#esperthoughtht

[esperaticoax]

BLah blah blah

Im writing this for myself because jesus christ. LAZIEST week of my life. And i don't even hate it. I can't even FORCE myself to care. ALL i want to morning to night is to sit in my room and read. I know "do it even if you don't want to" "do it or you'll regret it" but I literllay JUST UGH.

There's a reason, I know. A quiet rebellion against myself. I've got so many challenging oppurtunities lined up for me. This is my last couple of weeks before shit really gets serious, it already should have. I KNOW how easy it is to mess up everything i have. Everything i coul dbe. I have GOOD chances in the future that i actually WANT and im so close to messig them up.

I wish there was a gun to my head to force me to do these things i need to. Some stakes. It feels so stupid, all of this work. Its the END of the year but i can't fuck up know. Ugh.

I want to do EVERYTHING. So much desire it's suffocating. To avoid it is my air. I need to do it. Every time i think i will i don't. How can I make this moment different from all the times i made that saem empty promise in the past. This same feeling.

This has to be the end. The end of my freedom. Not really, but mostly. That's what I dread. Every moment in the future will be a used opportunity, I'll miss THIS. Wasting time, being young. I'm still young, but i know i only will get older. But clinging to youth makes age sting sharper. I know what i need to do. I know what i want. I know what i cant. I know. But the words "i dont know" have creaked like a broken record repeating in my head. I dont know.

Its not something i can fix with one grand gesture, i know that. Telling myself "This is it, this will be when i start". Its a decision i have to make everyday. It will be hard, I'll be ready for it. I am. I can do it, I know. It's easy to forget how strong i've been before. I look at who i want to be and feel pathetic in comparison. It's so impossible, why even try. But looking at who I used to be, I know it's possible.

I can do it. Everyday I will. I mean it. Every decision. I won't quit. I'll use this to keep track. I'll study. I'll use my time wisely. I'll learn to. I can. I want to. The words feel empty know. I'll give them meaning. I've told myself this same thing 1000 times. "This time i'll to it". I wish I could say this was any different. Blind faith in a stranger, my furute self. Will they dissapoint me or make me proud. I don't know. I can hope and maybe that's enough.

[esperaticoax]

The dilema:

-start focusing now because I won’t be able to have this much free time in college

-enjoy myself while I can and rot. Trust that I will pull through in four years

[esperaticoax]

“Are you going to eat all that” you have gasoline and penis for breakfast everyday don’t touch me

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February 15 2024

Such a long day of traveling. Didn’t sleep much last night ( 1 hour! ) because I was up packing.

Our plane left at 6am so we had to leave the house even earlier. And we had a 2 hour layover.

When we got here it was still only 2pm so we took a tram ride and got stuck for like 4 minutes because of a snow storm. I had fun but my parents were freaked.

Trying to do homework at the hotel but so tired. Good day despite it all.

Travel makes my family lose patience so we were stepping on each other’s toes all day. After a nights rest we’ll be better.

[esperaticoax]

If I had super powers I would be want to pause time so could take 3 hour breaks and still finish all my work in an hour. I NEED it dude. I’m getting radiated.

[esperaticoax]

February 8 2025

(Basically the state of my room)

I have been a hopeful wreck these last two days. I've been staying up later to do work and after I finish I treat myself to 2 extra hours of watching videos about Severance... oops! I adore this show so much but I'm going to quit that habit. The new episode on Friday was a joy.

Watched La-La Land for the first time today and it was beautiful. I really appreciated the set designs, the colors always complimented the actors' costumes and the lighting.

Practiced my instrument today, more than usual. It feels good. I want to do it more than I usually do. I build it up in my head as a daunting task but it really isn't.

Finished this abysmal essay assigned by my Literature teacher. I hated every second of it but I finished!

Worked on an assignment for Spanish class.

Cleaned my room some.

Worked on an art project. The halfway is due Tuesday so I will be STAYING on that grind.

Personally, I've been thinking a lot about passion. I don't have a passion, in the way it is commonly depicted. There isn't a thing that drives me out of bed every day. There isn't something that is the only thing for me, and if I can't do it I will be unhappy. Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe not. I try to find it. But I enjoy so many things, almost equally. Who knows, I am still young. But Is youth not the time to be passionate? I don't want to wait to find a passion until it is too late. Maybe being passionate is my passion, haha. It will get easier, I know that.

[esperaticoax]

Can I sever myself when I have to write Essays?

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High School Tracking Blog

I'm making this blog with the purpose of using it as a way to keep me motivated and accountable throughout high school. I just started my second semester of freshman year and it feels like it went by so quickly. In the future when applying to colleges or feeling nostalgic, I want something I can look back on. As well, I want something to use to track my goals, achievements, and daily activities. Productivity and organization are some of the most important things to me. Recently, however, many obstacles have gotten in the way of that. I want to use this blog as a way to hold myself accountable.

Always, I want to be honest about what I did on here. I am not creating this for clout or for recognition. This is mostly a personal tool. But finding other people on here, exg. studyblr, who have the same goals is motivating. Even if I had a bad day where I didn't complete any work, I don't want to post and say I did everything I wanted to make myself feel better. This will probably be something no one ever sees, but I'm okay with that. My academics are incredibly important to me, and I put a lot of effort into maintaining my grade.

I also want to use this as a way to focus myself away from time wasters. I spend more time than I would like on youtube and other things like that. Even with the smallest amount of free time, I want to do something witht hat time instead of just wasting that time. I might post my screen time at times, as I want to lower it.

Classes

American Government

Biology

Geometry

Lit/Comp

Art

Concert Band

Physical Fitness

Spanish

Clubs and Affiliations

National Honors Society (Member)

Model United Nations (Founder and President)

Research Team (Secretary)

Fencing Academy (Member)

Art Gallery dept. (Member)

Concert band (First Chair)

Chess club (Member)

Academia

My largest academic interests are Linguistics and Mathematics. I'm going to be taking many AP classes next year and the following so I give myself time to start teaching myself the curriculum ahead of time. I also want to be consistent in thorough in studying for sat/psats. I always have troubles with studying. When I sit down to review, I don't know what to do. I already know all the material I review and it feels like a waste of time. Despite this, I will try to find time for it, and motivation.

Arts

I'm enrolled into band class, but it is not something I am very passionate about. I appreciate what it for what it is. But because it is only required for 2 years, I will not be taking it as soon as possible. I also am teaching myself guitar. I really enjoy rock music and would love to start a band. In a world where I have enough time, enough people interested, and a way to get everyone in the same place at the same time. My main track in school currently is Visual Arts, it is not the career I want to pursue. I really enjoy creating art. Graphite is something I very enjoy. Next year, I take AP art. There's a lot of summer work for that class I want to start on as soon as possible because there is many pieces in the assignment. As well, I need to practice my instrument more for band. I can tell that I am a weak link in our band department, which is very small.

Commitments

I've been hurting to make a list of everything I'm responsible for / commited to. I'm a secretary on the research team at my school. I have research to do and planning about my school credits. I contests for art I always need to be entering. I need to draw more. I have to practice a lot more. I should be doing a lot of research and prep for college and other programs. Planning for summer programs and post secondary application. Writing the essays. I have the club I started at school, MUN. Increasing the amount of members in it. Brainstorming ways to increase participation. Working on finding conferences to attend. Learning more about procedure.

As well I am learning two languages. I've been learning Spanish for 3 years and think I'm decent. I have spanish speaking family, so I can practice with them. As well I am teaching myself Russian, in contrast to Spanish which I am learning in a classroom setting. I always can be practicing those. I can always be tyding my room and keeping it cleaner. I am also writing a story. My ideal end goal woul dbe to have an animated TV series at some point in my life about this story. However, I think i will pursue it as a personal project to make a graphic novel or manga of it. I enjoy writing, but i dont want to take a creative writing class. I am also interested in music making, a family member gifted me a few pieces of equipment that I have not gotten much use out of. However, I would love to do it more. I'm sure I have countless more commitments, ones that I cannot think of at the moment. In the future, for moments like these where I cant remember all that i am tied to, I want to be able to use this blog as a steadfast reference.

Posts

I want to make a small post everyday of what I accomplished that day, highlights, lows, and any other information. Like an online diary. I may as well post intermediately of longer topics. I will probably update this post every-few months. I think this will be effective, It will be most effective if I avoid distraction of Youtube and of this site when I go online to make posts. I appreciate this.