#ew negativity

[mariguanadon]

Lmao yeah this sucks now I just wanna smash this glass over my head, I’m so fucking sick of existing and existing in a body and just feeling things touch me makes me wanna step in front of a speeding car, I really really really miss hating myself intensely enough to restrict, I honestly can’t think of the last time I angrily, explosively hated myself and I miss it?? I hate this insidiously pervasive, low-grade self-hate where I don’t even wanna do anything with it beyond keeping thoughts like smashing this glass over my head in the background of my mind, at least hurting myself feels good, this just fucking sucks.

[mariguanadon]

I’ve been wicked on edge or something lately, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I want to cry and throw up and sleep and break something. And it’s always because of small, petty, innocuous bullshit, I don’t fucking know why I upset myself over stupid shit, it makes me feel so fucking stupid and worthless, which is honestly already my default state of being (like, I know I’m not worthless, but I am, but I’m not, but I am, but I’m actually not, but at the end of the day, yes, I am inherently worthless), and this just perpetuates it, and I feel as small and stupid and petty as the things that upset me because I know they’re just that so why do they upset me why am I the way that I am why can’t I just FUCKING be COOL, WHY do I DO THIS to myself, WHY, GET UP, FUCKING CLEAN, DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE YOU WILL FEEL SO MUCH BETTER, WHY

[mariguanadon]

Me: *sees something that will make me feel bad*

Brain: Click on it, investigate, thoroughly investigate that, yeah, do that

Me: That seems like a bad idea??

Brain: Do it, it'll be awful, d o i t

Me: *does it*

[mariguanadon]

[mariguanadon]

Whenever I think about my body I get so sad and feel so gross, which is stupid because this is just a fleshy fleshy vessel and it really doesn’t matter but that’s not gonna stop me from hating and resenting it I guess

[mariguanadon]

[mariguanadon]

I've gotta figure out how to do makeup so I don't look so gross in pictures. I also look forward to work starting up again because I think I'll start losing weight again and eventually I'll have a jawline and then I'll be good

[mariguanadon]

I felt cute today until I saw myself in pictures. Damn.