The first day of shooting ends. The contestants get closer thanks to a fun work dinner, when Dara discovers why Min looked so familiar.
• chapter 12 – sunflower.
an. i’m finally back from and endless hiatus. ngl, it’s always hard to resume writing after so long. disclaimer! I have no idea how a real tarot reading works, but I wanted to included it as i found it fun. enjoy!
Her soft panting got gradually more and more present, no matter how hard she kept it in.
“Are you okay?”. Jiwon couldn’t help but ask one more time.
“It’s you who told me… to let out the true crazy”.
“That! It’ll all be useless if you get hurt”.
“B-but!—“, Dara cut off her rebuttal as her attention shifted somewhere else; Min and Hyuk suddenly appeared beside them, quickly gaining ground over the suffering duo.
She glanced at the curly actor; her body tensed up inexplicably.
She was sure she’d seen him before, but where?
“Ugh— we HAVE to win!”, Dara whined, voicing Jiwon’s exact thoughts.
“You got this! Keep a suitable pace for you, we’ll gain ground at the next section”.
.
“T-that’s crazy! Isn’t Sandara going at a faster pace?”, Sook widened her eyes at the incredible scene.
“They seemed to comfort each other a lot, despite the unfavorable situation”.
“Isn’t that what a power duo is supposed to do?”.
.
Jiwon held onto her tight. Just how badly did she want to win to do something so reckless? Her determination felt refreshing, nonetheless. A part of him started to respect her even more.
.
“The first teams to arrive to the finish line are: Team Min-Hyuk leading, Team EunDara second and Team Goeun-Jongwon last. The other teams are automatically out!”. The large race flag waved triumphantly at the side of the line just crossed by exhausted the contestants.
.
Jiwon carefully helped himself off of Sandara’s back and immediately pulled her into a celebratory hug, both taken over a rush of sudden excitement.
“We made it!”.
They jumped up and down, screaming victory before realizing how close they actually were to each other, suddenly pulling away from the embrace with some awkwardness.
.
“You’re way stronger than me”.
The all smiley Jiwon didn’t even realize how proud he looked as he helped his partner fix her shirt.
She kissed her flexed bicep.
“I told you Hwangssabu-nim is the best! It’s all thanks to him”.
“We would’ve been eliminated if it wasn’t for you. I told you to trust my judgement”.
.
[later that day]
.
“Don’t blame me, okay? This dinner was organized last minute… I just thought you wouldn’t care about joining, afterall… you hate work dinners. What makes this one different?”, Jiwon’s manager spoke up, heaving yet another sigh of frustration towards his own client as he carefully parked the car a few metres after the anonymous restaurant.
“Nothing’s different“.
The signature flowery scent hit his nose before her small figure could even enter his vision.
.
“Oh- Jiwon oppa, you came?”. Dara’s sulk lit up into a slight smile as soon as he entered.
“Yes, Dohyun was kind enough to drive me here in a hurry”.
The watery eyes, stiff posture; Dara clearly looked upset, it was impossible for him not to notice when he was looking at her so closely.
“Are you okay?”, His voice suddenly softened. He realized he asked her that question so many times that day.
She just nodded and led the new guests to the table where the lively dinner was already taking place
.
“I must be very late, am I not?”.
Cho-PD’s face broke into a contented smile at the arrival of the precious contestant.
“You’ve finally joined us!”.
.
“I thought I was the last one to arrive”, Jiwon pointed out after looking at the empty spots beside him and Dara.
“Here we are, sorry”, the co-actors made their way towards their seats, but Jiwon wasn’t the only one who’s enthusiasm seemed to dim, Dara suddenly grew silent too.
.
“Now that everyone’s here, I wanted to grab this opportunity to thank you for coming to this dinner despite the late notice” - Cho-PD raised his glass - Let’s have a toast, to the success of this shooting!”. The crowded table followed closely, making glasses clink left and right.
.
“You still haven’t drank at all Sandara Noona!”.
“I’m okay, thank you”.
“Just one glass, come on noona!”, Hyuk insisted.
Her nervous fingers moved the shot glass away from her. “I’m not really in the mood for it”, she refused again.
Jiwon stole the soju shot, emptying it in one swift motion.
“Ahh! I’ve been missing the taste of soju lately”.
“B-but I poured it for noona..”, the actor protested in a low murmur.
.
“It’s been a pleasure to meet with you all and getting to know you more. I’ll be leaving first but we’ll meet tomorrow morning for the second part of the filming. Make sure to rest well as it will be a very physically demanding challenge, don’t go too crazy with the drinking” - He turned towards his right - “Okay Jiwon?”.
A fat laughter broke at the table but Jiwon just smirked, unbothered.
.
The fun evening continued between delicious plates of braised meat and fried meatballs.
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“Did you guys know that Jongwon-ssi knows how to do tarot readings?”.
“I’m still learning, but I do am getting better at it”. The celebrity chef humbly responded to his show partner sudden boasting.
“Wouldn’t it be fun to give it a try?”, Goeun encouraged him.
.
“Ask him if your bills are going to increase this year”.
Dohyun playfully nudged at Jiwon. The liquor was already brightening his grim mood.
.
“Come on, let’s start from Jiwon-ssi!”.
“A sunflower?”, Sechskies’ leader stared at the cards in front of him, failing to understand the link between them all.
“… that’s unexpected”, Jongweon studied what he just revealed for a moment.
“That’s the style of someone who only looks at one person. Soon, you’ll be dating”, he concluded.
“That’s nonsense, I have no luck there”.
Jiwon scoffed. Even tarot cards seemed to make a fool out of his love misfortunes.
“Is there a candidate? Or someone you’re thinking about?”.
“He has one, there is someone… “, the chef nodded.
“I have someone?”, he tilted his head.
“Someone near him”.
Jiwon’s glance naturally turned towards Dara before hanging his head low.
“Near me?! Yah! Who taught you how to read cards?”.
.
The work dinner naturally reached its end with people gradually leaving.
.
A chilly breeze awaited them outside, making Dara hold tightly onto the leather jacket she wore.
“Jiwon oppa, before you go…”, she stopped by his manager’s large car, “Thank you for giving me your lunchbox earlier”.
He desperately tried to escape her sweet gaze, “How did you?...” .
“You’re a kind-hearted guy afterall!”, her cheeks plumped up like peaches.
.
‘Jiwon, you got this, take a deep breath-‘
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“It’s nothing”, a sincere smile won over his need of pretending to be cool. There was no point in denying it.
“See you tomorrow then, we better win!”.
.
Dara quietly got to her car and in its safety the smile fleeted her expression, leaving space to bitter tears. She gripped the steering wheel so hard it hurt, before sinking her face there as the heavy emotions she tried to contain all evening got the best of her.
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[earlier that evening]
.
Cho-PD checked his phone one more time to no news.
“Jiwon’s manager still hasn’t replied. I knew I should’ve stopped them before they left! I think we should start without them at this point. Can someone call those two smoking outside?”.
“I’ll go!”, Dara gladly volunteered.
‘I must’ve seen him in that show, that must be it!’, she finally put to rest that annoying doubt of hers, excited to share this with Min.
.
The two actors stood a few meters away from the entrance. She recognized them immediately despite them having their backs turned towards the restaurant; Min’s curls were way too recognizable to be mistaken.
.
“I’ve been curious about her ever since Hyung had to suddenly get out of that club that day. She made such a pitiful scene at that party after he dumped her. See…he used to date her back then”.
.
A painful flashback came to haunt her once again. Of course Min was at the infamous YG after party with that opportunistic actor. She finally understood why the sight of him made her restless.
(refer to ch.4)
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“Hyung said it only took 3 glasses of beer to take her home, can you believe it? One can’t be so bad at drinking, she must be pretending only to cry victim after she realizes how easy she’s been”, he chuckled after taking another hit.
“Let’s offer her some, see if what Hyung said is true”,
Hyuk threw the cigarette butt on the sidewalk before stomping it off.
.
Dara quietly backed away from the entrance door but her feet wouldn’t take one more step, no matter how much she wanted to flee from that nightmare turned reality.
The illusion of the two admiring dongsaengs happily approaching her just vanished into the disgusting truth. Perhaps that’s what the rest of the industry thought of her behind the smile and pleasantries.
Dara and Jiwon are ordered to spend more time together by YG sajang-nim himself. Jiwon finally learns the truth about that night.
chapter 9 - wrong judgment.
a.n. I feel bad making the characters go through such hardships and drama, I know you all want them to be happy (together or not). I initially thought of this series to have a k-drama tone to it, it might get frustrating, but I promise you I’ll try to be more light-handed and give more space for them to shine so that we can actually root for them.
[3 days before the script read-through]
「Dara's POV」
I took a sip from the cup of tea, maybe I was hoping to escape from Chae’s questions, truth was I was too embarrassed to explain the whole situation to her. How could I when I just couldn’t make sense out of it myself?
She lived at 500 thousand miles of distance from me, but her boiling rage could be felt through the cluster of pixels of our unstable videocall.
.
“Just explain it to me so that I can understand it right, he literally said you tricked him into going out? Is he out of his mind? What a lunatic bastard!”, Chae nervously pet Pudding In an attempt to calm her nerves but the poor cat didn’t seem to be interested in that sudden display of affection, eager to be left on the floor.
I left the reg mug on the countertop as I whined at my phone, “I don’t know Chaerin-ah~ He literally said I did all of ‘that’ just to go with him”,
“What does he mean by ‘that’ anyways? Did you ask for explanations?”.
“I meant to ask him but we were interrupted by his manager and despite that… I don’t dare to ask him anything at this point!”.
“Unnie, you shouldn’t receive accusation without defending yourself! As if you forced him to go out with you! The nerve to accuse you like that! I told you, men only give headaches!”.
“He really looked disappointed tho…”.
“Stop defending him, you should start defending your feelings, first that selfish idiot of ji, then that opportunistic actor and now this compulsive liar of Jiwon oppa? You seem to attract bad men only”, she concluded.
.
[…]
.
“I told you, I predicted Jiwon oppa’s love-life will be troublesome as he’s always surrounded by women! Better stay away from men like that*”. Narae commented as she checked the colorful design the nail tech was executing.
(* //On an old tv program, an 18y/o Narae, pretended to be a shaman and predicted Eun Jiwon to always be surrounded by women, making his love life messy and troublesome.)
I glanced at the selca we shot at the tent bar, I just couldn’t take my eyes off from his eye-smile and his slightly flushed cheeks. He usually carried around a brooding look, that’s why the cheeky smirk on his face felt so much unlike him. Perhaps, that’s how the real Jiwon looked. Well, how could I know anyway? I knew nothing of him.
It seemed as if I had told him everything of me and yet, I really knew nothing of him outside his career. Our relationship was one-sided from the very start.
(//refer to chapter 3)
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“I preferred it when you didn’t even look my way”, I sighed.
For once, I thought I became mature when it came to love. For once I knew what was better for me, I knew I had to keep distances, admiring him from afar to avoid hurting myself, not to ruin the perfect image I had of him. Just like a majestic fire, I got too close and got burned.
I almost surrendered at the thought, “He must really hate me right now, doesn’t he? Was I a fool for believing there was something between the two of us?”.
Some part of me didn’t want to blame him although his scenario didn’t look any different from the disappointing ones I had experienced before. He seemed different, but then again, the other all seemed different when I first met them. “Stupid me! How come I fell for that again!”.
I finally understood that I had to give up all my feelings for him at once to protect my heart. I had to go back to admiring him as a junior. No fantasising, no assuming.
How I wished I could’ve avoided him just enough to heal my broken heart, yet he kept appearing in front of me.
Why was fate so cruel to me?
「End of POV」
.
[…]
.
[The day after the script read-through]
.
“Come on Hyung, I promised the others you’d come”, Mino whined on the phone, working his best aegyo against an uninterested Jiwon on the other side of the line.
“Is Seungyoon-ie coming?”, he sighed before asking.
“I told you, all members are coming, we’re going to eat barbeque right after-…I’ll pay”.
Jiwon had planned a long session of World of Warcraft for the night, but his favorite junior’s insistencies and a good free meal were good enough for a change of plan.
“Send me the address”, he surrendered before closing the call.
.
.
Jiwon lazily sat beside Mino once arrived at the Karaoke place, immediately resting his tired body on the red cushions.
“Oh no”, the hoobae thought to himself at the sight of Jiwon’s eyelids slightly closing.
“Hyung, choose something to sing while we wait for Seungyoon-ie!”, Mino quickly shoved the music book on Jiwon’s lap, he perfectly knew that he’d be capable of sleeping right there and then and there was no way in hell all four members of Winner wanted to lift his dead-weight again out of the room.
“Hi guys!”, a female voice could be heard from behind his back.
“This can’t be it”, Jiwon cursed Mino with his eyes.
“Dara unnie! You finally came!”, Jinu exhorted as he made his way to go hug her.
“I’m going”, Jiwon immediately stood up only to be stopped by Hoon’s arm, “You just got here Hyung! Where are you going?”.
He silently sighed and sat down again,“Why didn’t you tell me she was coming too?”, Jiwon lightly slapped Mino’s arm with the back of his hand to catch his attention. He wasn’t ready to face her, not when he had such mixed feelings in her regards.
Mino tilted his head, “Eh? Why? Is anything wrong?”.
“No, nothing”, Jiwon’s expression was gloomier than ever.
He secretly threw a glance at her. She looked melancholic, no matter how much she tried to conceal it around Winner.
“Dara Nuna? Is everything ok? Why the pouty face?”, Jinu didn’t take long to actually notice, he wasn’t her cherished dongsaeng for no reason.
“Huh? Did YG sajang-nim scold you?”.
“N-no it’s nothing like that, I’m okay, I swear you guys! Come on let’s sing”.
Jiwon glanced at her for a second too long, she sure sucked at concealing her true feelings.
.
[…]
.
[Jiwon’s solo mv shooting – DAY1]
.
“You clearly told me about your feelings the other day, since we’re professionals let’s just pretend it never happened and get it over with. I won’t bother you anymore so don’t get in my way either”.
The coldness in her tone took Jiwon by surprise, there was something different about her that day. It seemed as if he could see his own self reflected onto her. Cold, unreachable, stoic. Being on the receiving end sure felt hurtful.
How could such a phrase be told by her gentle cherry pink lips? The melancholic expression he had seen on her at the karaoke room completely vanished, replaced by an emotionless glance that somehow felt aggressive.
“Sure”, he pierced her through with the same energy but that didn’t seem to faze her at all.
.
.
“CUT! That didn’t seem right, let’s do it again!”.
The stylist hurriedly fixed their hair before disappearing behind the film director.
“Ok, now get closer, slowly!”.
Jiwon cupped Dara’s cheek, shifting his weight on his right hand as he carefully descended into the velvety couch she was laying on. Their eyes met for a few seconds before Dara panicked, scattering her attention anywhere but on Jiwon.
.
“CUT!”, film director Kim yelled.
The managers looked at each other, concerned by the grim expression on Mr. Kim’s face.
“This is no good, why can’t I feel the chemistry between the two leads? When you interact, I feel uncomfortable too!”.
“I apologize, Director Kim! I’ll try harder!”, Dara quickly bowed with her head.
“Let’s switch to the individual shots, quicky!”.
.
[...]
.
Director Kim trapped the managers in an empty spot of the set.
“Dohyun-ssi, Wonjun-ssi, I’ve called you here because I think we made a mistake casting Miss Sandara for the female role, I thought Mr. Yang chose her because of their strong affinity but it just feels like they’re worse than enemies on screen! This won’t work, we need to recast someone else, I won’t put up with this again!”.
“Mr. Kim, I wish I could avoid putting you in an uncomfortable spot but… please look at this”, Dohyun raised his phone, showing the main Naver page, his gaze purposely avoiding the director’s.
“Sandara Park confirmed an appearance on Eun Jiwon’s solo M/V”
“Huh? This is not good, this is terrible! I need have a serious talk with Mr. Yang!”.
.
[…]
.
「Dara's POV」
I couldn’t believe YG Sajang-nim actually convoked me to the 7th floor with him.
I glimpsed at President Yang: the moment he adjusted his old gray cap right after crossing his legs I knew I would be nagged at.
.
“Dara-yah, I thought you were excited to finally work with Jiwon, then why did the director have to complain to me?”.
“I’m sorry president, I’ll try my best”.
“What’s the problem? You don’t like each other? Why are you seated so far apart from one another?”.
.
maybe because he makes every cell in my body uncomfortable, but I can’t really say that aloud, can I?
.
We exchanged guilty looks and proceeded to silently scoot a bit towards the center of the long sofa that ran through the CEO’s office.
“The scenes looked fine to me though”. Jiwon interjected, scratching the back of his head as he leaned back onto the seat.
“Fine is not enough. If we want this promotion to work it’ll need to look like you two are very close, that’s why I decided to take action with your respective managers”.
.
Dohyun rarely had me wondering about his whereabouts, lately he had been fixing my schedule without informing me, that’s how he agreed to my appearance in Jiwon’s MV without my approval.
-
I nervously started fidgeting, “What do you mean by that President Yang?”.
“They’ll arrange you to participate on the same shows so that you’ll have the time to know one another, become comfortable and also make some public appearance, the shows will air right before and right after the release of Jiwon’s solo album, to increase the public’s interest”.
“I-is that really necessary Mr. President?”, he objected.
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as if I wanted to spend any more time with you, Mr. Precious.
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“It wouldn’t have been if you had worked harder on your affinity on screen, but you two left me no choice, It’s decided”.
.
And at that moment I realized, I was done for.
「End of POV」
.
[…]
.
[The day of Sechskies’ concert]
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“Dara-yah! I didn’t know you came, why didn’t you tell me?”. Suwon immediately sprinted towards the disguised Sandara, the white mask covered her features well and yet- you could really tell her identity because of her unique timid demeanour.
“She’s here too? When will she stop appearing before my very eyes? This is becoming ridiculous”, Jiwon thought as he rolled his eyes away from her image reflected on the mirror right in front of him.
“Was she forced to come here too because the CEO asked us to spend more time together?”. Jiwon couldn’t help but quietly huff alone at the hair-styling station while all the other members and staff were busy smothering Sandara with attention.
“This is the first time I pre-order a ticket by myself, I wasn’t sure how it worked so I waited to tell you, in case the purchase didn’t go through”, she chuckled, slightly embarrassed at her own computer illiteracy.
.
“What? She did it by herself? No way”, Jiwon continued to silently judge her.
.
“Why haven’t you contacted me? The staff would’ve provided you with a VIP ticket for free”, Suwon pointed out after helping her carry a basket to the glass tabletop in the middle of the waiting room.
“It was difficult, but I really wanted to support Sechskies since it’s your last concert for the tour, and also- I’ve recently visited the Philippines, so I decided to bring you something to snack on!”.
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“Does she ever stop smiling like that? Aren’t her cheeks sore?”, he unknowingly found himself scrutinizing her, all the attention was diverted onto her anyway, why bother ignoring her presence?
.
Dara readily informed the staff that the big basket of Filipino delicacies was there for them to enjoy and proceeded to distribute individual paper bags to each member.
“Here”, she extended her arms and offered one to Jiwon. He glared at her straight away, not averting his gaze for a second.
Her heart was about to jump out from her chest, “Why is he staring so intensely at me?”, she was not sure if that was meant to make her uneasy or was just his way of dealing with people.
“Here you go!”, she forced a smile and immediately dropped the bag in Jiwon’s hands.
.
“That’s very thoughtful of you Dara-yah, you’re the best!”, Jaeduck opened his own with anticipation, clearly moved by that simple considerate act.
Jaejin waved a yellow post-it he had just found and questioned: “Is this note supposed to be here?”.
“Oh- that! I figured a couple of encouraging words would be nice!”, she beamed warmly, making her eyes disappear in two cute half-moons.
Jiwon looked down and casually searched for the piece of paper in question amid the packets of chips and fruits, but failing to find it. His eyebrow twitched a little, why was he so bothered by it? Not that he should really care about a stupid note. But why did everyone receive one but him? Was she being petty out of revenge?
.
Suwon proceeded to attentively read his: “Mine says ‘Thank you for being such a good friend, you improved a lot Suwon-Oppa, fighting!’ ”
“Oh no- don’t read it out loud! It’s embarrassing-… I’ll get going then”.
“I’ll escort you”, Jiwon suddenly stood up and closely followed behind her with a couple of pink hair rollers still attached to his black hair.
.
An awkward silence wrapped the two of them as they silently walked beside one another through the venue hallways.
“You were the one who told me to get it over with. So why are you being so petty to act in such a childish way?”, he stopped in his tracks.
“Did you accompany me just to say this?”. Dara turned around to face him, glaring at him like she never did with anybody else before, “I’m tired of being accused like this, I’m going”, she turned her back on him without hesitation and crossed the door.
.
“That woman is unbelievable”, a growl left Jiwon’s mouth as he angrily stomped back towards the waiting room.
“Oh- look hyung, there’s a sticky note attached to your sole”, Jaeduck pointed out as soon as Jiwon sat down at the styling station.
He lifted his shoe only to find the yellow post-it he was searching for.
.
[Jiwon Oppa fighting! Congrats on your solo debut, enjoy the snacks!]
.
He sighed at the sight of those supporting words. Why did she have to be so kind for? Perhaps he had a hard time accepting she was more mature than him, in fact, it seemed like he was the only one who didn’t “get over it” between the two of them.
.
No, she was the cunning woman who manipulated his friend into helping her orchestrate that date.
“Was she?”, he shook his head. Of course, she was. And yet, this time Jiwon was the one at fault. He had just accused her of something she didn’t do. He felt apologetic, but how could you ask forgiveness for something so irreparable? As he said, some things are better left in pieces or you’ll get hurt fixing them.
Wasn’t that exactly what he was hoping for? That annoying woman would definitely stop bothering him. And yet, he couldn’t accept it.
.
“Come on hyung~ I know you’re trying to keep it a secret, but you’re so obvious, why would you accompany her otherwise?”, Jaeduck interrupted his reflection, playfully nudging his leader to make him spill the beans.
“Suwon-ah, we need to talk”, Jiwon grabbed his member’s arm and dragged him along towards the next room.
.
.
“YOU BASTARD TRAITOR!”. Jiwon’s voice was so powerful that it could be heard through the thick wall separating the two waiting rooms.
“Do you think they’re doing fine hyung?”. Jaeduck tilted his head at Jaejin, slightly concerned for their dear maknae.
“It’s fine as long as we’re not involved”, the rapper chuckled calmly while Jiwon’s voice got louder and louder.
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“J-jiwon hyung, you’re ruining my stage clothes…”, a droplet of sweat dribbled down Suwon’s forehead as Jiwon didn’t seem to release the grip on his collar any sooner. .
“How could you help her and set me up for that stupid date?!”.
.
(//Poor Suwon-…)
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“H-help her? What are you talking about hyung?”.
“Just admit it, you bastard! We’ve known each other for 23 years old but you sold me to her!”
“Wait- are you talking about Sandara?”.
“I see you’ve stopped playing dumb Suwon”.
“I just told her to let you loosen up a bit! Why are you so mad for hyung?”, he protected his face with his arms as his last resource, ready to get beaten by the leader, “It’s not even me who sent that message, it was Jaeduck hyung!”. He didn’t hesitate to throw his hyung under the bus.
Jiwon’s fist dangerously got nearer to the maknae’s face.
“N-no Hyung! You must be mistaken, I never helped her go out with you!”, Suwon’s voice cracked under pressure.
.
[after a throughout and embarrassing explanation of the events leading to the misunderstanding…]
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“How could you even believe we set you up Hyung?”.
“It’s not my fault I kept seeing you huddled up with Sandara at all times”, Jiwon protested, not even looking at him.
“I wasn’t huddled u—wait, have you been spying on us?”.
“I-it’s not like I was spying on you! You two were always in my way!”, the leader complained, scoffing at Suwon’s assumptions although they were in part true.
“You’ve become so diffident throughout the years Hyung, you always feel the need to push everyone away”, Suwon leaned on the wall behind him, a sudden sense of calm and wiseness possessing him, “She’s different, isn’t she?”, he continued.
.
(//Suwon dropping truth bombs is everything we ever wanted)
.
“What are you even talking about…?”, Jiwon nervously rebutted.
“You usually straighten things out with women, you’re upfront If you’re uninterested in them. With her? You even came up with a reason to despise her because you can’t accept the fact you actually like her”.
“L-like her?”, Jiwon was suddenly reminded of how intrusively her face kept appearing in his thoughts, “W-what the fuck are you even talking about?”, a weak murmur came out of his mouths, he was almost embarrassed by how non-confidently he was denying it.
“I’m sure you’ve been acting strange around her because of this”.
Suwon wasn’t wrong, he had been unkind to her, whether in his mind or verbally when she didn’t deserve any of that.
“You sure don’t know Sandara very well, she’s a good and honest person, just be kind to her from now on hyung”, he sighed.
“I-…”.
“Jiwon, Suwon? You’re on stage in 5 minutes!”.
.
[…]
.
「Dara's POV」
I hurriedly got back to my seat, careful to put my disguise on not to be recognized by the fans. I was a yellowkie that day.
The huge led cubes turned fiery red were accompanied by a suspenseful beat that slowly grew, just like the anticipation of the audience.
A figure appeared at the center of the rising platform, hidden by a thick cloud of smoke. My heart skipped a beat, it seemed as if I was catapulted back into the 90s, I wasn’t Sandara Park the celebrity anymore, I felt like the sensible teenager who squirmed at Sechskies’ posters in her room in the Philippines again.
The crescendo stopped, the roaring of the crowd making itself heard. I held my breath for a second until the opening song started.
My place was among the crowd, cheering him from afar. Not on stage with him.
.
♪ I’m dizzy, I’m spinning
I wanna close my eyes now
I’m dizzy, I’m spinning
I’m getting vertigo from thinking about you ♪
[Vertigo – SECHSKIES]
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I jumped at the beat, waving the lightstick like crazy. If that was the energy I was consuming for the opening song, I wasn’t sure how could I survive the rest of the concert.
.
♪ Like the TV that’s turned off
We’ve ended
But I’m here
What am I waiting for? ♪
.
“We’ve ended, but I’m here. What am I waiting for…?”.
My pace slowed, why did I relate so much with the lyrics? I shook my head to get out all of those intruding thoughts. Why was my heart even acting up?
.
♪ I wanna run away but I’m at the same place every day
My head is about to break from thinking of you ♪
.
I wish there was a switch to turn it off. That wasn’t the right time to start thinking about him again, I just had to enjoy the show. I was there for SECHSKIES, not to feed my sadness over him.
I was left in awe, his energy was explosive. My eyes were naturally drawn to him, there was no point in denying his charisma. He was born to be a star.
.
How I wished I could stand on a stage again. Just wishful thinking. Seeing him perform with such infectious energy reminded me of why I wanted to become a singer in the first place.
Seeing Sechskies perform together made me feel hopeful; no matter how lost I felt. I secretly hoped I could find my own way only to go back to sing with 2NE1.
A small teardrop of joy fell from my eyes as I kept cheering on them.
.
[…]
.
“Dara-yah! Did you have fun?”, Jaeduck enthusiastically asked me as he held my hands.
“Lots of it! I felt like a teenager again~ ”.
Suwon wiped away the sweat on his neck and joined the conversation.
“You’re here! I still can’t believe you managed to make it to our last concert, thank you so much for the support”.
“We’re grabbing dinner with the staff, are you coming Dara-yah?”.
“I-…”, I looked at Jiwon from a distance and squirmed, “I’ll join you next time! I have a shooting tomorrow morning”. I dismissed myself and left after a round of farewells.
.
.
I stepped out of the elevator and caught a glimpse of my red car under the pouring rain. There it was my luck for that day. “If only I had grabbed my umbrella…”, I clutched the hoodie and pushed it onto my head, quickly accepting the idea I’d definitely get drenched wet. I sprinted towards the parking lot, careful to avoid all of the puddles in my way.
“Dara wait!”.
The sloshing sound of steps in the rain followed behind me as I slowly turned around towards the voice calling my name.
Dara reluctantly approves the sensual mv script for Jiwon's new mv while he is lead to temptation by Mihyun.
• chapter 8 – messing with my head.
A couple of necklaces dangle from his neck, the cold metal slightly grazes her skin; that’s how close they are. He caresses her face, slowly pulling in for a passionate kiss. Her delicate hand travels up his shirt, tugging on it as the kiss deepens. The red led shines on their skin, showing fragments of their figure’s silhouette, slowly intertwining.
.
“How is it?”, the film director’s eyes shined with excitement and anticipation.
“Isn’t this… a bit too sensual?”, Wonjun argued, sensing Dara’s growing discomfort as the screenplay was being read.
“Well. This is the tamer of scripts we wrote for the music video”. Mr. Kim raised an eyebrow; he absolutely adored working with idols’ out of the world visuals but hated to compromise his artistic vision to fit their image. Explicit scenes were a no-no, ultimately limiting his creativity.
Jiwon’s manager, Dohyun, interrupted their exchange – “It looks good to me, it suits the brand-new image the creative team is giving to Jiwon for his solo debut under YG”.
.
the nerve, not even participating in his own music video read-through.
.
Sandara clenched her small fist under the table, Jiwon’s absence felt so disrespectful towards the staff involved in the filming of his mv although, that way, it spared her from having to look at him.
Three days of straight-crying and numerous calls with Chaerin later she finally understood that It was time she moved on from him.
She wanted to grab all the butterflies in her stomach and throw them in the trash bin. He was just another man who’d get close only to ditch her with petty excuses.
“To do all of that, just to go out with me? That’s too much-”.
.
How foolish she felt for letting her guard down again. Wasn’t he the one who asked her to go out? Acting so precious and wanted. Years of disastrous romances taught Dara to stop giving attention to men that only confuse her. Clearing things up with him was just a waste of time.
Getting closer to him was a mistake. But no matter how much she wanted to avoid him, she was a professional. She couldn’t turn down such an opportunity because of her messy relationship with him.
“It’s great, let’s do it, Mr.Kim!”.
.
“W-what? Are you really okay with this?”, Wonjun whispered to Dara, concerned by how out of her comfort zone the shooting sounded.
“I’m a professional. It’s time for people to see a more mature Sandara Park”.
“We’ll start filming on Monday then, thank you all for participating!”.
.
[…]
.
It was late in the evening; most people would already have dinner by then. He’d probably grown roots if he stayed on that bench another extra minute. Time seemed to have passed by so slowly, he had witnessed hundreds of people passing in front of him: kids going back home from the playground, adults coming back from work.
From a distance, the hunched figure appeared to be an old man— mumbling alone about trivial matters on a park bench —but if you looked closer you could actually make up the face of a troubled middle-aged man. He wore a beige leather jacket that felt like a sacrilege to fashion, as it didn’t match his outfit, not even one bit. Perhaps he planned to make a quick trip to the grocery store and didn’t bother to dress up. Or maybe he lacked a decent fashion sense.
But why exactly was he hanging at the park with such a mismatched outfit?
.
[1-hour prior]
Mihyun fixed the curly locks at the sides of her face before pressing the buzzer to Jiwon’s apartment. Years spent obsessing over a man who didn’t even look her way culminated in that very moment. She had already surrendered at the idea that anything romantic could happen between the two of them, that’s why she opted to offer him something else, something he probably yearned for.
She almost lost count of how many attempts it took her to finally get him to agree to her proposal, but that time it was different, he finally gave in.
It’s not as if she hadn’t tried her hardest to move on from him, it’s just that every other man she dated felt like a distraction from what her heart ultimately desired.
.
“How can you be so unlucky in the love department? Did you dump this guy too?”.
“Is it because you still love him?”.
“You can’t get his heart, so you’ll settle for this?”.
.
Her closest friends had tried to warn her, but she didn’t care about other’s opinions. Either it was an unhealthy obsession or unconditional love, she was going for it.
.
“Come up Gilme-yah”.
Jiwon’s voice through the intercom made her squirm, a smirk appearing on her luscious red lips at the thought of what could happen once she’d enter his apartment.
She finally made it.
.
Mihyun placed her black boots next to the sneakers messily thrown on the floor and proceeded to wear the only extra pair of slippers he kept on the shoe rack. Jiwon didn’t even bother to hide his obvious habit of not inviting people over, she knew that very well, she had known him for so long, yet entering his apartment was a privilege only a few chosen ones had.
A white Pomeranian dog hurriedly ran towards the entrance, restlessly barking and jumping non-stop at Mihyun’s feet, like a true guard dog.
“Lucy-yah! Stop! Come here!”.
Jiwon arrived in the nick of time, picking up Lucy before she could bite the hand of the clueless woman.
“Sorry about that, I’ve never seen her so upset before”. He drew Lucy to his chest, relaxing her with a couple of soft strokes on the shiny fur.
“She must be jealous of me, huh?”, Mihyun chuckled, observing the Pomeranian enjoying her owner’s affection. 1-0 to Lucy.
“Lucy’s not used to visitors, that must be it— “. He placed the dog in a separate room. “Be a good girl and wait for me”, he whispered to her and carefully closed the door.
“Sorry, I just got home from filming a show- Anyways, do you want something to drink?”.
“Actually, I brought this, Oppa”. She raised a wine bag, she had spent 3 hours selecting the perfect bottle for their meeting.
“What’s with the wine? Is it a special occasion?”. He reached for a couple of crystal glasses at the very back of the kitchen cabinet.
“Don’t play dumb, Oppa”, she tucked her hair out of her face, “It’s to set the mood”. Mihyun leaned on the countertop of the kitchen and just like a feline, carefully approached her prey.
“Eeh~ What are you talking about all of a sudden?”, Jiwon scoffed with nonchalance, as if he had forgotten about their conversation over the phone.
She proceeded to pour the Chateau Margaux. “Stop pretending that you don’t suffer being alone”. Her hand skillfully stirred the alcohol holding onto the stem of the cup.
“What’s up with you today?”. His ears became red without notice. Something was odd about her that day. The person in front of him was no longer his dear friend, she was now an alluring woman.
“We can keep each other company, we both win in the end”. She slowly downed her cup, the red liquid now flowing in her system. The distance between the two of them dangerously shortening, step by step.
“You’re a man after all”. She whispered in his ear and then placed the hand on his chest, locking eyes with a slightly flustered Jiwon. The non-existence space between their bodies gave no room for any doubt. This time there were no excuses, no trace of alcohol could be found in his bloodstreams. All their actions were perfectly intentional.
She locked her arms behind his neck, slowly pulling in for a kiss.
Gilme was a charismatic woman, a beautiful one at that. Who would decline her offer? He had desires too. Their lips were messily crushed together, a rush of passion overtaking their minds. The cold atmosphere in Eun’s flat suddenly rising in temperature every second that passed.
Was that the warmth of a woman he craved for so long? He had almost forgotten how it felt.
Jiwon cupped her cheek, shifting his left hand on her waist, guiding her to the living room. Their bodies gradually sank in the leather couch, their touches getting more urgent and aggressive. Her red lips soon reached Jiwon’s exposed neck, sucking and biting on his tan skin, making soft growls leave him.
Why, when he closed his eye, he could faintly see the cherry pink lips of another woman. Why was he thinking about her at that moment?
It all felt extremely good, but also extremely wrong.
Jiwon slowly pulled away, sitting up at the side of the couch. His eyes wouldn’t move away from the wooden floor under his feet.
“Fuck-…I can’t do it”.
“Oppa, what’s up with you all of a sudden?”.
He drowned in his palms, “It’s just that… I don’t love you”, his hands then slid in his long black hair as he heaved a sigh.
Mihyun froze. Hopelessly waiting for him for so long was an agonizing burden to carry but she never thought that being rejected could be so excruciating.
“I’m sorry for making you come here, Mihyun-ah”, his tone of voice was more serious than ever, “I’ll be out for an hour, please pick your stuff and leave before I come back”, he ordered.
“O-Oppa..”, she stuttered as he stood up and turned his back on her. Jiwon was ready to get cursed at and he wouldn’t even blame her, he felt like a real jerk.
“Is it because of your ex?”. Mihyun’s questioned him only to be left alone and ignored.
He grabbed the first jacket he found on his way out, “Make sure you close the door on the way out”, he reminded her before disappearing.
.
[...]
.
Jiwon stopped by a bench of a park a few squares from his condo, peaceful parks were usually a place where he could gather his ideas and seek clarity amidst his busy life.
His surroundings felt so chaotic but on that very bench, his thoughts finally took form. He crossed his arms. He couldn’t do anything if not make peace with his unexpected feelings.
“How come…how come…”, he kept muttering to himself.
Once again, her presence interfered with his personal life.
“You’re not a good person, but why do I keep thinking about you?”.
He saw her face, that’s why he couldn’t bring himself to do it. That annoying woman had been messing with his head for a while and she didn’t seem to stop.
Why would such a bad person occupy his every thought, why couldn’t he just throw everything away?
All those years spent in solitude convinced him that love didn’t matter, yet he just fleeted his own apartment to escape from a woman ready to please his lust, and for what? Because he had listened to his heart instead of his desires? He hated how clear his feelings were.
The soft features he saw, they weren’t his ex’s.
They were Sandara’s.
-
a.n. I'm sorry for taking so long but I've been quite busy this month. I apologize for the lack of thumbnails in the last chapters, I figured out that it was more urgent to publish the text. I'll decide if I'll reintroduce them slowly in the future, for now, I hope this update is enough to satisfy your curiosity! Thanks for following my fic and supporting me through the comments!
The more Jiwon avoids getting involved, the more he’s captured by the woman he considered just a bubbly hoobae.
characters. Eun Jiwon x Sandara Park
warnings. swearing
a.n. I’ve been working on this chapter as soon as I finished posting the previous one and I seriously had too much going on so I heavily edited it to make it more manageable.
Thanks to another poll on twitter I finally decided the title for this chapter!
“it could’ve been anyone” was the most popular choice.
chapter 3, it could’ve been anyone.
[dara pov]
The tent bar in the distance started blurring out, my vision started to spin before my very eyes. I tried hard to walk straight in front of me, in the attempt to reach Jiwon-oppa who was distanced himself to have a call with my phone.
“P-please don’t call Wonjun-ssi…”. I pleaded him, tugging the fabric on his sleeve to catch his attention.
“Wonjun-ssi? Who is he?”.
“M-mana-".
“Is he your manager?”.
“N-ne..my manager-nim… I’ll be in t-trouble and I don’t want to bother him, it’s late”.
He glanced at me, furrowing his brows. It felt as if he was debating whether to help me hide this unscheduled night outing or just call Wonjun-ssi and get over it.
Lately I started to avoid riding the company’s car, I had proof they monitored me 24/7 and it bothered me so much. I was already locked up in my flat and having them control my every movement just made me feel suffocated.
“I’ll call a cab for you then, is that okay?”.
My heart overflowed with gratitude; I couldn’t believe he’d accept to do that so readily, even going to the lengths of calling himself when I could’ve done that myself.
oppa is so kind...
He probably felt pity for me, knowing how much my manager would scold me for bothering him at this hour because I was drunk.
i’m such a bad girl huhu~
sneaking out from wonjun-ssi kekeke~
chaerin-ah, look out for the new gizibe in town!
I rubbed my eyes and tried to focus on Jiwon-oppa’s figure.
“Yes, we’re in the street in front of the market”. He gave instructions on the phone.
why is everything moving in front of me?
I could swear I was standing perfectly still but, If I closed my eyes, I’d be almost sure to be the passenger on a rocky boat ride.
“A-ah!”. I tripped onto seemingly nothing and crashed against Jiwon-oppa, who immediately held onto me.
My face slammed onto his chest; I couldn’t help but inhale the musky cologne he wore, as I buried my face in his hoodie.
♥ kung kung kung kung kung kung ♥
His heart beat incredibly fast, I could hear it pounding in my ears. Anything else muted as I focused on the sound hammering in his chest.
omo? what am I doing?
why am I being like this?
i shouldn’t fall for him
don't fall for him dara.
just don’t.
I swallowed up, the soju still intoxicating my body. I knew that the liquor gave me the courage I honestly didn’t want to possess.
I hated falling so hard for him when he didn’t even look at me.
I hated the fact that he gave me courage.
don't be a fool.
The guilt I felt for making him feel uncomfortable because of my stupid feelings. But then again, why did he invite me out if he wanted to avoid me so bad?
What if he was yet another man to play with my innocence?
Guilt, sadness, rage and soju mixed up inside my stomach, coming out of my mouth as incomprehensible murmurs as I tugged on his hoodie.
I’m so foolish, please forgive me.
I’m so foolish for falling for someone who doesn’t even look at me.
“I-I’m sorry Jiwon-oppa…”. The words I locked deep down came out as I thought of them.
“W-what do you mean?”. His husky voice lurked in my ears because of our bodies being so close together.
“I’m sorry for liking you this much”.
My entire being was invested in discomfort, dizzy and dazed, my mouth moved by itself.
“I-If you don’t like me back just say it!”. I tried screaming at the top of my lungs, but the dryness in my throat prevented me from doing so. A croaky whisper came out of my lips instead, as I buried my face in his clothes even deeper, to hide my tears.
“I…”.
I slammed my fist onto his chest, one time, two times, stronger after every attempt; he did not move an inch.
“D-DON’T PLAY ME, JUST BECAUSE I LIKE YOU!”.
My fist flew in the air once again, ready to hit him out of frustration, but he swiftly blocked my arm with his right hand, holding my wrist firmly.
“w-why’d you bother me if you don’t want me...?”. I muttered under my breath.
“Stop it”.
I looked up at him, trying to find his face in the blurry mess I saw through my eyes.
“y-you s-stop playing with me…”.
My pleading was blocked by the urge to cry, tears were already spilling from my eyes, not matter how hard I tried to keep them locked away.
“That’s not it”. He stated, still holding my arm.
“THEN WHY, S-STUPID EUN CHODING! WHY WOULD-“.
Jiwon-oppa suddenly let go of my hand, pulling me into a tight embrace instead.
I could hear it again, his heart pounding like crazy, even if he looked perfectly calm.
“m-mwo…?”.
He rested his chin onto my head, caressing my back slowly, like a father that is trying to calm down his own kid.
“I’m not”. He repeated.
I broke the embrace and stepped back, still uncertain of his sincerity.
He stepped towards me, slowly, before looking away for a second and biting his lips.
what is he doing?
His hand gently cupped my cheek, his gaze slowly moving from my eyes to my scrubbed lips.
No matter how chilly that night was, his skin against mine felt feverish.
He bent down slightly, never diverting his gaze from me. His face became closer and closer towards me, I could feel his slow breathing.
.
.
-
.
.
[jiwon pov]
~ H O N K ~
The taxi driver honked, startling Sandara, who stepped back with her wobbly legs.
way to ruin the moment, huh?
It was fascinating how that girl made me lose control over my actions.
first, she makes me flee from the studio and then she brings me to kiss her when really, I wanted to reject her?
this girl is really something else.
I was debating myself whether it was the soju in my bloodstream moving my body or the hormones. Deep down I knew those were just petty excuses.
No matter how lonely and drunk I was, I never managed to do those sorts of things, even when beautiful women tempted me. I just couldn’t.
All I could see was Sooyeon’s face. Even quickly peeking at other women made me feel unfaithful, even after years and years had passed from our divorce, the moment our love withered.
That was the first time the memory I had of her didn’t interrupt me from getting closer to another women.
no way.
i'm fucking tipsy.
It may have been for the best. It would’ve been wrong to do anything since she was so wasted, I didn’t want to take advantage of Dara in that way.
I shook my head and walked towards the car while the driver slowly rolled down his window. Dara closely followed me, stumbling on her feet.
“Ok so this is the address-…”.
I instructed the taxi driver to take care of her until she arrived home safely, he nodded after I handed him a decent amount of money for the ride, he really couldn’t hide the joy on his face as soon as he reached for the bills.
“T-thank you… -“. Dara mumbled, looking at me with watery eyes.
“I trust you to go back home safely, can you do that?”.
“N-ne oppa”.
“Take care”.
The driver got out of the taxi to help her get into the backseat as I waved them goodbye. It was for the best, separating prevented me from doing anything I could regret tomorrow morning.
was I really going to kiss her?
what's gotten into me?
i must be crazy.
With the task at hand handled I started walking the other direction, wondering what time I’d be home.
I knew I had another day of recording ahead of me and drinking and smoking weren’t exactly the best preparations for that, added to the fact I was still in the centre of Seoul, 30 minutes away from my apartment.
I sighed as I headed towards the main street; I could stop a taxi from the side of the road because calling one wasn’t a choice. My phone was dead, that’s why I lent dara’s to call her a cab.
~ parararing parararing ~
“What?”.
I reached inside the pocket of my coat, grabbing the phone that was vibrating in it.
Manager-nim ~
7 missed calls.
this must be Dara’s phone.
sandara's phone.
ack- what a fool, I haven’t returned it yet.
“Aish- how could I forget that?!”. I panicked on the spot.
I was so focused calming her down that I totally forgot to give her back the phone.
I rushed back, hoping with all my being for the cab to still be there.
“AAAAAAAAH!”.
A terrorizing scream almost made me shit in my pants, stopping me in my tracks.
“What the hell is going on today?”. I thought to myself.
“STOP IT!”.
I quickly scanned the street for the source of noise, the sidewalk was deserted, all I could see were two figures in the distance.
oh no.
“DON’T TOUCH ME YOU PIG”.
It was Dara who was struggling, trying to take the driver’s disgusting hands off of her with all of her force.
I immediately bolted towards the piece of shit, my blood boiling with rage as I witnessed him wrapping his arms around her small figure.
“SON OF A BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?!”.
“I-I didn’t do a thing”. He excused himself, removing his claws from the poor girl after seeing me come back with such speed.
“PERVERT!”.
I was ready to make the fool spit his own blood, ignoring all of the consequences that would’ve come with that but Dara stepped back as soon as he released his grip on her body and slapped him so hard that the sound reverberated in all of the plaza, leaving a red mark on his cheek.
yeah.
i should remind myself not to make her angry.
The driver fell on his ass, his face badly distorted by the pain.
Shocked by the whole situation the coward crawled to his seat, starting the engine of his car and quickly leaving the scene, still holding his cheek in pain.
“GET LOST YOU BASTARD!”. I yelled like a crazy person, in the middle of the road, as the car drove away.
I turned my attention back to Dara, her body trembled as she hugged herself.
how could I leave her alone with that dirty ajhussi?
how could I do that?
I felt sorry for letting her go so easily, for letting her become a prey of the night. Had she been assaulted? Had she been molested? I wouldn’t had forgiven myself for being so reckless.
Dara dropped to the floor, crying her eyes out. Her sobbing only increased the guilt I felt.
“W-why do I always have to be men’s prey?...” she sniffled, uselessly trying to dry the tears that were cascading down her face.
She probably experienced that kind of harassment quite often. I could see why wolves would prey on such an innocent bunny. The fact she wasn’t great at drinking being another reason why she probably looked so appetizing to those animals.
had I payed attention…
had I been more careful.
i’ll become a lion and protect you.
no.
It’s not my business.
but it’s my fault…
I knelt to the ground to approach her, hesitating in patting her back. I sucked at comforting people.
I couldn’t believe I almost gave her away to a dirty bastard. I couldn’t forgive myself after seeing her break down like that.
“A-are you okay?!”.
She ignored my questions and rubbed her eyes only to get back up, wobbling towards the bus stop.
what is she trying to do?
“Hold up, I’ll call another taxi”.
“D-don’t, oppa”. Her voice was still so croaky for crying so much, both times being my fault.
“W-wait!”. I yelled, following her as she stumbled around.
She tripped on her feet, landing on her ass.
“I’ll go call another taxi, stay here, ok?”. I signaled her to stay where she was with my hand while I walked the opposite way.
She simply nodded.
I rushed to the main street, hoping that she’d be okay for the few seconds I felt her alone. A taxi approached me as I called one at the end of the sidewalk.
I instructed the cab driver to drive into the inner venue as he stopped his car near me to listen.
I then sprinted back to Dara, who was still sitting in the same spot I left her. I heaved a sigh of relief as she wasn’t kidnapped in that small window of time I didn’t check up on her.
“Come on up, grab my hand”. She extended her arm and grasped my palm, helping herself stand up again.
“What if it happens again?”, she whispered in my ear.
“That won’t happen”.
“H-how can you be so sure?”.
She looked at me with her swollen eyes.
“Because I’ll be right here”.
.
.
[…]
.
.
I kept attentive all the way, I couldn’t let any other accident happen. I was focused on the road, making sure we were going in the right direction when her head dropped on my shoulder suddenly.
I turned to look at her who fell asleep peacefully. I couldn’t wrap my head around how pretty she looked in such a vulnerable state. People usually look their worst when sleeping. The night lights illuminated her small and delicate face.
I spent the entire way trying to stay perfectly still, not to interfere with her nap, no matter how incredibly uncomfortable I felt in that position. That was the least I could do for her after making her experience such a terrible night.
.
.
[…]
.
.
A couple of turns and I saw the arcade on my left; that was the sign we were near her flat.
I looked back at her, it was so hard to bring myself to interrupt her serene slumber.
“…hey…we’re here”, I gently whispered while tapping on her shoulder to help her wake up.
.
.
[…]
.
.
The condo she lived in was a tall building, certainly fit to a celebrity. I lived in a similar structure too.
I fished out the keys out of her bag and opened the gate to the building, she held my arm tightly, trying hard to walk at my speed.
A tall guard stood by the door. He glared at me as he recognized Dara by my side.
The lobby looked like the entrance of a hotel: it wasn’t pretentious or decorated with statues and gold chandeliers, however I could tell each and every piece of furniture was very expensive. How? Just trust me.
If I leave her here, she’d be capable to sleep in the hallway.
She barely stood up by herself, i just couldn’t shake the guilt out of my body. I needed to take her to her bed myself. I wasn’t going to leave her alone again.
“32th floor”. She mumbled as we got into the elevator.
She kept resting her head on the wall; I could tell how exhausted she was. It was a miracle she was still standing on her own two feet. Or kind of.
The floor we landed on had a long-ass beige carpet running all through the hallway. I looked around, not sure If we were in an actual hotel or something.
my condo doesn’t look as nice as this tho.
Dara pointed at the last door on the right. She was so tired she barely opened her mouth since we hopped on the taxi.
I opened the door to her flat with the keys still in my hands.
She crawled inside, only to flop onto the floor. Carefully removing my shoes, I entered the apartment too, remembering to lock the door after me.
An herbal smell filled my nose, she probably had an aroma diffuser somewhere in the living room.
maybe I should get one too.
I turned on the lampstand beside her couch and helped her take off her sneakers, they were those kicks GD customized.
they sure are close, without a doubt.
I quietly looked around; somehow the interior of her flat perfectly suited dara’s bubbly personality. There were many cute displays and colorful frames all over the walls.
~ meeeow ~
A cat approached me, it looked more like a miniature tiger.
“You must be… what was your name again?”.
I paused, scratching my head and trying hard to remember her pet’s name.
“Dadoong-i? Was it Dadoong-i?”.
I knelt to the ground to scratch his head as he kept circling my leg, purring and meowing.
“I stole your owner for a couple of hours, aren’t you mad at me?”.
He kept purring, ignoring the conversation I was trying to have with him.
“You don’t understand me, right? It’s okay”. I chuckled by myself.
I knew it was incredibly rude of me to explore her house without her consent, but I couldn’t restrain myself from giving in to the curiosity.
What struck me the most was the presence of multiple frames which contained old photos of 2NE1. I could recognize some of the live performances they were taken at. I remember bumping into them on music show back in the day, when I still used to do the MC.
she probably misses those days.
“S-so hot…”. I heard her whining and turned my attention towards her. She was removing her jacket; the warmth of the alcohol probably giving her a hard time.
“Let me help you”.
I grabbed her jacket and laid it onto the side of her couch.
I looked back at her as she struggled to remove her sweater, the shirt underneath stuck to it revealed her fit belly and chest.
“W-WAIT!”. I stuttered, covering my eyes to give her privacy.
“I’m still here- don’t remove all of your clothes yet!”. I reminded her before she could actually strip.
She crawled towards me and started tugging on the sleeve of my coat. “… p-please bring me clothes”.
“E-eh? How am I supposed to find those?!”.
She slumped back onto the floor, ignoring my questions.
Resigned at my caretaker role I opened various doors in search for her bedroom or closet.
bingo.
I quietly entered the bedroom and scanned it thoroughly to find her dresser. I couldn’t help but notice the rabbit plushie laid on her bed.
“What was his name again?”.
I remembered from watching a couple 2NE1TV episodes on the tv back in the day, that bunny plushie was Dara’s favorite one.
I started opening every drawer one by one until I stumbled on some cute pink panties with a cartoon hippo on the front.
“Cute…”, I giggled.
I opened the next one only to find some red lace panties.
“U-urgh...”.
I felt my cheeks become red like tomatoes. I closed shut the drawer and brought my hands to my face to contain my embarrassment.
“W-what am I doing?”. I mumbled.
she’s a grown-ass woman, it shouldn’t be surprising if she wore stuff like this. right?!
does she wear this on a daily basis or for special occasions?
can it be that she-…?
I removed the coat and hoodie I wore as I felt sweat dribble from my forehead, my body was getting hot at those less than holy thoughts.
whoo.
what am I thinking?
I resumed my mission and opened the next drawer to find a bunch of t-shirts folded up neatly. I took a random one and immediately rushed back to the living room.
She extended her arm to grab the shirt.
“P-please turn around …".
I quickly faced the wall to give her the privacy to undress. I could hear her fumbling with her hoodie, her bracelets clinking as they touched the ground while she was removing her clothes sitting on the floor.
“Are you okay?”- I slowly turned around, still covering my face with my palms.
With the corner of my eyes I noticed the sexy line running down her slim back, as she was inserting her head in the large white tee I threw her a couple of seconds before.
I swallowed my saliva and shook my head to remove those thoughts from my head. It wasn’t right for me to have those kinds of thoughts. I was just tipsy. That was all.
“Are you good?”. I faced her again
She started shivering while staring at the slightly open window; the curtain was flowing because of the small breeze that the small gap let in.
I got up and calmly walked towards the window, closing it after checking the view of Seoul’s night that was hidden behind the white curtain.
so that’s what she admires every night before going to sleep…
“I shall go then-“. I hurriedly tried to get to the door.
“p-please…”.
She tugged on the leg on my pants, signaling to stay.
Taking care of others when they were drunk wasn’t my forte, it was usually the other way around. I was the heavy drinker of the bunch. I refused to take on the role of the sober friend who takes everyone home. It wasn’t my style at all.
what am I going to do?
The guilt for the taxi driver accident motivated me enough to stay and take care of her. I felt like it was all my fault: the sudden date, her getting too drunk, the disgusting pig driver. It was only right to check up on her for a while but part of me wanted to run out of the door as soon as possible.
i’m a wolf too.
this sudden urge to put my claws around you…
aren’t you scared?
can I really take care of you?
Dara kept shivering; her small figure trembled under the dim lampshade light.
I rushed to her room again, keeping my feet light not to disturb her, and grabbed the blanket at the end of her bed, kidnapping the bunny plushie in the process too.
Meanwhile, she climbed on the leather couch, struggling a bit. She curled up as I put the blanket over her. I decided to place the rabbit by her side, which she immediately hugged.
A slight smile appeared on her face as she snuggled up in her new sleeping spot. I sat at the end of the couch, right beside her. I couldn’t help but stare at the sleeping beauty, expecting her to come up with some ugly expression.
It was unreal, she was indeed too pretty to be sleeping so peacefully after drinking so many glasses of soju.
I peeked out of the window, wondering what I was going to do.
Was I supposed to spend the night there to look after her? Did I need to cook some hungover soup? We were barely friends, yet I entered her house. Wasn’t that so inappropriate?
I thought of Suwon, Jaeduck and Jaijin’s faces and immediately wanted to smash them for putting me in such a hard spot. They were the masterminds of that disastrous night.
fucking idiots.
It suddenly struck me.
“I don’t really like drinking”.
She mentioned it that day we ate tteobokki together on our YouTube date. I felt so dumb for remembering that statement a little too late.
she could’ve stopped me tho.
She never once refused a drink I poured her.
impossible.
can it be?
“Dara-yah, you didn’t have to do that…”.
I moved a rogue strand of hair that was dangling in front of her face out of the way, admiring how incredibly tranquil her expression was.
It looked as if she had no problems in the world.
That’s what I used to think before that night. A bubbly and carefree girl.
Who knew that a couple of drops of soju were able to unlock her worries and unexplored thoughts? In a night I had discovered the same things others found out in a year. She was a reserved person, just like me.
That night she made me hop a rollercoaster of mixed emotions.
what is even this girl?
I thought I had figured her out already.
She was just a talented hoobae, nothing more nothing less. I told myself not to get involved but there I was.
In her flat.
I brought both of my hand to my face, trying to make out the situation I was in.
“Ayt...”.
A deep sigh left my mouth, yet again.
i’m here just because she’s drunk.
what kind of man leaves a poor girl drunk on the streets?
It’s because she’s a girl, not because she’s dara.
of course. that’s why I’m here.
i’m not a heartless bastard.
It could’ve been anyone.
“Stop playing with me!”.
I could not remove her cries and pleading from my head. That’s why I wanted to avoid her in the first place. Not to disappoint her. I blamed those three pricks for trapping me in that situation.
She was begging me not to play with her feelings and yet I was so close to kissing her, even if I my purpose all night was to reject her.
really...what had gotten into me?
maybe i’m a bastard after all.
[...]
A ray of light shyly invaded the darkness of the living room, hitting my eyes.
I woke up, startled.
i must’ve passed out on the couch.
I rubbed my eyes, refusing to believe I had spent the entire night at my hoobae’s place.
fuck. what time is it?
I turned to my left; Dara was still sleeping peacefully.
I still had a hard time believing that the same girl who was yelling at me the night before was the same one sleeping so peacefully on the couch.
Ack-
The hangover was always the worst part of every drinking experience. My head felt a thousand pounds heavier just resting on my shoulder.
~ bzzzz bzzzzz bzzzzz ~
The loud buzzing of the doorbell ringed in my head like a tennis balls bouncing in an empty room.
I stood up and dragged my whole body to the entrance.
“DARA-SSI DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE CALLED YOU? HOW COME YOU DIDN’T REPLY TO NONE OF MY CALLS-…”.
huh?
A man appeared right behind the door, his brows furrowed, creating a multitude of wrinkles on his forehead.
“And who the hell are you?!”. He shouted, expecting someone else to open the door.
I stepped outside and closed the door behind me, not wanting his yells to wake up the hungover girl still sleeping on the couch.
“Why the hell are you yelling at this hour of the day?”. I whined while checking if the hallway was empty, pretty annoyed by his sudden presence.
“I’m her manager. What are you doing in her apartment?!”.
I tilted my head at the man, who kept stomping his feet. Everything sounded muffled, as if a mine had just exploded right beside me. His words came out of my ears without being registered.
“W-what are you talking about all of a sudden?”. I blurted out.
He ignored me and proceeded to quietly opened the door; probably spying on the inside of the flat only to find Dara passed out on the couch.
“What have you done to her?”. He struck me again with a fulminating gaze but all I could do was raise my eyebrow, ignoring his banters.
He got closer to me, probably sniffing my stink of alcohol mixed with Dara’s scent, it was so strong I could smell it too.
“I KNEW IT! YOU DISGUSTING ANIMALS ALWAYS LURE HER LIKE THIS!”.
“What-“.
He grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and slammed me against the door with full force.
“YOU’RE A DISGUSTING ANIMAL, LEAVE HER BE”.
“I BROUGHT HER HERE SAFELY, WHAT NON-SENSE ARE YOU SPOUTING?!”. – I defended myself.
“YOU BROUGHT HER HERE TO SATISFY YOUR DISGUSTING EGO”. The dude clenched his teeth, as the rage inside him boiled up to the limit.
“I BROUGHT HER HERE BECAUSE SHE DIDN’T WANT TO CALL YOU!”.
He slowly released his grip.
His eyes opening wide at the sudden revelation.
“W-what?”.
A look of disbelief appeared on his face as he stepped back from me.
“That’s right, why are you getting so worked up for?”.
He remained silent, still processing the information I gave him.
“Why do you care about her private life so much, anyway? Just focus on your work”.
I rolled my eyes at him, who felt betrayed by his own confidence.
“Tsk- Stay away from her”.
He shoved me aside, with his hand, making me crash against the wall on the other side.
this bastard-
He didn’t lose a second and quickly got inside the flat, locking me out of it.
this did not just happen.
for fuck’s sake.
“MY JACKET YOU BASTARD!”.
I smashed my fist onto the door repeatedly, the blood going to my head.
I dropped onto the ground as the door opened and smashed against my nose.
My coat and hoodie were thrown away out of the door.
“NOW GET LOST!”.
His annoying voice came out from behind the door before closing shut again.
.
.
p.s. this chapter is so short compared to the other ones because of me being indecisive over the plot. because of uni i’m hella busy but i’ll try to update as much as I can. thank you for being so patient, kind and also interested in my work! It’s not much but it’s fun to create something that can be enjoyable for all of you dara/jiwon/darawon stans ~
Dara rewatches her infamous confession to SECHSKIES leader Eun Jiwon. She finally decides what to do when a message ruins her plans.
characters. Eun Jiwon x Sandara Park, CL, Park Bom
A.N. In the following chapter I refer to two different shows Dara has appeared on. The links to those videos are in the titles of the two shows that are mentioned at the start).
chapter 1 - i’m doomed, part. 1
[dara pov]
I turned on the tv with reluctance, a frown appearing on my face. I intended to avoid that very episode of Hun Maen Jung Eum since it first aired, but there I was, the curiosity of knowing how the scene I shoot was broadcasted on national tv being a valid reason to tune in on MBC’s channel.
[...]
“Dara had a crush on someone for 22 years…”.
The MC read through his script; my back tensed as soon as I heard my name called. In all honesty I didn’t expect the production to bring this news up.
“…that person is the one sitting beside her---”
“Here it is”. I thought, resting my sulky face on the remote I had in my hands.
“--- Eun Jiwon”. The MC revealed with a huge grin on his face.
I saw myself smiling on the tv screen but at the time I wanted to crawl in a hole in the ground and disappear forever.
“When Sandara was offered to be on Hun Maen Jung Eum she agreed without hesitation. She said that she liked three people on this show: JeA, Joonhyung and Jiwon”. Stated the MC while flipping the pages he held in his right hand.
“Woo~”. The people I mentioned smiled out of content, appearing pretty pleased by my statement.
I gulped as the MC continued to read the interview I had prior to filming, I felt instant regret. I should’ve known better then. Of course, they saw my confession for Jiwon-oppa on Video Star, the episode in question aired a couple of months before shooting Hun Maen Jung Eum.
I remember the day I was casted on that talk show so vividly. I had just started to appear on variety shows and winning a spot as host was one of the biggest accomplishments of that year.
-
“Sandara-ssi, we’re glad to let you know you’ve been casted as a fixed host on the program, congratulations”.
“Ne! I’m grateful for the opportunity given to me, I won’t let you down!”. I closed the call; a sudden burst of energy took over my body as I started doing my “victory dance”.
“Yay~ I’ve been casted Wonjun-ssi~”.
I jumped up and down while holding both of his hands.
“Isn’t It a great day to be Sandara Park’s manager-nim?”. I flashed my best smile and started dancing again, my limbs waving all over the place.
“It’s great Dara-ssi”. He hid his perplexity as to why I was acting like that behind a sheepish smile.
JJangmae-oppa was known for being 2NE1’s manager. YG ent. fired him right after the group disbanded, as we all had our own personal managers. JJangmae-oppa wasn’t just monitoring us, he affirmed himself as an older brother figure, cherishing us when YG sajang-nim scolded our group for not being pretty enough, for not being successful enough. Jjangmae-oppa saw us as people and not products, that’s why, seeing him disappear from our lives so suddenly, left a big hole in our hearts, firing up the resentment towards the unfairness of the decision made by the company.
-
The legendary sunbae-nim, Tony Ahn, member of H.O.T. was invited as guest on the first episode I hosted of Video Star; thinking back it was such a smart move on the production team part to cast me, knowing the relationship I had with Tony-oppa. Milking it created quite a stir, in fact.
Our ambiguous friendship became the main topic soon enough. The guest list included people in the friends circle me and Tony-oppa shared so they knew how to tease and prompt him into revealing what was his stance when it came to our relationship.
“When Dara got drunk, she had the silly idea of putting the bottle’s cap on her eyes, we all happily laughed about it”. JeA-eonni suddenly became a dispenser of embarrassing scenes, and I was the protagonist of them all. Who knew that she’d share other awkward stories about me later, on Hun Man Jung Eum too.
“Do you know what he said to me? He went - Don’t make her do those things!”.
Tony-oppa clapped his hands, embarrassed.
“I didn’t even tell her to do that!”. JeA-eonni was clearly upset as she stood up from her seat to directly complain with Tony-oppa, who sat right beside her.
“So - he must care about Dara a lot”. Commented Sook-eonni, glancing at me.
He defended himself – “I had such great fantasies about her, I thought it was impossible for her to think about doing so on her own”.
“He really doesn’t know how to date, as he got older, he even became more fearful and shy, he limits himself to observing only - so I told him that if he keeps observing he’ll lose her”. JeA-eonni was obviously determined to unveil every detail of the story.
Hyejong-eonni joined in the mission of collecting every piece of evidence that pointed at Tony-oppa being interested in me.
“That that’s why I suspected him and Sandara! He actually wanted to ask her out, but he lost his timing and Dara reacted passively at it, so you just ended up being friends”.
“Tony-ssi, are you observing Dara-ssi right now?”. Narae filled her role as host, interrogating him like a detective.
“She’s just a girl friend and there is no I way I could develop anything other than that. That is not what I thought when I first met her, who knows what might happen; that’s what I thought” – He replied with honesty.
“Then why did you keep watching her slowly and didn’t go for it right away?” – JeA-eonni spoke up again, interrogating him. She could pass as a host because of the fiery desire to uncover the truth.
A short sigh left Tony-oppa’s mouth. - “At that time, we didn’t have any occasion to meet”.
“So, you guys didn’t have any connection”. Concluded Sook-eonni from the host panel.
“There was documentary about her in Korea back then – I somehow managed to watch it and noticed she was good at singing and dancing, she was also pretty and charming – I made up my mind and wanted to producer the singer Sandara Park”. He revealed proudly, I didn’t know he had such high regards for me as an artist.
He went on saying: “But then an article came out – Sandara signed a contract for YG entertainment”.
“I thought he had been observing her for just a month but it’s been already 15 years!”. Exclaimed JeA-eonni, talking to the cameras, furrowing her brows.
“He is like the man in Old boy”. Eana-eonni commented, poking fun at Tony-oppa. He crossed his arms and laughed off, dumbfounded.
“This oppa really loves you Sandara!”.
I slightly felt uneasy as they kept pushing in that direction, I kept dwelling on how I should react without hurting his feelings as I, unfortunately, didn’t reciprocate.
Narae interrupted the laughter that filled the room until then.
“I don’t know if I should say this right now….”.
The atmosphere on set suddenly changed, a chill danced up my back not knowing what she was going to say.
“...well, Sandara has another man in her heart”. She stated with total seriousness.
“Ack-…” murmured Tony-oppa, with a disappointed look on his face.
“We also know about that”. Commented all the female guests sitting the other side of the room.
“Dara-ssi likes…. Eun Jiwon-ssi!”. Narae slammed her hand on the table as she looked away from the guests. She sure knew how to create a commotion.
I was taken aback, hearing his name all of a sudden made my heart flutter, but I didn’t hold grudges at Narae for revealing it, I somehow felt better because of the burden taken off of my chest.
A multitude of voices quickly started to overlap one another across the room.
“Eh?! Do you still do?”.
“I knew it!”.
“Yes, she does!”.
“Stop hurting him and say the truth!”.
Tony-oppa’s ears became red, he remained silent at the sudden revelation.
Jiwon-oppa was the leader of another legendary boy-group I loved in my teen years, SECHSKIES. It was a known fact that H.O.T and SECHSKIES were rival groups back in the day. Fans used to scramble with one another for their favorite singers. It sounded funny to think the feud didn’t stop with the music.
“Will your fans fight again for this?”. Hangbo-eonni joked, trying to defuse the situation.
“Leave the girl – there was a SECHSKIES song that went like that!”. Narae referred to the song “Chivalry” perhaps, but I remember the lyrics differently.
“How could I leave you like this?”. Hangbo started to sing SECHSKIES Road Fighter, playing around.
Tony’s soul left his body as he turned on his seat, trying to fleet the situation by facing the wall behind him.
“But Jiwon-oppa doesn’t know about this though – this is the first time I’m saying this”. I stated looking around the room.
“Ah- is that so?”.
“Since when have you been watching him?”. Sook-eonni’s eyes lit up with interest as she asked me for further information.
“…since 1997”, I muttered before bursting in a fat laugh, my cheeks becoming more and more red as we kept talking about the man I’ve been admiring for such a long time.
“The important thing is if she still likes him even now”. Commented Park Sohyun-ssi.
“Well… recently we’re in the same agency… - I’ve also been to their concert last time and he was so cool”.
I didn’t know how affectionate I sounded before re-watching this scene after the episode aired. My eyes filled with love and admiration as soon as I started to talk about him.
“He looks so tsundere!”. I finished my confession on that note, contented with my own honesty. The thought of him made my heart pit-a-pat hard.
JeA, Hangbo and Eana-eonni turned their backs away from Tony and created a small girl gathering where they started to whisper to one another.
“Tell me something about it”.
“She really likes him”.
“You didn’t know it?”.
“I knew it, but I thought she already put away her feelings”.
I was so relaxed and contented when confessing on that occasion. It was perceived as an innocent crush, something to laugh about during lunch. It only looked like I was a big fan, not a big deal at all.
But on Hun Maen Jung Eum, right beside him? I felt my heart sinking deep. I hated the thought of coming across so insisting and foolishly adoring of him – right in front of him. Revealing how much I payed attention to him recently made me look so hopelessly in love with him. Which I was not.
-
I shook my head and payed attention to the program that was being broadcasted on my tv.
The MC kept reading - “Joonhyung-oppa and Jiwon-oppa have different meaning for me”.
Everyone burst out laughing at my straight forwardness.
The Sandara on the tv started clapping her hands, uselessly trying to hide from the impending embarrassment.
“Joonhyung-oppa feels like a senior while for Jiwon-oppa…”.
“Please don’t say it…”. I begged in front of the tv over and over again, even if perfectly aware of what was going to happen soon after.
“...he really is like a man to me~”.
The guests gazed at me at once and screamed in disbelief, it was a commotion.
“Can I really say something so burdensome?”. The me on the screen blurted out while covering her face with her hands, as if that could prevent the sense of regret from manifesting.
I remember my stomach turning on itself, cold sweat was pouring down my forehead. I tried to control those violent reactions happening inside of me but failed miserably.
“I shouldn’t say burdensome things”. I uttered again while looking away.
“It’s not~”. I could see on my screen that Jiwon-oppa was averting his eyesight while saying so, with a sheepish smile on his face.
JeA-eonni then intervened revealing her testimony too. I realized only then that she knew so many things about me, making her a perfect snitch on the variety shows we participated together.
I was surrounded by my own embarrassment and couldn’t flee in any way. No matter where I looked, there was no way to avoid meeting someone else’s derogatory glare.
“We had finished a schedule together and were at the salon-…” She started, guiding everyone’s attention towards herself.
“…I told Dara I had a schedule with Jiwon-oppa” – She went on.
“Ah ~ Isn’t our Jiwon-oppa perfect?”. She mimicked me perfectly, from the high-pitched tone to the gestures, my jaw dropped to the ground at how accurate it was.
The studio filled with laughter again, so I just got along with the guests’ reaction and chuckled with them.
“Eonniii, why did you reveal that? I thought we were frieeends~”. I whined at the screen, throwing myself on my leather couch. The weight of my words appearing on my chest.
“Wow! Your vocal impression of her is exactly the same!”. Jiwon-oppa jumped out of his seat and exclaimed pointing at JeA-eonni.
“No but, seriously”. She continued.
My only ally was aspiring against me, strength escaped from my extremities, all I could do was witness my own self being torn apart in front of my crush, on national tv no less.
“Dara said that since he changed his hairdo, he looks younger than recent idols”. could feel my heart sink. I didn’t realize how childish my words sounded until someone else said them.
Various text appeared on the screen “Sandara who seems blinded by love”.
“WHY WOULD THEY WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THAT, AIGOO!”. I protested again, slamming my feet on the couch repeatedly.
I pointed at my tv, complaining about something I couldn’t change. I hid my face behind a small pillow, but I could still view the scene happening in my head, even with my eyes closed shut.
The hosts and guests gave mixed reactions. There were some oh’s and eh’s.
“Isn’t this an exaggeration?”. Jiwon oppa turned his head and referred to me, raising his eyebrow.
At the time I fled his confused gaze creating a wall with my hands in between us. I could not look at him normally, go figures if I had the gut to glance at him in a situation like that.
It was all or nothing, I gulped hard and quickly collected my courage – or what was left of it. What I could do was just go with it and confess altogether before other embarrassing testimonies popped out from nowhere.
I wouldn’t stop blurting about him for years, every time his name left my lips, I witnessed irked expressions on my friends’ faces because of how repetitive and annoying I got. I wouldn’t have been surprised if they had prepared other 50 testimonies to demonstrate my total and earnest adoration for him.
“Because he is next to me… I don’t know if I can say this…”. I muttered, keeping my hand-walls between him and me. My cheeks flushing by the minute.
I didn’t get to see his reaction while filming, it was the first time for me to actually watch how he behaved in that situation.
He looked straight in front of him, covering his mouth with one hand and listening attentively to what I was going to declare.
Joonhyung sunbae-nim smiled from to cheek to cheek like a pleased father, earnest to hear about my crush on Jiwon-oppa.
“And why do you like Jiwon-hyung?”. One of the hosts stood up and asked, raising his eyebrows in confusion.
“What do you like about him?”. Repeated another female host, her eyes sparkling with great interest.
“Well… he’s handsome”.
“Where did I get the guts to say that in front of him? eottokeeee?”. I facepalmed, feeling second-hand embarrassment for the Dara on screen.
Jiwon-oppa looked away, his cheeks turning red like two big tomatoes as soon as he heard my praises. An innocent smile popped up on his lips, showing the two front teeth he usually tried to hide behind his hands. He kept fidgeting as if he did not know how to put himself. His reaction was similar to the one you’d have when someone sings you “Happy birthday”. All you can do is just witness it and be grateful, even if it’s super-embarrassing.
“Ah~ but last time, from the Pom Saeng Pom Sa era he was like this, he had a tsundere charm”.
I basically repeated what I’ve revealed on Video Star. I refused to unveil more than what was already known to the public, what was revealed was already enough.
“But in real life he’s really kind…” I finished, emphasizing on the word kind.
I knew because of the You tube date that took place a year prior. Even if he looked cold and uninterested on the outside, he was quite comforting and soft-spoken once you got to know him.
am i really saying this out loud?
I felt dumbfounded, my body wanting to explode under the constant pressure I experienced throughout the conversation.
The MC spoke up, “Did you know about her feelings?”. He asked directly to Jiwon to keep the hype up.
I finally had the strength to look at him, anticipating his response. I was curious as to how he’d react.
He sat up, reuniting his hands, and looked around the studio.
“Well...uh”. He stuttered.
He rotated his whole body towards the MC who was questioning him - “22 years sounds like an exaggeration, but… when SECHKIES reunited, she came to the concert and cheered for us”, he indicated me with his left hand, avoiding turning my direction.
“I also really like 2NE1, because of that, I also felt really nervous and fluttering feeling…”. He finished on a high note, not giving any hints and directing the topic elsewhere, perfectly gaining control over the conversation.
“YAH, it’s weirder because you are saying it so gently!”, lamented Joonhyung sunbae-nim jumping out of his sit and pointing at Jiwon-oppa.
“YOUR TONE IS WEIRD!”. Shouted the male host.
Jiwon-oppa was known for his straight-forwardness and bold way of speaking. Him suddenly being soft-spoken caused agitation on set.
“I’ve had enough!” I whimpered. I reached for the remote to try to turn off the tv.
“YOU’RE SO STUBBORN, DAMN REMOTE”.
I hit it against the arm of the couch until the tv finally turned off.
“I gets more embarrassing the more I watch it…”, I murmured under my breath, the scene kept playing in my head in loop, line a broken record.
I got up and glanced outside my window, I really could use some fresh air to calm myself up. It was a chilly night of August, there wasn’t much movement on the street in front of my apartment.
did I really manage to say those things?
I moved towards the kitchen as I craved a big cup of green tea, maybe that could have helped with calming my nerves.
I stretched my arm to get a hold of the teabags in the cupboard on my left and patiently waited for the water to boil. The only sounds that could be heard in my flat were the ones coming from the water bubbling up in the boiler and my long and deep sighs.
I shook my head hoping to erase my memories but the mocking laugh and mixed reaction from that one episode echoed in my ears.
I was used to narrate over the top stories adding my own flare to them, it became my trademark. I was Sandara Park, the former member of 2NE1 and the one in charge of portraying absurd stories in my cutesy way.
That was different. I could already see the whole world looking down own me. The riot in my stomach was just a sign of how affected I felt because of that matter.
A week had passed from the original airing date of the episode, but I still had a hard time overcoming that river of thoughts that washed me up like a giant tsunami.
~ brbrbrbrbrbr~ tic ~
The boiler had accomplished its work. I sat on a stool in front of the island counter and started to pour the water in my red mug. It appeared as a regular mug to the eyes of strangers, but it had meaning to me.
-
Chaerin had gifted it to me when she returned from L.A. to visit. It was a hard time for her, she wouldn’t tell me at first so I invited her to stay over at my house for a couple of days; only the thought of her going through a difficult time alone made my heart shutter in a million pieces.
I started to use the mug any chance I could to demonstrate her that I appreciated her thought, a small smile would appear on her face whenever she saw me sipping from it. That same smile was like a minuscule gap in the enormous wall she was trying so hard to build around herself.
We sat right there, in front of the counter, when she revealed her honest thoughts. Her voice started trembling as she confessed to me that she wished to leave YG ent., the agency we worked together for the past 13 years. Small teardrops would fall onto the counter, forming a small puddle. I squeezed her for an unreasonable amount of time, feeling her body shudder against mine every time she sobbed. Her warmth against my skin it’s what I reminisced when sipping a hot beverage out of that L.A. red mug.
She then returned in the U.S, far from the mistreatment she received in the motherland. I couldn’t blame her because she was right. She had every right to do so and so did I. The difference between us was that she was stronger than me.
My home suddenly looked like a big cage where a lonely rabbit hops in search for an exit that doesn’t exist.
i am that rabbit.
Dadoong meowed, as if wanted to talk back to me.
“You’re not alone as long as I’m here”, something like that. Or maybe he was just hungry, that was probably the case.
I kneeled on the wooden floor and started caressing his smooth fur. “Mian~ I almost forgot about you, my cutie~”. I whispered to him.
“meowww~”. He responded closing his small like buttons yes.
“I hope that means that you’ve forgiven me haha~”.
I replenished his bowl with cat food, the sound of his paws on the wood was quite adorable. I smiled looking at him eating peacefully.
I stood up and took the mug, blowing on the hot tea to take it to a reasonable drinking temperature.
With the corner of my eyes I noticed a couple of notifications popping up on my cellphone’s screen. I slowly but steadily got towards the couch, trying hard not to tip over the tea. There was a small coffee table in front of me where I had placed my cellphone prior. I left the mug on it and picked up the phone.
I hummed – “mhh- I wonder what they’re saying about me on SNS”.
I scrolled through the news of Naver, the infamous Hun Maen Jung Eum confession being in second and third place in the “most researched” list.
“ Sandara Park Admits To Having A Crush On SECHSKIES’s Eun Ji Won For The Past 22 Years ”
I pressed on the article and started scrolling down to look at the comments beneath it.
[+510 – 2] Aww he looks so flustered, so cute ~
[+ 436 -29] Does she not know he’s a divorcee?
[+386 – 5] I hope they start dating after this~ ㅋㅋㅋ
[+203 – 76] I wonder how awkward it is between them now
[+105 – 2] Isn’t it obvious that he doesn’t like her?
[+57– 46] She is such a boring person, no wonder he doesn’t take interest in her.
[+48 – 9] ㅎㅎㅎ she confessed to have dated many celebrities and now claims to be in love with Eun Jiwon for 22 years, what a b*tch
“Ahh, i would’ve been better off without reading this huhu~”.
The malicious comments pierced right through my confidence, unveiling all my insecurities.
It is the harsh reality, one can’t possibly hope to be liked by everyone, still, those words were like salt on an open wound. I already felt vulnerable, as if someone stole my umbrella during a storm. All the opinions were painful waterdrops cascading on my head. A few do not hurt you but one after another they lead you to madness.
I’ve had been in this harsh industry for over 10 years, but I admitted to being still too vulnerable mentally to sustain the weight of words spouted at me.
A tear travelled lonely down my cheek as I threw the cellphone down on the couch, disappointed.
I already knew he perceived me as a hoobae and not as a woman, I was aware of that. That was exactly why I was so bothered by how I came off on tv. I disliked the idea that he would think of me as a delusional fool.
I sniffed and wiped off the tear with the long sleeve of my checkered pajama.
I enjoyed admiring him from afar, supporting him without being an annoyance, liking him without the risk of getting burned. I fangirled over him with all my girl friends, as if I were a 15-year-old again but deep inside I knew my liking to him had gone a bit further than just an innocent teen crush.
I knew he had divorced too; I was crushed at the thought of him suffering like that. Witnessing the love of a lifetime whiter with his own two eyes. How could people judge him for that?
love is not easy.
nothing is.
For work I was often surrounded by handsome celebrities who wouldn’t hesitate to confess their crushes on me, I’ve always managed to keep my cool and stay professional but there I was, my hands would tremble anytime Jiwon-oppa appeared in the same room, my body flinched anytime he’d touch me, even if inadvertently. I couldn’t control the redness from expanding on my cheeks when he talked to me.
behave self.
It wasn’t news that I dated a couple of celebrities since my debut, I even revealed how we met for dates on the same episode I confessed to Jiwon-oppa. It was thrilling to hide from the reporters, every relationship felt like a spy movie.
Those romance weren’t exactly k-drama worthy. Most of the times I was just a price to be won, I knew it deep down. It wasn’t anything more than a way to fill the silence in my flat with the pounding on the walls. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself that they loved me as much as I did, I was only a side event for when they were lonely.
Looking back, I wasn’t proud of my behavior. He gave me attention and I conceded him my body. I could feel his warm skin against mine, but when placing my ear to his chest, I didn’t hear his heart thumping. Relationship after relationship, the result didn’t change. Blinded by need for company I kept making the same mistake over and over again.
Bom-eonni once found me crying after one broke up with me. Reason being, he had enough of our relationship. He wasn’t wrong, it was me who expected it to be more than it actually was and ended up being disappointed.
“You’ll get hurt, please stop”. I remember her squeezing me until I implored her to stop, that eonni always ignored my weak build every time she embraced me.
“Dara don’t do this. Please”. She begged on the phone countless times because seeing me hurt like that was torture for her. She started to stay over at my place in case the man I was seeing decided to harass me.
I put a hold on dating after that, I gained control of my vulnerability for once.
Silence returned in my flat.
the life of an idol is quite lonely.
~parararing parararing - parararing parararing ~
“Dara-eonni ~ are you busy? how are you doing?”.
It was Chaerin-ah who called me.
“Hi Chaerin-ah ~ I’m doing fine… have you eaten yet? Don’t worry, I’m just chilling - I feel so tired.... ah~”.
“Honestly, lately I’ve lost my appetite”.
“How come? Force yourself to eat, even just an apple”.
I suddenly reminisced our trainee days. I was so thin compared to the other members; YG sajang-nim decided to put them all on a diet. I still felt guilty; there was nothing I could do because that was just how my body was built. I offered myself to diet alongside them, not to make them feel lonely but Bom-eonni whined at me – “You’re already so skinny, what’s the use of dieting Dara-yah?!”.
We were dubbed as ugly girl group, YG sajang-nim was the first one to call us that. The pressure of being pretty weighted on us whenever we made a public appearance beside other girls groups or ate something that had more than 200 calories.
She ignored my advice and went on - “How do you feel?”.
“Uh? Me? I’m just fin-“.
She interrupted me – “Come on! Dara-eonni! Bom-eonni told me about you and Jiwon sunbae-nim!”. Her tone seemed pretty serious.
Moving to L.A. made it harder for Chaerin to get a hold of the news regarding entertainment in Korea. That was probably why she heard about it from someone else and got upset.
I really didn’t want to talk about that matter. I already wanted to bury myself under 6 feet of dirt and I did not want her to feel second-hand embarrassment because of my actions.
“Ah~ Chaerin-ah... I didn’t know what to do so I just went along with it... huhu~ Is it that bad?”. I asked, full of anticipation.
“It’s ok eonni, really. He’ll think of it as a joke and you’ll both laugh about it when you two will meet again”.
I really hoped that was the case; we acknowledged each other but didn’t have any opportunity to develop our friendship.
“Huhu Chaerin-ah~ Are people going to think I’m a crazy lady that keeps a Jiwon-oppa shrine in front of her bed? I read so many malicious comments…Will he avoid me after this?”.
“I knew this would bother you, that’s why I called - Dara-eonni, you should’ve told me sooner, you know I’m here for you”.
She was right. I was bothered, but I hated asking for help. Opening up became so much harder since we all moved out from the dorm we shared. If we had secrets to reveal, we would invade Bom-eonni’s room to gossip between ourselves. We used to sit on the floor to whisper about crushes and things we witnessed during music shows.
Everything I did made me reminisce the time I spent with 2NE1; I forever cherished the warmth that came being so close with the members.
“Ah~ Chaerin-ah~ Thanks for calling me”.
-
I sipped the green tea that was waiting for me on the wooden coffee table, my brows furrowed as my lips touched the cold beverage.
“Even the tea became cold… huhu~”.
I slumped back on the couch. All I wanted to do was to avoid him, as if he was pestilence himself, I didn’t want for things to get weird - I wasn’t ready to enter YG’s building only to have Teddy-oppa or Jiyong make fun of me in front of him.
~ ting ~
I remembered the real reason I actually searched for my phone in the first place; I had to check the notifications.
“Dara-ssi, I’ll fetch you tomorrow at 10 o’clock to escort you to the agency”. It was manager-nim who wrote a couple of messages to remind me of my schedule for the week.
I felt dumbfounded as I remembered Suwon-oppa telling me that Sechskies were starting to record tracks for their future comeback that day. There was no way I could avoid him when we worked in the same workplace.
I drowned my face in the pillow sitting on my couch and heaved a long sigh –
