#existential grump

[harmacytechnician]

you don't think an inanimate object can have ill intentions until you have to clean your home and you realize no the apartment is sentient and it HATES me

[harmacytechnician]

I work in pharmacy, so the UHC CEO murder thing was a topic of interest after it first happened. Myself and many others who deal with countless insurance issues every day, seeing the insidious evil of it all firsthand, could not muster up much sympathy for that CEO.

When you spend an hour on the phone being put on constant holds and being given blatantly wrong information and put on a wild goose chase with no end just so some company can dodge paying for a patient's life-saving medicine, and you do this day in and day out, you can't help but develop a potent contempt for the horrific cruelty inflicted upon the patients under your care. It feels hopeless, and like an endless fight. The network of clinics I work for have a dedicated department for Prior Authorizations. All day, every day, they work tirelessly and fight with insurance companies to get things covered that never should have been questioned to begin with. I watch as these companies pull every trick they can think of to deny a claim, and how this back and forth can go on for months. I know that the longer some patients go without these medications, the worse their quality of life gets. It infuriates me.

I'm not one to celebrate death, but I do feel relieved. I don't take joy in this relief, but I hope that what happened is the start of more change, because the health insurance industry is a vile beast.

[harmacytechnician]

As someone who has worked in pharmacy for about half a decade, let me be the first to tell you that the people making the decisions at insurance companies are fucking ghouls that I have nothing but contempt for. The amount of bullshit, the number of aimless runarounds, the buffoonery I've witnessed- and all of it contributes to my patients being forced to endure delay after delay, denial after denial, for the medical services and medications they need to be able to have a life that they can truly live and enjoy.

I had a very brave patient a long time ago, who was trying to quit her alcohol addiction. She'd tried various methods of quitting and was now seeking medical intervention due to the severity of her struggle with sobriety. For reasons I won't get into because it's not important and also it contains too much for me to comfortably maintain patient anonymity, she wasn't able to take pills and needed the compounded, liquid formulation of a medication to help her tackle her addiction. Her insurance covered the drug in tablet form perfectly fine, but us crushing the tablets and compounding them into a syrup was suddenly not covered on their formulary (the list of covered products for any given insurance plan).

I pursued that PA for four goddamn months, faxing the provider, calling the insurance over and over trying to fight for my patient who was already fighting hard enough for herself. She took the step that many people are never able to get to, where she was actively and willingly trying to receive treatment so that she wouldn't die by age 40 like was expected if she didn't get her alcohol use under control. We never got the insurance to cover the medication. Her addiction had already run her into severe debt and she couldn't afford the out of pocket cost of the medication.

After unsuccessfully fighting with her insurance, I saw her one day and she wasn't doing well. Still struggling, running out of options. She told me as much as she was comfortable sharing; I listened, apologized that I couldn't do more for her, and wished her well. She was someone I knew by name at that point, as she had covered medications she picked up every month.

I didn't see her again after that day.

I hope she's okay. But if she isn't, I know who is responsible.

[harmacytechnician]

I think it's really easy for trans people to get really hung up on certain features or traits we have, feeling like they're dead giveaways to our agab- like, something that I've found isn't unique to me (though might not be a universal constant for trans people, of course, the experience is different for everyone) is that I'm always paranoid that everyone can tell that I'm trans.

But the thing is that, at least when going about my day in the real world, most other people aren't actually analyzing my gender trying to deduce what I am. Something that I've kind of realized over time is that, generally speaking, cis people assume most people are cis. Aside from the terminally online and a select (but vocal) few, the average person is just going to look at me, see the facial hair and more or less masculine features, and figure "oh, that's a guy" and move on with their life because sure, that math tracks.

Earlier this year at work, someone transferred to my pharmacy and after working with them for over a month I offhandedly mentioned something about taking testosterone (I think I was helping a patient get the correct needles to inject or something) and she just kind of paused and looked at me and was like "wait- and sorry if this is overstepping any boundaries, but are you... transitioning?"- she hadn't even realized I was trans in all the time I'd been working with her. This caught me off guard entirely because I was so sure that I was obviously trans at a glance, but then another coworker sheepishly chimed in saying he had no idea I was trans for several months of us working together.

Not long after that, I was lamenting how high-pitched I think my voice is to one of the pharmacists (a cis woman in her forties), and she looked at me with confusion. She told me that she didn't think my voice was high-pitched at all, and that I just sounded like a regular guy to her. Again, I was taken aback because all this time I was thinking that certain traits or features were broadcasting to the world that I'm afab.

As it turns out, most reasonable and well-adjusted people won't think much of those little things we assume are outing us to everyone we meet. Even though I've been on T for over five years, I think I'd been mentally stuck in my pre-transition days where I would get misgendered frequently and thought that would simply always be the case.

Of course, I'll still be self-conscious about things like my voice or my height, but it is reassuring to know that for the most part, I am readily perceived as a man, and that I am, in fact, the only one overthinking it in most situations.

[harmacytechnician]

I have discovered that I am the most predictable person on the fucking planet.

[harmacytechnician]

jsyk my dog is an expert at being comfy and/or cozy. she lives to just lay about and be contented

these were all taken on separate days that I happened to notice her doing this shit over the past few months

[harmacytechnician]

We have got to get more comfortable with imperfect allies if we want to make any progress.

[Long ramble/rant/random guy gets on his soapbox for a while]

I'm talking to my mom right now (someone who, to my knowledge, did not vote but was hoping for a Trump win) about politics, and it's going surprisingly well. Not well in that we disagree on a lot, but well in the sense that for the FIRST time in my almost 28 years on this earth, she is being genuinely receptive to what I have to say, hearing my concerns, and has agreed to read any sources I give her to better understand why myself and others like me are so fearful for what is on the political horizon with an incoming Trump presidency.

This just wouldn't have happened ten years ago. She used to be very blatantly queerphobic and held a lot of bigoted beliefs. I stopped talking to her for a few years for this reason, and it wasn't until a couple years ago that I found she'd made an effort to grow and we were able to reconnect. She still obviously has a lot of right-wing ideals, but this time she's willing to listen and not dismiss what I'm saying as hippie liberal nonsense, and so we've actually been having a dialogue about the election.

I was blunt and pulled no punches in what I said to her, but only in a factual way that tries to convey the reality she does not see due to not having certain life experiences. I was polite, no insults, no name-calling- not even in a coddling way, just in a 'we are two adults both engaging in genuine good faith and trying to have a discussion' kind of way. I did not hesitate to outline the intensity of my views and why I stand for what I do, and she was also earnest with me and explaining that her being Republican is about things like the economy and national security and that she has long since gotten over any hateful views of queer people, and I believe that she means this. It does, of course, open a can of worms that I then got into about how it is wrong to put the economy above the rights of others and that a perfect economy that can only be built upon the discrimination and harassment (and worse) of others is not something I can accept.

At the end of where we've gotten in the discussion thus far, she told me that she wants to be an actively better ally for queer people (she uses LGBT+ because that's the term she most recognizes as being inoffensive/correct) because she doesn't want people to think she agrees with *those* aspects of Trump's beliefs, and I do actually think she meant it wholeheartedly, and that she wants to prove that she does care about others. We have to dissect and talk about how that's why still choosing the economy over human beings is so hurtful and voids the good she earnestly wants to do and what she is willing to let slide that has no business being allowed. At least that's what I'm hoping that I can convey.

And like, yeah, it shouldn't be this hard to convince people that putting your fellow human beings above profits and the economy is important, but look. She is willing to listen to me, and hear what I have to say. And I am hearing what she is saying, and letting her speak and say what she wants to say and try to communicate to me. If I'm going to oppose her views, I need to really hear them and hear what they are and why she's aligning with them. That's what I'm trying to do, and it's helping me have a discussion that is actually making her rethink things in a way I've never seen her do before. Maybe it means more to me because I'm her son, but still- and remember, she used to be vocally bigoted, and it wasn't until recent years that I saw her become open to reconsidering and learning that it's unjust and unfair to treat someone differently for something like who they love or if they are a different gender than they were assigned at birth. She has genuinely grown as a person and I have seen it and that is why she is back in my life and we talk regularly.

That said, you can tell by this whole post that she's clearly not the ideal ally yet, far from it. But I'm still going to talk to her in good faith because she is willing to do the same, and that gives me a genuine hope that she might be able to see things in a new light and understand what I'm trying to say, and hopefully I can understand where she is coming from so that I know how to speak her language, as the saying goes.

This probably feels like such a small victory to some, or like not a victory at all to some, but I see this as huge, because I'm very used to conservatives NOT being willing to have a good faith discussion. It seldom occurs where I can find someone on the far right who does actually want to hear the other side and figure out why we're having such a disconnect. But if I'm able to have a genuine dialogue with someone who is a potential, but imperfect, ally, that is a wonderful opportunity in my mind, to meet someone where they're at and maybe get them to hear you out and end up with someone who is willing to change course and stand up for others.

It's far better than an entire group of people continuing to enable politicians that actively cause harm for entire demographics when they otherwise could be convinced to not be doing that. And yes, it's not your job to slowly and patiently inform people and get them to listen and all that- but if you ever have the energy to do so, especially with someone you know personally, I encourage you to do it. And listen to what they say, too, because if you want to oppose someone's stance you have to know why it's harmful and why it's something that should be opposed. Know what you stand for, and know what you stand against.

Anyway, she is my mom and I want her to hear what I'm saying and take it to heart, so I'm going to spend my evening putting together credible resources to show her why myself and many others are afraid of what's to come- I'm going to look for things like example of harm Trump did during first administration, sources of harmful promises he's made and plans to enact in this upcoming term, statistics about what different political parties believe, analysis or research done by experts evaluating both parties' plans for the economy, or anything else that can sort of unpack all of the evidence that a lot of people are about to be in very real danger. If you happen to know of any credible resources in that vague genre, please share it with me!

This was a hell of a lot of rambling and sorry for that, but I just had some thoughts in the wake of the conversation my mom and I have been having.

[harmacytechnician]

If you're reading this, please stay alive. Please keep doing your best. I've seen a lot of concerning sentiments from marginalized people that are reasonably and understandably terrified right now. And I'm one of those scared people. But please stay alive, and please do whatever you need to take care of yourself right now.

It felt strange. Getting up, going to work. Smiling and helping patients like always while feeling as though there's an apocalypse just outside of the building. Hearing fireworks. Gunshots? Both, I think. One pharmacist walked in looking somber, like someone died. He locked eyes with me, and I could feel his sympathy so palpably, sympathy from someone who ticks every majority box in this country- white, cisgender, straight, male, able-bodied, middle class. Someone who has never struggled for the things I've struggled for, but still feels the deep ache of desolation and mourning in what is happening right now, not because he is likely to be affected, but because he does not need to experience suffering firsthand to know it's wrong for others to be treated with cruelty. His quiet consideration reminded me that from here on out, we need to rely on those around us more than ever. We need community, and we need each other.

Hold fast, everyone.