems to hold an ice pack against his cheek briefly and asks if Ronon means to say that he is not enjoying the music, seeming almost offended on behalf of his own music taste, his defensiveness betraying the fact that he does like this music even if he does not come out and say it. Sheppard has such a need to be seen as cool by other people, he is concerned for his image and how he comes across, that he is unable to admit to liking something in case someone that he looks up to -- like he looks up to Ronon in many ways -- expresses dislike for the thing.

For all Sheppard seems like the too cool for school guy, the slacker who does not care what others think about him, as I have discussed before, this just betrays how much he cares about how others see him. His nonchalance is carefully curated, his cool facade is meant to be something that he can hide behind and he hopes that people do not look at him too carefully. He does not want to be the centre of attention, needing to be normal and ordinary enough that people would not look at him twice. McKay being so unapologetically himself and not caring about whether people like him or not -- as established in his conversation with Rod in McKay and Mrs Miller (S03E08) -- is something that Sheppard has always admired about him. He thinks that it makes McKay free in a way that he has never felt himself. Ronon tells him the music is fine even if he is not blown away by it, and we do not know what kind of music they had on this planet -- if any. He does not feel equipped to comment on the music, and seems to be going along and indulging Sheppard with all the activities of this day anyway. Whether or not he knows that Sheppard has just suffered a painful break-up, Ronon seems determined to indulge Sheppard on this day because Sheppard seems to need a friend.

Still feeling defensive about having had his ass handed to him, Sheppard tells Ronon that his sport resembles his "day job," meaning to imply that if he had been taking it seriously, he would have faired better at it. Obviously Sheppard had known that this was not a real fight, and so he had not tried as hard as he would have if it had been for real. Sheppard had given Ronon the excuse that he is "naturally lazy" in Condemned (S02E05) when the younger warrior had quipped that he was starting to worry that Sheppard did not know how to fight, and to be sure a part of this is that slacker persona that Sheppard so carefully curates for others. Partially it is about keeping his cards close to his chest, not wanting his enemies to know what he is capable of so that he might be able to take them by surprise. We have seen Sheppard transform into this Black Ops killing machine when the situation has called for it, so we know that he is capable of guerilla style warfare -- he is a lethal weapon, he is a professional soldier that has received SERE training and who can become a one-man army when necessary, and he likes to project a laid-back persona to hide this professional killer most of the time.

Most people he meets in most contexts do not need to know that he could kill them with his bare arms. Partially projecting this laid back, almost a bumbling fool persona is for show. But partially, especially when he measures himself up to Ronon, he simply feels his age. He does feel inadequate, like he does not measure up to him even though he very much would like to. He had hired Ronon specifically because he is a capable warrior, because Sheppard thinks that Ronon is capable of performing feats that he cannot, hoping that Ronon might be able to keep McKay safe when Sheppard cannot do it personally. He had put his hopes into Ronon being better than him, more than him, stronger than him, faster than him, having more stamina than him -- in him having everything that Sheppard might lack when it comes to protecting McKay. He is counting on it. It is a good thing that Ronon is this super warrior, even if he does make Sheppard feels his age and his mileage in a way that makes him uncomfortable, even if he unintentionally puts a mirror in front of Sheppard that forces him to see himself as he is -- flawed and aging. Sheppard is not a man without an ego -- and it is because he recognizes himself in McKay that this facet of McKay seems to bother him so much, disliking in someone else what he hates about himself -- and so it is because he needs to protect his own ego here that he tells Ronon he was not even really trying. If he had been trying for real, the outcome would have been different. This is basically from the handbook for sore losers.

And with that out of the way, Sheppard does not want to be thinking about how he got his ass handed to him, and so he changes the subject -- switching the spotlight off of himself, on purpose, and moving it on Ronon instead. This is a strategy that people use when they do not wish to talk about themselves, when they don't want to reveal too much about themselves to others. Asking questions about their conversation partner is a convenient way to avoid talking about themselves. Sheppard is basically chit-chatting here, trying to keep the conversation light. His intention is not actually to probe about Ronon and his personal life, he is just meaning to keep the conversation off of himself and his private business, not wishing to reveal too much about himself and his thoughts or feelings. This is not about Ronon so much as this is Sheppard not feeling comfortable sharing himself with others -- from what we have seen in the past, it seems like Sheppard is uncomfortable sharing himself with anyone other than McKay. He likes to hide in plain sight when it comes to everyone else -- and it is quite possible that he would never have shared himself with McKay either if it had not been for this unsettling ability McKay had for reading his thoughts just by looking at his face.

Sheppard had found himself an open book for McKay without ever intending to be this. But the point here is that while Sheppard turns the conversation on to Ronon and asks about him, it is not because he is particularly interested or curious. In fact, Sheppard's question here betrays the fact that Ronon has been with them for a year and a half, and Sheppard has not asked Ronon about him for all that time. Sheppard has not been interested in him and his life like that. He is not even that interested now -- he is making small-talk just to pass the time, just to avoid being alone with his own thoughts. This can seem like a bonding moment between the two of them but actually betrays the opposite -- Sheppard has been so caught up in his relationship with McKay that he has barely given any consideration to others.

It is only not that he is suddenly bothering to get to know who Ronon even is, to ask about his personal life. And even now his motivation is not getting to know Ronon, as might even be his duty as team leader, but to avoid dealing with his own personal life. Sheppard is trying to avoid feeling his feelings and thinking his thoughts, and so he is again using Ronon to distract himself. Sheppard seems genuinely surprised when Ronon tells him that he has been with them for what seems like such a long time since it had felt shorter to him. Time flies when you are having fun. Sheppard has often lost his sense of time when he has been with McKay. When he has been with the man that he loves, time has always seemed to stand still. It has felt like a shorter time to him than it has been.

Sheppard: You ever hang out with anyone else besides me and Teyla? I'm not saying we're sick of you or anything. I dunno -- are you dating anyone? Dex: You mean like a woman? Sheppard: Or a man. Dex: No. I'm not ready yet.

Sheppard continues his interview of Ronon, asking the kinds of questions that a grandmother or an inquisitive aunt might ask -- not really what two guys just shooting the breeze would broach. And we should reiterate that Sheppard is not asking these questions because he has suddenly, a year and a half into Ronon's stay, developed an interest in the man's affairs, that is not what this is about. It is a cliché that men do not talk about their personal lives with their male buddies -- that two guys can become best buds and not necessarily even know each other's names, let alone whether they are married or have kids or what they do for a living. They might consider each other best friends without knowing any personal information about each other, only knowing the pertinent stuff like whether they are good fishermen, what kind of beer they prefer, whether they are good at what ever activity the two guys bond over.

Sheppard's intention is simply to keep the conversation off of himself and on Ronon, and so it seems like the only thing he can even think to ask is what Ronon usually does on his time off -- that is Sheppard's actual question here but, true to form, he can not just come ahead and ask the question he wants to ask. Even deeper than that, his real question is whether Ronon is involved in some kind of activity that Sheppard might use to fill up his own free time in the future now that he is not spending all of his free time, between missions and at nights, with McKay. He is asking Ronon to provide him with something to fill the emptiness in his life. That is the question underneath the other questions that he is obviously not just coming ahead and asking. But because he can only arrive at what he is digging for in a round about way and he is known to project, he makes it sound like Ronon is the one who has no friends and who is unloved and alone -- like he feels right now. He is asking whether Ronon is seeing anybody else besides himself and Teyla because he is seeing only the two of them now. Now that he is not spending every free moment with McKay, he is the one who has no one else.

But because even Sheppard seems to recognize that his question is kind of rude he broadens it up, trying to be smooth about asking Ronon's love life, if he has any -- and he is still projecting here because he is actually dying to to talk about his own broken heart, which he can of course not do in any shape or form, not even if he was the kind of guy who could talk about his feelings. His relationship is illicit, against regulations, a violation of the directive. He could not talk about it even if he wanted to. So he is asking about Ronon, whether he has a sweetheart. It is not because Sheppard cares, or is even interested whether he is seeing anyone. He wants to talk about his own relationship. He is dying to tell someone that he is not seeing anyone right now, thank you. It has cost him a piece of his soul to arrive at this place and he needs to tell someone about it.

Because they had been forced to live out their relationship in secret, it seems like no one even knows that they have broken up. The most significant thing in Sheppard's life has just occurred, and he can't tell anybody about it. He is hurting worse than if he had been forced to cut out his hand (which he would get to experience later in Remnants, S05E15), and everyone was looking at him like he still had two hands. Everyone was treating him like he was a normal two-handed person who had not just experienced a traumatic injury. It felt absurd. It felt offensive. Sheppard needed to be able to tell someone about it, and so -- he is testing the waters here. Ronon is a friend, he is an alien. Maybe he could talk to him about it. Maybe he could tell him.

By clarifying whether he had understood what Sheppard was asking him, he actually gives him an in. Ronon asks whether Sheppard means if he is seeing a woman in a romantic sense, and Sheppard ever so nonchalantly points out that he might be seeing a guy. He does not care. Insert shoulder shrug. Cool as a cucumber. Or a man, he says not caring. It makes no never mind to him. He is broad-minded like that. A modern man, with the times, not one of those tight-ass, homophobic Southern Baptist USAF officers. Sheppard does not care if you are a big old 'mo, Ronon. You can share with the class, you can tell him, he won't make a big deal out of it. Only, this is a big deal, what he does here. It seems like most viewers did not get what a big deal this was. Sheppard is violating directive 1304.26 here. At the time when the episode aired, the directive stated that applicants for enlistment, appointment, or induction shall not be asked or required to reveal their sexual orientation nor shall they be asked to reveal whether they have engaged in homosexual conduct, unless independent evidence is received indicating an applicant engaged in such conduct or the applicant volunteers a statement that he or she is a homosexual or bisexual, or words to that effect. Sheppard, a Lieutenant Colonel of the United States Air Force, asks. He a s k s Ronon if he is dating a man. He is violating the directive because under US military law he was not allowed to do that.

Now, the thing is, he is not technically violating the directive because Ronon is not a service member. Only, Sheppard himself had made a big deal out of treating the members of his team as though they were members of the US military and under the same protections in Sateda (S03E04). That had been a big deal for him. He had been ready to throw hands with his superior officer over this, which would have led to a court martial. He had told Caldwell, about Ronon specifically, that although he was not a member of the US military that "He's a member of my team, and he deserves the same respect as anyone on this expedition." Sheppard had gone on record that we was going to treat Ronon just like any other man serving under him. And the fact that they are chilling here, drinking beer on a mandated day off, does not change that. If Sheppard considers Ronon like any of his men, he is not allowed to do this. He is not allowed to ask. Sheppard knows this, and he asks anyway. He is purposefully violating the directive. He is in violation of the regulations. This is just as much of a violation if he had disclosed about himself. He is not allowed to ask someone if they are dating a member of the same sex. Sheppard could not be more explicit about being in violation of the regulations here. In the background, the Canadian man is singing "Don't ask, don't ask," and here he is, asking.

And it is not about Ronon. Sheppard asking Ronon if he is dating a man is not about Ronon. It is about him. Sheppard is the one who has been dating a man -- up until like a week ago. Even though he has ended his relationship and his heart is broken, he wants to be able to say that to someone. He wants someone to know. In fact, he wishes more than anything that everybody serving under him in the expedition felt free to say if they were, that they felt free to disclose because he would try to protect them to the best of his ability. He has tried to create an atmosphere in the city that could be free to be who they are, to love who they do. To wear that rainbow every day. He wants that for others even though he feels like his duties mean that he can never have that for himself. Sheppard is so broken up about what he has been forced to give up that for this fleeting moment, he does not care. He is throwing caution to the wind. Even though this is very much not about Ronon, he wants the guy to know that if he were, it would be OK with Sheppard. Anyone is free to date who ever they wants, as far as he is concerned.

This is a big deal, having Sheppard say this. The show had actual ties to the USAF. They were taking a chance with this seemingly innocuous piece of dialogue. Technically they are not breaking any rules here. Technically Ronon is not a service member so Sheppard can ask anything he wants to. And Ronon basically tells him no, he is not light in the combat boots, he is not a pillow biter, he is not a fudge-packer, he is not any of the colourful names for queens and queers and friends of Dorothy that they had in the Air Force. Ronon may not be a patriotic red-blooded American man but they establish that he is straight here (even though, they really don't -- only that he is not dating a man right now and that he had been in love with a woman in the past). And it makes Sheppard not gay by association -- when in reality this proves not a thing about Sheppard's interest in anybody. What this does prove is that Sheppard thinks nothing about violating DADT when it suits him, however. He does that on purpose here. Sheppard is conscious about what he does -- how can he not be? He is an officer -- and more than that, a base commander.

Atlantis is considered a major military outpost, as seen by Sheppard's "chest candy" at the end of the episode, by his service ribbons. This means that his boots are bigger than his rank strictly states on account of his post. If Ronon had been a member of the US military and had wanted to make trouble for Sheppard, which he of course does not want -- and he has no idea what had just happened here because most of the viewers probably did not catch on to it -- he could probably have ended Sheppard's career right here. This is probably one of the reasons why General Landry and his all male panel had not wanted to give Sheppard the post originally -- they had seen him as trouble, as compromised -- as someone who would not care about upholding certain regulations because he was in violation of them himself.

This was a big deal, and it was real clever of them to bring this up now that Sheppard and McKay had apparently ended their relationship. Sheppard was not in active violation of the regs now on the other side. It is clever of them to do this while basically confirming another character's heterosexuality (even though we never find out much at all about what to Satedans or the other peoples of Pegasus think about same sex relations) and while they are hinting at a possible romantic interest between Sheppard and a woman, even though they are pretty securely establishing no romantic connection between them in this episode. It is all around cleverly done, very subtle and yet undeniable. Nothing about this scene is an accident. Nothing about this entire episode is an accident. John Sheppard is in love with Rodney McKay. Rodney is the love of his life. He had been forced to end their relationship because due to the tragic death of his lover before the start of the show -- his tragic backstory -- he fears more than anything else that his own actions would lead to the death of the one person he has learned he cannot live without. And it is now that their relationship is ended that we are confirmed that it had existed. It it this heart-breaking end of their relationship that establishes it as having been real this whole time. This is masterful storytelling.

Sheppard: Not ready yet? Did you leave somebody behind on Sateda? Wife? Dex: Close enough.

It is only now that Sheppard actually looks at Ronon, actually sees him, the unexpectedness of his response shaking Sheppard out of his reverie, getting him out of his own head. Sheppard has been so caught up in his own broken heart that he had failed to see that someone else had been hurting this whole time.

Ronon's radical honesty is something that Sheppard had not expected because he is incapable of being honest like this about his own emotions -- Sheppard could never confess to something like that himself. In this, Ronon is actually a lot of like McKay, and we have noted before how to two of them have a lot in common when you look beneath the surface. On a very deep level, the two of them are very much alike, both are deeply damaged and broken, and they even try to deal with their damage in similar ways. Ronon's response seems to stop Sheppard in his tracks and he has to think about it for a moment. He does not quite know how to react at first because he had not anticipated this. As a matter of fact, Sheppard had not been thinking about Ronon at all here -- he had been using Ronon to distract himself from his broken heart, and he had accidentally stepped on what seemed to him might be an emotional landmine. He suspected that he needed to be careful in his steps now because although he had been shifting the focus of the conversation on Ronon on purpose, not wanting to talk about himself or his feelings or reveal too much about himself -- but he had not meant for this conversation to actually get too deep, too intimate, too emotional.

Sheppard had expected Ronon to be like an ordinary guy -- not too keen to talk about feelings and things of that nature. Sheppard himself would not be caught dead talking about how he feels, and hence he had felt safe being alone with Ronon in a way he would never have felt comfortable being alone with his best friend Teyla -- who would probably corner him and demand they talk about intimate stuff even after he has tried to let her know that he does not like doing that and is not good at it. And now somehow he found himself here with Ronon -- the last person he thought would want to talk about his feelings, sharing with him something intimate like that. Sheppard is completely caught off guard here, and so he is careful in his probing -- but suddenly interested in spite of himself. At the very least, this distracts him from his own tragedy.

This is probably the first time that Sheppard is seriously thinking about Ronon and what his life must have been like before he had been forced to leave his entire world behind. On some abstract level Sheppard had realized that Ronon must have had a "before." At the end of Runner (S02E03) Sheppard had seen the still smoking ruins of Sateda, he had been forced to show them to Ronon personally. In Sateda (S03E04), he had seen the man's home-world for himself and had been able to witness the trauma that his experiences seemed to have wrought on him. Ronon was very obviously a deeply damaged, broken shell of a man and it was really miraculous how well-adjusted he seemed to be in spite of his past. Sheppard probably realizes that he should have encouraged or even insisted that Ronon talked to Heightmeyer about his experiences -- but he seems to have been reluctant to make use of her services himself. Sheppard knows that he has suffered deep trauma himself, and he has not wanted to see a head-shrink about it, and he seems to have quite naturally projected about this on Ronon.

He has been a big boy about his boo-boo and he seems to have assumed that Ronon would see it the same way, and so he had not pushed him. It is only now that he is forced to actually see Ronon as a person, as a distinct personality separate from himself, and he has a moment of realization of what a shitty team leader and friend he has been. He really has had his head up his own ass this whole time, preoccupied with his own life and his own drama and his relationship with McKay -- and this is just reminding him of how focused on McKay he has been this whole time. It really was necessary for him to end his relationship because this was the kind of stuff he had been missing when his focus had been on McKay 24/7. And of course it had never been McKay's fault, but he finds it easier now than ever to blame it on McKay.

Ir was not a coincidence that he had not mentioned McKay earlier when he had asked Ronon if he ever hung out with people other than himself and Teyla. Ronon and McKay might not have been best buds like that or even had that much in common, but it would not be wild for Ronon to sometimes hang out with McKay. Sheppard has seen them chatting on their missions, having points of interest in common. There are easily a dozen things that Ronon and McKay could have bonded or geeked out together. It was on purpose that Sheppard had not invoked his name. Sheppard finds himself incapable of speaking his name. Sheppard is quietly hoping that no one would speak his name to him today, and Beckett had already done it. He had been hoping not to have to think about him for one day, and of course that had been doomed to fail. His brain had been running on McKayMcKayMcKayMcKayMcKay for the past two and a half years -- why would he expect it to be any different now? Yes, it was best that he focused on Ronon's tragedy. That would at the very least be something else for him to think about.

To distract himself, he asks if Ronon had been married. He realizes that he had never even considered it because the guy was so young and seemed to have spent most of his adult life running from the wraith. But of course he now recognizes that the Pegasus people might have had very different customs. For all he knows, Ronon had been a child groom or betrothed to someone from birth. He had never even thought to ask, and it was not because he was such a considerate guy as not to want to pry. He had not just been interested in Ronon or his life like that. And he realizes what a shitty friend and team leader that makes him now. Teyla probably had asked and had known all about that kind of stuff.

But it turns out that Ronon had not been married. He tells Sheppard that she had been "close enough" to a wife -- and this is an interesting way to describe it. It is not an accident in the context of this episode because that is precisely what Sheppard and McKay had been to each other. They had been "close enough" to be married -- because they could not be married. Not under US law, not with Sheppard's job. Under Canadian laws they could have been married, and that was the thing. That had become a whole thing as time had gone on. That is the whole reason to even have Ronon describe him having been in a serious relationship like this. Close enough. He was not the only one who had been close enough. Who had had a close enough. To wit:

Sheppard: Sorry. Dex: What about you? Sheppard: What about me? Dex: When are you getting married? Sheppard: Already done that. Not very good at it.

Sheppard says that he is sorry, realizing he had stepped in it (the emotional landmine) -- and we very rarely hear Sheppard says that he is sorry, and even more seldom as genuinely as he seems to be here. McKay had told Sheppard that he was not very good at apologizing in McKay and Mrs Miller (S03E08) because he was so rarely wrong, which of course is not the only or even the main reason that people say they are sorry.

Sheppard seemed to disagree with McKay at the time (about McKay rarely being in the need of apologizing, not that he was not not good at it), and he was projecting at the time -- we have seen McKay capable of expressing genuine remorse when the situation calls for it whereas Sheppard seems to find it much more difficult to admit that he has done anything that warrants saying that he is sorry, let alone that he could do it honestly and from the heart. Sheppard tends to see many of his own flaws in McKay and it is because he loves McKay that seeing his own flaws in him has been an attempt of Sheppard to try to love himself better. Regardless, this is a rare occasion of Sheppard seeming to genuinely be sorry and to even be able to come out and say it to someone else, to mean it. He realizes that this must be difficult for Ronon, and he had not meant for the discussion to go there, not at all, not by any means. He had been going for lighthearted chatter, and they had somehow ended up in Heartbreak Crossing, and that was his bad.

It does not seem like Ronon is that keen on dwelling on this topic either, and so it is his turn to deflect by turning the conversation back on Sheppard. Ronon is actually a lot more clever than people give him credit for, and he seems to get his payback by turning the question around on Sheppard, demanding that he share something personal in turn -- and so he asks Sheppard when he is getting married. It is important to note that he is not asking whether Sheppard is dating anybody -- important also that he is not asking him whether it is a woman or a man, Sheppard's own question pretty much begging for this question that Ronon skips right over -- and it is entirely possible that he skips this question because it is rather obvious to him that Sheppard has been seeing somebody. In fact, if there is one person who has had a front row seat to the Sheppard and McKay relationship drama, it has been Ronon.

As we had seen in the previous episode The Ark (S03E15), there is no one who has had a better seat to that show, and more incentive to try to make sense of the things that Sheppard actually genuinely cares about, and even to try to see through his pretenses and projections. Ronon is genuinely trying to guard Sheppard's life, and so it has been vitally important for him to understand Sheppard and the things he cares about. If Sheppard has been in a serious relationship with someone -- and he has -- Ronon would know about it. And so he does not insult Sheppard by asking him if he has been seeing anybody, it is obvious to him that he has. Instead, he is asking when Sheppard is making an honest man out of McKay. And he may be asking this in spite of -- or even because -- it seems like Sheppard has just freshly broken up with a man he is still so clearly in love with. Ronon is not stupid.

And again we have to note that Sheppard is taken off guard by Ronon's question, by the directness of it. And we have to acknowledge the fact that he is not answering the question here, he is deflecting like his life depended on it. This is not a question that Sheppard can answer, not for real, not being genuine. This is not a question that he wants to answer, and it may be a question that he may not even know how to answer even if he wanted to. Which he does not. This is not even in the neighbourhood of Sheppard being honest with his answer. I am certain that there are viewers who believe (or even insist) that Sheppard is telling the truth here when Sheppard is not a just coming around and telling the truth kind of a guy. He has very little incentive to just straight up telling the truth here. That is not what this is about. That is almost the opposite of what this is about.

Sheppard responds by saying that he had "already done that" and that he was "not very good at it." The first thing I want to draw your attention to is the lack of pronouns here -- this is something that CIA analysts note is often a sign that someone is lying, the sudden dropping of pronouns. Sheppard is not being truthful here but it does not necessarily mean that he is outright lying -- because the dropping of pronouns may also signal him putting some distance between himself and the memories that the question had invoked in him. This is something that had happened to him but not something that he had actively participated in. Him dropping the pronouns all of a sudden is really significant and underscores how difficult he finds this topic of conversation.

Most viewers watching the show now will interpret this scene in light of what we learn later in Outcast (S04E15) -- that Sheppard had been married to a beautiful woman called Nancy and that they had divorced at least partially because Sheppard had been keeping things from her and participating on the kinds of missions that married men seldom participate in or are even allowed to participate in, and who seemed to come from his social circle -- and that his father had very much approved of this marriage. And given that we had just been revealed that Sheppard had been playing golf since he was six, it is not impossible that they had already thought of this part of his backstory here. In fact, it is possible that they had hinted at Sheppard's backstory already in Epiphany (S02E12), as discussed at the time -- Sheppard had been in love with a man whose sister he had then married out of societal pressure. Be that as it may, it is not necessary that Sheppard is referring to that here regardless of whether the backstory had been sketched out for him at this time, because the divorce he is thinking about now is the one he had suffered more recently.

They may not have been married but he and McKay had been close enough, and Sheppard has to be thinking about their separation at this time. His marriage and divorce back on Earth are not relevant to his life right now -- he is mourning the ending of the most important relationship of his life, and whether or not he ever got to call McKay his husband, he very much feels like they have divorced. This feels worse than his divorce because he had never been in love with Nancy. He had never been forced to live right next to her and work with her. With her, Sheppard had likely been able to pack his bags and leave for another country, another mission, not having to be where everything reminded him of her, where everyone was talking about her to him because they had been such an item that people could not think of one without thinking of the other. Regardless of what we learn about Sheppard later, and the writers (the actor among them) may have based the episode on this moment, that is not what he is thinking about here. And it is important that Sheppard admits that he had not been very good at it, even though he does not use the pronoun -- ever unable to outright accept his own culpability in things. Sheppard knows that he is the bad guy here, never mind how good his intentions had been. McKay deserved someone better than him. However much he might hate the guy McKay eventually finds, he sincerely hopes that he does find someone better.

Sheppard: Besides, there really isn't anyone here that... you know. Dex: I always thought you and Teyla would... you know. Sheppard: Really? Dex: Yeah. Why not? Sheppard: Umm...

Deflecting even more, uncomfortable sharing details of his personal life let alone his feelings, Sheppard then continues unprompted that he does not feel like there is anyone here that he could even see himself marrying -- or at the very least that is what we are invited to read into what he says. We can note that he does not just drop his pronouns here, he drops also the verb. Ronon had asked him when he would get married and he is saying that there is no one there, seeming to mean the city but possibly the entire galaxy, but instead of just saying what he means he finishes with "....you know" -- and we have seen time and again that Sheppard really prefers it when people just get what he means without him having to spell things out, without him just having to come out and say it.

The thing is, the heterosexist assumption here is that he is talking about a woman -- and to be sure, we have not seen him making many connections with women in the city outside of his boss and Teyla, whom Ronon then even offers up as a candidate. But what he says is so vague that Sheppard could just as easily have meant to say "Besides, there really isn't anyone here that I can marry" -- he is legally now allowed to marry the person he has been most intimately connected with. It is not just the regulations of his office but the laws of his native country that made that a foregone possibility. Technically the two of them could have married in Canada under Canadian law but that would have marked the end of Sheppard's career, and he thinks that this war needs him "on that wall" so badly that he had just given up the person he loved most in the world to be able to perform his duty.

No, there literally really isn't anyone in Atlantis that Sheppard could marry -- not that he did not want to. Sheppard does not say that there is not anyone he wanted to marry or he found interesting enough to marry or any number of things he could have said here. He leaves it at an ambiguous "you know" because we are meant to read it in our own context. Given the rules against fraternization, the reading would be pretty much the same even if one had been thinking of him having been interested in Weir, or even Teyla who is a member of his team. Note the way he looks first to his upper right, remembering something, and then to his upper left when he finishes with "...you know," suggesting that he was thinking about someone specific at first and then made the decision to lie about it.

And this brings us to Ronon's suggestion here, and the spirit in which it is given. It seems like he is saying that he had detected something between Sheppard and Teyla, some kind of a "vibe" like they were more than friends, even if just looking at the earlier scene where Teyla had been trying to get out of spending time with Sheppard and had been pawing Ronon's naked bicep might suggest otherwise. Of course Sheppard had just (seemingly) risked his life to save Teyla, even though he had told her not to think that he had been doing it specifically for her because he would have done it for everyone. Sheppard has seemed to avoid spending time alone with Teyla, and it is certainly not because he is feeling some uncontrollable passion for her -- lingering desires, secret longings for her touch. We have been shown pretty decisively that this is not the case -- and as pointed out, Ronon had most definitely noted the difference in how Sheppard regarded McKay and the others in the previous episode. Just contrast Sheppard asking Teyla whether she was still alive with "Teyla?" and pursuing no further conversation with her to him being entirely beside himself when he had not know what had happened to McKay. They could scarcely have made the contrast more stark, and Ronon had been there to see it from a front row seat.

Now, it is true that we have seen Sheppard and Teyla kiss in Conversion (S02E08), albeit is unlikely that Ronon would know about this since they both seemed so mortified when it had happened as to never want to discuss it again and certainly did not want others to know about it -- even though it seemed that McKay knew about it by the following episode. They have had intimate moments and they do appear to be good friends, and Sheppard does definitely care about her. But it seems as though their intimate moments are not something that Sheppard pursues but instead tries to actively avoid because they are uncomfortable to him -- even more uncomfortable as he is talking about this now -- and there are so many episodes where we can contrast Sheppard's regard for Teyla and McKay to see who the most important person in his life is. There is no contest -- we have seen Sheppard actively choose McKay times and again, and it was because of this that Sheppard turning McKay down when he wanted to ask at the end of the previous episode for Sheppard not to go through with it had been such a big deal.

What ever Ronon has or thinks he has seen between Sheppard and his other team mates, it is entirely possible that he is digging here -- that he is baiting for Sheppard to tell him something that Sheppard seems to be dying to tell him anyway. Sheppard seems to really need to unburden himself here, and he seems unable to do it unless prompted. Ronon bringing up Sheppard potentially dating a member of their team is an opening for him to talk about it not dissimilar to Sheppard throwing in his "Or a man" earlier, giving Ronon leave to tell him if he had been interested in guys. He is similarly trying to let Sheppard know that it is OK by him if he was interested in a member of their team -- Teyla or otherwise.

Sheppard himself had made it clear earlier that women or men made no never mind to him, so it would have been easy peasy for Ronon to segue into "What about McKay?" from here -- only he never gets the chance because they are interrupted by the plot happening. But before Sheppard is literally saved by the bell, the ringing alarm saving him from having to answer, we have to note the derisive "Really?" with which he reacts to Ronon's suggestion that he might have been interested in Teyla like that. He responds like it is the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard. Ronon invited him to elaborate on why not Teyla, and for all we know Sheppard had been about to say something to the tune of "We're just good friends," "I like them thicker," "Well, she's a girl" -- or even "I prefer more than seven inches."

Continued in Pt. 8

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