the oldest (me): james - the mother hen, but also the biggest dumbass of the lot. gets good grades and is successful but can’t divide 12 by 3. neurodivergent. gets in trouble a lot. hopeless romantic
the middle child: sirius - stupid and funny. could be smart but never applies himself. always down for pranks. can almost always be found laughing at something stupid. cares very deeply but rarely shows it
the middle child part 2: remus - tries hard to be as good as james. needs therapy. ‘nuff said
the youngest: peter - in his head a lot. everyone’s favourite but also manages to annoy everyone a lot. lovable but you also wanna slap him. doesn’t care much for school and would much rather have fun with friends
it's world suicide prevention day and although i usually don't like days like this becuase they feel a bit performative (eg. R U OK Day means nothing without knowledge of what to do if the answer is no), i have some things to say today!
tw: suicide, depression
the things people say on days like this ("everything is gonna be fine" "everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay then it's not the end" etc etc) do not always help, and that's okay. some things will work for some people and not others, and it doesn't mean anything about the kind of person you are. when i was suicidal i HATED being told that everything will be okay, becuase i couldn't help but think "you don't know that". but for some people this is exactly what they need to hear. and sometimes you just gotta tell people if something is or isn't helping.
you're allowed to feel whatever you're feeling regardless of your situation. when i was at my lowest i had a counsellor tell me that i was lucky becuase i had a house and food and water. i was so angry at her i actually left that session early. like I KNOW i have those things and i am thankful to have those things, but part of the reaosn i felt like crap was becuase i was upset that not everyone did ave access to those things. i was mad at the world and i felt hopeless to change it and she just told me i should be thankful that i'm not oppressed? it's bullshit. i am allowed to feel like crap even though i am 'lucky'. being mentally ill isn't a comparitive object to be passed from person to person based on their life circumstances! it's an illness, and illnesses affect everyone.
that same counsellor told me, and i quote, "you aren't at rock bottom, you put in earrings today!" and i am here to tell you that that is bullshit. you can be at rock bottom and still do all the things you feel are expected of you. i almost killed myself and i still got up and went to school and played sport and i was STILL suicidal. no one else can look at you and know how you're doing, not really. and no one can know WHY you're doing the things you're doing. I continued to wear earrings because i felt incomplete without them and that just made it harder to get through the day. only you can know how you're doing.
recovering is hard, and it's okay if you have to put your life on hold to do it. i feel like i'm years behind my peers becuase i spent most of my teenage life trying not to kill myself. while other people were getting jobs and learning to drive and getting into relationships, i was struggling to get out of bed. and it sucked, but its okay. i was ill, and you don't tell physically ill people it's their fault for falling behind their peers (side note, everyone grows at different speeds anyway and the expectation to grow up at the same time is ridiculous). you're allowed to put the difficult parts of life on pause when your brain is ill. grow at your own pace.
i know what it's like to want to die. but i also know what it's like to recover. and i am such a better person now. i have bad days, but i learned how to take care of myself and i learned what makes life worth living for me. every single person's experience of suicidality and mental health is different and it's okay if you can't relate to what i've said at all. no one knows you like you do.
reminder that having friends and being loved isn’t a measure of how good you are or how much you’re worth. having friends and being loved feel great but they’re not the end goal of this existence and it’s okay to not have friends. you aren’t unlovable and you aren’t worthless just because other people think so. you’re allowed to have no friends, and you can also be happy without friends. being surrounded by loved ones can be nice but being on your own can be nice too. it’s okay
The only reason I am recovering is because I decided to.
This is gonna be heavy so heed the warnings! Very heavy in the beginning but gets happier and about recovery!
TW: suicide, suicidal thoughts, notes, and ideation. Read with caution!
I almost killed myself when I was 17. It wasn't like that year had been particularly hard, in fact it was probably easier in many ways than the years before it. But for some reason, I was heavily suicidal. I skipped class often just to sit atop a bridge and stare at the water. Eventually I wrote a suicide note in my phone notes. I took a day off school in May, and made the decision to kill myself. I was going to jump off that bridge.
But I didn't. Partly for fear, partly for guilt, partly for inconvenience. I know that if I'd had access to a gun I'd be dead right now, but I didn't. And right now, a few years down the track, I'm healthier than I can ever remember being. I'm happy, even. And I'm not going to say that time heals all wounds, or everything will be okay, or you just have to try. But I do have one bit of solid advice.
You have to want it.
The only reason I am recovering, is because I decided to. I spent years thinking 'one day I'll have friends and be happy,' 'i just need to wait for this depressive episode to pass,' or 'this is what I deserve'. But as soon as I decided that I wanted to get better, that I wanted to enjoy the sunlight and the music, I started to get better. And it was bloody hard and there were days I gave up, but there were always days that I put in a little effort. And that tiny bit of effort, as often as I could manage it, is what helped me the most. Obviously this isn't a cure-all, and I did a lot of other things to help me recover, including medication, but deciding to recover was the catalyst. The decision to be happy and healthy is the driver that keeps me doing well. Music has really helped me. Studying has helped. CBT kind of helped. But really, I'm the only one with the power to save me, and I did it. If there is one thing I am proud of in this life, it is that. I saved myself.
[I might make a post about the specific things that helped me, because I also know that examples, and reading real experiences, can really help.]
Remember that you are loved. I think every human soul is incredible, and when I say that I am proud of you for everything you're doing, even though I don't know you, I genuinely mean it. Existing is hard but you're alive and you're here reading this and I think that's worth praise. You deserve to be happy and healthy, no matter what.
remus: yeah okay i guess sirius is cool. and talented. and hot. and smart. and cute and pretty and funny. fine, i guess you could say that he’s perfect
remus: but could he do THIS *stands up and faints*
