One Rule, and One Rule Only by siriuslyloonylove
Sirius Black has one rule, and one rule only, about his feelings: “never, ever bother someone with your feelings if they’re busy”. And he’s always stuck to this rule, for example when James has a quidditch match the next day, he won’t wake the boy up if he has a nightmare, or if Peter’s eating, he doesn’t talk about how his parents starved him over the summer.
But the most important person he doesn’t want to bother is Remus, the boy whose problems seem worse than Sirius’, even though Remus repeatedly tells Sirius that it’s okay. The raven haired boy doesn’t want to bother him because what if he thinks badly of me for complaining about my stupid family while he never complains about turning into a werewolf every month?
Sirius knows he’s being illogical with that last bit, but when are feelings ever logical? He logically knows that Remus would do everything in his power to help him, even on the days before and after the full. He logically knows that being in a relationship means having someone to lean on when you can’t stand by yourself. He logically knows that Remus is the only one, besides James, who can help him when he’s feeling down about his family.
But he irrationally thinks that no one loves him, even after Remus spends an hour every night before bed kissing each and every one of Sirius’ scars, telling the boy a different thing he loves about him for every scar on his body, and has yet to repeat the same reason twice even after a year of doing it. He irrationally thinks that he’s only James’ friend because of coincidence, even after he took Sirius in as his own brother when he ran away from home and held him when he woke up in sweats from a particularly bad nightmare. He irrationally thinks that Peter is only his friend because James is, even after Peter smuggles freshly made blueberry muffins from the kitchens when Sirius is having a bad day.
He logically knows that he thinks irrationally, which leads to him bottling up his feelings until one day they explode and there’s nothing anyone can do to calm him down other than getting Remus, because everyone knows the only person he’ll listen to in this state is the boy with scarred skin and curly blond hair.
The explosion happens on a late fall evening of seventh year in the Gryfinndor common room after an eventful meeting with Headmaster Dumbledore.
“Headmaster, you wanted to see me?” Sirius announces himself to the room after walking up the spiral steps that lead to the Headmasters office. He can hear his great-great grandfather muttering curses about Sirius from where his portrait hung on the wall, but chose to ignore the hateful man.
“Oh yes, thank you Mr Black for meeting me on such short notice, please sit” Dumbledore said, gesturing towards the chair sitting across from his desk. Sirius nodded politely and sat down, looking around the room to take in his surroundings as this is the first time he’s been in here without knowing he was in trouble - I haven’t done any pranks this month, so am I in trouble?
As if reading the boy’s mind, Dumbledore laughs and says “Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble, I just wanted to have a chat with you about a pressing issue.”
Sirius sighed in relief, shoulders untensing for a short moment until he remembered what the man had said. “What issue? Has Regulus done something? I swear I don’t even talk to him anymore, well he doesn’t talk to me.” He said, nervously playing with the rings on his hands.
“No, no this isn’t about your brother, well it is but it is more about your family in general - I received some unsettling information this morning about the whereabouts of your parents and wanted to gauge your reaction.” The old man vaguely said, leaving the boy confused.
“Okay?” Sirius started, “Have they done something bad-well something worse than usual?” He corrected himself mid sentence.
The old man chuckled at his response, shaking his head in surprise, “I see you already have a gauge for their actions,” he smiled sadly, “But yes, they have done something that they don’t see is wrong.” Dumbledore said vaguely, again.
“Okay? So why am I here, I mean I’m in no contact with my family other than the occasional howler sent to me when Walburga is drunk.” Sirius says as a matter of a fact, not understanding why he has to be here when he could be spending his time with his friends, sadly not with Remus because he has an essay to write in the library with Lily.
“Yes, Mr Black I am well aware of those howlers - we really need to block those coming in, that’s on me - but I am also aware of the fact that you don’t speak with them.” Dumbledore agrees, making Sirius even more confused, “Can you tell me your feelings on that?”
This catches Sirius by surprise, no one has even dared to ask that question in fear that they might get hexed, and he can’t very well go on hexing the Headmaster, so he shakily answers, “Well Sir, it’s not really something that I know how to describe - I wasn’t surprised when they disinherited me, I saw it coming from the moment I got sorted into Gryffindor, but I was surprised when they disowned me, not the family itself but Reg, because that’s when I knew that he had picked a side and it wasn’t mine.”
Dumbledore nods solemnly, “Yes, and who’s side are you on?”, which was the wrong thing to say.
“Are you asking me this because I’m a Black? Are you asking me who’s side I’ll pick in the end because I have incestual blood running through my veins, or is it because dark magic was taught to me before I could speak? Maybe it’s because you think I’ll choose my brother over my real brothers - which you must know that family doesn’t mean blood, love does. And if you think that I’ll pick Voldemort's side, then you’re not who I thought you were, because I’d rather die than let my friends die.” Sirius says defensively, not caring that he’s mouthing off the Headmaster, who doesn’t even have the audacity to look surprised.
Before Dumbledore can even open his mouth, Phineas shouts, eerily calm, from his place on the wall “How dare you speak to your Headmaster that way you filthy little blood traitor, I cannot believe you come from the Noble House of Black-”
“-Silence” Dumbledore booms from where he’s sitting at his desk before Phineas could spit more curses at him. If he wasn’t so angry, Sirius would’ve poked his tongue out at him just to piss off his great-great grandfather even more.
“Now Sirius, I know you’re upset, and you have every right to be, but that doesn’t give you permission to talk to me like that because all I’ve done is help you.” Sirius fights the urge to roll his eyes because he knows damn well that Dumbledore only does things that will eventually benefit himself, he’s heard the exact words come from his parents. “However, I am glad to know that you feel this strongly about the war.” Dumbledore says, smiling.
“Of course I feel this strongly about the war, I’m right in the middle of it and I learned a long time ago that I can’t push myself to the sidelines because someone will get hurt.” Sirius shivers, remembering The Prank.
“Yes, and I should’ve thought of that before having you come here, well now that I know how you’re feeling, you are free to go.” Dumbledore says, making Sirius sigh in relief.
But just as he’s about to get up, he remembers what started this conversation, “What did my parents do?” he asks, looking Dumbledore strongly in the eye.
“Nothing for you to be concerned about.” Dumbledore lies through his teeth, and if Sirius would’ve been more clear headed, he would’ve pressed on but instead he nods and gets up, walking towards the staircase.
“Oh and Sirius,” Dumbledore says as Sirius is about to walk down, “I’d be more careful about who you choose to shout at, you never know if you choose the wrong person in the end” He finishes vaguely. Sirius furrows his brows but chooses not to question it, just nodding and walking down the stairs.
When Sirius gets back to the common room, he immediately goes and sits down on the comfiest chair available, not even noticing his friends trying to get his attention. The only thing on his mind is wishing that Remus was here, but Sirius knows that he won’t get to see his boyfriend until after Remus was done with his prefect rounds after the library.
“Padfoot”
“Pads”
“Paddie”
“Siri”
“S”
“Sirius”
“Black!”
“Sirius Orion Black-Potter!” James says, exasperatedly, finally catching Sirius’ attention with his name changing.
“Huh- did you just call me Sirius Orion Black-Potter-Lupin?! Me and Remus aren’t married, and why did you add Potter?” Sirius says, looking confused.
“Yes! You weren’t listening so I had to get your attention!” James says frantically, moving his hands around in exasperation. “And one, you are a Potter, two you and Moony will probably get married before me and Evans will.” James says seriously.
“I second that last one!” Marlene shouts from across the common room, stopping snogging Dorcas for a second before going back to it. Get it Marlene!
“See!” James shouts happily, excited that someone agreed with him for once, before realizing Sirius’ solemn expression. “Wait what happened? Did you just get back from Dumbledicks?” James asks, reaching up to fix his glasses on his nose.
“Yeah.” Sirius responds, “But it’s fine, I promise, we’re not in trouble” he adds shakily, quickly standing up from his seat, “I’m going to go upstairs and lay down, I’m kinda tired” Sirius ends, walking towards the stairs before anyone can say anything, especially since it’s a Friday.
He hears Peter asking James what’s wrong, but doesn’t stay long enough to hear the laters response. Sirius quickly enters the dorm room and closes the door before taking off his shoes and getting in Remus’ bed and under the covers, taking comfort in the smell of soft vanilla and chocolate.
The tears don’t come immediately, but Sirius also doesn’t realize when he starts crying so he doesn’t really know how long he’s been crying by the time he does realize it. All he knows is that he’s clutching Remus’ pillow in his arms and crying into it because I’m so overwhelmed.
Why would Dumbledore even ask me that? Doesn’t he know how much it hurts to hate someone you love? Doesn’t he know-
Sirius’ thoughts are interrupted by someone opening the dorm room door, making him settle deeper into the bed wishing that whoever it is thinks that he’s asleep. His wish goes unheard when the person sits on the bed next to him. He slowly opens his eyes to see James sitting next to him with a sad smile and Peter standing behind him with a warm muffin in his hands.
“Hey Pads, we brought you a muffin” Peter smiles sheepishly, blushing pink.
“Yeah, and we brought you a cup of your favorite tea, we had to bribe the elves with helping do the dishes for the next week.” James and Peter smile proudly, which makes Sirius start to cry even more. “Oh no, Pads don’t cry! We don’t mind it, it’s worth it to see you feel better! Well I hope you feel better…” James says, looking scared.
“No, I- thank you, I know, I just had a really hard meeting with Dumbledore and I just feel overwhelmed” Sirius hiccuped through his crying, quickly wiping away his tears. “I promise I’m fine, I just needed a moment, but siriusly thank you guys” He tries to smile at his joke, though it comes out more like a grimace.
James smiles at him softly, reaching out to gently pat Sirius’ arm and move the comforter higher up. If Sirius were clear headed, he would push James away because he’s such a mother hen, but right now it comforts him.
“Okay Pads, do you need anything else? I can take over Remus’ shift if you need him” James offers, which makes Sirius start shaking his head muttering ‘no’ over and over again, he sits up and starts quickly mumbling about how Remus is busy and he doesn’t want to bother him, James can barely make it out.
“Okay Sirius, okay, settle down, I won’t get Remus” James promises, wrapping his arms around Sirius gently trying to get him to lay back down, noticing that the tears are falling faster down his face. James looks at Peter with a look that says “go get Moony” who responds with a quick nod and sets the muffin on the bedside table before quietly leaving the room.
“Please, you can’t get him Prongs, he’s so stressed with his essay and his rounds, I don’t want to bother him, please” Sirius cries out, grabbing onto James’ wrists and looking him in the eye. “I can’t let him know how sad I am, please”, his voice breaking off.
“Okay, calm down love, I won’t get him” James says, heart breaking at the sight of his best friend crying. Sirius nods frantically, letting go of James’ wrists to latch onto the pillow again.
Remus can’t see me like this, he just can’t. Would he think that I’m weak? I mean he breaks and rebuilds his bones every month and he doesn’t complain about it, this isn’t nearly as bad as being a werewolf - family issues happen to everyone, they have to, right? What if he breaks up with me because I’m selfish and crying over something that isn’t that bad?
James can sense that Sirius is overthinking everything, so he lays down next to him and wraps his arms around the shaking boy. Fifteen minutes pass of Sirius crying in James’ arms, the later hiccups every once and a while but relatively stays silent, sobbing quietly.
The door finally opens and he gently lets go of Sirius and stands up to give Remus room to climb into the bed, James nods at him, smiling sadly. Remus just looks at him with sad eyes and gets into the bed, wrapping his arms around a panicking Sirius.
“James, you promised!” Sirius exclaims, starting to shake even more, trying to push Remus away out of fear of rejection.
“I did promise, but I said nothing about Wormtail!” James said sheepishly before running out of the room and shutting it behind him and a flushed Peter.
“Fucking dickhead” Remus hears Sirius mutter, making him chuckle sadly.
“Hi, mon étoile” Remus softly says, making Sirius blush even through the tears. Sirius lets go of the pillow and cuddles closer to Remus, laying his head on his boyfriend's chest, even though the irrational part of his brain is screaming at him for it.
“Hi, mon loup” Sirius says, blushing even more at their terms of endearment before crying a bit more.
“Wanna tell me what’s going on?” The curly haired boy gently says, running his fingers softly through Sirius’ hair, making him cuddle more into his chest.
“Not necessarily” Sirius whispers. He would never admit it, but having Remus there makes him feel a lot better even though his mind is racing with irrational uncertainties.
“Can I tell you what I think is going on, and you can tell me whether I’m right or wrong?” Remus says, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Sirius’ head.
Sirius takes a moment to think about it, what if he’s mad at me? Or what if he pities me? But what if he loves me anyways? Sirius’ curiosity takes the best of him and slowly nods his head.
“I think that Dumbledore said something upsetting, or inferred something, about your family and you’re overwhelmed and think that I will think badly of you for having feelings, which by the way is bullshit because your family sucks and I love you no matter what.” Remus says, surprising Sirius, because that’s exactly what he’s thinking.
“What the fuck Moony? Are you reading my diary or some shit?” Sirius says while smiling, wonder and tears filling his eyes while he looks up at Remus to see his face.
“Sirius, I know you, I’ve known you for seven years and have loved you for every single one” Remus says, making the boy in his arms blush, “I know you think no one truly loves you, but I’m here to prove you wrong, for almost the billionth time by the way, because I love you and you’re allowed to have feelings. I know you’re scared that I’ll think you're weak, but you’re not. You’re the strongest person I know, stronger than me, and not to compare trauma, but hateful parents is a lot worse than my furry little problem.”
“But Remus-”
“No, you can’t change my mind about this, you are so unbelievably strong and I’m so proud of you. I don’t know what happened in the meeting, but I do know that it hurt you a lot. Fucking Dumbledore, he better stay away from the shack this next full or the wolf’ll tear him to shreds and I wouldn’t even care.” Remus interrupted him.
“Moony!” Sirius exclaimed, laughing while still crying.
“I’m serious!”
“No, you’re Remus, I’m Sirius.” Sirius said proudly, the tears stopping in favor of being proud of his joke that got old years ago.
“Fuck I walked straight into that” Remus laughed.
“You’re gay.” Sirius said feigning seriousness.
“Sirius! Stop!” Remus said, now crying from laughing so hard. “I’m trying to be- well you know what I’m trying to be, but really, I love you and nothing can get in the way of that, not your family, Dumbledore, not even Azkaban.” Years later they both would look back at this, one hoping it’s true and the other hoping the other knows it’s true, but for now they laugh with tears in their eyes.
“I love you, mon étoile.” Remus says, reaching up to wipe the tears from Sirius’ face and resting them on his cheeks.
“I love you too, mon loup, so much, thank you” Sirius says, wiping Remus’ tears away and leaning up to press a soft kiss on his lips, the love overpowering the sad feelings.
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second post for the night! i'm not really sure i like this one, it didn't turn out how i wanted it to and didn't even come close to what my original prompt/idea so yeah that sucks but it's alright. plus i think it was very fast paced and weird but oh well, please tell me what you think though! some people seemed to like it on ao3 (i still don't know how to link it in this post) so i decided to post it on here too :) i think i'm going to rewrite this sometime because it's not my favorite and i think i can improve!!
edit: bahahaha i accidentally named this the wrong name, it's supposed to be "only rule, and one rule only" lmao not "explosive feelings", i mean it was the original title but it didn't really fit so yeah sorry lmao
