Sus manos se encuentran ocupadas por chocolate en la derecha y vaso de agua en la izquierda, pero no duda en abandonarlos a un lado (no el chocolate, que va directo a su boca) ante el pedido del muchacho. “Espera, no quiero manchar nada.” se adelanta a responder en tanto busca una servilleta, apenas habiendo vislumbrado bien al contrario. “¿Cuánto va a doler ayudarte?” pensaba también (pesimista) en la posibilidad de algún arrepentimiento después.
when jae wakes up, the demon's laughter still echoes in his head, even though he is in a hospital bed god knows where, the memory is still so fresh that he looks around in panic, wanting to stand up and go wherever ares is. they have to sedate him again, no one breaks the news to him just yet.
and perhaps, he is still not in his right mind, he is still in denial — not wanting to believe that the image of a limp ares in his grasp was real. his hands still feel dry, as if they are still stained with dry blood — but ares can't be dead, not when jae hasn't told him he loves him back, not when he hasn't held him in his arms and woken up to his sleep-ruffled face. not when he hasn't apologized to ares for all he has done to him.
he doesn't care ares is a demon, not anymore — not when the idea of a life without him shakes him to his core. he needs ares, he wants him there, he misses him, and a part of him already knows ares is dead, gone — his last moments spent saving jae from who he also was. jae almost unleashed hell to the world, a part of himself so demonic that he feels like a hypocrite for ever acting like ares was the evil one. it's him, it's him who was tainted — and it's all his fault. as they sedate him yet again and he falls into an uneasy slumber, all he can think about is that i haven't told him i loved him.
two.
when he is released from the hospital, the first thing he does is to take out his fake ids to find the case file. jae needs to know everything that has happened from the moment he lost consciousness, he needs to know what happened to the demon, he needs to know where ares is — he won't believe he's dead until he sees it himself.
it's idiotic, he should know that, he should know it will only pain him to actually see ares again; limp and unmoving, dead. he knows ares won't smile at him like he used to, he knows he won't see ares escape his gaze in those private moments where he was bashful of a compliment jae has just given him. it's all gone — ares is all gone — but jae only falls apart when they show him the body at the morgue.
he asks for some privacy and then he breaks down, looks at ares and bites his lip to hide away his sobs, bites down so hard until it bleeds. he falls to his knees on the cold linoleum floor, holds ares' limp hand in both of his hands. ares' pace is so pale, his veins stark against the blue skin that has left its color so long ago. he sees the wound across his torso, the one he caused, and breaks down harder — it's all his fault, it's all his fault — it's his fucking fault. later that day, he punches the wall until his knuckles break, but right then, he cries into his hands, apologizing over and over again, telling ares how much he loves him, and how sorry he is.
ares doesn't hear him, but jae promises to deaf ears that he is going to fix this, that he is going to bring ares back, no matter what it takes. when he wraps ares in a sheet and brings him to a flat he has rented for a year, he feels disgusted with himself, but with what he has in mind, he knows ares' body needs to stay intact. burying him feels wrong, and he knows they will cremate him in the morgue. so this, is the only solution he has.
jae lies him gently down on the bed before he leaves, whispering a broken i love you to the void.
three.
it takes months of research, nights spent going from one city to another, trying to find a demon who is powerful enough to save ares, powerful enough to pull him back from hell to the land of the living.
other hunters talk behind his back, tell each other that park eunjae has gone mad, and with how he is behaving, he is bound to be found dead in a ditch soon. either that or in front of a barrel of another hunter's gun. it's never good to seek demons in their profession after all, not when your first response isn't to put a dagger through their chests.
however, jae is past the point of caring — he needs to fix this, and he will. he misses ares so much that it feels like a part of himself has been ripped apart. at nights when he can't sleep and when nightmares shake him awake, he swears he feels the part of ares gave him in his chest, and it screams in pain. he swears that he feels bits and pieces of what ares is going through god knows where — and he knows he has to save him, he has to. i love him, i love him so much he cries into his pillow, breaks apart in a cheap motel where no one will hear his sobs.
four.
years of research and experience has taught him that nothing is impossible in this world, not when you have the resources and the determination it takes. and jae has an abundance of both, and after a month and a half after ares' death, he parks his car at a crossroads, pulls the break and presses foot in dark soil.
the air is thick and so dark that only jae's flashlight illuminates the road. he hears a familiar laugh echo through the void, and as he walks to the road, he feels a part of him trying to pull him back to the car, telling him it's a bad idea — telling him that there must be another solution to this. perhaps jae has lost his mind so much that he thinks it's ares speaking to him — but one way or another, he is not retreating, not now, not when he is so close to bringing ares back. it has been too long, weeks spent while ares has been down there, and jae has to bring him back — he needs to hold him in his arms and tell him how much he loves him... even if it means facing the familiar face that brought him so much pain.
the face of the demon from all those months ago smirk up at him, and jae feels a cold shudder through his bones. as he walks forward to meet him, the demon studies his nails as if he doesn't care — but jae can feel how excited he looks, how he is making fun of jae with the grin on his face. but jae is past the point of caring, and once he is within earshot, he speaks.
"bring him back." his voice leaves no room for argument, and the laughter that falls from the other's lips only make jae more furious for everything the demon did. "bring who back, sweetheart? the lover you murdered?"
it's a low blow, but the truth of the statement hurts more than anything. it is jae's fault, he knows, but hearing it taunted at him in a way like this — almost makes tears spring to his eyes. but they have been dry for a while now, he has cried and sobbed so much, has prepared for this moment for so long that he can't show weaknesses, he needs to be strong, he needs to bring him back.
"my soul —" he starts, and jae three months ago would hit him for even thinking about doing this. jae knows what they do to souls that are given to demons, he knows the torture and the horror stories — but if it means bringing ares back healthy and safe, jae doesn't care for anything else. and he tells it so. "you can have my soul, just bring him back. make a deal with me."
and ares is his soul in a sense, isn't it? through the years of childhood, their adulthood and all that they have done together — isn't ares a part of jae that he can't let go? especially with how ares has sacrificed himself, how he gave a part of himself to jae to save him from dying — this only feels fitting. he will save ares, no matter what it takes.
the demon in front of him raises his eyebrows, the grin only spreading across his face. "i'm not giving you ten years, sweetheart, not with what your lover has pulled only a couple of months ago." he begins, approaching jae as he does so. a sharp nail traces the lines of his face and jae wants to flinch, but he stops himself — he will go through with this. for ares, he will do anything.
"we will have a lot of fun, darling. i'm generous enough to give you one year. take it or leave it —" he pauses, but with what he says next, they both know jae has no option to retreat. "i'm... quite fond of your lover's screams at the moment. i can't wait any longer than a year to hear yours"
and that, that feels like a punch to his gut, and jae accepts the offer. a year with ares is more than enough, and knowing ares will move on and be happy — jae couldn't ask for anything else.
"i accept." he says, i love him, echoes in his mind.
five.
the deal doesn't take too long and jae pointedly ignores the ugly laughter that still echoes in his mind. he quickly gets back in his car and drives to where it all happened. ares is going to wake up soon in an apartment all alone, and jae needs to be there for him, he needs to see him as soon as he can — he needs to hold him close and tell him he loves him.
it takes a couple of hours to cross the state lines, and half an hour more before he runs into the dusty apartment no one has ever walked into for two months. it's still silent, everything intact and covered with dust — jae knows ares hasn't woken up yet, that it will take almost twelve hours before he does so, but he walks into the room and ignore everything but the idea of ares waking up so soon.
he pulls up a chair next to the bed, buries his face in his hands and waits. he can't stop the sobs this time, but it's for a different reason — he is going to be able to hold ares in mere hours, and he is going to be able to apologize and tell him he loves him —- it's all going to be fine, it has to.
now.
when ares opens his eyes, jae can't stop himself — he pulls him in his embrace as soon as he can, and chants, "i love you, i love you so much" tears stream down his face, but ares is there, and he is alive — jae saved him, he can't think of anything else but the boy in his arms.
