Searching for You (Part 1/4)
A/N: This is part of an ES mini-series! Potential title included “Fuck Uqzhall” courtesy of @brightpinkpeppercorn😂😂😂 along with some others of Uqzhall hate.
Warnings: angsty af, fluffy
Word count: 2,541
You can find the series masterlist here!
I woke up late and rolled over, Jake was already up for the day as his side of the bed was cold. When I checked the clock, I saw that it was already ten, I never slept in this late, but I hadn’t been sleeping well recently and Jake knew it so that’s why he let me sleep in. He didn’t press me about it, he knew I’d tell him in my own time, but I could tell he was getting worried. It had been two years since we defeated Rourke, Jake and I built that cabin on the hillside like he talked about on our honeymoon, it was perfect, our life was perfect...until now. I chewed on my lip as I got dressed, I had been agonizing for a week about how I was going to tell Jake, I couldn’t wait forever, I was just nervous! We were going to have a baby, we had talked about kids before, we both wanted them, but I wasn’t ready! I don’t really think Jake is ready either, I know that losing Mike still bothered him, even if it was getting better. He wasn’t in our little living room, and so I wandered out to the small garden we had planted, it wasn’t much, but it was ours and it was perfect. It was our little haven away from the bad memories of the Celestial, and our endearing but overbearing friends. I could see his head before I saw the rest of him, he was kneeling down probably picking something.
“Hey, Jake! Can you come here?” He didn’t move, I got closer thinking maybe he couldn’t hear me.
“Top Gun! We- I need to tell you something!” As I got closer, I saw a flash of blue, and then Jake fell forward. His back was soaked in blood.
“JAKE!” I ran towards him and found a Vaanti knife in his back, I turned him over, but it was too late, he was already dead. I began sobbing, holding Jake tight, this wasn’t the first time this had happened. Time always reset itself, that didn’t make it any easier though. I looked up and saw a familiar face staring at me, Uqzhall. No one had heard from him since the Endless died, we all thought he was gone, happy that we had picked the Endless’ ending, apparently not.
“Uqzhall! Why did you kill him? Why are you back?” He didn’t say anything at first, just held my stare as I sobbed over Jake’s lifeless body. Why hadn’t time reset yet? It was always instantaneous, a headache, and then back in the moment, seconds before.
“You lied to us for generations, you must pay for your actions.”
“Bring him back Uqzhall! I’m not responsible for the Endless and neither is Jake! She’s gone! Leave us alone!” So, he did, he ran, and I sat there holding Jake waiting and waiting. I would have given anything to be back in bed with him last night, last night had been incredible. I had been reading in bed when Jake surprised me, tossing the book out of my hands, climbing over me. I think he knew I had been worried about something and he wanted to try to ease some of that stress, pampering me and focusing all on me. It was sweet and slow, not like when we first got together, but still just as good as the first time if not better. I laid there on my side after, just a sheet covering our waists. He had hiked the sheet up, so he could run his fingertips over my leg slowly, just barely brushing my skin, his eyes hooded as he fought sleep, a lazy content smile on his face. His hair was messy, as it always was after we had sex, but it was my favorite look on him, unadulterated happiness. I focused on that moment as I cradled his cold stiff body, rocking back and forth, unable to stop the tears. He wasn’t going to die like this, I was determined to bring him back to that moment. I must have sat there for hours, the sky had grown dark, the only light the stars above us. The cool breeze coming off the water left a cold sting on my cheeks from where my tears had wet them. Something was wrong, the time loop hadn’t reset itself, I had no idea who to turn to for help. Jake was dead, he was gone, maybe Varyyn would know something. The problem was I had to get to him though, what if while I was in Elyystel Jake came back? He didn’t even know he was going to be a dad! Oh my god, now I had a baby to think about, a baby.
I wasn’t sure what scared me more, the idea that Jake might never come back or the idea that I was going to be a mom. It was times like this that I would give anything to have my own mom and dad, someone to turn to when I had no idea what to do. Jake was my only literal family, Diego and the others were the next best thing, but they were just as young and naive as me, none of them were parents yet. Parents, god I needed to stop calling myself that. I scribbled out a note for Jake that I went to go see Varyyn, hoping that this was all some nightmare and that he’d be back soon, something told me that wasn’t the case though. I packed some food and was on my way out the door when I turned around, I couldn’t leave Jake’s most prized possessions behind. I peeled his tags off of him and grabbed his jacket from our room then started the trek to Elyystel, it was a couple days journey on foot.
It was hot and humid, as it always was on La Huerta, but it seemed more intense on this journey, every morning I was waking up and already felt like death. The food I packed didn’t seem appetizing at all, I wrote it off as being nothing, and then I started puking up everything. Everything. Morning sickness? Already? Maybe it was just nerves? Again, I had a feeling that wasn’t the case though, it seemed too early for that. God, I wished more than anything that I had just sucked it up and told Jake, then maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess. I was pregnant, my husband was dead, and I had no idea how to fix it. I had to cling onto the hope that Varyyn would have answers, maybe he had more of those gemstones like the one that was in his necklace, the one that brought Jake back the very first time he died. I finally reached Elyystel by mid-day and began the trek up towards the throne room.
“Cat-a-liss!” Taari came bounding up to me on T’Kals back. I gave the boy a small smile and rubbed T’Kal’s head.
“Hey! Where’s Seraxa?” She might also have answers for me. Taari shrugged.
“What are you doing here Cat-a-liss? Where’s Jake?” He looked around hopeful and my heart shattered again, Taari loved Jake like a father. Taari and Jake always played together when we visited, begging Seraxa to let him come stay with us for a few days.
“He...um...I… he…” I struggled with how to tell Taari why I was there, tears threatening my eyes again.
“Cat-a-liss?” he looked up at me concerned and slid off T-Kal wrapping his arms around my legs in a tight hug. I lost it. I sat there on the bridge and fell to my knees as Taari held me, not understanding why I was upset, but knowing I needed a hug. It was Taari who made Jake even bring up the idea of kids, I smiled wiping my face and thinking back to that day.
************
Jake and I were in Elyystel to visit Varyyn and Diego, we often came into the city for supplies or when we wanted to see our friends. Taari spotted us as we were all leaving, headed to the Celestial.
“Cat-a-liss-es!” Jake stuck his tongue out at him playfully and Taari did it right back. I threw my head back laughing and playfully elbowed Jake for encouraging the bad behavior.
“What was that for Princess?” I rolled my eyes.
“You know exactly what that was for Top Gun.” Taari wrapped his arms around both of us before he took a step back with a big grin on his face.
“What are you doing here?”
“We’re going to go see the other catalysts. Are you staying out of trouble?” Taari got a goofy smile on his face and looked around, pretending he didn’t hear the question. That was a no.
“Can I come with?” We all shared a look, we knew Seraxa would kill us if she didn’t know Taari was with us.
“Taari, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Seraxa will want you home, we’re going to be gone a few days.” Diego said making the little boy pout.
“Will, you at least play with me then?” He gave us all his best puppy dog face, looking up at us with big pleading, watery eyes. Jake was the first to cave, the weak link.
“It wouldn’t hurt to play with the kid for a little bit.” He looked at all of us, his eyes landing on me, knowing if he stared long enough that I’d give in.
“Fine, only a little bit.” Jake grinned and Taari yanked his hand, pulling him towards the beach ahead of everyone else. Jake looked back worried about what he had gotten himself into as we laughed, following slowly behind them, catching up on what we had missed since the last time we saw each other. Diego had taken to being Vaanti royalty well, his long hair braided back, a similar crown to Varyyn’s adorning his head. He had ditched that ratty old purple button-up for traditional Vaanti clothes, it suited him well. As we meandered down to the beach, Taari had already roped Jake into chasing him around the sand, wrestling with each other. I loved seeing Jake so carefree and happy, he had struggled since Mike’s death just over a year ago. He was a very different man than when I first met him, I loved watching him grow, his walls finally crumbling, revealing the man he was today, who he had always been underneath. Diego nudged me, breaking me out of my thoughts, giving me a knowing smile.
“So, when is there going to be a baby McKenzie?” I laughed and Varyyn looked at me quizzically.
“What is funny? In the Vaanti culture, once a couple becomes one from their one year and a day together they have children if possible.” I smiled and ran a hand through my hair as Jake looked over at me and winked.
“Jake and I aren’t ready to have kids yet. We’re young, we’ve still got plenty of time. He still misses Mike; a baby would just be too much right now.” Diego raised an eyebrow at me.
“Are you sure that he’s the one who isn’t ready? Or is it maybe you who isn’t ready?” I didn’t know how to answer his question, I thought it was both. I loved Jake with all of my heart, nothing would change that, but we hadn’t talked about kids yet.
“Come on, Princess! I need some help over he-oof!” Jake got tackled to the sand again by Taari who giggled with pure delight as I scooped him off of Jake.
“Hold him down Taylor! The tickle monster is coming for him!” Taari struggled against me as Jake wiggled his fingers, getting closer and closer. I leaned in to whisper in Taari’s ear.
“I’m going to let you go, and then we’ll both get Jake. Okay?” He nodded giggling. Just as Jake got ready to strike, I let Taari go and he tickled one of Jake’s side while I got the other. Jake couldn’t fight off both of us, we overpowered him, and he fell to his knees, all of us laughing so hard we could barely breathe.
“I give up!” He got out between breaths. Taari triumphantly ran off to go after Diego and Varyyn next, Jake grabbed my waist and tackled me to the sand, hovering over me, breathing hard.
“That was a cheap move, Princess.” I grinned and leaned up to plant a soft kiss on his lips.
“You know I can’t resist the chance to tease you.” Jake chuckled and dipped his head low, his sandy hair hiding our faces.
“I love you, Taylor.”
“I love you too Jake.” He kissed me slowly, and deeply before pulling away and helping me up, aware that we had an audience.
“We should be going,” Varyyn said looking at us. Taari sighed.
“Can we play again soon Jake?” Jake grinned and ruffled Taari’s hair.
“Yeah kid, we’ll play again soon.”
“Go find Seraxa so they can come back Taari!” Diego told him, and the boy ran off to find his adoptive mom. They made the trek to the Celestial together, Jake and I took our time, strolling behind Diego and Varyyn who were caught up in a debate over Star Wars.
“What’s on your mind?” Jake had been quiet since we left the beach, his grip on my hand weak, distracted. He looked down at me and smiled, I recognized it well, it was a smile he reserved for me. The first time I saw him smile like that was when he said he loved me in the tent outside of the MASADA complex.
“You want kids, Princess?”
“Yeah, someday. Why? You’re not trying to say I look fat, are you?” I teased. He chuckled and shook his head.
“I know better than that. I just, I had fun playing with Taari today, I imagined our own little ones running around. They look like you, got both our sass and they love their mom so much.” He kissed the top of my head, but an uneasy feeling grew in my stomach.
“How long have you been thinking about this?” He shrugged.
“Not long.”
“Really? You’ve got an awful lot of details mapped out.”
“Okay. Maybe when I pictured our house on the hill, when I showed you on our honeymoon. The second I pictured a future with you I saw that. I’m terrified that I won’t be a good dad, Princess, but I know with you by my side that we’d figure it out.” He squeezed my hand.
“Maybe we can start working on that little family tonight.” His voice tickled my ear and he kissed my neck making me squirm.
“Oooor maybe we can wait. I’m not ready for kids Jake.” I saw a flash of disappointment cross his face, but he tried to hide it, my stomach dropped knowing that I was the one who disappointed him this time.
“I love you Jake, and I want a family with you. I just need some more time to wrap my head around it.” He nodded and kissed my cheek.
“You got it, Princess.”
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