#self negativity

[corsetslaced-moved]

…does anyone actually want me here?…

[snonkerdoodledreams]

oh and now i am feeling the urge to hurt myself again! ok!

[katia-dreamer]

It starts with one bad thought.

Unkind and jagged

It drops into my mind,

like a rock into water.

Gradually, the thoughts expand.

Rippling outward,

Bending, breaking the surface

Until they reach the shore.

I am left grasping, gasping, reeling.

Until it stops.

I try to enjoy the stillness,

But I know it's only a matter of time until the next wave.

[strwrs]

It’s a little bit of a bad brain day. And I’ve had such good brain days lately. I’m a little annoyed. But also I would like to take it easy on myself. Thanks, void, for helping me figure it out. I’m peace-ing to eat dinner and watch a zombie show ✌️

[reactionimagelibrary]

[romansleftshoulderpad]

I love my ukulele but I hate my voice do you see my problem

[runninwiththebeat]

//; Okay so I got to come clean, and externally process I think. 

This post honestly is for me to expose my thoughts in relation to rp/being creative-- and in this case: my blogs in particular. 

It’ll all be undercut. You do not have to read. Again, this is a step to see if it helps me finally move forward.

Comments are welcome-- constructive ones of course. Let’s not get mean, cool? 

warning: negative; rambling; self critic

As it is well-noticed I have a habit of disappearing, and often mention how much I want to return and don’t. I’m not proud of this cause I feel like it’s a huge let down and disappointment to people I role-play with-- more than likely it is at least a small to mild disappointment. And that includes myself because I love rping! It’s an It was outlet for me.

But for the past year it’s turned into a stressor. I simply log on and my mind starts thinking negatively towards myself. And I’m also thinking: me @ me: What the fuck?

It’s like I’m failing before I even log on, or I’m expecting to be hated by my partners. (which very often has been the exact opposite.) 

And yes some of the reasons for my absents are because of life. Work picked up because two producers were out, I’ve been trying to take care of/further finical stuff on my own so I can better support myself, car issues, therapy, etc. 

All things we deal with one way or another. And that right there is were I start to feel like, “Why can’t I manage this and life? Everyone else can? What are you doing wrong?” (Hello self critic welcome to party) I can’t help but play the comparison game and wonder, “Why aren’t you like them?”

To be honest this is the mindset ( “Why aren’t you doing more? Why don’t you create something of value? You aren’t as creative as them. You don’t belong. You are a let down. What is your worth? Why can’t you do this? Why aren’t you good enough?” ) I’ve been dealing with and trying to change for almost a year now.  I feel so lost and anxious. I don’t want to be.

It’s infected nearly everything I enjoyed once, and I hate it. 

Yet I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I just need to start writing again, and don’t look back. Or if I need to take an official hiatus. Or if I need to do something else I haven’t thought of. I don’t know. 

I want to change and create again. 

[anal0ggerz]

Venting

Ok, so My school is doing a thing The band program is doing a concert thing And they're performing songs from Hamilton (which is one of my obsessions as of lately) Problem is, they need vocalists to do the singing and rapping for "My Shot" (a fantastic song from the musical) So, they're holding open auditions tomorrow after school And the band director wants more of the choir and theatre kids to do the vocals, simply because we know the music better I WANTED to audition, unfortunately, my depression has made me heavily reconsider Meaning: if it doesn't clear up a bit by my lunch period tomorrow, I'm not going to auditions AND IT SUCKS BECAUSE SOMETHING I'M SO PASSIONATE ABOUT, SOMETHING I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE I FIRST STARTED LISTENING TO THE MUSICAL, SOMETHING I LOVE It's being sucked away from me because of this disorder that my parents refuse to get me help for It's slowly eroding the things I care about and it's just NOT FAIR I wanted this SO BADLY But this mental illness is taking that away from me But, I guess I don't have any room to complain Because others have it worse than me, right? My issues, my disorder brought on by the cruelty of others, don't matter, yea? I'm not worth the care or comfort, true?