Single life Epiphanies
At some point in your life you come to a realization that you inevitably and will forever be alone. Alone to walk this earth and you better figure out how to love yourself or else it's going to be such a torturous rest of your life now isn't it.
Looking back at the many relationships , how different they were in their entirety . Some healthy, most not. Somewhere I was stronger as far as knowing who I was and where I stood, but sadly most morphed into an abusive and codependent relationship. Leaving me mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically broken down to a mushy pulp of a person. Forced to get back up , try and bandage up myself as best as possible and just keep going. That was the only option. Just keep going .
Now I don't know if it was my utter stubbornness that kept me in the revolving door of repeating the same mistakes, or straight up denial that even now it's awfully painful to even type out the truth that my abuse began way before dating age . And my brain was hardwired since childhood to repeat this destructive recurring cycle. And I suppose I would have kept repeating this cycle of self-pity, never fighting for more in a significant other nor myself, accepting this mediocre acceptor of life as the man I wanted next to me during battle. But I knew deep down I was meant for more. I just couldn't see what more even looked like.
So after losing everything I held dear to my heart, every single support system turning their backs , every family member forgetting they had a daughter named Alina, or a older sister that would be there for them at the drop of a hat yet , but the act never reciprocated. And then the most abusive, traumatizing relationship, almost bringing me to my grave by his hand, I was able to get out of thank god. I sat in my motel room in mesa arizona, after a night's work at the strip club ( I could no longer work in a salon after my ex and his mother falsely reported me to state board and I had my license revoked) I sat there all alone . Like I did every night. I didn't have parties, or people over, or guys over even. I sat their night after night . Sometimes crying in fetal position about how lonely I was and how bad I had fucked everything up in my life. And after the tears refused to come out, I would lie there and look at the wall. With no light at the end of the tunnel . No sight of my future whatsoever. How could anyone love me right ? I just needed someone next to me, that would make me feel better right? The instant gratification of having someone put their arm over me so I could finally fall asleep. All i can remember is how badly I wanted someone to tell me I was going to be ok.
Until one night.
I was in my motel room once again, and I wish I could tell you exactly how it happened . But the best way I can describe this moment is simply like a smack across the back of my head by my guardian angel and a simple “ WAKE UP “ You're going to be just fine silly girl, in fact you're going to be wonderful. And you aren't lonely, you are awesome and can have a blast ALL BY YOURSELF. As these feelings and words are running threw my noggin I am literally feeling my soul move again for the first time is a long while, this shift , this excitement, like the first day of school , not just any year of school even. Like the first day of kindergarten, or possibly 6th grade where you were the top dogs in the entire school and your friends were all there established in their self made image, always by your side and you knew it would stay that way. You having the coolest backpack, pink jelly chunky heeled sandals that made your feet stink so bad but you didn't care because you knew that you looked PHAT.
That was the excitement I started to feel, welling up in my chest, then stomach and filling up my lower half, and shooting back up to fill the empty chest cavity that my full heart had once occupied and routinely filled with every expand and compressing beat of my heart.Then up into my skull and behind my eyes this energy began filling my body up with warm comforting energy, so much so that i was practically bursting at the seams with what this epiphone truly meant. It meant that
I was going to be just fine . That I didn't need an instant anything. I didn't need someone there beside me in that room, besides the room was too small anyway, Nor did I need someone's arm around me so I could fall asleep. Infact! I would be lying to myself, I am fully aware my warm body would have just overheated with that heavy arm flopped over me and I would have hated it.
My truths came to me, quicker than expected even. Truth, I knew that my happiness was in my hands and I was in charge of my world. No one else.
And I would never stop striving everyday to be one step closer to my goals.
I finally broke down one section of that revolving door, I’ve learned to love myself, live by myself , and my self worth. Don't get me wrong , I'm still strengthening them daily, and I have lots to learn about life. Since we all know the universe doesn't let us pause for a breath ever. Before kicking us in the butt and telling us to keep going.. Now brings me to my next dilemma .
What happens when you've been single ( for the most part ) for over 2 years, have become so used to not having to answer to anyone or having take others feelings into consideration, or even worry about having any word close to Love come out of your mouth towards the opposite sex. And the universe puts The One directly in your path, no way to dodge this curveball. That's it, he just introduced himself, and you to him. The connection has been made.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do?
