Avanda closed her eyes, thankful to finally be away from the crew for a while. She was beyond excited to finally be home again, to be around them; but she still wasn't quite ready to be as…..touchy- as they wanted to be.
Caelum kept hugging her from behind and resting his chin on her head; an old habit he'd started as soon as he had passed her in height, and she was still ducking out of his arms and trying to hide how badly she was shaking. Thane kept lying down and resting his head in her lap, and she was always making excuses to get up. Nyar kept clapping her on the shoulder, a hand gently gripping the space where her neck and shoulder met and she kept freezing. Eyes cast down and hands clasped together as the conditioning and memories took over while she stood there silently crying.
It was Ewan she felt the worst for though. Her touchy boyfriend had gotten a tight hug, the kind where neither of them wanted to let go, when she first got home. But after that she'd withdrawn again. She hated herself for it more and more everyday. She could see the hurt in his eyes as she forced a smile at him when he put his arm around her in public, just like she could see the pain from all of her crewmates when she shied away from them.
She hated herself, but she couldn't help it. The last time someone had laid hands on her, it had been Sevoc. His hands around her throat until her vision had fogged and she'd collapsed, unconscious, to the floor of her cell after a beating. And after 3 months living with a touch averse smuggler….she was severely touch starved. But that didn't change the fact that anytime someone touched her, she wanted to cry. Her skin crawled whenever someone brushed by her; but it burned with that familiar ache that told her it had been too long since she'd let her guard down.
Her eyes opened as she heard Ewan come into the room, and she smiled at him.
"You alright?" He asked, eyebrows pinched with concern, "You snuck off, I was a little worried."
She nodded. "I'm fine. I was just a little overwhelmed, that's all."
Ewan returned her smile, and reached for her hand. His fingers brushed against her knuckles, and Avanda swore she could feel her skin light on fire. She fought so hard not to wince and pull away from his touch; which was meant to be a comfort, but it was a losing battle.
"I'm sorry," she whimpered as she pulled her hand to her chest, rubbing a thumb over her knuckles, "I'm so sorry, Ewan. Really, I am. I should-"
"Don't be sorry, Lass. You've got a lot of recovering to do still. I know that."
She could hear the hurt in his voice. "I'm sorry, really Ewan. It's me, not you, I promise-"
"Avanda." His voice was gentle. "It's alright, really. You're still healing. I get that."
Avanda wiped her eyes. "I'm sor-"
Ewan laughed a little, "For God's sake you're gonna give Addie a run for his money. There's nothing to be sorry for, love. He hurt you, and you're healing. You know as well as anyone that healing takes time." He fidgeted with the edge of a blanket as he spoke, keeping his hands busy so that they wouldn't find their way to the side of her face.
"I just-I want to hold your hand, Ewan. I just...I can't. Not yet. And it scares me; I don't know when I will again."
Ewan chewed his lip a little as he thought. "I...I may have an idea." He shifted, sitting cross legged on the couch and facing her. He rubbed his hands together. "Here, put your hands up, like this." He put his hands up, palms facing her. She frowned, mirroring him and moving hesitantly to rest her hands against his, jaw twitching and forehead creased into a frown. Ewan shook his head, leaning back so that they didn't touch.
"No. See, I'll hold my hands here, perfectly still, and you can move as close as you want. Stop while you still feel comfortable." He explained. His face twisted into a soft smile, "It'll be like a game."
Avanda frowned a little. "Ewan…"
"Just give it a try?"
She sighed, rellenting and holding her hands up. She guessed there was about a foot between them. Her gaze flicked up to meet Ewan's, and she fought a smile back as she saw his face. His eyes were wide and full of excitement and hope, his crooked grin splitting his face as he nodded to her in encouragement. Avanda let the smile win, pushing her hands towards his. She paused at six inches, the smile fading into a more confused look.
"This is all the closer I can go, I'm-"
"That's amazing!" Ewan said, nodding quickly. "That's perfect, Lass. Do you want to just sit like this for a while?"
Avanda stared at their hands for a while. "Yes." She whispered.
"Alright. Perfect. How was your day?"
"What?" Her frown deepened as she looked away from her hands, looking at Ewan.
"How was your day?" He repeated.
"It was…fine? I'm still really overwhelmed." She admitted.
"There's a lot going on." Ewan agreed. "Is there any way I can help?"
"I don't think so. Not yet. I just…" she sighed, "I have so many triggers. And they're all so...frequent. I had four panic attacks this morning, and that was before I even went down to the base."
"I'm sorry. Do the breathing exercises help?"
"When I remember them. But that's usually the last thing on my mind." Avanda was vaguely aware that her hands had crept slightly closer to his. It was a millimeter maybe, but it was closer.
"I can help you with them." Ewan said. "You can call me, or text me, and I can help walk you through them if I'm not around. If you think that would help?"
"Y-yeah, actually that might. Thank you."
"Do the crew know? They could help you too, I'm sure of it-"
"No." Avanda shook her head. "Not-not yet. I'm-just not yet."
"Ok. Ok that's just fine. But it may not be a bad idea to think of someone else that could help if you can't get a hold of me. Just think on it, right?"
"Ok." Avanda was surprised at how natural this felt. "Ewan, what's--what're we doing?"
"Holding hands." He answered, "Holding hands and talking."
"This?"
"Yes. From now on, this is how we'll do it. Anytime you want to hold my hand, just put your hand up like this," He put a hand down, leaving the other up like it was resting on a pane of glass, "and I'll do the same. Then you can move as close as you like."
"And what about when you want to hold hands?"
Ewan shrugged. "It goes both ways then. Would it help if I asked for permission first?"
Avanda felt her heart sink. "Maybe...just for now. I'm-"
"Good. Then I will."
Avanda was silent for a long time. She could feel tears building up in her throat as her fingers spread and flexed, Ewan mimicking her as though each finger were attached by a string.
"Why are you doing this?" She finally asked in a broken whisper. "Ewan, why? All this effort…"
"Because I love you." Ewan said evenly. "And because it's my job to make sure you feel safe. And I'll do anything it takes to show you just how much I love you."
Avanda wiped her eyes again. "Thank you."
"Of course, Lass."
"I love you, too."
"I know."
Ewan sighed and leaned against the wall, his eyes closing. He was exhausted. Nothing seemed to be slowing down, in fact, things were just getting even more chaotic.
"Hey," the soft voice caught his attention and he picked his head up, eyes opening as he forced a smile.
"Hey."
Avanda held her hand up, and he mirrored her. It had been about a month now since they'd started this system, and Ewan loved that it seemed to be working. Avanda closed the distance between them to about an inch now. Closer than she'd gotten so far.
Ewan looked at her and smiled again, before it faded at the serious look in her eyes.
"What's the matter?"
"You're allowed to break." She whispered.
"What do you mean?"
She sighed a little. "Ewan, things are crazy. Chaotic and scary and just...you don't have to keep this strong composure up all the time."
"I-I do though." Ewan whispered, "I've been- I've be-been-been through-" he sighed, his jaw clenching as he scowled, trying to reign the stutter in. "I've been through wor-worse. I should be able to han-handle this."
"Ewan, please." He jumped a little as her other hand rested against the side of his face, eyes widening slightly at the action. "Please. Just because it could be worse doesn't mean that things are-- all fine and dandy here and now. Things are shit right now. It's alright to admit that. It's alright to break down."
Ewan nodded a little, licking his lips. "I s-sup-suppose you're right. But I just-what-what about you? I have to-to be here for you. I have to hold it to-together, because you need-"
"Ewan, if I'm the reason you're keeping everything all bottled up, then maybe we need to talk. This-I'm fine." She wiggled her fingers and drew his attention back to the small gap between their palms. "I'm healing. It's going to take time. A lot of time. You can't keep yourself trapped 'until I'm better' because who knows how long that's going to be?" Ewan nodded a little. Avanda pulled him so that their foreheads were pressed together. "Let me be here for you as much as you've been here for me, alright?"
Ewan nodded again, eyes fixed on Avanda's fingers, still hovering away from his.
"Alright."
Avanda kissed him gently and her fingers curled into his hair. "Ewan, please don't make me tell you to cry."
Ewan laughed a little.
"I'm serious! Just...just let it out, ok?" Her hand broke away from his and she pulled him into a hug, hands running up and down his back and neck. Ewan buried his face into her hair and let the tears flow silently.
He wanted to hold her too. To wrap his arms around her and ball his fists around her flannel the way she did when he held her through a panic attack, but he knew she wouldn't be ready for that. He could tell that she was already sacrificing her comfort for his just by being this close to him. So he let his fingers toy with the end of her braid, and he let his thumb rub gently up and down her spine where his hand rested on the small of her back. And he let himself cry. Which was more than he had given himself in a long time.
Ok, this got really out of hand (2767 words....). I'll try to get the read more added to it here soon. This is a re-write, couldn't find the original post, sorry. But! Caretaker!Nyar, whumpee!Avanda so fun stuff. Tw: car crash mention, hospitals
Nyar shook, feeling nauseous as the nurse led him out to the waiting room. His left hand wrapped in a cast, he'd been given pain medications, and his mind was foggy. Weather that was from the medication, or the concussion, or the shock, he really wasn't sure.
"My friend...the one that came in with me, where-where is she?" He asked as he sank into the chair.
"She'll still be in surgery. You can wait here if you'd like. I'm sure…."
Nyar didn't hear the rest of what she said. He replayed the crash in his head, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. What he had done, what he should have done better, what he was supposed to have done to save her.
And now Avanda was in surgery. And he had no clue what was going on. His hand shook as he dug his phone out of his pocket. He knew Avanda had been the one who was supposed to pick up Ewan's little brothers, he had to get ahold of someone to take care of that and sort it out.
He typed Ewan's name into his phone's contacts. Nothing.
He tried Adair. Still nothing.
Castor. Nothing.
MacClyde.
Adonis.
No contacts pulled up for any of them, and he frowned. So he called the only person who's name he could think of. The one person he wanted to talk to the most.
"Hey, I was starting to worry." Jace's voice was full of concern, thinly veiled by the relife that was seeping through the phone's speaker.
"Hey um. I'm...not gonna make rehearsal today."
"Yeah, no I got that. What's up?" Jace Still sounded worried.
"I um. We uh. We were. Um."
"Ny? Are you alright?"
Nyar's voice shook as he spoke again. "We um. We were in a car accident."
"Oh my God, Nyar are you ok?"
"Uh, yeah I think so? I mean I just...I broke my wrist and a few ribs and have a bit of a concussion. But um. Av…" He choked on a sob. "Av was-she took most of it, and they took her into surgery and- I don't know who her doctor is, I don't think MacClyde is working today, I don't know if she's ok…"
"Nyar, babe, it's ok. It's going to be ok. Just take a deep breath for me alright?"
Nyar nodded and took a shaky breath in.
"Ok. What can I do for you? Do you want me to come to the hospital? Do you need me to call the crew?"
"Um. I-I think you should call Adonis. Av was supposed to pick the kids up. I-I don't have his number. Or either of the MacClyde's."
"Ok. Ok, yeah. I'll call Cas and we'll get the boys and then we'll come to the hospital, ok?"
"Ok."
"Ok. Hang in there, Big Guy. We'll be there as soon as we can be."
"Thank you."
"I love you, babe."
"I love you too. Drive safe."
He sighed as he hung up the phone. He was terrified. He had no idea what to do. He screwed his eyes shut, trying not to think about the sound of the screeching tires.
“Mr. Frostbane?” He leapt to his feet when the doctor called his name.
“Yeah, how is she?”
The doctor nodded at him a little. “She’s doing better. She's a little worse for wear, but that chest wound was really the worst of it. That being said, good job leaving the shrapnel in, it would have bled more if you’d taken it out.”
Nyar picked at his cast. “Yeah...uh, well that-that was really Avanda’s doing. She’s the medic.”
“Well, regardless, she has you to thank. The bleeding has stopped now, we got her all stitched up. She’s got a pretty bad concussion, two broken ribs and a broken wrist, among a few other things that we can go into more detail with later. It will be at least a few days before we can let her go home, maybe a week. Have you called her family?”
Nyar shifted, "I'll um...I'll try to get ahold of them, they don't live in town, they'll have to get a flight. And her boyfriend…” Nyar trailed off. Ewan was on a mission with Thane. They were both pretty deep undercover for now, and he had no idea how, or if the base would be able to contact them. “He’ll be here as soon as he can.”
The doctor nodded. “Good. In the meantime, do you want to go see her? She’s going to be very sleepy, and pretty out of it, but you’re welcome to go see her.”
Nyar nodded, “Yeah, um, yes please.”
He followed a nurse down the hall to the room Avanda was in. There was another nurse in the room, hooking her up to machines and checking the IVs. Avanda was asleep, as far as he could tell. The nurse that had led him in showed him the chair, but he didn’t sit. He couldn’t. She looked so small, and so broken.
He was hit by a wave of guilt. He was her captain. He was supposed to protect her, keep her safe, make sure that this didn’t happen.
“Don’t blame yourself, Sugar.” The nurse said, looking up from her work at Avanda’s wrist. “I’ve seen that look a lot, and I can promise you that this wasn’t your fault.”
Nyar opened his mouth, but no words came out. He closed it and nodded instead. He reached out slowly, gently pushing a strand of hair out of Avanda’s face.
“She’s going to be ok, right?” He asked finally.
The nurse looked up, “Sugar, I’m honestly more worried about you. She’s gonna be just fine. You need to have a seat.” When Nyar shook his head, she gave him a stern look over the rim of her glasses that brooked no argument. He pulled the chair up to the edge of the bed and had a seat. She nodded and looked back to her work before finally finishing up, patting Nyar on the shoulder and leaving, with a promise to be back to check on them in a few minutes.
Nyar propped his elbows on his knees, and his chin in his hands. He was torn, he knew that Avanda needed to rest, that she had been through a lot, and that waking her up would do no good. On the other hand, he really wanted her to wake up and tell him what to do.
He finally leaned back in his chair, groaning and running his hands through his hair. “God, Av, there’s a reason this is your job and not mine.”
He jumped when Avanda coughed. “Oww.” She groaned.
Nyar shot upright again and grabbed her hand, giving it a squeeze. “Av? Hey, how are you feeling?”
“Cold.” She grunted. Her hand reached up to the breathing tube and her fingers started to tug at her nose.
“Hey, you gotta leave that there.” Nyar reached up and gently moved her hand away.
“Hate cannulas.” She grumbled.
“I know, but it’s helping.”
“Bullshit.”
Nyar laughed a little. “Other than cold, how are you feeling?”
“Hungry.”
“The nurse said it’s gonna be a while until you can eat, they need to wait for you to wake up some more.”
“So? I’m a doctor, I outrank her.”
“You can’t pull rank here, Av.”
“Sure I can. I’m a doctor.”
Nyar shook his head and smiled. “Did the doctors or anybody tell you what’s...uh, what … what happened?”
She squinted and shifted, her hand gently probing her abdomen and muttering a little. “Broken ri-two broken ribs, at least, hell of a headache, so I’m guessing at least a bit of a concussion. Plus I heard a decent bit of talk about aortas, so I’m thinking at least a knick from that stupid hunk of glass?”
Nyar nodded, “Yeah, that sounds about right.”
“Hey,” She threw a lopsided grin at him and drew out the last letter, “All drugged up and still whippin’ out diagnoses like a pro.”
Nyar nodded and squeezed her hand again. “That’s my girl.”
She hummed a little and her eyes closed again. Nyar figured she was going to drift off to sleep so he leaned back in the chair, ready to drift off himself. His eyes were just sliding shut when Avanda jolted and gasped, a strangled cry escaping her lips.
“What? What’s the matter?”
“Ewan, where’s Ewan? Is he ok, he was on that mission! If he heard about this he’s gonna worry, and then he’ll do something stupid, he wont be focusing, have you heard from him?” Her eyes were wild and darting around the room, and she was straining to get out of the bed.
“Whoa, hey. Easy there, Doc. Ewan is fine. He’s with Thane, they’ll watch each other’s backs.” Nyar gently pushed her back to the pillow. “They’re the best soldiers we have, they’ll be alright.”
“But,...you haven’t heard from them?” Avanda’s lip quivered a little and her eyes were pleading.
Nyar hated himself, but he decided that maybe lying would be best here. “Yeah. I’ve heard from them. Ferret went to get them, they’re both ok.” He reached up and placed a hand on the side of her face, praying that she was on enough drugs that she wouldn’t be able to keep track of time.
Avanda sighed, and her body relaxed, “Ok. Thank you, Nyar.”
Nyar smiled. “Don’t worry about it. I’m here for you.”
Avanda looked around the room, her eyes landing on the beeping monitors next to her. “What’s that one say?” She pointed to one of the screens, squinting, “In the lower left corner, what’s it say?”
“Um, I’m not real sure.” Nyar squinted, “It’s some numbers--”
“What are they?” She tried to sit back up.
“Hey, Avanda, you aren’t the doctor here, remember? You’re the patient. You need to relax, ok?” Nyar pushed her back again.
“Where’s Ewan?”
Nyar checked his phone, and his stomach dropped. Still no word from Jace.
“He’s on his way.”
“Did he say anything about the boys?”
Finally, a question he could answer. “Castor is going to pick them up from school, then bring them right here.”
“Ok.” Avanda fidgeted her fingers, toying with one of the IVs.
Nyar took her hand again and pulled it away from the IV. “You need to rest.”
“I know.”
“I’m serious.”
Avanda pulled her eyes away from the screens for a minute, a confused look on her face.
“You need to let it go. You aren’t the doctor. There are nurses and doctors here who are working hard to make sure you recover. You aren’t responsible for Peadar and Carrick right now. Castor has been taking care of them their whole lives, he can do it again today. You weren’t assigned to that mission, Ewan and Thane are ok.” Avanda blinked and Nyar saw a few tears welling up, so he moved his chair a little closer to the bed. “And you aren’t alone, right? I’m here. You don’t need to worry about anything, because I’m right here, and I won’t let anything happen to you, ok?”
Avanda sniffed.
“You’re safe.”
Avanda didn’t say anything. She just looked away from him and back at the screens and monitors.
“I promise.”
“Thank you.” Her accent was thicker than he had heard it in a long time.
“You can rest now.”
“Thank you.”
“It’s ok. That’s my job.”
“Thank you.” Her eyes were shut now, and the grip in her hand was starting to relax. “Thank you.” Her breathing was slowing down, and becoming more even. “Thank you, Ny…”
Nyar squeezed her hand. “It’s gonna be ok.”
He wasn’t sure if he was saying it more for her benefit, or his. He stayed in the room for a while longer, dosing a little next to her bed while she slipped back under. His phone buzzed and he jumped.
We're here. Out in the waiting room. Cas just got us checked in.
Nyar squeezed Avanda's hand a little. "It's ok, Av. The troops are rallying." He teased.
He made his way down the hall again to the waiting room. Jace was standing behind Carrick, eir hands on his shoulders and his backpack slung over one shoulder. The thirteen year old's eyes were red and he was staring at the floor. The scowl plastered on his face told Nyar that he was still trying not to cry. Peadar was wrapped around Castor's leg, sniffling and hiccuping as he wiped his eyes.
"Hey." Nyar's voice was raw still as he stepped closer to them.
"How is she?" Castor demanded.
"The doctor said she'll be ok. I can't get a call to her parents though, I have no idea where else to try calling."
Castor nodded. "Ok. That's fine, I can call them. She's ok though?"
Nyar chewed his lip a little, shooting a glance at Peadar. "She's….she's ok. She's sleeping now. Or, well, she was When I left the room, anyw-"
"You left her alone?" Castor practically bellowed.
Nyar frowned, feeling his cheeks flush as he opened his mouth to snap back.
"Hey! He was in the crash too, Cas." Jace reminded Castor. "Besides, we did text him and tell him to come out here to meet us."
Castor's shoulders dropped a little and he let out a pent up breath. "Yeah, yeah you're right. Sorry, Frostbane. I'll go sit with her a while. What room is she in?"
"297." Nyar said. He watched as Castor patted Peadar's shoulder and began to lead the young boy to the door. "Castor, wait."
Castor scowled at him angrily for a moment. "I just...I'm not sure she'd want the kids to see her like this." He leaned in a little as he spoke, keeping his voice as low as he could. "She's in pretty rough shape, I just...I think maybe it would be better if you went and saw her first, then you can decide for yourself after."
Castor glanced down at Peadar quickly, then nodded. "Yeah ok. Carrick, here. Go see if you guys can find something to play with, ok?"
The thirteen year old scowled and took Peadar's hand, pulling him away from Castor.
Castor nodded a little,then shot a look to Nyar. "Thank you. I'll try not to leave you with them for long."
Jace sat down next to Nyar, watching Carrick and Peadar pick through the small toy box, halfheartedly looking for something to keep them busy. Ey frowned, looking at Nyar.
"Are you ok?"
"...No." Nyar answered. "I should have paid better attention, I should have seen the car, I should-"
"Ny. She's gonna be ok." Jace promised. "The doctor said so, right?"
"I guess." His voice was raw.
He didn't say much else after that. Carrick and Peadar both came up at some point, asking some little question or other, which Jace thankfully took care of for him. Castor finally came back, waving the boys back with him. As soon as the door closed, Jace reached over and took Nyar's hand.
"Hey." Ey said softly, squeezing his hand. "It's ok."
Nyar opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Jace wrapped eir arm around his shoulders, tracing a thumb over his cheek from the side. He sniffed a little and wiped his eyes.
"What if it isn't?'' He asked quietly.
Jace let out a soft sound and leaned eir head against him. "It will be. She's in good hands. And you were there for her too. You got her here, you did a good job keeping her alive."
"I just did what she told me to do."
"You stayed calm. You followed instructions and you did what needed to get done. That's hard to do, especially in the situation you were in."
Nyar said nothing. Jace sighed and leaned against him. Ey pressed a quick kiss to his cheek, then leaned away, aware that the rest of the crew would be arriving at any moment. Ey kept holding Nyar's hand, tracing a thumb over his knuckles.
Nyar squeezed Jace's hand as he leaned back as well, resting his head on the wall behind him.
"I love you."
"I love you too." Jace squeezed his hand as well. "And I'm really glad you're ok. I can't tell you how scared I was when you said what happened."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be." Ey pressed a kiss against his fingers. "I'm just so glad you're safe."
"Me too."
He just hoped they'd be able to say the same about Avanda.
