It’s been a little while since you’ve posted on here so I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourself!!! 💖
my darling loves, I'm so sorry
I'VE BEEN SO EMBARRASSED. I HAVEN'T WANTED TO SHOW MY FACE AROUND THIS TOWN BECAUSE I'VE GOT NOTHING TO SHOW FOR MYSELF AFTER TAKING SUCH A LONG TIME AWAY FROM YOU ALL.
I've been. violently busy. in a good way, mostly. One of my jobs is the best job in the world and the other one is such a bitch it makes me scream every day forever.
but i'm also spending time with friends and enjoying life !
My mom also finished her last chemo appointment just a few weeks ago!!! YIPEEE!!!! Her CT Scans look GOOD!! so no chemo for the foreseeable future. She's unfortunately got the type of cancer that doesn't go away, but at the very least, it's MANAGEABLE. And that's a huge win. I'm very very grateful.
I ALSO FOUND A THERAPIST!!! gone to 2 sessions so far. every session she uncovers a new fucked up facet of me and honestly, can anyone else relate to this, it's sort of nice for someone else to look at your life and go like "oh wow. oh wow there's like. there's like so much here." like it feels good to think oh hurray. i'm not crazy. life IS fucked!
MY BROTHER MOVED!!! this took up a lot of my time, honestly. i love him and my nephew and my sister in law dearly. so i spent a long time making their gifts. i'm silly.
OUR CAT GOT SICK!!! HE'S GOT PEE CRYSTALS CAUSE HE'S OLD!!!!! HE'S DOING OKAY NOW THOUGH!! HIS STUPID URINARY FOOD IS SO EXPENSIVE THOUGH!!!
ANYWAYS. those are my major life updates right. So what's with the no chapter happening??
i. hated. the draft i'm working on so much. that i didn't work on it for like. a month.
and then in a haze. i left myself this voice to text note in my notes app as i was falling asleep one night.
then i hated that too. a week passes. perhaps two, actually.
i finally gain the courage one night to read my draft over.
it's actually not bad at all
it's actually pretty good
some scenes definitely need reworking but that's because i need to fully realize some character feelings
I just had really intense writers' block and fatigue, honestly. But i'm finally writing and EXCITED about it, again. I'm pulling that shit up on my commute and writing whenever i can. which makes me really happy. i was not loving the way it felt like a chore, for a minute there.
that said.
100% going to be more realistic with this chapter waiting timeline, and put a 'hiatus' or some sort of 'delays' tracker on my landing page. cause like. i keep saying check back in 2 weeks. and that's not fair to me or you girl. let's keep it real.
i think we're like.... hm... 50-60% there. (i'll update my landing the day after this post, it's late and i'm eepy)
i MIGHT write some blurbs in the mean time, it really depends. i keep having ideas and then they blink out of existence. perhaps send ideas. i might do something with them.
BUT YES I AM OKAY AND ALIVE. My silence came from a LOT of life stuff getting in the way and also a lot of honestly embarrassment. i hate coming out here over and over and being like haha. i've got nothing <3
but i know that y'all will understand, and i need to trust in y'all's patience more. and i'm GONNA!!!
gonna try to start up my 'answering one ask a day' trend again. except wednesdays. i work late on wednesdays so fuck that. but perhaps all the other days you'll hear from me.
alright. i'm going to shut up now. was any of this coherent? i don't know. thank you for listening!! i missed you dearly!!
📢 THE NATIONAL CRISIS IS OVER- I repeat- THE NATIONAL CRISIS IS OVER📢
Co😭😭😭
You’ve been missed-
by me-
specifically.
Absence has truly made the heart grow fonder.
I will say that I fear my power grows stronger by the day. I read a chapter of CK this morning thinking about how much I missed your story and I find out 5 hours later that you’ve announced your return.
I choose to believe I’ve manifested this for myself🙂↕️🙂↕️🙂↕️ mhm
Glad to know I’m capable of using my powers for good.
Anyways, not to be a dick rider, but the chokehold your page/story has on me makes it inevitable. The squeal of abject excitement that I let out at your return post- I won’t even lie, it was a lot. Is this how it feels to be a groupie???
I’m happy you decided to make a return and I hope you’ve enjoyed your time away.🫶
Wishing you the best,
Elli🌿
BABBBEESSSS
I missed you all dearly!!! And before I get ahead of myself, elephant in the room: I am so TRULY SORRY that I said "check back in a couple weeks' and then once again ghosted.
TRULY, I thought I was at the end of the tunnel and then WOOOOO that bitch perfectionism took a fucking CHOKE HOLD on me.... I wrote and wrote and cut and cut and rewrote and cut and rewrote some more. I think there's a solid 6k in total that I just completely nixed. there was like a 2 page long scene that one day I just went "eh. doesn't work anymore" and CUT IT !!!! GIRRLLLLL....
But now... FINALLY. FUCKING FINALLY.
it is finished and waiting in the drafts... Which, I know, saying this, the gang is going to start clawing and screaming at me for not hitting that big ol' post button--- BUT BABES I HAVE 42 ASKS IN THE INBOX!!! and i have a tradition!! i MUST get through all that before I post the next chapter.
Which is wild, cause there's some OLDDDD asks in there--- Mostly including reviews of the last chapter from COUGH a year ago COUGH so that'll be a fun time capsule.
But hey, look, I've given you the first couple lines, that should tide you over, right? --- You've waited over a year, you can do a couple more indeterminate number of hours while I answer these asks right?
Anyways. Elephant's out of the room now, time to CHAT!!
THE NATIONAL CRISIS IS OVER !!!
FINALLY, MY WHITE WHALE OF A CHAPTER ISS OVVERR AND I CAN RETURNN TO MY BRETHREENNNN
I missed YOU SPECIFICALLY TOO!!! I missed every common purveyor of my inbox so so dearly. I know y'all want to know how I'M doing but more importantly: how are YALL??!?!?! PLS comment below, I'd love to hear how y'all are doing--- in the least parasocial way possible.
THANK YOU Elli for continuing to read my bullshit in my absence, I wonder if anyone is reading anything right now as I post THIS post.... maybe YOU are!! and have manifested me again, for realz this time :0
HAHAHA oh to have groupies.... I feel so bad for leaving my groupies behind.... But it t'was a insane year, so I think my groupies understand... Ah,,, THIS answer is already long enough and I need to have SOMETHING to say to all the very very sweet asks asking how I'm doing, so I'll cut myself off here--- But the TLDR of how this year went: Everything's gotta go fuckin' sideways before it can go rightside up again.
And at the moment, I'm feelin' pretty,,,, diagonal, all things considered :)
SO YEAH, ANYWAYS, LET'S SEE IF I MAKE IT THROUGH ALL THESE ASKS TONIGHT !!! fingers crossed. if not today, probably tomorrow,,, and then it's new chapter time !!
had to collect a couple of these like infinity stones,,, ahhh,, i will stop apologizing for being gone so long as you can see by the dates of these messages, because I know the gang understands why it had to be this way !!
BABES
let's do a brief summary of what happened to me in my year long sabbatical
I had just moved in the last chapter, i was couch hopping from like May to August, that year. fun summer honestly. So by september 2024, I was only finally settling in
In october, we had our housewarming party, and I got a job working at a studio--- however, it was/is part-time only, so I kept my OLD shitty well-paying desk job but now part-time also. they overworked the fuck out of me. i was working weekends a LOT. i barely had time to write (as I'm sure you can tell)
Found out my mom has cancer (yipes !), but I talked in more detail about that in another post, so I won't do a deep dive here. Suffice to say, it's been rough, but she's still alive, and that's a huge blessing, and I'm thankful
Found out my brother was moving to chicago to take a better paying promotion, and that'd he be moving by Feb 2025 (YIPES !)
Now we are spending every holiday together, for as long as possible, because these 2 things have made us all cherish each other a lot. Thanksgiving is wonderful, Christmas was beautiful, I stayed with my brother for like 3 weeks, it was sick--- Did not have the time to write like I thought I would, oops
Brother moves in february
cousin gets married (hell yeah) (not really that important, just a sick wedding)
my coworkers watch me being psychologically abused and encourage me to quit my shitty desk job, we make a side gc and make a plan. i use all my free time to book appointments and use all the insurance money i had with them. new glasses, cleaned teeth, meds refilled, therapist aquired
once i save up 5 months worth of wages, I quit my shitty job, and only have my nice studio job
studio job continues to be parttime (rip) but it's busy and I get a lot of cool responsibilities for cool people, UH OH a bunch of insane shit happens with my company, we're okay and we're doing good, but i am at the center of making sure everything goes ok, so that is like. a lot. to handle.
studio asks me to take classes for production, they pay for the classes (hell yeah), i take them, it lasts all summer, DID NOT. HAVE TIME TO WRITE SHIT !!!
oh also i visited my brother in chicago.
and then idk the rest is sorta blur. a lot happened.
And that was everything that happened, while i was away. So the question is: how am i now?
Eh. Yeah, I'm good, I think.
I think I'm doing pretty good. Could things be better? Sure. But could things be a lot fucking worse? YES, TREMENDOUSLY.
Honestly, when I first started writing CK, I was in my parents basement with nothing else to do... And then once I got a job, I was sleeping on my grandma's couch, writing up a storm, since I didn't have time to do anything else.
Now, I haven't had time to write because I have so many people in my life back again now that i live in the city !! i fucking LOVE MY FRIENDS RAAHH !! So yeah, took a break because things were bad and busy... but also, took a break because things were happening, as a whole. I was busy and my heart was/is full.... a win, in my book, babes !!
but i truly truly am glad to be back. I missed y'all. Still figuring out how to balance things tbh, this chronically ill bitch has so little spoons, yknow?
i had a wondaful time in chicago thank u vewwy much for asking :) now: was the time MOSTLY wonderful because i got to spend a long weekend with my brother, his wife whom is truly like the sister i never had, and the most perfect adorable nephew in the world ?????
perhaps. but the city was fantastic too!! HIGHLIGHT REEEELL LETS GOOO
I'll start with what i IMMAGGINNE most want to know:
yes, yes, your most mediocre The Bear fanfic writer, did in fact, go to Mr. Beef, of which the show was loosely based on, and i THINK a lot of the first season was shot in there??? might be wrong.
it was pretty cool!
there was this ad in the parking lot, which did get a little tee-hee outta me. it was a mucky weather day, but me n my sister still journeyed forth on a 10 ish minute walk to get our STARVING FAMILY !! sandwiches.
i've put a crude heart over the cashier's face for anonymity, my phone would NOT let me do just a NORMAL FUCKING BLUR so this is what we got.
review: the outside signs prepare you for this to be the most panic attack moment of your life. I fucking hate getting a bagel from my bagel place on my commute to work because they treat it very deli style-- there's 4 people yelling the same question at you at all different times--- it SUCKS !! AND I PANIC!!
and so, Mr. Beef had signs outside like, no stuttering, know what you want, you pay in CASH ONLY ! , don't be A ASSHOLE!! DON'T BE ANNOYING!! etc etc. so as a... person with a misbehaving nervous system, i was not super excited for that part.
however, they're actually extremely nice. i think they put that sign there to scare REAL assholes off from entering. They're totally fine with you needing to like, take a second to talk, ask a question or two, AND AND--- THEY DID TAKE CARD!! so. overall. huge fan of the service. nice folks.
that said... space is small,,, so much smaller than expected. I unless it's real well hidden, i don't think they have an actual 'back of house kitchen' because i don't know how that would fit in anywhere. it is a narrowwww spot and the kitchen is in front of you.
the SANDWICH ITSELF !!! got a beef duh, hot and sweet peppers--- DO NOT!! I REPEAT !!! DO NOT!!! GET THAT SHIT DIPPED!!!
They talk about getting a dipped sandwich in the show--- I think I've written it in here at some points. And yknow. it sounds appealing. Love sauce. Who doesn't love sauce? this SANDWICH ! DOES NOT LOVE SAUCE !!!
this sandwich. is already. so fucking wet. chicago style i learned while in chicago,,, truly just means it is wetter now. more sauce, more wet, more sog--- the HUMIDITY IN THAT CITY IN THE SUMMER IS ALSO FUCKING NUTS.
Anyways. if you get the sauce. it will turn into. a salad. so. i don't reccomend that. BUT we didn't get them dipped, thank god. So it was .,,, the right amount of wet for a sandwich to be, i guess. pretty good! life changing? nah, but still, good sandwich.
anyways. Mr. Beef review over, I'll speed through a couple more photos before i let ya go:
saw the BEAN!! which is really 'Cloudgate' but Kapoor sucks and I don't respect him so it's the fucking BEAN!! It is actually extremely cool to look at it from the dead center though. I have to admit. really incredible piece and good job kapoor but FUCK YOU!!!!!!!
this one really famous clocktower in chicago that i now cannot remember the name of at all.... embarrassing (the architecture there is truly beautiful, really can't wait to go again and just go on tours)
i took this photo to look it up afterwards because, me, a Canadian, that knows a dash of American history, did still go for a second "WATER GATE ??!?!?!" no. not watergate at all. but also a building just getting called "tower place" did make me giggle--- THOUGH NO LAUGHING MATTER !! it's named after the Chicago Water Tower ! which survived the Great Chicago Fire !!! i do still think tower place is kinda a goofy name though
and we did many many more things but i'll leave it at: we went to a spider-man exhibit happening at the griffith museum and it was a fucking HOOT!! i fucking LOVE SPIDER-MAN!! got to see so much original artwork from the comics and collectibles/merch throughout the decades, gorgeous statues, props and suits from all the movies, etc. super cool exhibit !!
do NOT climb on miles morales!
anyways sorry for talking a lot about chicago,,, i dunno, after writing about it for so long in CK, i felt i had to honour my appreciation here, getting to actually witness it for the first time heh.
oh also my brother's building's concierge was like a one to one exact vibe, look, and personality match to season 3 Richie i was kind of tweaking.
hi! Your blog doesn't always show up on my dash but I think ab Chicago's kindest at least once every two weeks. Genuinely some of the best fanfiction I've read ever. Would read anything you write even if I don't know the characters (or if it was a fully original work!) I love how much love and care and joy you put into your work (even during the whump sections). Just wanted to send some love! 💖💖
aweee that's so nice, hold on just one second dearie...
OOHHHH
I honestly thought for a second 'whump' just meant the parts that were kinda busted and bad. this is SOO MUCH BETTER YAY !!!
thank you so much, i fucking love to write in general and for The Bear. I'm so glad that that love/care/joy is felt, even for the WHUMP!s
Honestly, ever since i started writing as a kid, my favourite thing to write has been verbal fights. I fucking LOVE WRITING FIGHTS !!! GET HIS/HER/THEIR ASS !!! KILL EACH OTHER WITH YOUR WORDS !!! CRASH OUT!!! PERMANENTLY EFFECT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH JUST ONE SENTENCE !!!! YESSS YESS YESS !!!!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEE DROP THE NEW CHAPTER SOON!!!! (I mean that with a lot of patience and appreciation for writers) I literally look every DAY for the new chapter, I am so excited!!
oh love, I should probably put like a ,,, temp hiatus notice or SOMETHING on my landing now that I think about it, ,, the gaps keep gettin bigger and bigger ;-;
LOTS of life stuff is happening god what's the laundry list . . . Too much to name but to summarize WHY there's not been a new chapter out in a bit:
i haven't had the literal time to write!
i think looking at my version history I've had like a collective,,, 6 hours to write over the course of like? A month? rough. bad. sucks.
Got a new job semi in my field (film), STILL working my old admin job at the same time because I need the money, and on WEEKENDS when I'd USUALLY be working on CK is typically taken up by:
Chores around the house that need doing! I finally moved into an apartment, back with my old roommates innnn August? Yeah August.
DnD, with said Roommates! We play as often as possible, so. Like every weekend. And we yap so sessions are like 4-6 hours on the SHORT end of the spectrum.
And, the most important part, but albeit the newest addition to my life: My mom is doin' chemo right now, and will be for the next few months! Everything kinda gets dropped for that priority, yknow? this is also NOT me asking for pity or condolences BY THE WAY!!! A simple love ya take ya time kiss kiss is plenty, i do not love sorrys, i hate em
this isn't me saying HEY FUCK YOU FOR ASKING !!!!!!! Nor a guilt trip, I swear. I want a new chapter out of me as much as you do!! This is just me explaining, I PROMISE I'm not slacking lol, I'm relatively fast at writing. I think. I just literally have not had the screen time to do so.
which is why I started doing blurbs to sort of help tide you over while i take 10 years!!! is it working? me no know.
DON'T bother checking everyday, is all i should really say haha. I'm a yapper, I told u. Where am I in terms of progress on chap 16,,,, hmm,,, I have no idea. I've been considering making it a two parter because I have no idea how long two scenes are gonna be, we'll see. I'll probably make it 1 chapter because if i do 2 it'll ruin my formatting. my precious formatting
I THINK i'm free this weekend, roommates can't do DnD this weekend, I can't travel because concert tours are destroying the infrastructural integrity of my city all weekend, so,,, I think I'll have time to write? If I have the energy? That's a big if.
Check back in like two weeks minimum, and hopefully something by then? that or someone become my sugar daddy and I'll quit my second job, SIMPLE AS THAT MAN (seriously though, if patreon were viable, I'd do it)
chip is the biggest fourth wall breaker and i love it for her - time is definitely linear 100% we didn’t just read a tenet vibe flashback forward around and sideways episode that isn’t what happened?
her and carmy are so skinny not breaking the counter
any shoes left undropped? oh how i love your continued motifs
BEFORE YOU KNEW ME YOU CALLED ME CARMY???? completely and utterly feral. she found him charming!!! teehee. she is such a tumblr girl #parasocialrelationshipvibes
she found him charming teehee
chip is simultaneously the second most awkward and the least awkward and carmy is consistently the most awkward
okay the car incident was a month ago, good to know because the fever dreams are ongoing
promised to ask you out (when he’s mentally stable) LOL WHENS THAT HAPPENING
god you are so good at talking about throats i never knew that the feeling of someone’s throat could make me feel emotions
HE IS A MORON oh my god but he isn’t a bad guy (tumblr needs to see this after their comments on season 3 carmy)
carmy i beg do the fucking work i need you two to have sex now x
i love the way i can’t exactly tell who’s thoughts these are/ the respective it’s being written from - like some lines are so chip then some are so carmy and some are also giving me michael vibes (could be completely off parr with this and you didn’t intend for me to read into it this much).
for example
- [ ] “you squint like he’s a moron” is so chip, but then the “he is” is so mikey
- [ ] and then the “of course you want him to change” is so carmy and the “he sucks” is so mikey
stop thinking about food carmy oml wrap it up,
oh carmy you could definitely be better but
NO CHIP YOU COULD NOT BE BETTER NEVER ACCEPT DEFEAT “insert rodrick saying deny deny deny”
jk chip is a flawed character but also so likeable and that’s why we love her
the peoples princess did go hard to be fair this is so random but my ex boyfriend always said i was a fixer like chip but he never called me the peoples princess and the reason why is insane… HE DIDNT KNOW WHO PRINCESS DIANA WAS. bear in mind this boy was a fucking genius, going to one of the hardest degrees at a very good school and we are both british how in hell do you not know who princess diana is you fucking weirdo
i knew he was a making a dish in his head, and what does he do, go and prove me right and make a dish in his head
ITS EASIER TO MAKE THINGS WHEN THEY ARE FOR YOU,,,,, ABOUT YOU WTF
me with a chronic nail biting problem and a therapist 👁️👄👁️
you are both little morons i need richie (ideally mikey but that’s obvs no possible) to come and tell you this
finally they are back in sync
this proving yourself thing is kind of crazy but it’s also carmen so EVENTUALLY THANK GOD
it is definitely weird to have the same therapist
the cat analogy is so good i feel it in my bones
i would say i love you tbf, too soon but she was MIKEYS PICK
such a cat response
i’m glad we have reaffirmed that she will still work there because i need to see this happen
with you??? wtf do you mean you two need labels istg
he has receipts like idk what to tell you it’s fucking carmy and when it comes to chip he’s finna be in the pit (be prepared)
my reaction to carmy v fields…. oh yeah:
- THIS IS TOO GOOD WTAF
- i needed this. i needed this so fucking much
- WALK HIM LIKE A FUCKING DOG
- THIS WAS ON THE FUCKING ROADTRIP - GOD I WISH I WAS THERE RVEN FUCKING MORE WYG
-GOD YOU ARE SO FUCKING CHEKHOVS GUN
- i was chilling with dirty details and NOW ITS THIS YOU ARE AMAZING
- head of the head of the head IN THEIR HEADS
- PROZAC RIDDLED FUCKS LIKE ME… are you actually on prozac… no?
- WHY IS FAK BERE?? GO FUCKING HOME
- best friend FAK? we will talk about best friend fak later
- i love this website commentary- i had to make a website once and it was the worst experience of my life
- of course chip would learn web design
- GET HIM CARMEN FUCKINF GET HIS ASSSSSS
- WE DONT PLAY IN CHICAGO (this is so my city vs london in the uk)
- ROAD TRIP SQUAD OH MY FUCKING GOD
- i was wondering what he meant by dusty and dead… i get it now
- tip your servers and don’t ask for their numbers
- one thing richie believes is fuck the feds (even the paramedics)
*deep breath*,,, moving on
they need to kiss rn like they just do while he imagines food she imagines drinks. i would say i love you? so just fucking say it AND FUCKING KISS ALREADY
your writing, like it really is fucking amazing
oh my god
THEY KISSED TEEHEE TEHEE I AM LITERALLY KICKING MY FEET
i love the bear fandom all uniting on the fact that carmy likes having his hair pulled. like there is one consistency across all fanfictions and it is that carmy will whine when someone pulls on his hair
*chekovs gunshot* she gets headaches when she smokes, she likes the taste of his mouth, he wants to fly her to paris. these were all in one sentence YOU ARE TOO GOOD
“I want you to be permanent and carved in my tables and I want you to wear my jackets and I want you in my kitchen and in my menu and in every dumb fucking conversation I have at Christmas tellin’ family what the fuck I’m doing— I want you in every sentence.”
i’m going to do a full analysis on this… this is fucking literature i don’t know what else to say.
FAK GO AWAY I WANT THEM TO FUCK COME ON DUDE
another thing consistently in the best fanfic. carmen is a biter
the mood is not dead FUCK ALREADY
i was so worried the vibe ending would be the end of the chapter and i would have cried THANKYOU FOR WRITING SO MUCH I LOVE YOU AND YOUR RIDICULOUS WORD COUNTS
SYD IS HER OLD CAT, this is why her and carmy are so good as coworkers
you are genuinely unbelievable
“get your weird little hands off my chip you perv “they’re not weird little hands” “why is that what you dispute” they are children
i don’t feel that i can really say anything on how you wrote the scene of richie and chip after because it cannot suffice in saying how good you are at this
go away dee dee i just got a smudge of happiness
oh sugar how i’ve missed you
the. first. christmas. without. mikey.
only the girls who babysat get chip
fucking rich boy carmy thinks he’s bad now he got payed. OKG I SAID THIS BEDORE I RVEN READ THE CHARMIN LINE WE ARE THE SAME (jk you are better than me)
he wants her soooo bad
OH MY GOD. she is making him watch ratatouille. carmen you literally are a weird rat . like you are THE WEIRD RAT
of course she’s a makeup cleansing balm user that is my queen bitch. also she wants to wear converse she’s so cringe i love her
he wants her on his team!?!!
aw he’s thinking a normal carmy amount like he’s helping her plan outfits and he’s ensuring they include her accent colour so say yes to being on his team pls
yeah carmy wants the apron to be easy to take off too LOL
richie the certified on god boy
you are the queen of stupid and meaningless (not stupid at all) stuff that is actually very meaningful
he is so big brother energy (richie)
the younger siblings taking turns to sit in the console i love this it is so real
they say they’ll be happy about it but they’ll curse you behind your back
you recognise all of it. it’s nearly enough to make you cry. - ouch
HE RAN INTO MY KNIFE. HE RAN INTO MY KNIFE 10 TIMES
AND DONE
this chapter was the emotional relief i needed fuck
YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT FUCKING TIME IT IS!!!!!!!
sometimes. we simply need a reminder that time is linear LMAO. listen. is it fourth wall breaking or just dissasocciation? Maybe both. Maybe it's mabelliyne.
NOT SKINNY LMAOOO as a plus size girl, I truly was considering writing in somewhere a moment of Chip awkwardly having to crawl up on the counter (how do people do just jump on the thing? i do not have that power)
I fear I'll never let go of my shoe motif. I fear I'll actually never let it drop.
Parasocial Chip my beloved,,, man I gotta write blurbs of her in her crush era when she didn't know Carm yet. SOMEONE REQUEST IT How are you NOT supposed to find this Denmark Virgin with a LOT of jean jackets hot??!?!?! he's charming!!! also you're BOTH losing at the not-awkward-lympics.
i truly have to reastablish the timeline by saying 'month ago' because if i dont i will truly forget where we are in time. i'm almost certain i've gotten dates wrong anyways. it's fine, the revisions will fix it alright it's fine.
THANK YOU I TRY TO TALK ABOUT THROATS IN A FUN WAY. I guess honestly I feel emotional in my throat, when I get emotional. Like. If I get mad or sad or guilty, it sort of closes up a bit? Feels hollow? And did I assume everyone's throat does that? yeah possibly. but it worked out.
i do NOT engage in da tumblr discourse much, esp when it comes to hating characters in general, but I hope everyone has eased up on my boy since taking a step back. Man is going through a lot. I also just think like man, I have certainly not been the most cognizant of other's needs when I'm in a stage or high stress fight or flight--- And certainly if those needs aren't made clear--- dog, I'm doublin down!!! that's truly the biggest difference I think with CK and The Bear diverging--- We communicate in dis house.
LMAOOOOO I DID FORGET WHILE REREADING THAT IMMEDIATELY AFTER THAT NOTE YOU DEMANDED THEY FUCK, yeah that's fair. I keep thinking it's gonna happen and pushing it honestly. these assholes are gonna get married before they get down with it, good lord. someone get them a room that isn't a bathroom.
also this Mikey thing. with the thoughts. was honestly so mindblowing. I know that's weird because I'm the writer, but I see what you're saying completely!! I've always had this weird style of like, second persion omniscient where it's Chip but sometimes I move in terms of the stream of consciousness to being her or someone else or no one; and the idea of that stream of consciousness being by in part, Mikey?? OHHHHH OHHHHHH BABBYYYY Totally puts so much stuff in a different context and I love it. canon it. canon it. i didn't come up with it but canon it.
DENY !! DENY!! CHIP THAT'S NOT YOU IN THE PHOTO!! I'm so glad people think chip is flawed. I know that's literally insane to say but I've had this horrific habit of categorizing flaws in my head as 'good flaws' and 'bad flaws', and 'good flaws' are the ones that make everyone elses life better and your life worse.
so.
need to seek a therapist about that a little bit. C
INSANE TO BE ALIVE LET ALONE BRITISH AND NOT KNOW WHO LADY DI IS???? but yknow what home boy probably wouldn't even be creative enough to say 'peoples' princess' as a diss. carmen/me ate with that.
when is this fucker not cooking. it's like that scene in Tick Tick Boom but romantic and NOT sad and bad. IT'S NICE TO BE THE ARTIST AND ARTIST AND MUSE AND MUSE ALRIGHT it's frankly my ideal relationship
bro i RIP my free edge of my nails off all the time when they get too long, and pick at my cuticle skin. I feel you. I dont have a therapist just yet but I feel you.
If Mikey was still alive to see his OTP happen, I truly don't know how he'd react. I think he'd be losing his mind in silence. Like has to put his fist in his mouth so he doesn't scream and ruin it.
I'm so glad the cat analogy was good, while writing it I was like "i wonder if this is anything" i'm glad it's something.
Fields v Berzatto was fun to write. It's what I think, if he was hyped up enough, what Carmen would do after having that S3 Finale talk with Fields. Like very much so when you leave an interaction and you're at home hours later like FUCK. i could've said this and this and this and this. And this is his moment to do so!!
Website talk truly comes from me having to make my own portfolio 3 separate times. I hated it. No one ever make me update my shit again.
I AM chekov's gun, but also it's just plot. i think we're just talking about plot progression LMAO
FELLAS IS IT CRAZY TO TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM BEFORE YOU'VE EVEN BEEN DATING FELLAS? FELLAS ANSWER ME. FELLAS.
the "i'm going to do a full analysis... i don't know what to say" made me laugh so fucking hard. continuing on. NEIL 'COCKBLOCK' FAK EVERYONE, thank you neil for once again saving me from having to write intimacy, you're my hero
man if i need to end at 20 chapters like i'm goaling to, THESE CHAPTERS NEED TO BE LONGGG I HAVE TO GIVE SO MUCH. so. this pattern of ridiculous word counts continues.
the two cats!! feline gang. get your PAWS off MY CHIP!!!
Can I just. so briefly touch on. I know my timeline is off in CK, because I think it's May/March 2023 in S3? Can't remember. It was dated in episode 2. But like. I am so mad about this. Because that means they skipped/didn't acknowledge:
November 15th, Mikey's birthday, first one without him. (Which, fun fact, and incidental, timeline wise in CK, this would probably be the day Carmen/Chip met since it's mid-late December for them?)
The First Christmas Without Mikey.
AND February 22nd, his Death Anniversary. are you fucking KIDDING ME? WE JUST SKIPPED ALL OF THIS IN THE RENO SKIPS? ARE YOU FUCKING JOSHING ME? THESE ARE SUCH INTEGRAL MOMENTS. NOW I HAVE TO MAKE EM UP MYSELF?!?!?! HELP ME OUT STORER PLEASE.
anyways. carmen thing's he's bad or wtv. too bad he's a weird rat.
i think carmen honestly loves dress up. like he owned so many jean jackets and jeans and also lived in denmark and New York. Like. he'd love to style Chip, truly. also wants her to be on his team and have an easily removable apron but that's neither here nor there.
I love stupid and meaningless that is deep with meaning!!! that's my memo baby that's my number!!
HE RAN INTO MY KNIFEEEEEE WATCH THE TAPES BACK HE KIND OF DID.
I would say more, but I HAVE to go put together chapter 15 and put it out for you. this is all to say thank you so much for your thoughts i remember reading them in the morning and gigglin and being late for work. good times. i always love to read your brain!!
I love it. Chicago’s Kindest. The symbolism. Ugh the food symbolism. The fucking FOOD SYMBOLISM!!! The basil, the cherries, I can’t I literally can’t. David actually (sort of) liking the food because he didn’t try to be perfect he just did it because he loved making it for her because he lo- lov- loves her…! 🥹
Truly I lost my mind in the greatest way possible. Thank you for writing this. If I could give you a consensual kissy smooch on the forehead I would
Not to mention that David liked the food he also wanted her number. The way she reflects Carmen’s food and how well he does it is soooooo
The way David actually liked the food but didn’t want to show it but still technically showed it when asking for her number. (Because she and his food are one and the same). The way Carmen protected her by not giving her number out. And vice versa protecting himself UGH (I’m gonna be sick in the best way possible)
(Also they should’ve fucked in the bathroom)
First of all, it will never not make me laugh reading back people's reviews of Don't Say It and so many of them being like wow, this is so beautiful, i'm so happy for their emotionally intimate relationship and the intricate ways in which they both externally and internally show they care for each other.
and they always at one point or another say
also he should have railed her <3
absolute DOGS you lot !!! nah, kidding. I didn't even expect them to smooch at all going into it. But then the man was very nice and there were very few ways for Tony to show appreciation. BUT IT'S HARD TO FUCK HARD WHEN YOU'RE BOTH VISIBLY TEAR STREAKED IN THE TRAUMA DUMP BATHROOM YKNOW???
But on to your fucking actual thoughts. Christ. I lo-lo-love writing food symbolism man!! I love writing cherries into fucking everything now. Smooch your screen I promise I'll feel it. I feel the emotional smooch in my heart.
THE DAVID ANALYSIS IS SO INTERESTING, BECAUSE I DID INTEND THIS VIBE IN A SENSE, BUT YOU EXTENDED ON IT SO MUCH MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT.
This is like that one Jordan Peele QnA where a viewer was like 'it was crazy in Get Out the way you segregated the fruit loops from the milk as a metaphor for her racism' and he went 'that's so cool. i did just do that because i thought eating dry cereal and drinking milk was the act of a psychopath'.
Like, I did want the David number thing to be an implication of approval because like you said, he can't just fucking SAY it it's fucking DAVID!! But going a step further to say Chip just IS Carmen's food, in essence,,,, oooofhfodjooh!!!!! thoughts!!! the thoughts are thoughting!!!
VERY much so when Carmen went on his insane bitch journey in New York it was an act of protecting himself as much as it was Chip. I noodled on it while writing Two Steps Back, but inevitably cut it--- Initially though, when writing Carmen's thoughts on giving your number, it was going to be riddled with insecurity on the subject that like. Hey maybe you should give david her number. He's competent and he wakes up on time and he has stars and he's not carrying an overwhelming amount of baggage.
This was eventually ditched as I thought longer on it and Carmen Compartmentalizes Berzatto, to me, would just opt to simply not even think about it. Just walled it off. my poor boy. if he simply fucked in a bathroom he would probably feel better.
