yeah sexy bitches it’s extremely goofy headcanon time
(disclaimer: some of this would be specific to a human and/or modern au, because i love drawing them as humans, love the designs i gave them, and was not yet born in 2000- let alone conscious to remember anything about it. also i like giving them tails, even in the human au. this ended up being very long, so here’s a courtesy cut!)
max goof:
this man is BISEXUAL!!!!!!! he and roxanne were bi4bi, but they (mutually) broke up their senior year of highschool bc roxanne was moving for college across the country. after a bit of time, they went to just being close friends :3
speaking of college: we know that the goof family is poor. THEREFORE, i raise you: max is at college via a full ride scholarship. he worked his ASS off to be able to go to college without having to take out loans or “leech” from his dad, and it paid off!
he’s actually REALLY smart but a lot of people don’t know that bc “oh that’s some alt skater boy. he’s probably scraping by with a C average at best”.
he’s also the only reason bobby has passed any classes since junior year of hs
he came out to goofy the summer after he graduated high school. goofy cried bc he was so happy max trusted him enough with that and threw max 2 parties. he is the type of dad to buy max pride socks and wear a shirt that says “i love my gay son” for all of june. max is more than a little embarrassed, but overall? he loves his dad, and he’s really glad his dad loves him no matter what
idc what yall say he is NOT a little white boy as a human 😭😭😭 was literally jump scared the first time i saw him drawn white bc like i just thought it was agreed upon that he’s a POC
continuing with him as a human: yall will see this when i post my designs, but he’s pierced UP ‼️ he’s got snakebites he wears rings in (outwardly mimicking his buck teeth, since i draw the rings thick), both a madonna and monroe piercing, heavily gauged lobes, a double conch and double helix on his right ear, an industrial on his left, a right eyebrow piercing, and a tongue piercing. i also toyed w the idea of hip piercings but thinking abt dermal piercings makes me genuinely sick so
he also taught himself how to do piercings and pierced bobby’s lobe. a good half of his piercings were done at home. do not follow his example <3
(he tried to pierce his nipples and failed horribly, so he just took out the jewelry bc he was NOT having uneven nipples. this is based on one of my friend’s experiences!)
yall already KNOW he’s got that smudgy eyeliner look going on
that takes about 2 minutes. his hair, however, takes him a good 30! and an ungodly amount of hairspray.
his mom left when he was 5 and he barely remembers her
he and the goof troop became quick friends with tank after the x-games, and max definitely had a hand in tank giving bradley another chance
has a pet king snake and a pet tarantula! he got them when his powerline phase was still SUPER strong and named them both after him/his songs. whenever people ask him to explain their names, he gets lowkey embarrassed
got a matching trap stamp w bobby. peej was going to join too but he chickened out as soon as the needle touched down 😭
(the first time bradley accidentally caught a glimpse of max’s tramp stamp, he malfunctioned, fled the room, and had a crisis)
long, double coated black tail
bradley uppercrust III
closeted gay man
he’s the typical frat boy who’s been with a ton of girls, and he just kind of assumed that sex was a chore people went through and it was supposed to be be kind of unfulfilling for everyone
nah it’s just bc he wasn’t actually attracted to women 😭😭 he didn’t realize that he’s gay until his junior year of undergrad
(max and his stupid mouth full of stupid piercings that pours out stupid words and dumber retorts is what made him realize)
(he was literally like a little boy pulling on his crush’s pigtails and didn’t even realize it until about two weeks after the x-games, when he couldn’t stop thinking about how max still smiled at him and called off the bet afterwards)
on this topic: realizing he was gay caused an absolutely gigantic crisis, especially since he didn’t have a support system at all
(tank needed a lot of time to process everything, and even longer to begin forgiving bradley)
(speaking of that, while bradley was still officially the president of the gamma mu mu fraternity on paper [his dad paid everyone off], tank took over his position after the x-games. bradley was basically ostracized)
the main part of why his being gay was such a horrible realization for him is because his dad is the epitome of conservative. his mom believes queer people are just misled.
oh good lord, now it’s time to talk about his horrible father!!
as we’ve said, bradley’s dad is extremely homophobic. he’s the kind of guy to say spew absolutely every false “fact” or “statistic” and homophobic rhetoric anyone could have, and did this to bradley
he also put insane amounts of pressure on bradley
in the words of myself after watching a sad tiktok:
“[bradley is] so comphet and horrible neglectful parents who put far too much pressure on him core. he’s such a trust fund baby except the people who created that trust aren’t even in his life. he’s so simultaneously absent father and father who is constantly There, in his mind, judging him. he’s so internalized homophobia [because of this]”.
his father is definitely financially abusive btw
while he’s extremely rich, he threatens to take away any and all funding and shut down bradley’s cards at even the slightest hint of failure
being gay wouldn’t just get bradley’s funds cuts, though. it’d get him cut entirely from the family.
he’s meant to be perfect because he’s meant to be exactly like his dad and take over his dad’s place after retirement.
even one mistake would “warrant” his dad yelling at him for hours
bradley’s extreme daddy issues is what caused him to react so strongly to goofy saying “well clearly you don’t understand the bond between a father and son 🙄”
also bradley’s dad is the kind of guy to go for younger girls. he had four wives before bradley’s mom, but would leave them as soon as he found out his spawn was to be a girl instead of a boy. he needed a son to take on his “legacy”, and if they couldn’t provide that, they were worthless
and them being ~21 means they wouldn’t know any better
plus, he believes in the stupid “a woman’s prime childbearing years are 16-23 🤓” bs
so like even as he got older, he kept getting with women in that age range instead of those of his own
aka bradley’s mom was 21 and his dad 36 when they got married and had bradley within the same year.
on this note , bradley’s mom is.. not as bad
she holds the same values as his father, but isn’t nearly as extreme
she wouldn’t disown bradley for him being gay, but she would cry and cry because she thought it was a sign she failed as a mother. she’d beg him to “take it back”
to bradley, this is even worse than his father’s anger, since he was a mamas boy through and through.
she wouldn’t ever stand up to his dad, but even when he was young, bradley understood that it was out of fear
if she could get away with it, his mom would always comfort him after his dad’s outbursts
but if she was caught, his father would yell that all this soft treatment would turn him into a (slur i’m not comfortable saying!) and he needed to learn his lesson
all im gonna say is she blames herself
however, speaking of when bradley was young..
his mom has wavy/curly blonde hair
when he was young, he had the exact same hair as his mom
however, as he got older, his hair got darker
until it eventually became the same shade as his dad’s
bradley knew this made his mom a bit sad, but neither of them commented on it, because they both knew bradley was even more upset
it meant that he was now a near carbon copy of his father- minus his hair still being curly, and his lack of facial hair
however, when he got older and his hair became darker, his dad started pressuring him to straighten it, too
of course, he did, even though he hated it
… and at college, as a very subtle way of rebelling, he stopped straightening his hair until he had to see his father
anywayssss onto lighter headcanons!
(roxanne as well interlude !!)
bradley’s maternal uncle is married to roxanne’s maternal aunt!!
(this has absolutely zero basis btw 😭)
minus tank, roxanne was the closest friend to bradley growing up
his dad wasn’t really happy he was so close to a girl, but since roxanne is family, he let it slide; he’s supposed to be such a good family man, after all! it’s the uppercrust image!
anyways, as i said, they were super close
they would gravitate to each other every family get together (christmas, thanksgiving, etc) and would beg their parents to let them visit each other as often as possible
it was much more common for bradley to visit roxanne’s house than vice versa, since roxanne’s parents just have a feeling about bradley’s father. bradley had no issue with this at all
however.. max knew absolutely nothing about this!
whenever roxanne would say “sorry, i’ve got family over right now, i can’t hang out today”, he just wouldn’t question it
and bradley would passively listen to roxanne talk about her crushes, but since he couldn’t relate, it just sort of went into one ear and out the other
they also started to drift a bit during highschool
roxanne coming out to bradley was.. a lot. but he loves her, and knows she’s the best person he’s ever met, and so slowly, he begins to unlearn what his parents taught
roxanne is extremely proud (lol!) of bradley and bradley is.. feeling a lot of things, but he can’t say hate for others is one of them
for a long time, even when bradley was growing closer to the goof troop, winning back tanks everything, and accepting his feelings for max, roxanne was who bradley could always count on. she’s the person he came out to first, and he actually went to her for boy (max) advice multiple times 😭
she caught on quickly but didn’t mind at all
anyways, neither roxanne nor bradley knew that the other knows max- let alone that they eventually both date him
for the first time max is friends with bradley and roxanne comes back to spoonersville for christmas, max introduces them
except they already know each other.
and instead of “hello, im ___”, what he sees is them absolutely booking it towards each other with an “OH MY GODDDD!! HIIIII!! IT’S BEEN WAYYY TO LONG!! I HAVENT SEEN YOU IN, LIKE, 2 THANKSGIVINGS!!!!! HOWVE YOU BEEEN OMG WE NEED TO CATCH UP!!!!”
they both completely ignore max and he’s stood there absolutely DUMBFOUNDED
he is STUNNED
he is the EPITOME of ?!?!?!
bc what are the chances they know each other?? roxanne is NOTHING like the front bradley puts on, and her parents sure as hell aren’t millionaires
and what are the CHANCES max ends up not only having a crush on, but ends up DATING both?????
more roxanne: curled, medium-short haired, solid ginger tail
back to bradley
secretly loves it when max calls him brad instead of his full name
before max, no one had ever shortened his name
it feels like a separation from himself and the uppercrust name
it feels like he’s his own person, and not just an extension of his father- bradley uppercrust II
it takes him a good while and a few drinks to ever admit this, but afterwards, “brad” stops being only a teasing nickname- it has a new undercurrent of warmth
an everything shower takes him about 2 hours. he has very long, very specific skin care (both face and body), hair care, nail care, and grooming routines
these include the usages of no less than 30 different products
he has glasses but would rather wear contacts or just not be able to see than EVER wear them in public.
curled, very fluffy tail with a white bottom and tan top
(his dad forced him to always be in complete control of his tail; to never let it wag, never tuck it, anything. always hold it up high and steady)
(the only time he would let himself forgo these rules is when he was with only roxanne)
(the first time he felt the tell that his tail was about to wag when with max, he left IMMEDIATELY, and it took a while to unlearn all of this)
…and when bradley caught himself thinking a brainrot word for the first time, he was absolutely MORTIFIED
he refuses to say the words.
however, beret girl is never infected!!
religious game grumps viewer
he tried to be a twitch streamer for like two days
pasty ass mf 😭😭
he has to wear spf100 every single time he goes outside in the summer or he WILL get 3rd degree sunburns
short and short-haired ginger tail
PJ
absolutely, 100% in love with bianca
im talking he’s already saving up for an engagement ring
(she would say yes in a heartbeat)
he stops wearing the beret he’s seen in at the end of the movie after a while
bianca assured him that, although she’s flattered, she’d love him just as much if he stayed the exact same as when they first met
his new found love of poetry is as genuine as can be tho
the designated driver for SURE
the “what the flip” to max’s “what the fuck” and bobby’s “what the sigma”
(PJ very rarely curses bc his dad does often. if yall didn’t know, his dad. erm. canonically sucks!! not as badly as bradley’s, but his dad is the “your kids should respect (FEAR) you” type)
has a short haired, black bobtail
beret girl
her name is bianca roan greene (b for beret, roan bc i like it, and g for girl)
she goes by roan bc i want her to escape being BG
(credit to Lian_mail on ao3 for the roan part!!)
also bi but leans heavily towards women
she’s a psychology major
she bonds with max over piercings bc she’s also got a few non-standard piercings!
she’s got double lobes, a helix, a forward helix, a conch and a daith on both sides
she wants a nose piercing but feels like, in regards to her future field of work, she’s already pushing her luck with all of the ear piercings
they’re partially why she wears her hair so long
by far the best at advice and the most level-headed out of the (extended, which includes her, roxanne, bradley, and tank) goof troop
has a long, smooth, long-haired tail the same color as her hair
