We would love to hear more about being a "system of zero" - is it related to ur Buddhism? It sounds v interesting
Kind of? Its one of those things that I think is something that happened and is the best way of describing our experience as it just kind of innately formed, but our Buddhist perspective made it so we were 100% okay with it and 0% motivated to change it
I talk a little more about it in depth here and here, but full fusion into what we call "Feathers" is different from how we've experienced fusion in the past in the sense that past fusions (while we were still dissociative enough to have it be a CDD diagnosis level) usually eventually form a sense of self, identity, and what not; they would hold their fused parts identities but then there would be this third blend that had a name and traits about them that they'd identify with and that would be a lot more "this is [insert part] and they are easy to define with [traits and core beliefs about self and what not]".
XIV 2.0 was a somewhat temperamental, combative and abrupt but also very good at understanding, listening, and caring; he was very anti-america and pretty anarcho-communist in ideals (different in practice but).
Riku TM was very sociable, a bit of a martyr complex, very knowledge and curiosity driven, chronically and sometimes toxically optimistic / positive; seemingly likable and sociable but also somehow less authentically compassionate and understanding than XIV against most awareness.
Those sorts of descriptions felt very easy to make and they developed this concept of self that each individual part had and held onto about what made them, well them. They meant a lot to each of those parts and honestly, they still mean a lot to a lot of those parts when we choose to engage specifically in one of those lens. There's the whole person vs parts language, and for us, they're entirely synonymous beyond the context; but for the sake of discussing identity, sense of autonomy, and self in the level of "headcounts", each of those parts felt like they were a person of their own that was a part of a larger thing. There was a sense of autonomy, independence, distinction and definition to those parts. They could zoom in on themselves and find their fused-parts and if they focused they could also find those parts having that same sense; but even without doing that, Riku TM and XIV 2.0 - for example - were concepts, entities and identities that identified well... just as themselves.
Our fully fused state "Feathers" very much doesn't really have any defining personality traits or desires or labels or identity traits of really any level that we really feel strongly belong / are attached to us and nothing really gives us a sense of "that's me" or "this is what makes me me" or "these are things that I am proud of and hold close to me because I did it" or anything like that; and that include the name "Feathers".
There are things you can use to describe our fused self that we'd go "Oh yeah thats a fair description" (buddhist, generally trans, Asian American, On the Left Politically, we like birds, etc), but that acknowledgement of "yeah thats fair" comes from a very detatched observation and objective lens as we take the perspective of someone looking at us. It's very hard to argue that I'm NOT Asian American, NOT trans, NOT politically left, and NOT Buddhist when you look at how we act, so I guess we are those things.
But if you were to ask us things that really make us who we are? Eh, our existence in itself is the only thing that defines us as "Feathers". We like birds, but thats subject to change and we are okay with that. Our sense of self doesn't rely on birds, or really any personality trait or behavior or identity label. Feathers simply is Feathers and Feathers simply exists.
And as a result, there isn't really much in our life that makes us go "oh I'm me, I'm a unique and individual person, I am separate from others, I am an individual that exists in this world, I can be defined by things and I have things that truly make me Feathers rather than anyone else" other than just that I experience myself.
So I don't really identify as a person or really have an identity or sense of self - but not in the "unstable sense of self" way that is discussed clinically in some disorders like BPD, but more in the "I don't operate with that as a concept, the only thing that I do have is my existence."
Riku TM and XIV 2.0 have a sense of self, a sense of definition and seperation from not only part to part but themselves and others / the world. Feathers just... doesn't.
Feathers is an experience, a concept, a shared experience of multiple parts, but they're not really a *person* because they're not exactly this independent and autonomous thing.
It's kind of hard to explain if you aren't there, but I kind of like to think of it as like... ya know, Imma still Yongey Mingur Rinpoche's analogy from the book I'm reading because its a good analogy to the simultaneous acknowledgement of a thing existing without it really being its own independent thing
But think of the concept of "space". Most of space is empty, it doesn't really exist and it doesn't exactly do much on it's own. Its a general concept of things beyond the Earth where a lot of other things exist. Stars appear, planets appear, things move and explode and fade out of existence. The stars and planets and all that are Things, but Space is more of a Concept than a Thing. Space is made up of many impermanent pieces that pop up here and there, but space in itself is this constant binding concept that ties those impermanent pieces together. Space continues to exist regardless of the more concrete and tangible yet impermanent pieces that come and go
Similarly, my parts are like stars and planets - they are Things that are defined, more tangible and impermanent; they come like waves and sometimes they are clear as day, other times they are out of my awareness. Feathers - our fused whole - is more like Space. Its constant, always present, but hardly defined by anything other than the emptiness it has and the occasionally appearing impermanent pieces that are a part of it.
Feathers exists as a thing of its own in the way space exists as a thing of its own; yes kinda? But generally speaking, there is no real good way to define where Space Begins and Ends and thus is hard to really say that Space is a Thing of its own. You can throw definitions and things that seem to be good measures of what Space Is, but most of those things are likely more impermanent things and aspects of space; just things that seem to stand out the most and stay around the longest.
But thats all really like esoteric ramblings to really just say that Feathers doesn't exactly identify as a Thing or a Person or a Self or a Part. Feathers is just an experience and an existence and it's just the mental space / sense of self (or lack there of) that we spend a lot of time in.
So if we were to define our headcount as JUST our fused self, on one hand you could say we are a System of One, but if you wanted to be most accurate to how we feel, we are honestly a System of Zero.
And I feel like we were Just Fused Like That and because of our Buddhist background, we looked at it and went "Huh, nice, thats cool and nice, I'm perfectly fine existing like this and find no need to create any limits or definitions to this experience"
We find it very freeing and peaceful to not really identify with much of anything too seriously. Feathers is Feathers and that simplicity of self is just such a simple self to live as and live in.
Can't have identity crisises if you don't have an identity in the first place /j
