#everyday truths

[imaginary247]

19.

So I'm all moved into my new apt, a bestie broke up with me, my boyfriend's leaving for two weeks and coincidentally two exes texted me out of the blue I'm taking this AMAZING online songwriting class &&& I got a job!

I'm so pumped for this year(:

[imaginary247]

11:33

Please please please

don't disappear.

You don't have to hold my hand

You don't have to play nice

You don't even have to look at me

But I want you here,

Always.

I want to open my eyes 

and not have the image of you hanging before me

as a mirage I've created for myself.

I don't want to be under any delusions,

I know none of this makes sense but

I

Don't

Care.

I want you

[imaginary247]

18. (On Moving)

I've packed up all my stuff,

the walls are glaringly bare

and I've realized that

I hate this room,

I've always hated it

because I always knew that

no matter how hard I tried to dress it up

it would never be mine.

This room was a loan

and we are both

existing

on borrowed time.

I would have made this my sanctuary,

but this room is no haven

and I prepare to take up the journey again;

a traveler in search of a home

finding only empty shells of architecture.

These carelessly assembled imitations

are the harsh reality 

they sold me

when I thought I was buying a

dream.

[imaginary247]

17.

1968 Planet of the Apes scared the PANTS off of my little 7-10 year old body...

Also New Girl's on netflix now!-> pretty much all I'm gonna do for the rest of the day when I wake up at 2pm

YAY!

[imaginary247]

14.

I miss him

a lot

but

I don't want to make things harder than they 

already are

by telling him

but it sucks,

missing him and

hoping he's missing me

but thinking that 

maybe it's better if he's not

and that way only one of us has to suffer.

And since I'm the idiot

who's causing all the problems,

it should obviously be me

right?

I hope you see this

I hope you don't

I hope I haven't completely wrecked

everything we had

I hope one day we can have so much more

[imaginary247]

12.

Someone asked me out today

and I wanted to punch them in the face because

I'm not over you

[imaginary247]

11.

Your text made me cry,

like full on bawling my eyes out

because I'm an insanely emotional idiot 

at the moment

and I've been thinking about you all day

and it broke me to know you'd been thinking about me

because it made me insanely happy

and terribly unhappy.

And I just can't handle these conflicting emotions 

I can't handle missing you so much

but feeling like saying or doing anything

will only make things worse for you.

I don't know what to do,

I want to tell you 

I love you

I want to hold you

and somehow communicate that

I've always cared,

that I'm sorry that my feelings never reached you,

that you didn't think they were there

that I'm so hard to love;

to understand.

I want you to know that it hurts me too,

even I am not immune. 

I cried that night,

for all the things we were

and all the things we were not.

For all the things we had

that would change.

For all the things that couldn't stay the same

and the divide that I had built between us.

I cried tonight.

I think I'll probably cry tomorrow.

  Someone asked me today

"Was that guy your boyfriend?"

and all my mind got stuck on the word 'was',

as in

past tense,

as in

not anymore,

as in

What the heck did I do?

as in

I'm not sure I want this...

as in

What's done is done.

[imaginary247]

10.

About to go walk about 6 miles and ride a bus for an hour just so that I can get a dumb dress. In my defense, it's a really pretty blue dress...

I could probably ask for a ride from idk my roommates? my sisters? my parents? my boyfriend? which is actually what I should be doing be except that I have this fatal flaw where I don't like asking for help so I end up going through some really extreme measures to get the things that I want.

But I think the walking will do me some good, help me think...

There's a thing I've gotta do and I'm so scared that I'm just gonna ruin everything. What words are the right words? How do I say "Don't leave me" and "I'm leaving you" in a way that makes sense and doesn't make me look like the selfish cow I am?