trauma. ch9 – wrong judgment.
Dara and Jiwon are ordered to spend more time together by YG sajang-nim himself. Jiwon finally learns the truth about that night.
chapter 9 - wrong judgment.
a.n. I feel bad making the characters go through such hardships and drama, I know you all want them to be happy (together or not). I initially thought of this series to have a k-drama tone to it, it might get frustrating, but I promise you I’ll try to be more light-handed and give more space for them to shine so that we can actually root for them.
[3 days before the script read-through]
「Dara's POV」
I took a sip from the cup of tea, maybe I was hoping to escape from Chae’s questions, truth was I was too embarrassed to explain the whole situation to her. How could I when I just couldn’t make sense out of it myself?
She lived at 500 thousand miles of distance from me, but her boiling rage could be felt through the cluster of pixels of our unstable videocall.
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“Just explain it to me so that I can understand it right, he literally said you tricked him into going out? Is he out of his mind? What a lunatic bastard!”, Chae nervously pet Pudding In an attempt to calm her nerves but the poor cat didn’t seem to be interested in that sudden display of affection, eager to be left on the floor.
I left the reg mug on the countertop as I whined at my phone, “I don’t know Chaerin-ah~ He literally said I did all of ‘that’ just to go with him”,
“What does he mean by ‘that’ anyways? Did you ask for explanations?”.
“I meant to ask him but we were interrupted by his manager and despite that… I don’t dare to ask him anything at this point!”.
“Unnie, you shouldn’t receive accusation without defending yourself! As if you forced him to go out with you! The nerve to accuse you like that! I told you, men only give headaches!”.
“He really looked disappointed tho…”.
“Stop defending him, you should start defending your feelings, first that selfish idiot of ji, then that opportunistic actor and now this compulsive liar of Jiwon oppa? You seem to attract bad men only”, she concluded.
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[…]
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“I told you, I predicted Jiwon oppa’s love-life will be troublesome as he’s always surrounded by women! Better stay away from men like that*”. Narae commented as she checked the colorful design the nail tech was executing.
(* //On an old tv program, an 18y/o Narae, pretended to be a shaman and predicted Eun Jiwon to always be surrounded by women, making his love life messy and troublesome.)
I glanced at the selca we shot at the tent bar, I just couldn’t take my eyes off from his eye-smile and his slightly flushed cheeks. He usually carried around a brooding look, that’s why the cheeky smirk on his face felt so much unlike him. Perhaps, that’s how the real Jiwon looked. Well, how could I know anyway? I knew nothing of him.
It seemed as if I had told him everything of me and yet, I really knew nothing of him outside his career. Our relationship was one-sided from the very start.
(//refer to chapter 3)
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“I preferred it when you didn’t even look my way”, I sighed.
For once, I thought I became mature when it came to love. For once I knew what was better for me, I knew I had to keep distances, admiring him from afar to avoid hurting myself, not to ruin the perfect image I had of him. Just like a majestic fire, I got too close and got burned.
I almost surrendered at the thought, “He must really hate me right now, doesn’t he? Was I a fool for believing there was something between the two of us?”.
Some part of me didn’t want to blame him although his scenario didn’t look any different from the disappointing ones I had experienced before. He seemed different, but then again, the other all seemed different when I first met them. “Stupid me! How come I fell for that again!”.
I finally understood that I had to give up all my feelings for him at once to protect my heart. I had to go back to admiring him as a junior. No fantasising, no assuming.
How I wished I could’ve avoided him just enough to heal my broken heart, yet he kept appearing in front of me.
Why was fate so cruel to me?
「End of POV」
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[…]
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[The day after the script read-through]
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“Come on Hyung, I promised the others you’d come”, Mino whined on the phone, working his best aegyo against an uninterested Jiwon on the other side of the line.
“Is Seungyoon-ie coming?”, he sighed before asking.
“I told you, all members are coming, we’re going to eat barbeque right after-…I’ll pay”.
Jiwon had planned a long session of World of Warcraft for the night, but his favorite junior’s insistencies and a good free meal were good enough for a change of plan.
“Send me the address”, he surrendered before closing the call.
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Jiwon lazily sat beside Mino once arrived at the Karaoke place, immediately resting his tired body on the red cushions.
“Oh no”, the hoobae thought to himself at the sight of Jiwon’s eyelids slightly closing.
“Hyung, choose something to sing while we wait for Seungyoon-ie!”, Mino quickly shoved the music book on Jiwon’s lap, he perfectly knew that he’d be capable of sleeping right there and then and there was no way in hell all four members of Winner wanted to lift his dead-weight again out of the room.
“Hi guys!”, a female voice could be heard from behind his back.
“This can’t be it”, Jiwon cursed Mino with his eyes.
“Dara unnie! You finally came!”, Jinu exhorted as he made his way to go hug her.
“I’m going”, Jiwon immediately stood up only to be stopped by Hoon’s arm, “You just got here Hyung! Where are you going?”.
He silently sighed and sat down again,“Why didn’t you tell me she was coming too?”, Jiwon lightly slapped Mino’s arm with the back of his hand to catch his attention. He wasn’t ready to face her, not when he had such mixed feelings in her regards.
Mino tilted his head, “Eh? Why? Is anything wrong?”.
“No, nothing”, Jiwon’s expression was gloomier than ever.
He secretly threw a glance at her. She looked melancholic, no matter how much she tried to conceal it around Winner.
“Dara Nuna? Is everything ok? Why the pouty face?”, Jinu didn’t take long to actually notice, he wasn’t her cherished dongsaeng for no reason.
“Huh? Did YG sajang-nim scold you?”.
“N-no it’s nothing like that, I’m okay, I swear you guys! Come on let’s sing”.
Jiwon glanced at her for a second too long, she sure sucked at concealing her true feelings.
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[…]
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[Jiwon’s solo mv shooting – DAY1]
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“You clearly told me about your feelings the other day, since we’re professionals let’s just pretend it never happened and get it over with. I won’t bother you anymore so don’t get in my way either”.
The coldness in her tone took Jiwon by surprise, there was something different about her that day. It seemed as if he could see his own self reflected onto her. Cold, unreachable, stoic. Being on the receiving end sure felt hurtful.
How could such a phrase be told by her gentle cherry pink lips? The melancholic expression he had seen on her at the karaoke room completely vanished, replaced by an emotionless glance that somehow felt aggressive.
“Sure”, he pierced her through with the same energy but that didn’t seem to faze her at all.
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“CUT! That didn’t seem right, let’s do it again!”.
The stylist hurriedly fixed their hair before disappearing behind the film director.
“Ok, now get closer, slowly!”.
Jiwon cupped Dara’s cheek, shifting his weight on his right hand as he carefully descended into the velvety couch she was laying on. Their eyes met for a few seconds before Dara panicked, scattering her attention anywhere but on Jiwon.
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“CUT!”, film director Kim yelled.
The managers looked at each other, concerned by the grim expression on Mr. Kim’s face.
“This is no good, why can’t I feel the chemistry between the two leads? When you interact, I feel uncomfortable too!”.
“I apologize, Director Kim! I’ll try harder!”, Dara quickly bowed with her head.
“Let’s switch to the individual shots, quicky!”.
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[...]
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Director Kim trapped the managers in an empty spot of the set.
“Dohyun-ssi, Wonjun-ssi, I’ve called you here because I think we made a mistake casting Miss Sandara for the female role, I thought Mr. Yang chose her because of their strong affinity but it just feels like they’re worse than enemies on screen! This won’t work, we need to recast someone else, I won’t put up with this again!”.
“Mr. Kim, I wish I could avoid putting you in an uncomfortable spot but… please look at this”, Dohyun raised his phone, showing the main Naver page, his gaze purposely avoiding the director’s.
“Sandara Park confirmed an appearance on Eun Jiwon’s solo M/V”
“Huh? This is not good, this is terrible! I need have a serious talk with Mr. Yang!”.
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[…]
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「Dara's POV」
I couldn’t believe YG Sajang-nim actually convoked me to the 7th floor with him.
I glimpsed at President Yang: the moment he adjusted his old gray cap right after crossing his legs I knew I would be nagged at.
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“Dara-yah, I thought you were excited to finally work with Jiwon, then why did the director have to complain to me?”.
“I’m sorry president, I’ll try my best”.
“What’s the problem? You don’t like each other? Why are you seated so far apart from one another?”.
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maybe because he makes every cell in my body uncomfortable, but I can’t really say that aloud, can I?
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We exchanged guilty looks and proceeded to silently scoot a bit towards the center of the long sofa that ran through the CEO’s office.
“The scenes looked fine to me though”. Jiwon interjected, scratching the back of his head as he leaned back onto the seat.
“Fine is not enough. If we want this promotion to work it’ll need to look like you two are very close, that’s why I decided to take action with your respective managers”.
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Dohyun rarely had me wondering about his whereabouts, lately he had been fixing my schedule without informing me, that’s how he agreed to my appearance in Jiwon’s MV without my approval.
-
I nervously started fidgeting, “What do you mean by that President Yang?”.
“They’ll arrange you to participate on the same shows so that you’ll have the time to know one another, become comfortable and also make some public appearance, the shows will air right before and right after the release of Jiwon’s solo album, to increase the public’s interest”.
“I-is that really necessary Mr. President?”, he objected.
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as if I wanted to spend any more time with you, Mr. Precious.
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“It wouldn’t have been if you had worked harder on your affinity on screen, but you two left me no choice, It’s decided”.
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And at that moment I realized, I was done for.
「End of POV」
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[…]
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[The day of Sechskies’ concert]
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“Dara-yah! I didn’t know you came, why didn’t you tell me?”. Suwon immediately sprinted towards the disguised Sandara, the white mask covered her features well and yet- you could really tell her identity because of her unique timid demeanour.
“She’s here too? When will she stop appearing before my very eyes? This is becoming ridiculous”, Jiwon thought as he rolled his eyes away from her image reflected on the mirror right in front of him.
“Was she forced to come here too because the CEO asked us to spend more time together?”. Jiwon couldn’t help but quietly huff alone at the hair-styling station while all the other members and staff were busy smothering Sandara with attention.
“This is the first time I pre-order a ticket by myself, I wasn’t sure how it worked so I waited to tell you, in case the purchase didn’t go through”, she chuckled, slightly embarrassed at her own computer illiteracy.
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“What? She did it by herself? No way”, Jiwon continued to silently judge her.
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“Why haven’t you contacted me? The staff would’ve provided you with a VIP ticket for free”, Suwon pointed out after helping her carry a basket to the glass tabletop in the middle of the waiting room.
“It was difficult, but I really wanted to support Sechskies since it’s your last concert for the tour, and also- I’ve recently visited the Philippines, so I decided to bring you something to snack on!”.
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“Does she ever stop smiling like that? Aren’t her cheeks sore?”, he unknowingly found himself scrutinizing her, all the attention was diverted onto her anyway, why bother ignoring her presence?
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Dara readily informed the staff that the big basket of Filipino delicacies was there for them to enjoy and proceeded to distribute individual paper bags to each member.
“Here”, she extended her arms and offered one to Jiwon. He glared at her straight away, not averting his gaze for a second.
Her heart was about to jump out from her chest, “Why is he staring so intensely at me?”, she was not sure if that was meant to make her uneasy or was just his way of dealing with people.
“Here you go!”, she forced a smile and immediately dropped the bag in Jiwon’s hands.
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“That’s very thoughtful of you Dara-yah, you’re the best!”, Jaeduck opened his own with anticipation, clearly moved by that simple considerate act.
Jaejin waved a yellow post-it he had just found and questioned: “Is this note supposed to be here?”.
“Oh- that! I figured a couple of encouraging words would be nice!”, she beamed warmly, making her eyes disappear in two cute half-moons.
Jiwon looked down and casually searched for the piece of paper in question amid the packets of chips and fruits, but failing to find it. His eyebrow twitched a little, why was he so bothered by it? Not that he should really care about a stupid note. But why did everyone receive one but him? Was she being petty out of revenge?
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Suwon proceeded to attentively read his: “Mine says ‘Thank you for being such a good friend, you improved a lot Suwon-Oppa, fighting!’ ”
“Oh no- don’t read it out loud! It’s embarrassing-… I’ll get going then”.
“I’ll escort you”, Jiwon suddenly stood up and closely followed behind her with a couple of pink hair rollers still attached to his black hair.
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An awkward silence wrapped the two of them as they silently walked beside one another through the venue hallways.
“You were the one who told me to get it over with. So why are you being so petty to act in such a childish way?”, he stopped in his tracks.
“Did you accompany me just to say this?”. Dara turned around to face him, glaring at him like she never did with anybody else before, “I’m tired of being accused like this, I’m going”, she turned her back on him without hesitation and crossed the door.
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“That woman is unbelievable”, a growl left Jiwon’s mouth as he angrily stomped back towards the waiting room.
“Oh- look hyung, there’s a sticky note attached to your sole”, Jaeduck pointed out as soon as Jiwon sat down at the styling station.
He lifted his shoe only to find the yellow post-it he was searching for.
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[Jiwon Oppa fighting! Congrats on your solo debut, enjoy the snacks!]
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He sighed at the sight of those supporting words. Why did she have to be so kind for? Perhaps he had a hard time accepting she was more mature than him, in fact, it seemed like he was the only one who didn’t “get over it” between the two of them.
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No, she was the cunning woman who manipulated his friend into helping her orchestrate that date.
“Was she?”, he shook his head. Of course, she was. And yet, this time Jiwon was the one at fault. He had just accused her of something she didn’t do. He felt apologetic, but how could you ask forgiveness for something so irreparable? As he said, some things are better left in pieces or you’ll get hurt fixing them.
Wasn’t that exactly what he was hoping for? That annoying woman would definitely stop bothering him. And yet, he couldn’t accept it.
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“Come on hyung~ I know you’re trying to keep it a secret, but you’re so obvious, why would you accompany her otherwise?”, Jaeduck interrupted his reflection, playfully nudging his leader to make him spill the beans.
“Suwon-ah, we need to talk”, Jiwon grabbed his member’s arm and dragged him along towards the next room.
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“YOU BASTARD TRAITOR!”. Jiwon’s voice was so powerful that it could be heard through the thick wall separating the two waiting rooms.
“Do you think they’re doing fine hyung?”. Jaeduck tilted his head at Jaejin, slightly concerned for their dear maknae.
“It’s fine as long as we’re not involved”, the rapper chuckled calmly while Jiwon’s voice got louder and louder.
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“J-jiwon hyung, you’re ruining my stage clothes…”, a droplet of sweat dribbled down Suwon’s forehead as Jiwon didn’t seem to release the grip on his collar any sooner. .
“How could you help her and set me up for that stupid date?!”.
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(//Poor Suwon-…)
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“H-help her? What are you talking about hyung?”.
“Just admit it, you bastard! We’ve known each other for 23 years old but you sold me to her!”
“Wait- are you talking about Sandara?”.
“I see you’ve stopped playing dumb Suwon”.
“I just told her to let you loosen up a bit! Why are you so mad for hyung?”, he protected his face with his arms as his last resource, ready to get beaten by the leader, “It’s not even me who sent that message, it was Jaeduck hyung!”. He didn’t hesitate to throw his hyung under the bus.
Jiwon’s fist dangerously got nearer to the maknae’s face.
“N-no Hyung! You must be mistaken, I never helped her go out with you!”, Suwon’s voice cracked under pressure.
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[after a throughout and embarrassing explanation of the events leading to the misunderstanding…]
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“How could you even believe we set you up Hyung?”.
“It’s not my fault I kept seeing you huddled up with Sandara at all times”, Jiwon protested, not even looking at him.
“I wasn’t huddled u—wait, have you been spying on us?”.
“I-it’s not like I was spying on you! You two were always in my way!”, the leader complained, scoffing at Suwon’s assumptions although they were in part true.
“You’ve become so diffident throughout the years Hyung, you always feel the need to push everyone away”, Suwon leaned on the wall behind him, a sudden sense of calm and wiseness possessing him, “She’s different, isn’t she?”, he continued.
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(//Suwon dropping truth bombs is everything we ever wanted)
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“What are you even talking about…?”, Jiwon nervously rebutted.
“You usually straighten things out with women, you’re upfront If you’re uninterested in them. With her? You even came up with a reason to despise her because you can’t accept the fact you actually like her”.
“L-like her?”, Jiwon was suddenly reminded of how intrusively her face kept appearing in his thoughts, “W-what the fuck are you even talking about?”, a weak murmur came out of his mouths, he was almost embarrassed by how non-confidently he was denying it.
“I’m sure you’ve been acting strange around her because of this”.
Suwon wasn’t wrong, he had been unkind to her, whether in his mind or verbally when she didn’t deserve any of that.
“You sure don’t know Sandara very well, she’s a good and honest person, just be kind to her from now on hyung”, he sighed.
“I-…”.
“Jiwon, Suwon? You’re on stage in 5 minutes!”.
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[…]
.
「Dara's POV」
I hurriedly got back to my seat, careful to put my disguise on not to be recognized by the fans. I was a yellowkie that day.
The huge led cubes turned fiery red were accompanied by a suspenseful beat that slowly grew, just like the anticipation of the audience.
A figure appeared at the center of the rising platform, hidden by a thick cloud of smoke. My heart skipped a beat, it seemed as if I was catapulted back into the 90s, I wasn’t Sandara Park the celebrity anymore, I felt like the sensible teenager who squirmed at Sechskies’ posters in her room in the Philippines again.
The crescendo stopped, the roaring of the crowd making itself heard. I held my breath for a second until the opening song started.
My place was among the crowd, cheering him from afar. Not on stage with him.
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♪ I’m dizzy, I’m spinning I wanna close my eyes now I’m dizzy, I’m spinning I’m getting vertigo from thinking about you ♪
[Vertigo – SECHSKIES]
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I jumped at the beat, waving the lightstick like crazy. If that was the energy I was consuming for the opening song, I wasn’t sure how could I survive the rest of the concert.
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♪ Like the TV that’s turned off We’ve ended But I’m here What am I waiting for? ♪
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“We’ve ended, but I’m here. What am I waiting for…?”.
My pace slowed, why did I relate so much with the lyrics? I shook my head to get out all of those intruding thoughts. Why was my heart even acting up?
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♪ I wanna run away but I’m at the same place every day My head is about to break from thinking of you ♪
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I wish there was a switch to turn it off. That wasn’t the right time to start thinking about him again, I just had to enjoy the show. I was there for SECHSKIES, not to feed my sadness over him.
I was left in awe, his energy was explosive. My eyes were naturally drawn to him, there was no point in denying his charisma. He was born to be a star.
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How I wished I could stand on a stage again. Just wishful thinking. Seeing him perform with such infectious energy reminded me of why I wanted to become a singer in the first place.
Seeing Sechskies perform together made me feel hopeful; no matter how lost I felt. I secretly hoped I could find my own way only to go back to sing with 2NE1.
A small teardrop of joy fell from my eyes as I kept cheering on them.
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[…]
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“Dara-yah! Did you have fun?”, Jaeduck enthusiastically asked me as he held my hands.
“Lots of it! I felt like a teenager again~ ”.
Suwon wiped away the sweat on his neck and joined the conversation.
“You’re here! I still can’t believe you managed to make it to our last concert, thank you so much for the support”.
“We’re grabbing dinner with the staff, are you coming Dara-yah?”.
“I-…”, I looked at Jiwon from a distance and squirmed, “I’ll join you next time! I have a shooting tomorrow morning”. I dismissed myself and left after a round of farewells.
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I stepped out of the elevator and caught a glimpse of my red car under the pouring rain. There it was my luck for that day. “If only I had grabbed my umbrella…”, I clutched the hoodie and pushed it onto my head, quickly accepting the idea I’d definitely get drenched wet. I sprinted towards the parking lot, careful to avoid all of the puddles in my way.
“Dara wait!”.
The sloshing sound of steps in the rain followed behind me as I slowly turned around towards the voice calling my name.
“Y-you…?”.
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