Seriously, the closer it gets to the time I have to actually start getting ready to go to work today, the more and more I realize that I reeeaaallly don't want to go back. It's not that I don't think I'm ready to go back to work (cuz there is some part of me that is tired of laying around watching Netflix), it's that I don't really want to go back there. Is that horrible? There are people that I miss, and I'm glad I get to see their faces again, but I soooo don't want to put up with the constant bulls*@!^ and the ever changing of 'rules' to fit whoever they want to pick on that day. I know you're gonna get that wherever you go, but is it worth going into a job not knowing when you're going to have an 'x' on your back or if you might possibly get fired that day 'just because' or that you're going to get bitched at because you were the one standing there when they decided to try to act like a manager. Don't get me wrong, I used to enjoy getting up and going to work (gasp!), but it's seriously been going down hill. Before I got injured and put on medical leave, I used to seriously consider walking out on a pretty much daily basis. I was sooo beyond over having an 'x' on my own back because I dared to ask 'why'. Why they were doing things differently was the big one because my brain just had to know why. If it's not explained to me, my brain does not understand. "Because that's how we're doing it now" is not okay with me. I'm not contentchanging something when the way we do it is perfectly fine, and then not want to know why whoever is changing things wants to change things to make it more difficult. Really, that's why I question things: Numba 1) I'm honestly curious. Numba 2) They don't have to deal with it on a day to day basis. They may be the managers, but we can only do so much. For cereal. The last 12 weeks has given me time to think about what I wanna do, and while I don't quite know what I wanna do yet, I know I don't wanna be doing whatever this is I'm currently doing with my life. Which is pretty much nothing. I know all the things I'd like to be able to do, so I suppose that is a start, but trying to even start to go about doing these things is a totally different matter all together. It may not be a total secret that I'm afraid of being ridiculed and put down and made fun of and basically feel like I'm not being supported by anyone. I don't feel like I can even talk to anyone about what I actually really want to try without being told that it's stupid and not worth my time because I'm not good enough, or funny enough, or that there are loads of others doing it so no one is even gonna know I exist or those that do are gonna be complete arses and make me feel like jumping off a bridge. And yet, there is a small voice in my head that says "Screw them, do what you want.". It's tough, you know? Having a million bazillion wants and hopes and dreams and no ways or means to go about even considering one of those wants or hopes or dreams could become a reality. No wonder these thoughts keep going through my mind. No wonder sometimes I just wanna quit life altogether and make a living as a human burrito. I guess my real thought for the day is, can you have a mid-life existential crisis when you're only 25? And is it okay to lay face-down on a floor, writhing about, in almost paralyzing fear that this may be all you will ever have? These are the things that keep me up at night.
