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Eurovision 2016 Finale: Preview, analysis, and general whining

I WILL BE THERE ON SATURDAY SO IF YOU ARE GOING AND WANT TO MEET BEFORE, LET ME KNOW. I’m going to go to the Eurovision village thing and buy some stuff and eat around like 5 p.m.

Now, on to what is more important: what I think about a contest that I say I love and then spend months bitching about and mocking mercilessly.

This year felt different and off when compared to previous years and I am not sure WHY. Last year felt equally weighted down and depressing due to all the ballads, generic songs in English, “I guess this is cool” stage shows, etc., so I don’t know why I find this year to be so “ugh.” Before I go into a breakdown of what I think of the songs and how I rate them, followed by my predictions for the final results, I am going to sum up some of the various issues I have this year. This is connected to my semifinal one rant I posted on Wednesday so I might be repeating myself:

- The Hosting: I don’t know if it is just because I am more “exposed” to Måns and Petra but I find that they have no chemistry and look a little scared every time they have to “fill the dead air.” Måns is naturally charming so I don’t see WHY they need to have all these dumb jokes about his popularity. I don’t like Petra PERIOD but WHY do they have to force her to say AWFUL jokes about her age, relationship status, taste in men, etc. It isn’t funny. Again, maybe it is just because “my” country is hosting that I am really hard on how dumb the hosting seems. From my recent memory, I thought that Denmark was the best from the past few years? I don’t remember being too annoyed with Austria BECAUSE they actually tried to remember that not everyone in Europe speaks English. I guess this is part of the melodifestivalen “feel” that Crunchfaced Björkman wants and just ughhh...no. Just stop.

- The Stage: It was most obvious to me during Israel’s performance that Globen’s design doesn’t work on tv and I WONDER how it will seem live. I never got a good look at Malmö because we were behind the stage. The lighting is weird and you can see the stupid seats they are forced to leave empty because they would be blocked by the screen. You KNOW how to set up a stage at Friends. Just have it at fucking Friends Arena so that you can release more tickets for cheaper, fuck (lol and also so I could just take the commuter train home from nearby bUt AnYWaY...)

- The Americans - Okay, here we go. I am still processing how to describe this but they are really playing up the “haha Eurovision is weird America thinks we weird haha LOOK AT US AMERICA PAY ATTENTION TO US!!!” angle. Let me explain: I fucking love how inclusive the contest is and how it appeals to everyone who likes questionable pop music, ridiculous costumes, fun party positivity, and general awesomeness. This might be because the contest is being broadcast on American TV but they seem to be trying to appeal to a mainstream AMERICAN audience? I am really struggling to put this into words but maybe my true complaint is how they are trying to appeal to AMERICANS in the stereotypical ways. How many references do we need about how many languages USED to be sung in the Eurovision song contest. Why are they chopping out the French? Just what is this. Australia liked Eurovision without having to be force fed it. This bugs the shit out of me and I bet that some organizers will be trying to plant American flags in the audience. For fuck’s sake, why does the world need to revolve around the fucking U.S. (no offense to American viewers but there is a REASON you started watching Eurovision before any of these changes...)

- The Voting - How can we expect there to be balanced voting with the shit the Russians have ALREADY pulled? I really liked the Russian entry compared to last years so I wouldn’t MIND if he won. Azerbaijan, however, has never had a quality song - especially the year they bought the winner. I am so ANNOYED that they are changing the system AGAIN. I LIKE how long it takes to announce all the countries. It is exciting to see it being announced like that. I am already preparing myself for being annoyed tomorrow. Ugh.

And now I guess I should talk about the songs. As usual (I guess I have done this a few times so I can say that?) I am going to give my thoughts about every finalist in the running order, with a ranking from 0-10 (or whatever made up number I decide to give it) and then give a final “prediction” ranking order from last to first. The first list will be a little snark and also serious comments, but the final prediction is more of what I think will “really” happen rather than what I want to happen. Again, these are just MY thoughts. If you have a favourite and want to hold them close to your heart and scream the lyrics, go for it. Some of my favourite Eurovision songs are fucking Wolves of the Sea, Leto Svet, Shady Lady, MOUSTACHE, and the list goes on. Here it goes:

1. Belgium - Laura Tesoro “What’s the Pressure.” I said in my post last night how much I don’t like how this song begins. I guess I liked her energy but she really benefited from performing last in the semi and drawing the “number one death slot” won’t do her any favours. Upbeat but forgettable, slightly annoying rhythm, mostly forced “check out these moves guys” stage show. Rating: 4 (about average but loses points for that aggravating opening.)

2. Czech Republic - Gabriela Gunčíková “I Stand.” I thought she performed well and deserved to go to the final. That being said, drawing the second slot will drop her chances after everyone has to hear the zillion other ballads of the night. Nothing really original, standard pop ballad. She will perform well in the final but will be forgotten quick enough. Rating: 5.

3. Netherlands - Douwe Bob “Slow Down.” This has been one of those songs that has grown on me. I grew up listening to country music so this sort of pings my nostalgia. I liked his stage performance - it wasn’t overcomplicated and was generally satisfying. I don’t hate this but I don’t love it either BUT it does have the “just a little bit different so you actually can remember which country it is.” Rating: 7.

4. Azerbaijan - Samra “Miracle.” She SINGS WITH HER TEETH. I have so many problems with Azerbaijan being in the contest. I was so pissed when they won and even MORE pissed whenever they get points from other countries “mysteriously.” This song tries to be catchy but the English ends up making NO sense - I keep hearing “mirror” rather than “mira” for instance. They have never performed a song that wasn’t in English. She’ll end up finishing high no matter what so...Rating: 2 (not even annoying enough to be memorable.)

5. Hungary - Freddie “Pioneer.” I keep forgetting this song exists. It isn’t a bad song and he performed really well in the semifinal? It reminds me a little of Armenia’s from 2014. I guess he’s good looking and had that strange tunic shirt thing? Rating: 6.

6. Italy - Rancesca Michielin “No Degree of Separation.” This feels like a standard Italian entry (or standard non-UK Big 5 in general). The song builds nicely and the chorus blends nicely between Italian and English (not like “Dancing in the Rain” from Spain, ugh.) Again, we only got to hear a little of her performance so it is hard to tell how well she will do live but points for having most of the song not be in English. Rating: 6.

7. Israel - Hovi Star “Made of Stars.” THIS ISN’T GOLDEN BOY AGAIN SO I HATE IT!!!! (ahem) Anyway, I lovvvedddd last year’s from Israel so much it was hard to get excited for a ballad BUT the song has grown on me. He sang really well in the semis. I enjoy the echoing vocals, integrating with the piano-driven arrangement (I am wishing they had the piano on stage?) Rating: 7 (minus one for not being Golden Boy again).

8. Bulgaria - Polis Genova “If Love Was a Crime.” TAKE AWAY THAT STUPID BEGINNING SQUEEKY ALIEN THING AND I WOULD LOVE THIS SONG. Her outfit was so rad and I liked the dancing. I loveeee the Bulgarian chorus. But GOT I just can’t get over that “sound” at the beginning (there was this fucking Mariah Carey or Jennifer Lopez song that used that years ago that drove me NUTS so I can’t stand it now.) Rating: 7 (loses points for the baby alien voice of the damned.)

9. Sweden - Frans “If I Were Sorry.” I have been complaining about how much I hate this since FEBRUARY. I rarely cheer against Sweden but fuck this little bland rat-faced fucker. He has the charisma of a teenager pretending to mop up the bathroom at McDonalds so he can avoid going back to the greased-based hell of the kitchen. His dead eyes stare into my soul and try to drain my life force. I want Sweden to win and tie Ireland’s record but not with this fucking dog shit Justin Bieber garbage. Just.Why. This fucking kid needs to fuck off and get kicked in the head by Zlatan. Garbage. Plugging my ears on Saturday because I don’t want to be reminded that this touque-wearing little bastard is some how going to be cheered and cooed over. I hate this song so much and hate the performer even more. Rating: -1,000,000 (I’ll show YOU who’s sorry...)

10. Germany - Jamie-Lee “Ghost.” This is like Satellite but also not? The chorus is fairly catchy and I like the lyrics for the most part. But I just sort of shrug at this one. This just gets caught up in the “female singer singing sort of ballad that’s not really that bad but not really good” meh-o-metre. Rating: 4.

11. France - Amir “Jai cherché.” There were only TWO (well two and a half but I’ll get to that later) songs that, when I heard them first, I thought “Yes. This can win.” I fucking LOVE this song. I love it from start to finish. I am worried that he won’t win since he is dropping in the odds but hopefully a strong performance in the final can bring this around. The chorus not being in French isn’t that abrupt and it transitions well. Rating: 10.

12. Poland - Michał Szpak “Colour of Your Life.” Oh Poland, Poland, Poland. I normally vote for either Poland or Ukraine for heritage reasons (or at least throw one or two votes their way if I don’t really like the song and want to focus on voting for something I REALLY enjoy. I loved "My Słowianie” because it was soooo EVERYTHING.) But this is such a slow and plodding song and it really bothers me with how Life/Love seems to get garbled up. This has sort of a Phil Collins feel to it so I am all sorts of sleepy after hearing this. If I manage to actually vote during the final, I will throw him one vote. Shrug. Rating: 4.

13. Australia - Dami Im “Sound of Silence.” This is the “half” song I brought up in the French commentary. When I first heard this, I thought “okay this has half a chance compared to the others.” I thought she did OKAY during her semifinal but I wasn’t blown away - she looked uncomfortable in that cloud/panty shot dress and couldn’t really move? I have really been thinking about this one and have actually started to like this one less over time. I am also a little on the fence about letting Australia participate every year. It felt so special last year and the song was pretty rad. This one is a little less memorable but generally falling on my give-a-shit-metre. Rating: 6 (was originally an 8).

14. Cyprus - Minus One “Alter Ego.” This one surprised me by getting to finals. I like this song and thought they did well in the semi. This is a fun “concert” song (EXCEPT FOR THAT FUCKING HOWL PART, I HATE THAT.) Like I GET why they need the howl since the song is about an alter ego but just ugh. Of the semi-crappy rock songs this year, I hated this one the least. Rating: 4 (would have been 5 if they didn’t have that howl thing.)

15. Serbia - Sanja Vučić ZAA “Goodbye (Shelter.)” This is another one of those songs I need to listen to again to remind myself what it sounds like. It is another standard forgettable balad. I guess I enjoyed the stage performance but I didn’t think she was that strong or weak (except for that high note, yikes.) Rating: 4.

16. Lithuania - Donny Montell “I’ve Been Waiting for This Night.” This is my favourite song from the “Baltic Boys.” I think he also performed the best in the semis. I generally like dramatic songs that build and get bigger over time. I think this is also a pretty cute love song. I’m not sure this will get put on a regular playlist of mine but I generally enjoy this song. Rating: 7.

17. Croatia - Nina Kraljić “Lighthouse.” I am legitimately sad that we won’t see the clash of an Ice Breaker and a Lighthouse. I thought she did well enough in the semifinal. I like her voice and the theme of the song. But again, this is a year rich in “semi-ok female vocalists” so she probably won’t finish all that high. Rating: 6.

18. Russia - Sergey Lazarev “You Are the Only One.” I sometimes feel “bad” when I think about liking a song from Russia BUT this is the best song of the contest and the stage show was epic (once they got past that wing thing.) If he nails it all in the final, this will win. I love listening to this just as much as France. I am glad the songs are just a little different in that way so I can enjoy whichever wins for different reason. I can’t wait to see this live (I probably will vote for France though, since Russia seems like a lock?) Rating: 10.

19. Spain - Barei “Say Yay!” I am interested in hearing this live. I am sort of neutral on this song. It sounds like the response song to Finland’s - oddly familiar but not the same (”Sing it away yay yay...”). Reminds me a little of Germany’s too: standard “Big 5″ trying a little harder than the others but not THAT much. Rating: 5.

20. Latvia - Justs “Heartbeat.” I liked Estonia’s better than this (if they swapped semis Estonia would have probably went to the final and Latvia not.) I don’t really like this song? His performance was also a little too much “trying to be in a rock band but without having a rock band behind you.” The song builds over time but it sort of loses me in the first half. Rating: 5.

21. Ukraine - Jamala “1944.” I have tried really hard to like this. Really, really hard. I love how she is dining in Crimean Tatar and her passion for the song. But, like I said yesterday, it is a little on the “spoken word set to music” level. Maybe if the whole thing was sung in Crimean it would SOUND better but the English seems a little abrupt and “breathy.” I wish I liked this more, but I just can’t: Rating: 7 (above average for sending something not entirely in English.)

22. Malta - Ira Losco “Walk on Water.” Another one of those “just what is she trying to sing?” songs. This is one of the few songs that actually has started to annoy me. Like the problem I had with the lyrics in “Miracle”, the “waaaatter” part sounds like “walk a waaaaay” to me. I thought she was also drowned out by her back-up singers (Molly, ugh.) Too many things I don’t like here. Rating. 4.

23. Georgia - Nika Kocharov and Young Georgian Lolitaz “Mightnight Gold.” There are few songs (other than Sweden) this year that I hate and this is one that has really gotten on my nerves over my time listening to the soundtrack. I hate the random lyrics and the annoying stage show and decidedly uncharismatic band just pushed it over the top. Snore. Rating. 1.

24. Austria - Zoë “Loin d’ici.” The little cute song that could. She looked so HAPPY to be sining on stage and was so adorable. An entire song not sung in English too. And such fun lyrics and catchy tune. This one warms my cold, dead heart. Rating: 8.

25. United Kingdom - Joe and Jake “You’re Not Alone.” I didn’t mind listening to the recorded version of this - standard “not quite boyband” pop song. But when they showed the PREVIEW of it on the semi it seemed like a NIGHTMARE. They might just shit the bed on this one if THAT was the best clip they could get from rehearsals. Yikkeeess. Rating: 3 (would have been 6 but them singing live was from another dimension.)

26. Armenia - Iveta Mukuchyan “LoveWave.” Flag nonsense aside, I thought the stage performance and “attitude” (not to mention that weird bathing suit thing) was just BORING. Is this Eurovision or is she singing at the catwalk at the Victoria’s Secret show? And I KNOW that “song competition” people have been showing up in the contest for YEARS but how many have come from some version of the Voice this year? The song is also a mess of babbling when done live rather than sexy purring or whatever the dweebs on Sweden’s preview show said about it. I am liking this less and less by the day. You know you don’t have a talented singer when most of the song is “ooohhhhs”. Rating: 3.

Honourable mentions: Normally there are one or two (or more) songs that I enjoyed in one way or another that missed getting to the finals. I guess this year I have to say that I am not really going to MISS these songs but I am still upset about Romania’s treatment. The debt didn’t show up overnight - and they are members until June. Don’t treat the artist like that. If Eurovision was really about “coming together” they would let Ovidiu Anton sing INSTEAD of fucking Justin Timberlake as the between act for the finale. My heart also goes out to the other Nordic countries. Their songs weren’t better or worse than the songs that qualified (and although it was a little rip-offy I am surprised about Iceland. And Norway’s was different and amusing enough?) Finland, Estonia and Denmark were also not that AWFUL (although they had it tough live.) RIP Northern Europe, being represented by Garbage Frans.

RANKING

26. Georgia (just ughhh) 25. Czech Republic (draws a tough starting position) 24. Germany (goes without saying. Maybe they will get a vote from Austria this year???) 23. Poland (I still don’t understand how this qualified for the final) 22. Lithuania (won’t get the same quasi-Nordic boost as Latvia, plus the Russian votes will probably go to Latvia/Azerbaijan/ or ummm Austria??) 21. Cyprus (might crack the top 20 but not likely) 20. U.K (will probably finish lower because yikes..) 19. Croatia (like the UK, will probably be lower also - the Balkans don’t really block vote for each other but no countries really do that anymore...) 18. Serbia (lower or higher, depending on how she does live) 17. Hungary (if people remember he exists) 16. Azerbaijan (expect this one to finish higher also) 15. Bulgaria 14. Belgium (will probably end up lower due to the starting order and the sheer obnoxiousness of the song) 13. Latvia (buoyed by the quasi-Nordic association and Russia) 12. Austria (a little sweet surprise song.) 11. Malta (i’ve seen this ranking higher but I think she struggles live.) 10. Spain 9. Sweden (this will probably be higher but I am calling for a shock and Sweden not finishing in the top-5) 8. Italy (could probably swap places with Spain) 7. Netherlands (a real wildcard - will probably be lower but he has some charm - essentially this can be swapped with Sweden, I guess) 6. Israel 5. Armenia (for reasons I don’t understand) 4. Australia 3. Ukraine 2. France 1. Russia (although I’d rather it be France)

SO THERE IT IS. If I make it home alive from Stockholm, I’ll go through and see how well my predictions match up. See you all from Stockholm on Saturday! Tomorrow is the last Eurovision we will get for a year so LET’S HOPE FOR THE BEST!

#eurovision 2016 #eurovision #escsc #esc16 #predictions #go to hell frans

Eurovision 2016 Finale: Preview, analysis, and general whining

I WILL BE THERE ON SATURDAY SO IF YOU ARE GOING AND WANT TO MEET BEFORE, LET ME KNOW. I’m going to go to the Eurovision village thing and buy some stuff and eat around like 5 p.m.

Now, on to what is more important: what I think about a contest that I say I love and then spend months bitching about and mocking mercilessly.

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#eurovision 2016 #eurovision #escsc #esc16 #predictions #go to hell frans

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