05/18/2026
in the midst of everything you are doing, you get to stop for awhile and think...what is this for? is this even worth it?
These are the moments when you disassociate from yourself in the middle of the thing you are doing and you just ask yourself, "what am I doing?" like what is this really for and the more you ponder on that thought, you are now fixated to that idea, to answer the question, but what's disappointing is the mere fact that you just cant. Despite the growing angst, inevitable annoyance...and now, you just hate yourself :)
I don't even know if this is worth continuing... as someone who knows and understands hard work itself, I just seem to question it all of now. Will the same hard work that I once thought of still be the hard work that will bring me to the life I aspire of?
I just hate the questions of: "How are you now?" "What are you up to?" and youre in the middle of it all, thriving and trying to make things happen.
I dont know if this is the pessimism in me speaking or just the truth knocking, but I will give it to the benefit of the doubt (thats the optimism peeking through) - that eventually, the effort I am doing now will make sense later in life. I will get to experience the beauty of life later because of the sacrifices and working I do now.
I will hold onto that. Despite being scary; Despite being too wishful; Despite life being so surprising. I will hold onto that small, tiny chance of life surprising in the best fucking way possible.
I will no longer spending time to heal myself but I will rather spend time experiencing things and anticipating the joy in it. There's no need to heal old scars, mend old pains, and satisfying an old self of mine. I will, rather, hope ALL the beautiful unknowns i can think of - thats how I will be spending my life from then on.
I am 26 now and yet here I am - continuously burning bridges, building walls, and losing people along the way and I just dont know why. The funny, toxic thing here is that I tell myself that life's a season and so are those people. That's the lie I tell myself. I am just worst, aint I?
hays ambot. glad to have written again. See you when I see you.