#ex lutheran

[ifihadmypickofwishes]

Growing up, my pastor talked a lot about God as omniscient and omnipotent. Because the Misery Synod is always at least a little bit threatening, this manifested as "God is always watching and He knows when you do something wrong."

When I developed severe anxiety as a tween, the adults in my life were confused by my feeling that I was being judged for everything I did. Looking back, I want to shake them and ask what they expected to happen. You literally told me that; you don't get to be confused by it.

[imlocalatbest]

my newest linocut

18x24

[squeesquoo]

Whoops 😬

[symph5683]

thinking about crying in church pews, watching the bill nye evolution debate under my covers at midnight in 8th grade, “we would’ve stopped it if we knew it was that bad”, how my old church bailed out a child sex offender because he said he didn’t do it, how he actually did do it, i still get emails from their art program, i couldnt join the church as a member if i wanted to, how the sanctuary unlit looked so different from the mega church it really is, how i had two completely different experiences in two different churches at the same time, how my brother is still in pictures on our old school’s website, how i can still smell the hallways, how imposing the stained glass jesus looked, how i can virtually tour the school’s halls and have a bad memory in every room, how they can still expel you for being gay, how they make each family volunteer 20 hours a year now, how the work i did there would’ve made that in a month, how my ex and i went to a basketball game for her sister together and our parents got emailed saying it was inappropriate- even though we both graduated, how the handbook says “Even if they cry and scream, children don’t have a right to privacy when it comes to the parent/child relationship”, how many church camps i went to- and how i dont think i avoided crying at a single one, how the only time i felt anything other than guilt was sitting on the stage of a concert and staring at the lights, how i’ve had a panic attack every time i go back, how i was terrified of death at age 8 because i thought i’d go to hell, how the first thought i had upon learning my sister had delays was whether or not she’d go to heaven, how heaven never felt real but hell always did, the video we watched when I was 10 where a girl (8) was told she had to do a blood transfusion to save her brother (10) and she asked the doctor after it was done “when will I die now”, how i was told very young that if a school shooter came and said i had to deny god or die i was to die, how the teacher that abused me taught me how to draw the only thing i can still draw, how my school took us to one of the largest cathedrals n the country and wouldnt let us do communion with them because our school was lutheran and they were catholic, how i could keep going for hours

[ifihadmypickofwishes]

[ifihadmypickofwishes]

Thing my mom just reminded me of that I don't really know what to do with:

My Sunday school showed me The Passion of the Christ at age 12 or 13. I remember that we needed parental permission for this. My parents don't remember getting a permission slip at all. Is one of us confused or was my Sunday school teacher a liar? Either way, who thinks it's a good idea to show kids that age The Passion of the Christ? "Yeah, it's only one of the most graphically violent mainstream movies of all time, it's cool. Just tell them to look away if they get upset."

[autisticharrywells]

Speaking of being an ex-Lutheran, since Severance has me thinking about it a lot these days, I’m so drawn to Catholic media because it’s the only thing that gives me the haunting feeling of catharsis for my religious trauma.

Protestant media always portrays the new timey evangelical thing and it doesn’t hit anywhere close to home. They remind me of other people’s churches I’ve visited. Not mine.

[theexlutheranchic]

I No Longer Want To Be In The Same Room With The People Who I Used To Worship With

My church was worse than your average high school with petty gossip and cliques. My family was never on the "in-crowd" and to be given any sort of respect, you had to tithe. If you were not privileged enough to tithe, your time volunteering for the church was never good enough. I even received a lecture as a teenager when my mother had me attend private high school that there would be enough money for the church if she stopped being selfish and sent me to public school.

The disdain I have for the people who I used to attend church with is quite real with my mother, grandparents, and I put out for these people, yet they don't have to reciprocate. We were all heavily involved but in the eyes of the privileged there, it was never enough for them.

It all changed when my father died and very few people bothered to come to my father's viewing, a phone call, or even a card after all my mother, my grandparents, and I did for so many of them. A former friend of my grandfather's at church said "I needed to know the consequences of being shy and not tithing. "

In the years of following my father's passing, I ignored the people who I went to church with in public. I never believed that your faith should be a one-way relationship and the people you worship with should punish a teenager because their family was not part of the in-crowd because they didn't tithe.

My abhorrence of the people of my former church continued even until now when they cancelled a member of the church because he dared to question where the money was coming from for a pricy ministry. When he lost his battle with Alzheimer's, they cancelled him on All-Saints Sunday by excluding him from the alter. Those who justified it, said he needed to know the consequences of not giving until it hurts because in their eyes, he was he selfish one. My former church claims they are purveyors of inclusion when they are the symbol of radical exclusion.