I was reading the comments and I think we’re missing the point here. People are acting like Atlas is the red flag and now suddenly it’s his fault that Ash is drifting from his family and whatever. Hello? Did we forget that Ezra was a willing participant (if not straight-up the cause) of Atlas’s trauma? How did we go from “let’s give him time” to “Atlas needs to get over it bc that's toxic"? Like?? Atlas’s feelings are valid too. WAY more valid, actually, than the feelings of the guy who caused his trauma and a woman who’s always prioritized her own wants (even to the point of guilt-tripping Fawn for simply having a different opinion about HER OWN life lmao).
P.S. Ezra already got his second chance and used it to get defensive and treat Atlas like shit. So yeah, it’s totally fair if Atlas doesn’t feel like giving him a third.
Yes! Okay, so before I dive into this, because I have A LOT to say, I will preface by saying how much I appreciate everyone taking time to share their thoughts and opinions on this. I love getting everyone’s different perspectives, and it’s one of the reasons I love this topic/theme of forgiveness. I feel like, depending on the situation, it always hits a little different, and I can’t help but wonder why people are willing to give some more grace than others.
For example, I feel like there would be less debate for Phoenix if he had chosen to never give his dad a second chance. If he’d left that door closed and never went to Chestnut Ridge, would anyone have blamed him? I doubt it. Even when he did visit Chestnut Ridge to meet and check in with Danny, he was angry and closed off with his dad, and for the most part, people were pretty understanding of that. And he had no intention of sitting down and speaking with his dad, Joey really had to wear him down (but he’s persistent like that). Even still, after they left, if Phoenix chose to never speak to him again, I think people would’ve understood that.
So, what is it about the situation with Ezra and Atlas that sparks so much debate?
Proceed below the cut to read my literal essay on the topic...
Maybe it’s because, in a way, Ezra was also a victim of the place, the community/religion/cult, they grew up in. He was essentially brainwashed. And, deep down, he really believed he was doing the right thing. He was looking out for his best friend. Granted, he was incredibly misguided, and did far more harm than good, but he didn’t understand that at the time.
That being said, he never considered Atlas. He saw Atlas as the bad person, the negative influence, someone he needed to protect his best friend from. So, his actions toward Atlas (such as outing him to the entire school) were intentional and malicious and caused real harm.
And yes, Ezra has changed. He has seen that place for what it is, and he understands that he was wrong. He is remorseful. (Does he fully understand the impact his actions had? Not really, but we’ll get there… and yes, he did get defensive during their first conversation, but I’m going to cover why this happened in another ask, so I won’t get into it here) But, really, there’s nothing he can do to change the past. All he can do, the only thing in his control, is to apologize and be better in the present and in the future.
But does that mean that Atlas should be expected to shove his feelings aside and “suck it up” and forgive him? Or, at the very least, be civil with him. For what? For the comfort of those around him? Why? Why is their comfort more important than his?
At what point did his trauma start to be seen as petty? At what point did his feelings and his needs start to be perceived as manipulative?
Maybe it’s because, in order for Atlas to have boundaries (i.e. not having Ezra in his space) it means Ezra not coming to the house, which impacts the other people in the house. But does he really need to come over in order to carry on a relationship with Iris and Spencer? Is it really that big of an ask? For six months? I don’t know.
Maybe it’s because Ash offered to not spend the holidays with this family this year and spend them with Atlas’ family instead. But they live with his family, and they see Phoenix & Dawn far less often, so I don’t think he finds this unreasonable. I think when they move to San Sequoia he will obviously want to visit his family and see them for the holidays, and Atlas will have to decide if he wants to join him or not. But they’ll cross that bridge when they get to it. Right now, they’re just trying to get through the next six months.
In any event, I will say, I wrote this arc intentionally to move in this direction. First, we see Iris taking Ezra’s side and bickering with Atlas, which is not surprising, it’s Iris. But then we start to see the scales tip for Asher too. He starts to see that Ezra isn’t a bad guy and shows signs that he’s not the same person that Atlas describes, and he gets frustrated that Atlas continues to be cold and closed off, storming off and slamming doors. He starts to view it as being immature and petty. And it’s not until he sits down and gives space for Atlas to open up that he realizes how wrong he was for that.
And this is what makes their relationship so valuable. The level of empathy and trust and respect these two have developed is unmatched. Not to mention, A+ in communication. But it didn’t come easy. These two have done the work over the years to get to this place. But I digress…
The reason I took the arc in this direction was to illustrate exactly what Atlas has dealt with his entire life. Even more than the trauma related to Ezra, is that from his own parents.
At the beginning of Part 4, Atlas wakes from a nightmare and describes the sensation of needing to cry but being physically incapable of it. “Something that was trained out of me from such a young age that I’m not sure if my body even remembers how.”
Due to the emotional abuse and neglect that he grew up with, he internalized early on the belief that he doesn’t matter. His feelings don’t matter. Maybe they’re not even real. Not the way other people’s are. To cope, he hid his feelings away, even from himself. Most of the time, Atlas’ emotional affect is neutral, regardless of what he’s thinking or feeling on the inside. (Ash is one of the few people who have been able to see through this… he struggled at first to understand him… but today, he knows him better than anyone)
For example, during the flashback scenes, we never see Atlas react to the bullying. He’s very calm, says he’s fine, refuses help. But that doesn’t reflect the truth. The truth is, Atlas is incredibly sensitive and feels things deeply. And this time in his life was painful and scary. He was afraid for himself, for his sister, for Henry, for the future, the unknown. His time with Henry was the only time he felt that weight lift, where he could just be. And Ezra took that from him too.
Henry turning on him was horrible. Not just the heartbreak of losing his first love. But the first person he opened himself up to turning on him, telling him, “Whatever this was… it was an illusion.” This shut him down for a long time. It further drove home the fact that his feelings aren’t real. And he didn’t open himself up to anyone again until Ash… and we saw how much he struggled with that.
So, the fact is, Ezra showing up, Ezra spending time with Ash, it stirs up SO MUCH.
And maybe if I was still writing prose for him, if we still had the ability to be inside his head and know what he’s thinking and how he’s feeling, maybe then more people would understand why this is so hard for him. Because the storm of fear and pain that wells up in him is overwhelming. And then to be shrugged off as if he’s the one being unreasonable just piles on to all of it, reigniting the belief that his feelings don’t matter… or that the very least, matter less than other’s. And that makes him feel isolated, and like the people he loves are going to turn on him again. That maybe that’s always meant to be his fate. And it tears him apart.
Are these fears based in reality? No. But since when are anxiety and trauma rooted in logic? That’s not how it works.
Atlas clearly has a lot to process. His trauma is his to deal with, yes. But in order for him to be able to do that, he needs to feel safe. And that’s what Asher understood when he was listening to Atlas. Like I said earlier, Ash knows him better than anyone. He knows Atlas’ past; he knows his particular brand of abandonment issues (hence, always keeping his promise not to storm off during a fight). He knows that first and foremost, Atlas needs to feel safe, secure, and supported. And then he can start to process everything that’s happening inside him.
Perhaps people misunderstand and think that the idea is to keep them separated so Atlas can avoid Ezra and everything he brings up. But that’s not it. The idea is to give him time and space, compassion and patience, so that he can work through it. But it starts with him. If he tries to talk to Ezra again now, I guarantee it won’t go any better than the last time. He’s not ready.
And, on Ezra’s side, being asked to respect Atlas’ boundaries, to stay away from the house, gives him the opportunity to gain a little trust. He has the option to get angry, to talk shit about Atlas to Iris, to feel like it’s unfair. But he also has the option to accept the fact that he hurt Atlas more than he realized. He has the option to show up differently than he would in the past. To self-reflect. To see the events of the past in a different light. And I think, if he chooses this route, it will help him show up differently if/when they talk again too.
Maybe it feels controlling or manipulative to some. In some circumstances, it probably would be. But I don’t think it’s that black and white. Sometimes it’s for the best.
And for the purposes of my story, I wanted to give Atlas something he’s never had before: loved ones hearing him, seeing him, and showing up for him. Because that’s what the Goode family does. They show up for each other when it matters most (even Iris). And one day, Atlas and Asher will have the opportunity to do the same for their own children and the people they love. 🩵💛
Random question: do Dawn and Atlas have other siblings? If so, did those siblings stay or leave? If they left why haven't they reached out to Dawn and Atlas?
Hi hi!! TYSM for this ask my friend! And I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to answer it! (I basically failed at asks all summer... but it's autumn now and that is giving me life!)
Anyway, let's get into it, shall we?
The short answer is no, Atlas and Dawn don't have any other siblings. (but I've never liked a short answer, have I?)
Long answer below the cut:
Their mother has fertility issues (same as Dawn) and was told early on that it was unlikely she'd ever have children.
In an au where she didn't live in a hyper-religious small community, I don't think it would've been as devastating of a diagnosis because she could've been honest with herself about the fact that she didn't want children.
Unfortunately, this wasn't the case, and she was devastated.
It's never fully known what treatment, if any, she underwent to eventually get pregnant with the twins. She insisted her prayers were answered and they were little miracles, but Dawn suspects otherwise:
[side note: Dawn was able to get pregnant due to where their child was conceived... which I had planned to explain during the final generation of the legacy... but considering it will have taken me three years to get through generation one, I doubt I'll get that far... Oh how optimistic I was... I may try to work it in to generation two, so I'm not going to give anything away... but if you know where Aspen was conceived, you may be able to guess where I'm going with it.]
All that being said, Atlas and Dawn do have a large extended family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. Dawn was particularly close with one of her cousins, and spent a lot of time at their home when avoiding her own.
Sadly, though, they will never see or hear from any of them again. The community is incredibly strict about shunning those that leave. And the people believe wholeheartedly in the reasons behind this.
I don't know if anyone else in their family has left. If they have, I don't know if they'd be able to find the twins now that they've both changed their names and moved so far away.
Their past is securely in the past, and I'm afraid Ezra is the only one that will come back into their lives (which they are certainly side-eyeing me for).
Speaking of Ezra, he didn't leave until he was roughly thirty years old. He had a whole life there. And he continues to try and stay in touch (even if he has no idea if his letters or gifts are received).
So, for him, there's far more potential for someone to eventually reach out...
Reading today's post had me wondering if Henry would ever come to visit Ezra or if Ezra would go to visit him. Perhaps if Henry talked to Ezra he might have a different perspective. One where an apology might actually mean something. Or if Henry came to visit he and Atlas could get closure for the past. I don't think Ezra's the only one who hurt Atlas, Henry shares part of the blame as well. I think what Atlas needs is closure and to feel safe that Ezra isn't going to turn Ash against him like he did Henry. Just a bunch of random thoughts that came to me while reading todays post. Hope you don't me sharing them.
Hello Friend!! 💖
Your thoughts are always welcome! TYSM for sharing them!
Also, sorry for taking so long to answer, but I really wanted to dive into this because there are so many good points here!
When it comes to Ezra and Henry, I’ve thought a lot about what their friendship would look like today. They’ve been best friends since they were little kids… maybe 7-8 years old. And their friendship continued after Atlas left. The two of them have been through a lot… more than we’ll ever really know.
Ultimately though, I doubt they’ll ever see each other again. Why? Well… are we ready for another essay?
Henry forgave Ezra a long time ago. He holds nothing against him. Partly because he has first-hand knowledge of who he was then, and who he is today, and why. But also, because Ezra was only one of many people who made him feel like there was something deeply wrong with him. Made him feel ashamed of being who he is. Held him back from living a life that brought him joy. There was nothing uniquely cruel about Ezra. In fact, he was doing what he had grown up to believe was right. Henry knew Ezra was doing the best he knew how to at the time. It was all either of them knew.
Over the years, as his eyes were opened, it was Ezra who stayed by Henry's side, helped him see that he deserved better, and helped him get out in the end. All the ways Ezra failed him when they were younger, he did everything in his power to correct as they got older. Henry acknowledges that, and is grateful for it.
Unlike Atlas, Henry doesn’t blame Ezra for his decision to stay when they were younger. Yes, Ezra talked him into it. But deep down, Henry knew he would. He wanted to leave, but he also didn’t. It’s terrifying to leave behind everything you’ve ever known, especially knowing you can’t come back once you do, and especially when you’re still so young. And unlike Atlas and Dawn, Henry had a good relationship with his family. Not so much his father, but he was close with his mother and his younger siblings. (And Ezra knew this, which is why he pointed out to Henry that leaving would break his mother’s heart.)
For Atlas, the decision to leave was the only one he had. But it wasn’t like that for Henry. Whether or not it was conscious at the time, Henry told Ezra about his plans to leave with the hope of getting his blessing but knowing he wouldn’t. What Henry really wanted was strength and resolve. And Ezra gave him that. Ezra made him feel like a warrior ready for battle. And that’s how he approached Atlas when he broke his heart. That’s how he was able to stand firm even as his own heart broke. Henry regrets that day with every fiber of his being. But the only person he blames is himself.
Even still… even though Henry will always consider Ezra a friend… he’ll always be associated with his past. Now that he has settled down in Henford, he’s putting more and more distance between his old life and his new one. And the more distance he has, the more distance he wants to keep.
That being said, I think they’ll always stay in touch one way or another, even if all they do is send each other annual Winterfest cards with a brief life update. And, given all the recent changes in Ezra’s life, a new girlfriend and a baby on the way, and his sudden connection to Atlas, I could see him giving Henry a call and telling him about all of it. In fact, I think he’d feel it necessary. Not telling him that Atlas is a part of his life now would feel like lying, like keeping a secret from him that he shouldn’t.
I have a rough draft of how this conversation might go, nothing final yet, but I think you’re right. I think Henry could help to give Ezra some much-needed perspective. Especially considering how his initial conversation with Atlas went.
In fact, let’s talk about that for a minute… let’s really break it down because there are a few reasons things escalated the way they did…
The first mistake Ezra made was trying to make friendly small talk. I don’t know if it’s been stated in the story, or only in oc ask/tag games, but Atlas hates small talk under normal circumstances. Let alone with someone who he has such a negative association with. I imagine he’s already on edge when he shows up at Ezra’s house, but he’s shoving those feelings to the side the best he can. Ezra picks up on his energy and is feeling awkward. More than anything, I think he was just trying to break the ice and be friendly because he has no idea how/where to start this conversation.
He's surprised when Atlas cuts him off so abruptly, but he’s also glad to be able to skip the pleasantries and just start talking… so he does. He starts to explain that he left and why, and of course, Henry immediately comes up. He admits to being wrong for talking him into staying and says, “he was so unhappy.”
Atlas hears the past tense and immediately fears the worst. Ever since he left, Atlas has worried about Henry. He hated not knowing if he was okay and likely ran every possible worst-case scenario through his head a thousand times over. Sitting here with Ezra brings all of this to the surface.
Luckily, Ezra is able to ease his fears and confirm that his use of the past tense only means that Henry is no longer unhappy. That he’s doing well now. And he shows Atlas proof of this through the collection of post cards on his wall.
Atlas is so relieved by this that for a moment, tensions ease, and they continue talking. He even laughs a bit, happy to know that Henry followed his dream of moving to the country.
Things take a turn when Ezra admits to never knowing that was a dream of Henry’s. He’s quite taken aback; no one knows Henry better than he does. But here Atlas is, knowing this detail that he didn’t know, and isn’t even surprised Henry kept it from him. And then Atlas accuses him of “shitting on his dreams, tearing him down.” And Ezra denies it.
It’s this denial that causes Atlas to snap. To him, this denial is proof that he hasn’t learned a thing, he’s the same person he’s always been. His emotions boil over and all the anger and resentment and bitterness come pouring out. He unloads on Ezra, tells him exactly what he thinks of him, barely letting him get a word in edgewise.
When he finally gets a chance to speak, Ezra makes his final mistake by saying, “You have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m the one that’s been by his side all these years. You’re the one who left!”
Yikes.
Here’s the thing… when emotions are high and we’re fighting with people, things don’t always come out right, and what we say is often misinterpreted.
That’s what happens here.
Atlas interprets this as an accusation. As if he’s just as much to blame because he left. And because this scene is essentially told from Atlas’ pov, we interpret it this way as well.
But really, Ezra wasn’t accusing him. He wasn’t trying to throw the fact Atlas left in his face. What he meant was that Atlas doesn’t know what he’s talking about because he wasn’t there. The thing is, Atlas knew Henry for one year. Ezra was friends with Henry for ten years before Atlas came into his life, and he’s been friends with him for more than ten years after. So, he doesn’t see Atlas as the expert on how Henry felt.
They each have a unique perspective, and they each believe their own perspective is correct.
The truth is, they both are correct.
But their tempers are too high to hear each other out.
In my opinion, Ezra was right to end the conversation. To ask Atlas to leave.
If he hadn’t, they would’ve gone in circles, fighting about Henry, represented here by his postcards, still caught between them all these years later, but unable to speak for himself.
I think it’s easier for Atlas to focus on defending Henry. It’s easier than acknowledging his own pain. It would have been far worse for him to hear Ezra deny the ways he hurt him personally, than how he hurt his friend. But until Atlas is ready to have this conversation without making it about Henry, I don’t think they’re going to get anywhere.
However, I do hope that Ezra took a moment after Atlas left, when he was alone and the house was quiet, to think about what he said. Because he wasn’t wrong.
I think it’s entirely possible that Henry never told Ezra all the little ways he put him down over the years. Why would he? Everyone treated him that way. Everyone but Atlas. Atlas was always the exception to the rule. At the time, I think that made it easier for him to tell himself that Atlas was manipulating him. It was easier than accepting everyone else was.
So, it’s likely this is the first time Ezra considered that he hurt people in more ways than he realized. And it’s why I think a conversation with Henry would be good for him. He could get more perspective on the effect his words and actions had on both of them. And, like you said, make his apology more meaningful if/when Atlas opens that door again.
As for Henry speaking to Atlas, I don’t see this happening. Would it be beneficial? It could be. For sure. There’s the possibility that they could both get closure. But, looking at it from Henry’s perspective, Atlas is an ex-boyfriend he was with for a year in high school. It ended badly. Fourteen years ago. Yes, it was an important relationship and left a lasting impact, but it’s in the past. And, as I said earlier, Henry wants to keep distance between his old life and his new one.
Not to mention, Henry doesn’t want to play mediator between Ezra and Atlas, and the way things are between them right now, he would absolutely get dragged into the middle. And I could see Atlas being a bit triggered if Henry tried to defend Ezra, which he probably would do.
But you’re 100% correct that what Atlas needs right now is to feel safe that Ezra isn’t going to turn Ash (or any of his other loved ones) against him. And I think that’s why the boundaries they’ve put in place now are going to be so helpful for him. He’ll have the space to process everything, and he’ll hopefully get to a place where he can have a productive conversation with Ezra… one where he can keep the focus on himself rather than deflecting to Henry.
