Avanda closed her eyes, thankful to finally be away from the crew for a while. She was beyond excited to finally be home again, to be around them; but she still wasn't quite ready to be as…..touchy- as they wanted to be.
Caelum kept hugging her from behind and resting his chin on her head; an old habit he'd started as soon as he had passed her in height, and she was still ducking out of his arms and trying to hide how badly she was shaking. Thane kept lying down and resting his head in her lap, and she was always making excuses to get up. Nyar kept clapping her on the shoulder, a hand gently gripping the space where her neck and shoulder met and she kept freezing. Eyes cast down and hands clasped together as the conditioning and memories took over while she stood there silently crying.
It was Ewan she felt the worst for though. Her touchy boyfriend had gotten a tight hug, the kind where neither of them wanted to let go, when she first got home. But after that she'd withdrawn again. She hated herself for it more and more everyday. She could see the hurt in his eyes as she forced a smile at him when he put his arm around her in public, just like she could see the pain from all of her crewmates when she shied away from them.
She hated herself, but she couldn't help it. The last time someone had laid hands on her, it had been Sevoc. His hands around her throat until her vision had fogged and she'd collapsed, unconscious, to the floor of her cell after a beating. And after 3 months living with a touch averse smuggler….she was severely touch starved. But that didn't change the fact that anytime someone touched her, she wanted to cry. Her skin crawled whenever someone brushed by her; but it burned with that familiar ache that told her it had been too long since she'd let her guard down.
Her eyes opened as she heard Ewan come into the room, and she smiled at him.
"You alright?" He asked, eyebrows pinched with concern, "You snuck off, I was a little worried."
She nodded. "I'm fine. I was just a little overwhelmed, that's all."
Ewan returned her smile, and reached for her hand. His fingers brushed against her knuckles, and Avanda swore she could feel her skin light on fire. She fought so hard not to wince and pull away from his touch; which was meant to be a comfort, but it was a losing battle.
"I'm sorry," she whimpered as she pulled her hand to her chest, rubbing a thumb over her knuckles, "I'm so sorry, Ewan. Really, I am. I should-"
"Don't be sorry, Lass. You've got a lot of recovering to do still. I know that."
She could hear the hurt in his voice. "I'm sorry, really Ewan. It's me, not you, I promise-"
"Avanda." His voice was gentle. "It's alright, really. You're still healing. I get that."
Avanda wiped her eyes. "I'm sor-"
Ewan laughed a little, "For God's sake you're gonna give Addie a run for his money. There's nothing to be sorry for, love. He hurt you, and you're healing. You know as well as anyone that healing takes time." He fidgeted with the edge of a blanket as he spoke, keeping his hands busy so that they wouldn't find their way to the side of her face.
"I just-I want to hold your hand, Ewan. I just...I can't. Not yet. And it scares me; I don't know when I will again."
Ewan chewed his lip a little as he thought. "I...I may have an idea." He shifted, sitting cross legged on the couch and facing her. He rubbed his hands together. "Here, put your hands up, like this." He put his hands up, palms facing her. She frowned, mirroring him and moving hesitantly to rest her hands against his, jaw twitching and forehead creased into a frown. Ewan shook his head, leaning back so that they didn't touch.
"No. See, I'll hold my hands here, perfectly still, and you can move as close as you want. Stop while you still feel comfortable." He explained. His face twisted into a soft smile, "It'll be like a game."
Avanda frowned a little. "Ewan…"
"Just give it a try?"
She sighed, rellenting and holding her hands up. She guessed there was about a foot between them. Her gaze flicked up to meet Ewan's, and she fought a smile back as she saw his face. His eyes were wide and full of excitement and hope, his crooked grin splitting his face as he nodded to her in encouragement. Avanda let the smile win, pushing her hands towards his. She paused at six inches, the smile fading into a more confused look.
"This is all the closer I can go, I'm-"
"That's amazing!" Ewan said, nodding quickly. "That's perfect, Lass. Do you want to just sit like this for a while?"
Avanda stared at their hands for a while. "Yes." She whispered.
"Alright. Perfect. How was your day?"
"What?" Her frown deepened as she looked away from her hands, looking at Ewan.
"How was your day?" He repeated.
"It was…fine? I'm still really overwhelmed." She admitted.
"There's a lot going on." Ewan agreed. "Is there any way I can help?"
"I don't think so. Not yet. I just…" she sighed, "I have so many triggers. And they're all so...frequent. I had four panic attacks this morning, and that was before I even went down to the base."
"I'm sorry. Do the breathing exercises help?"
"When I remember them. But that's usually the last thing on my mind." Avanda was vaguely aware that her hands had crept slightly closer to his. It was a millimeter maybe, but it was closer.
"I can help you with them." Ewan said. "You can call me, or text me, and I can help walk you through them if I'm not around. If you think that would help?"
"Y-yeah, actually that might. Thank you."
"Do the crew know? They could help you too, I'm sure of it-"
"No." Avanda shook her head. "Not-not yet. I'm-just not yet."
"Ok. Ok that's just fine. But it may not be a bad idea to think of someone else that could help if you can't get a hold of me. Just think on it, right?"
"Ok." Avanda was surprised at how natural this felt. "Ewan, what's--what're we doing?"
"Holding hands." He answered, "Holding hands and talking."
"This?"
"Yes. From now on, this is how we'll do it. Anytime you want to hold my hand, just put your hand up like this," He put a hand down, leaving the other up like it was resting on a pane of glass, "and I'll do the same. Then you can move as close as you like."
"And what about when you want to hold hands?"
Ewan shrugged. "It goes both ways then. Would it help if I asked for permission first?"
Avanda felt her heart sink. "Maybe...just for now. I'm-"
"Good. Then I will."
Avanda was silent for a long time. She could feel tears building up in her throat as her fingers spread and flexed, Ewan mimicking her as though each finger were attached by a string.
"Why are you doing this?" She finally asked in a broken whisper. "Ewan, why? All this effort…"
"Because I love you." Ewan said evenly. "And because it's my job to make sure you feel safe. And I'll do anything it takes to show you just how much I love you."
Avanda wiped her eyes again. "Thank you."
"Of course, Lass."
"I love you, too."
"I know."
Ewan sighed and leaned against the wall, his eyes closing. He was exhausted. Nothing seemed to be slowing down, in fact, things were just getting even more chaotic.
"Hey," the soft voice caught his attention and he picked his head up, eyes opening as he forced a smile.
"Hey."
Avanda held her hand up, and he mirrored her. It had been about a month now since they'd started this system, and Ewan loved that it seemed to be working. Avanda closed the distance between them to about an inch now. Closer than she'd gotten so far.
Ewan looked at her and smiled again, before it faded at the serious look in her eyes.
"What's the matter?"
"You're allowed to break." She whispered.
"What do you mean?"
She sighed a little. "Ewan, things are crazy. Chaotic and scary and just...you don't have to keep this strong composure up all the time."
"I-I do though." Ewan whispered, "I've been- I've be-been-been through-" he sighed, his jaw clenching as he scowled, trying to reign the stutter in. "I've been through wor-worse. I should be able to han-handle this."
"Ewan, please." He jumped a little as her other hand rested against the side of his face, eyes widening slightly at the action. "Please. Just because it could be worse doesn't mean that things are-- all fine and dandy here and now. Things are shit right now. It's alright to admit that. It's alright to break down."
Ewan nodded a little, licking his lips. "I s-sup-suppose you're right. But I just-what-what about you? I have to-to be here for you. I have to hold it to-together, because you need-"
"Ewan, if I'm the reason you're keeping everything all bottled up, then maybe we need to talk. This-I'm fine." She wiggled her fingers and drew his attention back to the small gap between their palms. "I'm healing. It's going to take time. A lot of time. You can't keep yourself trapped 'until I'm better' because who knows how long that's going to be?" Ewan nodded a little. Avanda pulled him so that their foreheads were pressed together. "Let me be here for you as much as you've been here for me, alright?"
Ewan nodded again, eyes fixed on Avanda's fingers, still hovering away from his.
"Alright."
Avanda kissed him gently and her fingers curled into his hair. "Ewan, please don't make me tell you to cry."
Ewan laughed a little.
"I'm serious! Just...just let it out, ok?" Her hand broke away from his and she pulled him into a hug, hands running up and down his back and neck. Ewan buried his face into her hair and let the tears flow silently.
He wanted to hold her too. To wrap his arms around her and ball his fists around her flannel the way she did when he held her through a panic attack, but he knew she wouldn't be ready for that. He could tell that she was already sacrificing her comfort for his just by being this close to him. So he let his fingers toy with the end of her braid, and he let his thumb rub gently up and down her spine where his hand rested on the small of her back. And he let himself cry. Which was more than he had given himself in a long time.
Hey @my renegade archangel peeps! I know my updates are pretty few and far between, but I do want to write stories and excerpts that you enjoy. I know that all I've been posting lately is Ewan+Avanda stuff, but that's mostly just because that's what I'm motivated to write. What is your honest opinion on those pieces? Should I just assume that I'm the only one who really enjoys that and use them as warm ups that don't get posted? I won't stop writing completely, I just want to know where I should be spending my energy!
(Also I do have a platonic Thane+Avanda bit that hopefully I will post in the next few days, so don't dispair!)
Ok. I’ve been sitting on this for long enough...2430 words of angsty sadness. I’ll put warnings in the tags as well, but it does deal with the loss of a pregnancy, so please be careful if that may trigger you. (We do get to see some Brotp Bonding though, so I mean there is that at least.) modern au
“Whoa, hey now,” Thane said as he crouched down on the ground next to Avanda, “Crying on the floor in the storage closet is kinda my gig. Not gonna lie, Av, you’re kinda stepping on my toes here.”
Avanda sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes. “Sorry. I’ll be out in a minute. Do they need me in the hospital?”
“No, I came looking for you myself.” Thane said as he reached out, laying a hand on her shoulder. “You seemed off earlier, I wanted to make sure you’re ok.”
Avanda forced a laugh. “I’m fine.”
“No, you aren’t. What’s going on?”
Avanda shook her head, smoothing out the fabric of her shirt. “Nothing. It’s nothing, really.”
“That may just be the biggest lie you’ve ever told me.” Thane said, shifting into a more comfortable position, “Now c’mon. You’ve been acting weird all night; I haven’t even seen you drink a cup of coffee, what’s going on?”
“You can’t tell anyone.”
Thane smiled a little. “Hey, I’ve kept your secrets before. What’s one more?”
Avanda took a deep, shaky breath and nodded a little. “I was...late,” she started, “Like...two weeks late. So I took a test, and it came back positive.” She laughed bitterly, “I was so excited I took three more, just to be sure, and they all came back the same. So I waited a while, ya know, trying to figure out how to tell Ewan, and then today...I was going to tell him tomorrow...when he got home from work, but today…”
Thane’s face was a mask of concern as his hand rubbed up and down Avanda’s arm as she cried now, trying not to tear up himself as he connected the dots of her fragmented story.
“I had cramps in my back all day, and I felt tired, and-and I went to the bathroom, and there was blood, there was a lot of blood, Thane...And now, I have no idea if the tests were just....wrong,...or if...if I......lost…..” Her hand came up to her face now, covering her mouth as she started sobbing again.
Thane pulled her into a hug, running his hand over her braid. “Oh Av. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He murmured. “Is there any chance…?”
Avanda shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
“God, Av.” He pressed his cheek to her hair and sighed. “I’m so so sorry. Does anyone else know?”
She shook her head, “I wanted to tell Ewan before I told anyone else. Just me and my doctor, and you.”
Thane nodded. At least people won’t be asking...He didn’t say it out loud. But it was a small comfort, at least. “You should go to your doctor, though. I mean, maybe…”
“Yeah.” Avanda hiccupped, “I’ll give her a call. I’ve gotta go clean myself up…”
Thane stood up, taking her hand and helping her to her feet as well. “It’s--” He stopped, deciding that some phrases were better left unsaid during times like these, even if they were the only words you knew to say. So instead he told her: “I love you, Avocado. And I’ll be here for you, ok?”
Avanda sighed and wiped her eyes again. “Yeah...yeah, thanks Thane.”
********
Thane found Avanda in the small break room an hour later, her head resting on the table, her hands clasped under her chin.
“I haven’t seen you sit like that since we were studying for finals and you were trying not to fall asleep while Carina made flash cards.” He teased gently, setting the Styrofoam cup down in front of her. “Decaf.” He said with a small nod to the cup as she sat up. “Just in case.”
“Thanks.” Her voice was like sandpaper as she wrapped her hands around it, not moving to drink it.
Thane glanced out the door quickly to make sure no one was walking by that might overhear them. “Did you call your doctor?”
Avanda nodded a little. “I have an appointment at 9:30. First one of the day.”
Thane nodded, taking a sip of his own coffee. “Do you want me to drive you in?” He finally asked.
“Yes please.”
He smiled at her and nodded. “I’ll see you at nine, then.”
“Thank you.”
********
Thane’s leg bounced a little as he sat in the waiting room with Avanda. He’d asked if she wanted him to wait with her, or if he should stay in the car. He didn’t want her to feel like he was hounding her, but he didn’t want her to feel like he was abandoning her, either. He had been relieved when she had asked him to come in with her.
She looked a mess, if he was being honest. Her flannel was buttoned crooked, and her braid was frayed. She had opted to wear her glasses instead of her contacts, which was a first in a long time. Even on days when she had a migraine she still put her contacts in, claiming that they were more comfortable.
He squeezed her hand a little as the door opened, a nurse popping her head out and calling Avanda’s name.
“Come with me, please.” She said, looking at him before she stood. “Please, I don’t think I can do this alone.”
Thane nodded and stood up with her, still holding her hand. “Of course.”
They followed the nurse to the exam room, and he waited outside while Avanda changed into a gown. She opened the door and he stepped in, returning to his post at her side as she sat down on the exam table.
“It’s gonna be ok, Av.” He whispered. “God, I’m sorry. I know it’s- that’s gotta sound really insensitive, huh? Like, how would I know? I just meant--we’ll get you through this.”
“Thank you.” She squeezed his hand a little. “I knew what you meant.”
“Good morning.” The doctor stepped into the room, a professional smile on her face. “You must be the father.” She reached a hand out for Thane to shake.
“Oh, uh no. No, I’m the uncle actually.” He said, shaking her hand. “Thane.”
“I see.” The doctor nodded to him a little before turning to Avanda. “And how are you feeling this morning?” She asked.
Avanda sighed. “Achy and tired. And I had a low-grade fever this morning before I left home.”
The doctor nodded before taking a seat next to Avanda and setting up some things that Thane couldn’t quite make sense of. “We’re going to start by taking some blood, send it to the lab for them to look at, and then we’ll do an ultrasound and see what’s going on, alright?”
“Alright.” Avanda’s voice was small as she laid her head back on the pillow, her hand shaking in Thane’s grip.
Thane smiled at her as she turned her head away from the doctor, her eyes screwed shut as the needles came out.
“Hey, remember that time Ny tried to do a blood draw on you?” He asked, trying to distract her a little, “I can’t believe Cael and I were able to hold you down.”
She gritted her teeth a little and winced as the doctor pricked her arm.
“You’re doing good. She’s only taking a little.”
Avanda nodded. “I know.”
“All done.” The doctor said with a forced cheerfulness. “That wasn’t so bad, now was it?”
Avanda said nothing, her head turning back to the doctor.
The room fell rather silent as she set up for the ultrasound. Thane watched the screen with Avanda, eyes glued to the black and white on it, hoping and praying for news to be good.
“Well?” Avanda finally asked.
“Well,” The doctor said slowly, “It’s...not looking hopeful right now.” She admitted. “There are one or two more things I want to look at first though, before I make an official diagnosis…”
********
“You won’t tell him?”
Thane looked up at Avanda now. She had cried the whole way home, and upon their return to the apartment she shared with Ewan, had locked herself in the bathroom for about two hours. Thane had taken to stress baking, making enough cookies to feed the Renegades until the war was won. Avanda stood before him now, her hair unbraided and wild around her tear-stained face.
“Of course not.” Thane said, drying his hands on the dish towel he’d thrown over his shoulder. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”
“Thank you Thane. For everything, really. I just…” She sank into the chair at the table, and he slid the plate of cookies over to her.
“The doctor said she wants to see you again on Friday,” Thane said hopefully, “There’s a chance…” He trailed off as Avanda shook her head.
“I don’t think there is. I think she was just trying to give me hope.”
They were silent for a long time, both of them picking at the table a little.
“Will you tell him?” Thane finally asked.
Avanda sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I should. I just...I don’t want him to hurt as badly as I am.”
“He would want to help you.”
“I know. But...why bring him the pain just so that I don’t have to carry it alone?”
“So that you don’t have to carry it alone.” Thane said, “You shouldn’t have to, Av. You two are in this together. You always have been. Let him help you.”
“I don’t know if I can. Maybe if I get good news on Friday…”
Thane sighed. “Do you want my opinion?”
“We both know you’re going to give it to me whether I want to hear it or not.” Avanda scoffed, crossing her arms. “May as well spit it out.”
“I think you should tell him. I think you should tell him, and should let him go with you on Friday. If you get good news, then awesome. You’ll be far enough along that you should be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and he’ll get to hear it with you. If you get bad news? Well then he’ll be there to hold you and to sit with you through that too.” Thane leaned forward, taking her hands in his. “If you are making a new life with him, I think that he should get to be here with you through the good and bad and all in between.”
Avanda nodded a little. “I suppose you’re right.” She whispered. “I just...I don’t want him to mourn what he didn’t even know he had.”
“But doesn’t he deserve that right?” Thane asked.
“I suppose so.”
“I love you, Av. And I know you’re going to make it through this. I just hope that you don’t feel like you have to make it through this alone.”
********
Avanda fidgeted with the sleeve on her flannel. “Ewan...Love, we need to talk about something.”
Ewan looked up at her, eyes quizzical. “Of course, Lass. What is it?”
“I, uh…we…” She laughed a little, feeling the tears start. “I can’t do this. Here.” She pulled out the box, and offered it to him.
Ewan frowned a little. “What’s this?”
“Just...open it.” Her stomach was tied in knots. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, this was wrong. She had put the tests in there, expecting him to be happy when he opened the box, and to stay happy. He wasn’t supposed to open it and smile, only for her to drop a bombshell on him before he even really knew what was happening. She couldn’t watch as he pulled the lid off and removed the four positive pregnancy tests. She couldn’t watch as he started smiling, laughing a little as the meaning sank in.
“Av, are you serious? Really? Are you--” He frowned as he looked up at her, seeing the tears streaming silently down her face. “Are you crying? Babe are you crying?” He stood up, walking over to her as she nodded. He laughed a little. “Sweetheart, why are you crying?”
“Because that’s not all.” Avanda pulled away from him, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, I’m sorry.” She sighed, wiping tears away again. “I think...I was going to tell you sooner; but then something happened, and I think...I think I lost the baby.” She stared at the floor as she whispered the words, speaking them for the first time.
Ewan was silent, digesting the information. “Have. Have you seen a doctor yet? Do you know for sure?” His voice was tight and she could tell he was trying to hold himself together.
“I went to the doctor. She said that she wanted to see me again on Friday. She couldn’t ...say for sure.”
“What time is your appointment?”
“11:45.”
“Can I come with you? I'll leave work, I'll come meet you at the doctor's office.”
Avanda nodded.
Ewan pulled her into his arms, resting his chin on her head as he held her.
“I don’t think we’re going to get good news.” She said, her arms wrapping around his waist. “I don’t- I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Ewan said, kissing her hair. “Nothing.”
“I should have told you-”
“Stop.” Ewan said softly, shaking his head, “Just, stop. You didn’t do anything wrong in any of this. That’s not how this works. I love you, and I’m going to stay right here with you, the whole time. And if we don’t get good news on Friday, then so be it. I’ll still be right here with you.”
Avanda said nothing. She just stood there, crying. He was the only reason she was still standing. Her legs had given out a while ago now, leaving her leaning against him. He didn’t waver as he held her.
“And if we do get good news on Friday,” He said as he ran his fingers through her hair, “Then you and I are going to be in for one hell of an adventure, Lass."
********
Ewan squeezed her hand tightly as they waited for the doctor to say something, anything.
"Well?"
"I'm very sorry, Miss Alistarion."
Ewan let go of her hand, pulling her into his arms as tightly as he could as she wailed, her hands scrabbling against his bullet proof vest.
And just as quickly as the joy had come in, it had been swept away again. Hopes that neither of them had really realized that they had were dashed away, dreams that they never knew they had dreamed were shattered; leaving them clinging to each other and sobbing in the doctor's office.
Ewan couldn’t remember the last time that he had slept. He had tried, of course, but he hadn’t been able to at all. Every time he climbed into bed, he was reminded of how empty it was. Of how cold it was. Of how it had felt when she was there. It had been close to a month since Nyar had told him about Avanda’s disappearance, and he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about where she was since then. He refused to accept that she was dead. She couldn’t be. And there was no way that she had betrayed them. So he had spent every waking hour thinking about her, obsessing over where she could have vanished to.
He sat up on the edge on his bed and sighed, running a hand through his hair. It had been a month, and no one could find her. Her father had sent search parties to every corner of the galaxy, but they had returned with nothing. He had volunteered to lead searches himself, but King Alistairion had always refused him, giving him reasons why he needed him to stay.
“The guard is weak enough, I can’t send one of my best away when home needs to be defended.”
“You’re a brilliant strategist. I need you here.”
“Your duties here are too important. I need you here.”
It had been today that had broken Ewan when he begged again to search for the King’s daughter, tears barely restrained. The king had turned his own eyes to the boy, sad and deep with regret.
“Your brothers have lost so much already. I can’t ask your family to sacrifice anymore.”
Ewan stood, shaking his head and walking to the window, staring at the stars. Who knew how many of them lay between him and his love? A memory stirred of a song that she had sung softly to herself as she went about the house and her day, hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. The words seemed to fall from his lips on their own, without his consent.
“Come over the hills, My bonnie Irish lass; Come over the hills to your darling; you choose the road, love, and I’ll make the vow; and I’ll be your true love forever.”
Avanda shivered in the corner of the cell that she had been left in. Her head ached and her mind had begun to spiral. It was cold, and empty, and silent. She couldn’t stop her mind, as badly as she wanted to. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Nyar telling her to run. Every time she breathed, she remembered how hard she and Thane had laughed the last time they had been together. Every time she stretched, she could see Jalev climbing a tree, or Carina sprawled in the grass watching the clouds, and it hurt.
But even worse was when she tried to sleep.
Because when she slept, she dreamed.
And every time she dreamed, it was of him.
Dreaming was worse than being awake. Awake, she was here; cold and miserable. Hungry and scared. But dreaming was worse.They were vivid and realistic and painful. She could feel his arms around her. She could smell the forest on his skin when he came home from hunting. She could see the stars in his eyes, she could--
“No,” She sobbed, rubbing the heel of her palm into her eyes until she saw stars. She couldn’t do this again. She wasn’t strong enough now. Her teeth chattered and she tried desperately to distract herself.
“Red is the rose that in yonder garden grows; fair is the lily of the valley, clear is the water that flows from the Boyne; but my love is fairer than any.”
Ewan shouldered his quiver with a sigh. Hunting was getting harder, now that the seasons were changing. The larger game were beginning to migrate now, and the smaller game wasn’t going to feed the family for long. Fishing was fine, but as the water in the river got colder, even they were harder to catch. He scowled as his boots crunched the brittle brown leaves underfoot, the frost stiffening them even more. He froze with his foot resting on the trunk of the tree that stretched across the river. His shoulders sank as he recalled the night that he had led Avanda here.
He could still see the stars in her eyes and the moonlight as it danced across her skin. He could feel her hair tangled around his finger. He could still taste her smile.
‘Twas down by Kilarney’s green woods that we strayed; When the moon and the stars they were shining; The moon shone its rays on her locks of golden hair; And she swore she’d be my love forever.
The songs had become everything to her now. They always had been though, hadn’t they? When she was a child and they had stolen her memories, she had clung to her lullaby. The words had been the only ones in her native tounge that she had known. Their meaning had been lost, maybe. But the familiarity hadn’t been. They had been her anchor then, just as they were now. At least now there were more songs. There were more words now to rattle around her mind, loosening memories and soothing and healing the wounds that her captors had inflicted.
“Red is the rose that in yonder garden grows; fair is the lily of the valley, clear is the water, that flows from th Boyne, but my love is fairer than any.”
Ewan had never felt loss like this. He had been a boy when his father died, but he could still remember it in vivid detail. The passing of his mother had come a year later, leaving him and his twin to care for an infant and a toddler. He had grieved, and it had taken years for him to accept that his parents were gone. There had been a time that he had even resented them for it. But this wasn’t the same at all. It was worse, it was stronger.
It filled every waking hour with a terrible sting, reminding him that he should have been with her. It kept him awake, whispering that he had failed her, just as his father had.
Besides, every day without her was just a bitter reminder that she was gone. He had thought that he missed her when she left for the mission. He had thought that his heart had ached when he heard her voice on the radio, filled with static as she gave a report across the galaxy. But that ache was nothing compared to this pain. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see her again. He prayed every night that the next morning would bring some scrap of news, some hint that perhaps there was a new place to search for her. But each sunrise brought nothing more than bitter disappointment.
He had never felt a loss like this. And as time went by, he was beginning to think that it was all he would ever feel, the rest of his life.
It’s not for the parting that my sister pains;It’s not for the grief of my mother; ‘Tis all for the loos of my Bonnie Irish lass; That my heart is breaking forever.
