It's almost a year since my drastic choice of cutting myself to the rest of social world. Since then, I made some unusual choices as well - cut off from my drinking vices, going out almost everyday with everyone as possible, and just simply be not too available for everything and for everyone. Truth be told, I got addicted with the fleeting feelings of doing those. Maybe, it's the people-pleasing in me, but I'd be lying if I had not experience any happiness at all. However, July 21 of last year, I got home from visiting a wake. I looked at myself in the mirror... staring blankly, thinking... "Oh, Ace. What have you become?" I realized I have been everyone's person. It was so easy for me to give myself and pieces of it to people. Well, to be fair, it's my love language as well, but if there's one thing I am regretful of, is the mere fact that I can be anything but my own person. It takes so much doubt every time I think of myself. It feels like I am always working hard for people to love me and yet here I am struggling to love oneself. I am nothing but a living mediocre, irony. An empty cup always pouring.
The almost 12-month long of detoxifying, unlearning, distancing, and realizing taught and made me discover things of life and of myself. Here are those:
If there's one person that people should be taking care of and the person that knows more than anything is our own self. We must never put ourselves in the pedestal trying to please, love, and serve people without doing these favors to ourselves. In the priority list of life, our selves SHOULD and ALWAYS be included.
2. Listen to your own voice. It is speaking.
In the process and midst of constantly being to people, I have realized that I am listening to everyone's concerns and pleas but never my own. I can be the most sympathetic person in the course of narrative, giving advises to people, ensuring them that they are being listened to, but I have never done those things to myself, not until now, and the moment I did, I was shocked to the things that I have realized. I was thirsty, in fact, parched... seeking and longing for peace. I was tired. I have misconstrued happiness to be always selfless. The moment I did listen to my own voice and really spent time listening and connecting, he was hurt. Ace was hurt. Ace was lonely. Ace was never loved. He felt used. He felt left out. He felt an option...always. Bonbon is never been taken care of. Bonbon has never been a bunso but just a sibling. He is begging. He is just an innocent kid inside grew up with the idea that he has so many brothers and a sister yet he lacked guidance, love, and protection. I have never been this involved into listening to my own voice. He is truly speaking and I never listened.
3. Relationships always flourished and it can be anything even if its closing of doors or opening a new one.
As I struggle to make connections with myself, I, on the other hand, for others, was never hesitating. I just do it. It has become like a habit and as what they say, "Old habits die hard". My relationships with people has become intentional. I have lost some important relationships as well including special people in my life. Maybe I just have to suck it up and deal with it. Maybe losing them is part of not losing myself anymore. I guess? But it hurts me to be honest for seeing people that was once close with me become a stranger. I was once reminded that people in our lives are either for a reason, for a season, or they're there to stay but whichever that may be, they are part of your story. Something to be celebrated with. They are part of your becoming and to truly and continuously live, you move forward with a lesson either with them or just a memory of them.
4. The power of you and you choosing.
Remember that you always have a choice and that is a power. Do not put yourself in demise by using your power for too good or even for evil. Choose something that sets your heart in fire. Choose you always. Choose who chooses you. Remember that! The choice is in your hands. There is never in life that something that you can't make a choice with. Choose to heal, live, and never suffer. Challenges in lives are meant to be conquered, not to be a prison. If time comes for you to choose hard choices, go back to Point No. 2.
5. Life is meant to be lived.
While I realize things from my isolation, the world is too wide for me not to live. Since then, I tried working with the things I haven't explored like fitness, nature adventure, and other exciting stuff. Life itself is too limitless for us to limit ourselves of what we can and cannot experience. Go to that trail. Have coffee with your people. Run in the streets. Chase that degree. Prove yourself that you are getting closer to the life that you dreamt of. Move no matter what.
Here below are my favorite snaps from that timeframe:
