#external processing

[runninwiththebeat]

//; Okay so I got to come clean, and externally process I think. 

This post honestly is for me to expose my thoughts in relation to rp/being creative-- and in this case: my blogs in particular. 

It’ll all be undercut. You do not have to read. Again, this is a step to see if it helps me finally move forward.

Comments are welcome-- constructive ones of course. Let’s not get mean, cool? 

warning: negative; rambling; self critic

As it is well-noticed I have a habit of disappearing, and often mention how much I want to return and don’t. I’m not proud of this cause I feel like it’s a huge let down and disappointment to people I role-play with-- more than likely it is at least a small to mild disappointment. And that includes myself because I love rping! It’s an It was outlet for me.

But for the past year it’s turned into a stressor. I simply log on and my mind starts thinking negatively towards myself. And I’m also thinking: me @ me: What the fuck?

It’s like I’m failing before I even log on, or I’m expecting to be hated by my partners. (which very often has been the exact opposite.) 

And yes some of the reasons for my absents are because of life. Work picked up because two producers were out, I’ve been trying to take care of/further finical stuff on my own so I can better support myself, car issues, therapy, etc. 

All things we deal with one way or another. And that right there is were I start to feel like, “Why can’t I manage this and life? Everyone else can? What are you doing wrong?” (Hello self critic welcome to party) I can’t help but play the comparison game and wonder, “Why aren’t you like them?”

To be honest this is the mindset ( “Why aren’t you doing more? Why don’t you create something of value? You aren’t as creative as them. You don’t belong. You are a let down. What is your worth? Why can’t you do this? Why aren’t you good enough?” ) I’ve been dealing with and trying to change for almost a year now.  I feel so lost and anxious. I don’t want to be.

It’s infected nearly everything I enjoyed once, and I hate it. 

Yet I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I just need to start writing again, and don’t look back. Or if I need to take an official hiatus. Or if I need to do something else I haven’t thought of. I don’t know. 

I want to change and create again. 

[putyouinabook]

3/23/17 - Some Thoughts

“Is this it? Are you really going to be a writer?”

I was in my car, on my way to the coffee shop (to write), and as I was going over the train tracks, I asked myself this question. It popped into my head, kind of from nowhere, but it generally spawned from the following self-reflection: “Here I am, driving 20 minutes to go sit in a coffee shop and write when I could have sat at home to write, because I seem to focus on writing better at the coffee shop than at home,” 

So the thought came chasing me down, as it has done before, but never this strongly. “Is this really it? Is this what you’re going to do with your life?”

I am a class A self-sabotager, so my brain was trying to trick my down all the usual rabbit-holes: calling me out on my flakiness, how I was super into writing as a kid/teenager but I let it drop for three years, how I’m lazy and scared of hard work, how I always aim low in life, my fear that I can’t actually support myself as a fiction writer/playwright, etc., etc. 

But I stuffed all that down for a moment, and I thought, “Dang, I want to try. I want to put in all the work and see where it goes,”

As I walked into the coffee shop, carrying my new bag that I bought specifically for the purpose of hauling my writing stuff (to the coffee shop), I greeted the barista who recognizes me because I’m kind of a regular. I’m the girl who comes in and always sits by the window and always gets a small cappuccino. Honestly, I found myself hoping she’d ask me what I do, so I could tell her, “Oh, I’m kind of trying to become a freelance fiction writer,” She didn’t. 

Kind of? Trying? As I look at how I talk to myself/about myself as a writer, I realize how serious this self-sabotaging thing is. I am becoming a freelance fiction writer. I think I might already be there. Just because I’m not making money yet doesn’t mean I’m not freelancing. 

Every time I say, “It’s worth driving 20 minutes so I have better focus and can get more outlining and writing done today,” Every time I say, “Sorry, guys, not tonight, I haven’t written yet today,” Every time I'm reading a book and I highlight the things that stand out to me, things I want to emulate. Every time I pin and (more importantly) read articles on improving one’s writing on Pinterest. 

This feels especially important to me right now, at this moment in 2017, when i’m 22 and still living in my parents’ house and trying to save up enough money to move back to a city I loved living in. I have spent so much of the last five-six years of my life lost and insecure. I spent most of those years caught up in a dead-end relationship and a vision of myself as a pathetic, stupid, little girl, which has kept me underachieving and unhappy. 

I can feel how, over the last eight months, my mindset has shifted. Back in August, I made this post about the fact that I had officially decided I wanted to start taking my writing seriously. I guess this is a bit of a followup post. I keep praying about my writing and I feel like God is cheering me on, or at maybe doing the God-equivalent of Shia LeBeouf saying “Don’t let your dreams be dreams!!”

I want to. I want to fight for these stories. I want to fight to get them into the world, like beautiful little birds who will land on other people’s windowsills, and become part of their lives. I. Love. Telling. Stories. And I love sharing my stories with people. So, please, don’t let me get away with talking like a flaky waffle. I’m already doing the work I need to do to be successful as a writer; I’m writing. Every day. I just need to be brave and keep at it. 

So, yes. This is it. I’m a writer, and I’m going to be a writer. As long as that’s where I’m called, that’s where I’ll run. Hopefully I can send you some story birds soon. 

Thank you for reading this. God bless, 

Clare

[putyouinabook]

12/18/17 - external processing

I just want to be loved. But I’m scared that when it finally comes, it’ll be like the last time it came, when I always kind of doubted it. I never actually felt like it was real. Every gesture of affection felt surreal, disingenuous - maybe because it was, but maybe just because my heart is stuck in an unreality and so romance feels insincere. Tonight I felt loved, but I was sad, because it was love I had to just receive and let be, not love I could curl up in and live inside. So maybe that answers my question. When love - real love - comes, I’ll recognize it, and I’ll be able to curl up inside. 

[vintagebutterfly]

A lot of people would be a lot more bearable if they had a journal. You don't have to tell me your inside thoughts, you can just write them down. And you don't have to lie to me about what you just said, it's right there, pen on paper, for you to reflect on. ♥

[giving-breath-to-dreams]

I want to quit my job today

And not have to spend two more weeks pretending I care.

Wishing I was anywhere other than this apartment-In front of these monitors.

From her hospital bed last night

My auntie said I had to secure a new job first.

From apartments, offices, and vans

My friends and siblings say to

Run.

Fly.

Get out—

Now.

So I think I’ll find a happy medium and give my two weeks notice.

[putyouinabook]

External Processing 10/23/16

Inside Out it so important to me. As you grow and you change, your memories change. Memories that are beautiful and good can become sad or disgusting to you depending on the experiences and emotions that follow in the future. Memories that are painful and ugly can become beautiful as more pieces fall into places. Right now, I’m sitting in a place where five years of good memories are shifting and morphing to reconcile with where/who I am now, and it really hurts. It hurts to lose pieces of yourself that once felt so important. But it’s an oddly good kind of pain - that kind that comes with growing. 

[putyouinabook]

A reflection - May 14th, 2016

Today, I realized its only 1 month until my half birthday. I’m the only person I know who cares even remotely about half birthdays, but here’s the thing. My birthday is in December. By June 14th, the year is quite literally half over. Its like a mile marker, a place to stop and take stock of how things are, or aren’t. It’s already 5 and a half months into 2016, and this year has been incredible for me. I have already done over half the things that, from 2013 to 2015, I doggedly insisted I couldn’t do. I wonder that I’m not more amazed or impressed by the enormous personal growth I’ve experienced just since January, but I guess that’s a good thing. I’ve just settled into this new, better version of me. And that’s certainly not to say that I’ve figured it all out our that I’ve gotten where I’m going. I’m far from perfect. I have a ways to go yet. But I’ve overcome things I thought were insurmountable, and I can’t wait to see what the rest of 2016 has in store. 

[thruamartyrseye]

blind date (external processing)

alright, so. last night i went on the first blind date of my life. it was an experience to say the least. i need to share this with tumblr or at least get it down so that i can look back and read this later and laugh. 

alright so. 

the very first interesting aspect was getting into his car and him apologizing for the dented in roof. you could clearly see the indentation of a human form imprinted into the car hood. which could have been a hilarious story (i also could care less about what care he drives or the state of it..) but he didn’t know how it got there. He came out to his car parked in the parking lot and just found it dented in. No person around to provide an explanation. 

we get to the restaurant and continue chatting. this is where things get weird.

-he asked where in the world i would go if money was not an issue. i said any part of scandinavia because its true and more interesting of an answer than “any part of europe” or the easy answer “australia”. I asked what his destination of choice would be...and was told “North Korea”. Because “Totalitarian systems fascinate me. I really respect how efficient and productive they are.” You have got to be joking. Seriously? Seriously? Wow, okay. A very unique answer, for sure. We continued to talk about North Korea and I said, “I would never want to live in a country that I couldn’t leave, or had complete lack of freedom.” His response was something along the lines of, “They don’t know any different, they don’t know what they’re missing out on.” I can’t remember his exact statement but essentially it was very dismissive and alarming. 

-On the topic of Totalitarian systems (because who doesn’t talk about that on a first blind date?!) this person decides to add that he really respects Hitler because he was a “Genius and master manipulator who was able to get people to do what he wanted.” Seeing what I can only imagine was a look of horror on my face he quickly responded with, “I don’t think it’s okay that he killed a bunch of people to get where he got.” There are SO many things I could say about that particular conversation topic. However, I will sum it up with the fact that it is an extremely problematic statement and I personally find summing up what Hitler did as “killing a bunch of people” as far too simple and offensive. It was much more than that. I’m not a historian and I’m horrible at defining my arguments so I’m going to leave it at that. 

-He asked me what I do at work and what I’m going to school for. As I’m a CNA and soon going to be working as a phlebotomist and ultimately want to be a registered Nurse; this started a conversation about healthcare. Essentially it consisted of him telling me stories about shitty doctors he had had, who either misdiagnosed him or accidentally caused him to overdose because they messed up his prescriptions. Which is very interesting because what I know of healthcare and medication, there is much more than the Doctor involved. Pharmacists are involved as well and while I know unfortunately mistakes happen, I am skeptical. Especially given the direction that our conversation had gone so far that night. I somewhat felt like he was telling me that he thought my profession of choice was mediocre. Additionally, he told a story about how a nurse had jabbed him harshly with a needle on too much of a slant and so he flexed really hard and jerked his arm. Which bent the needle and she tried to retract it and the entire shot was stuck in his arm. She freaked out and apparently was either fired or quit her job because of the experience. I asked, “Didn’t that hurt? It sounds like it would be very painful...” and his response was, “Oh yeah, it hurt a lot but I had to prove a point.” Wow. Okay. Another time he shattered his wrist in a hockey game and the athletic trainer told him that he had dislocated his wrist and tried to realign it. He passed out because it was so painful and according to him the hockey team fired her because “you can’t dislocate your wrist, that’s not an actual thing.” I’m not sure if it is or not but according to google, it is possible to dislocate your wrist. 

-I asked him what he was interested in doing professionally and he mentioned that he’s currently studying to take the LSAT. Which according to him is the “stupidest test ever and pointless”. Okay, alright then. Then he went on to mention that he really enjoys arguing with people and that even if he agrees with someone on a certain topic, he will argue until they agree that his stance is more correct. Sounds exhausting and obnoxious. I responded with, “Sounds like you’re a bit of a stubborn individual.” He readily agreed. 

-He works for his dad as a manager of the bar his dad owns. According to him he’s really good at it but doesn’t want to do it forever. He also really enjoys throwing drunken people out. “If you are really drunk or make me angry, I enjoy the experience of kicking you out.” Hmmm. Okay. He made several other comments like that, but at this point I feel like I don’t even need to dictate those examples. 

-We were discussing books, movies and tv shows. A typical first date conversation. When asking about what his favorite books were his response was dismissive and “you’ve probably never heard of them, most people haven’t.” Then proceeded to tell a story about the last book he checked out from the library hadn’t been checked out since 1974. He also said that his favorite books are the type that people read and fall asleep during. He likes books on philosophy and that type of thing. Then we were talking about how he’s a really into movies and a movie buff and his favorite movies were “Pans Labyrinth” (I’m sorry...but MAJOR EYE ROLL) and “City of God”. Which is a Portuguese film about gangs and drugs. I sassily asked, “Do you like any films in english?”  

-According to him, he was the ringleader of his group of friends in highschool. They caused $75,000 worth of damage to the school from their senior prank. When they got caught and the principle called them in to reprimand them, they brought a lawyer (what high school kid has a lawyer handy..?!) with them and told the principle that they knew of a criminal act the principles son had committed and they would bring him to court and send him to jail as they had several witnesses (who apparently stood by and watched this happen but are completely innocent...?) to support their statement. Apparently this threat was enough to cause the principle to drop charges/punishment. 

At this point, I’m exhausted typing everything out and honestly, I think I’ve made my point abundantly clear. This blind date was definitely an experience. I am completely okay with being single right now and holding out for a respectable, decent human being who appreciates and respects others. What the hell. I’m really unsure why my friend thought I would be a decent match for this guy? Throughout the “date” I just kept thinking...”My dad, brother and brother in law would never act or say this...” as well as, “I would much rather be at home watching netflix...or snuggling with my niece.”