#error.personal

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I feel like I haven’t experienced enough in life to “earn the right” to feel as shitty as I do, so I let myself get hurt on purpose, which makes me feel worse but doesn’t validate me because it’s my fault, so I let myself get hurt on purpose, which makes me feel worse but doesn’t validate me because it’s my fault, so I let myself get hurt on purpose, which-

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I’ve been less active on here because honestly I haven’t needed it as much. I’m still mentally ill and disabled and deal with intermittent episodes (which you can probably track from activity spikes lol) and generally insane but I don’t feel like a maelstrom of despair as often

like I can’t leave the house on my own or talk to people offline let alone have a job or “normal” life but I am alive. I’ve stopped self harm completely, I’m far less suicidal, I don’t get as many panic attacks, I can complete small tasks and work towards passion projects even if it’s slow and sloppy work. I don’t like myself but I don’t loathe myself the same way I used to

when I was younger I used to avoid a room for weeks after seeing a bug there. just yesterday I killed one on my own

I am never going to be healthy or neurotypical but when freed from that punishing standard of “better” I CAN improve

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I could reach out to the people that care about me for support. but I could also go completely MIA and unfairly put the onus on them to notice and reach out and then feel worse when they don’t immediately psychically intuit I’m doing bad

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Me, age 12, googling "how to help suicidal people" so my friends don't kill themselves: I’m going to get a good grade in therapy, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve,

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being here on the rare occasions I actually feel fine is wild like damn this bitch is mentally ill what’s her deal (that bitch is me)

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Being both intensely lonely and petty/spiteful is a horrible combination because I go “fine then keep ignoring me I won’t say a single word until you reach out first” and then I actually will until the heat death of the universe. I can wait. I don’t have anywhere to be I’m not clawing my skin off watching you talk to other people I can wait

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I think I’ve become so depressed it’s defeated certain kinds of my anxiety. I worry about how I’m going to die or have something disastrous happen to me and my depression just goes “cool, sounds like a good time to me”. It’s like Pokemon type effectiveness but with mental illnesses

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I wish I didn’t have any need or desire for social interaction. I think everyone would be so much happier, myself included, if I just learned to be completely and totally alone