BLah blah blah
Im writing this for myself because jesus christ. LAZIEST week of my life. And i don't even hate it. I can't even FORCE myself to care. ALL i want to morning to night is to sit in my room and read. I know "do it even if you don't want to" "do it or you'll regret it" but I literllay JUST UGH.
There's a reason, I know. A quiet rebellion against myself. I've got so many challenging oppurtunities lined up for me. This is my last couple of weeks before shit really gets serious, it already should have. I KNOW how easy it is to mess up everything i have. Everything i coul dbe. I have GOOD chances in the future that i actually WANT and im so close to messig them up.
I wish there was a gun to my head to force me to do these things i need to. Some stakes. It feels so stupid, all of this work. Its the END of the year but i can't fuck up know. Ugh.
I want to do EVERYTHING. So much desire it's suffocating. To avoid it is my air. I need to do it. Every time i think i will i don't. How can I make this moment different from all the times i made that saem empty promise in the past. This same feeling.
This has to be the end. The end of my freedom. Not really, but mostly. That's what I dread. Every moment in the future will be a used opportunity, I'll miss THIS. Wasting time, being young. I'm still young, but i know i only will get older. But clinging to youth makes age sting sharper. I know what i need to do. I know what i want. I know what i cant. I know. But the words "i dont know" have creaked like a broken record repeating in my head. I dont know.
Its not something i can fix with one grand gesture, i know that. Telling myself "This is it, this will be when i start". Its a decision i have to make everyday. It will be hard, I'll be ready for it. I am. I can do it, I know. It's easy to forget how strong i've been before. I look at who i want to be and feel pathetic in comparison. It's so impossible, why even try. But looking at who I used to be, I know it's possible.
I can do it. Everyday I will. I mean it. Every decision. I won't quit. I'll use this to keep track. I'll study. I'll use my time wisely. I'll learn to. I can. I want to. The words feel empty know. I'll give them meaning. I've told myself this same thing 1000 times. "This time i'll to it". I wish I could say this was any different. Blind faith in a stranger, my furute self. Will they dissapoint me or make me proud. I don't know. I can hope and maybe that's enough.