If you're not one of my ex boyfriends you should probably turn around bc most of this won't make any sense to you. I'm just trying to get some closure.
I am extremely restless and have so much pent-up frustration that I can't seem to get rid of no matter how much I try to be peaceful. I've been in three relationships and every single one of them ended poorly, although I will cede that my relationship with A is now the strongest bond with another human being I've ever had, but even he is no exception to the rule.
The thought that I keep coming back to, that I absolutely hate questioning, is that there must be something about me that is so inherently forgettable. Why am I so easy to forget?
I've dated lots of people who decided I wasn't the person they wanted. I can't hold that against them. They weren't who I wanted, either. But those who decided that I was the person that they wanted stuck around long enough to get me to love them before they changed their minds.
I was with K for two years before he broke up with me and started dating one of my best friends less than a month later without telling me. I was devastated for a year. We saw blink-182 together, and he moved on without me. I credit K as my first heartbreak. We had sex after he broke up with his girlfriend and I felt nothing.
D and I were together for a year. A year of emotional and mental abuse and a year of me cleaning up messes that weren't my own. A year of convincing me that I was wrong and insensitive and that I was hurting him, only to be informed just before our anniversary that he didn't love me and didn't want to speak to me anymore. We tried to be friends but now he hates me. I just want him to tell me why he lied. I don't want him to apologize anymore. He thinks apologizing will amend him of his guilt. His apologies mean shit. I just want answers.
I'm in love with A. I've never been so giddy in love with a person. We're getting married. We're the puzzle pieces that were always meant to be together, through everything, through D, and through my depression and commitment-phobia, he's the one who was always meant to be with me. I see that now, after a year and a half of fumbling. But he forgot me, too. He fucked me first, and a week later removed himself from my life without looking back. I took him back a year later in the messy aftermath of a shattered relationship built on mutual dislike. He picked up my weary heart off the ground and nursed it back to health, and I love him for that. But he forgot me, too.
