So I recovered from my sickness late last night.
Went into work this morning (after getting the obligatory too little sleep, 4~ hours) and the first thing that happens to me when I go to brew a big urn of coffee is that through some weird happenstance the filter gets caught in the pot, fills up with boiling coffee/water, and proceeds to spill all over my hand when I pull it out.
So I now have 2nd degree burns and bubbling/sloughing-off skin over most of my right hand/wrist.
The upside to this is actually quite wonderful. Bare with me here...it's a little strange.
My life recently has been feeling kind of tired. A little sad, a little routine, mundane, so on. I've not been fulfilling myself, my goals, I've not been really taking care of myself in a proactive way, doing things for myself, forcefully Being-into-the-world.
There is a sort of numbness that comes from this; it's relative, as I still feel elated at times, down at others, but more or less things are known, tame, considered and understood always-already. Even the thrill of mental acrobatics and soul-searching, philosophy lived and thought over, has kind of dwindled.
This is not the first time. It's somewhat familiar. And yet here intrudes the exquisite difference of this intense pain (which I am feeling as I type this, of course) that I did not want, do not want, but somehow deeply resonate with.
In maybe a stupid way, but probably just a real one, these aberrant happenings that cause pain and discord are so welcome, so enjoyable in their own recognition of living and its spectrum, that I am not upset or unhappy in the slightest. This day is so much better not despite these physical wounds, but because of them.
And it makes me think of the animalism of the past few days, being sick and sexual and ferally battling my dog.
I have been sorely lacking these 'bad' things, these violent, immoral, shitty, spontaneous things. I need more of them, and I will comport myself anew toward their axis in hopes of reintegrating some of the constitutive mystery and excitement of living that this staid and callow 'happiness' has brought along with it.