my boyfriend’s top surgery is todayyyy please pray for him and that everything goes well and that he has a speedy recovery!! he’ll be bedridden over christmas and for a good portion of our college break, so pray for him and his family that is taking care of him since i will not be able to be there with him
the idea of going to easter crowds for a service with what i believe might be strep throat was not appealing, so instead i woke up early, walked to the nearby cemetery, watched the birds, and had what i called Emo Easter: reflections on what grief and death and suffering have to do with a normally joyous holiday.
i wrote a little "service" for myself, a reading and reflection and some poems, under the cut if anyone would like to see it. :)
Reading
Luke 24:1–12
Reflection
What sort of joy is there in grieving that someone who loves you suffered?
Christ did not shy away from Gethsemane. If there is any model to follow, it is this: that there is an inevitability - or at least a purpose - in suffering. Lent reminds us that we return to dust. I now move towards the Resurrection to remember that Christ too once was dust, died like us, suffered like us. It is a painful feeling and yet somehow comforting to know someone so loving took on this grief.
The Paschal Mystery is the passion, death, descent, resurrection, and ascension of Christ. All five of those. Usually, I only hear about three. The message is clear: the Lord offers victory through an absurd defeat. Life out of death. I wonder if it is not a fundamentally healing God, but a transforming God, that one clings to in these times. Christ’s wounds were not healed - they remain when he appears to disciples. They’re glorified by the stigmatic saints. Christ is the wounded healer, suffering, degraded, cast away. Yet his wounds have been transformed to mean something else to those he loves. I must believe that our suffering too has some sort of meaning. It is not instantly erased, but it can be transformed.
This Easter, I am asked to die. Let go of what I thought I knew. After all, Mary Magdalene did not even recognize this person before her - how could that be? How much could this man have transformed that his most loyal disciple had all expectations totally upended? There is grief in letting go of the idea that Christ walks among us as a breathing, loving, suffering, toiling, crying, laughing man. How he is missed. But there is also joy in the transformation once that expectation is gone. Now all of our hands are his; he is there for all, to love all, through us.
Jonathan Sacks, a Rabbi, talks about Moses at the burning bush. Moses asks God, “Who are you?” God says to him: Hayah asher hayah. This is often translated as “I am that which I am”. A more precise Hebrew is “I will be who or how or where I will be”. It always struck me as a reply that lacked comfort. The Paschal Mystery too lacks comfort to me. There is ambiguity in the initiation and purpose of suffering. Yet I believe that there is something valuable that can emerge from pain. The Lord will be who or how or where he is, and to cling to him is to let go of things that will hold us back from finding him - even if that letting go is painful.
Poetry
Goodtime Jesus (James Tate)
Jesus got up one day a little later than usual. He had been dreaming so deep there was nothing left in his head. What was it? A nightmare, dead bodies walking all around him, eyes rolled back, skin falling off. But he wasn’t afraid of that. It was a beautiful day. How ’bout some coffee? Don’t mind if I do. Take a little ride on my donkey, I love that donkey. Hell, I love everybody.
The Gardener (Mary Oliver)
Have I lived enough?
Have I loved enough?
Have I considered Right Action enough, have I
come to any conclusions?
Have I experienced happiness with sufficient gratitude?
Have I endured loneliness with grace?
I say this, or perhaps I’m just thinking it.
Actually, I probably think too much.
Then I step out into the garden,
where the gardener, who is said to be a simple man,
is tending his children, the roses.
Nature Morte (Joseph Brodsky, excerpt)
The thing. And its brown
color. Its outlines blurred.
Twilight. Nothing around.
Nothing else. Nature mortes.
Death will come, discover
the body, whose calm will reflect
death’s visit like a lover’s,
with the same effect.
Skull, skeleton, sickle in hand –
this absurdity, all lies:
“Death will come and
she will have your eyes”
Mother to Christ, at a loss:
- Are you my God or son?
You’re nailed onto the cross.
Tell me how to go on?
How can I go, having not
understood, grasped, derived:
are you my son or God?
That is, dead or alive?
He, in turn, explained:
- Dead or alive, this time,
woman, it’s all the same.
Son or God, I’m thine.
Prayer and Meditation
Repeat the Jesus prayer silently: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Hail Gaia, Lady of deep soil and daughter of Creation, all life is within you. Blessed is your fruitful bounty, and blessed are our ancestral dead underfoot. Munificent Gaia, Sister Earth, shelter and nurture us now and at the hour of our death when God calls us home. Amen.
i found a really cute looking bible study app while scrolling on pinterest that when i actually looked more intently at it immediately clocked as ai. it has a ai chat feature to “chat with the bible” and to get ai answers to bible questions. that just feels very wrong to me because the draw for me was it was a gameified bible study app with similar vibes to finch and duolingo which i appreciate as a someone who struggles to consistently read my bible or focused when i do read it, but it should not be done with ai.
ai shouldn’t be the mediator between you and the bible. ai should not be your teacher of your religion, regardless of how familiar you are with christianity and the bible’s teachings. ai should not be trusted with telling you what to believe. it is wrong on so many occasions, it can incorrectly cite bible verses that dont say when it tells you it does, give completely incorrect bible quotes, tell you completely wrong lessons from the bible, etc because its entire job is to give you an answer. it doesn’t have to be right, most of the time it isnt. it’s not giving you any new information. plus, the bible and christianity have been around for sooo long and we have so many scholars and priests and pastors and nuns and theologians and teachers and professors who have all asked some similar questions to you.
you can find this information from someone that’s not ai. these are the same places that ai is pulling its “answers” from anyways. have community with your fellow man and learn from them not from ai.
i need to find some more queer/trans (affirming) christian content creators on instagram if anyone has any suggestions of who to follow. it's hard because i keep getting queer anti-religion creators or religious anti-queer creators, and a lot of christian detransitioners in between and its upsetting to see :/
scoping out some affirming episcopal churches and one catholic church in my area to possibly go to whenever i move out next summer. i know likely what area i’m going to move to and luckily this city has a fair amount of lgbt affirming churches. and i was very surprised to find that the one catholic church i found was also affirming (from what their website shows) and they have a lgbtq ministry within the church for queer parishioners of all ages and orientations. i’m looking forward to church hopping for the first time this spring and summer once i start apartment shopping too lol
