anyway the other night i felt REAL, like for real an actual person who really exists and it was so new and weird to me that i was Shocked.
but i realised that the main reason i was feeling like an actual human being was because it was like 10pm and i was talking to a friend and i had my hair all messy and i was sweaty from sport and i was cleaning my room and laughing at myself and for a second, i didn’t have a mask on! i wasn’t hiding myself or acting a certain way for anyone else’s gaze! and i was REAL for just a few minutes!!
so anyway i think part of the reason so many people are depressed and otherwise mentally ill is that we’re taught to behave a certain way all the damn time instead of just Being
like social media, is, uh, horrendous. but even just the ‘normal’ things of “sit like a lady” or “speak professionally” or “wear appropriate clothing” like we don’t let anyone exist how they actually want to even in infancy and childhood! how is anyone supposed to have an identity when we were given a character to play at the age of six?
so yeah i’m gonna try and exist instead of playing the role i’ve been assigned bc spn’s castiel would approve and encourage it i like feeling real and i AM real and that’s super cool and in my limited time on this earth i’d like to experience it the way i want instead of stressing over how i’m perceived all the time