#f5t

[bettsfic]

Why can’t I leave feedback on The First Five Times on AO3? I’ve been looking for this fic for YEARS! The last time I read it I didn’t have an account and didn’t know about bookmarks. It’s one of my UGLY CRYING FAVES!!!! Here’s your feedback ITS FUCKING GENIUS!!!!!

aw thanks anon!!

[bettsfic]

The First Five Times: 2, 8, and 11

What’s my favorite part of the fic?

Cas took another step toward Dean until they were mere inches apart, and searched his face, before answering quietly, "It means, Dean, that I'm not worth the apocalypse. I'm not worth you drinking yourself to death. I'm not worth this cabin you built..." He pulled the Om out from under his shirt and lifted it toward Dean. "...or this necklace I never take off...I'm not worth any of that, Dean, because I'm not anything at all. I don't exist. I'm not real." A shuddered breath escaped him as tears streamed down his face. "I failed you, I failed my Father, I failed my brethren, I failed myself. And now I'm facing those consequences, but I can't properly wallow in my own hell when you wake me up every morning by kissing my neck and telling me how much you love me."

Dean couldn't help it anymore. He couldn't hold back his own tears and he couldn't hold back his hands, which reached forward to pull Cas into his chest. "You can't ask me not to feel this way, Cas," he murmured into Cas's neck. "You can't ask me to give up the one thing holding me together just so you can have your existential pity-party." After a long moment, he pulled Cas away and held him by the shoulders, then stared him in the eyes, concluding, "You're destroying me so that you can destroy yourself."

Cas swallowed and took a step back, out of Dean's grasp. Without breaking his gaze, his face hardened into its usual mask of indifference. The tears stopped, and Cas took a deep breath, then replied, "Yes, Dean, that's exactly what I'm doing."

Was there anything I only learned about the fic after I had finished it? (themes, motifs, symbolism, etc)

Oh god. So much. I wrote this coming off my own amphetamine addiction so there was all this connective tissue I put in it. Now that it’s been a year, I see that intentionally putting symbolism in something doesn’t really do much for the narrative, but at the time it really helped me navigate exposition, foreshadowing, and detail.

There’s this whole triad of the creator, the maintainer, and the destroyer that I thought ended up being pretty interesting. The whole thing is about the cyclical nature of time in contrast to linear reality, and the idea that reality doesn’t exist, so we all live in this false spacetime trapped by our own perception. In other words: reality is irrelevant, but we are not.

If I were to rewrite this fic, what would I change?

I would clean it up and fix the pacing. I think it’s a good story that could be told much more concisely than I wrote it. But I’m glad I wrote it the way I did because it taught me a lot and helped me work through some things I was going through. I should also probably change the archive MCD tag to “temporary death” but the whole idea of death in this fic is kind of confusing.

The interesting thing about this fic is that hardly anybody read it, but those who did really liked it and connected to it, and for that I’m grateful.

[ask me fic specific questions] [the first five times]

[bettsfic]

hihihihih firstly I'm a huge fan of your work! Also I have a story prompt. I know I won't be able to write it because I don't know how to write smut.. Anyway. Its when Dean is zapped to 2014 and meets 2014!Dean and Cas and all. At some point Cas and Dean and 2014!Dean end up in a threesome doing the sex. So I was wondering if you would be interested in writing it?

Firstly, thank you! Unfortunately, I’m not taking prompts at the moment, but I’m posting publicly in case anyone wants to pick it up. 

Also here is the Endverse Castiel/Dean Winchester/Endverse Dean Winchester tag on AO3 if you want to check it out!

[bettsfic]

So I just read The First Five Times, and it was beautiful, but now my soul hurts just a little bit. I really enjoyed the way you ended it though. On another note, I'm now going to read something full of fluff and sweetness.

I always feel so guilty when my fics hurt the souls of my readers. I have a couple happy fics, though. Sort of.

If I Run (sports!AU, E)

Constellations of Scars (post-series, M)

Mile-High Club (human!AU, E)

This Is What Dean Wants (alt-canon, M)

The Happiest Place on Earth (alt-canon, T)

Constellations of Scars is my go-to when I'm sad because it's my favorite fic I've written and makes me feel all sorts of happy squishy feelsies.

[bettsfic]

Hi, I just finished reading your "The First Five Times" on ao3, and I wanted to say it was the best supernatural fan fiction I've ever read. I couldn't stop reading, the scenes played in my head, and the ending was so beautiful. Are you planning to write the meta you've mentioned? Sorry if my English is shaky, it is not my first language. Lots of love from Japan!

Thank you for reading and giving me your feedback! Lots of love back at you from the US, and your English is perfect. <3

I keep writing bits of the f5t meta in my head, but I haven't put it down on paper (figuratively speaking). I think it requires me rereading the entire thing to pick out quotes and whatnot, which I haven't really had the patience for yet. It'll probably be in increments so I don't get overwhelmed, but yeah, I do still plan to write it, especially knowing there's someone interested in reading what I have to say on matters of philosophy.

And maybe one for "Cut You Down" also because I think the meaning of that one got a little muddled in the steamy Impala sex. 

[bettsfic]

I read Five. It was very good and I loved the way you blended canon with it, and the plot was so well done and believable and the characterization was spot on.

Thank you!! I don't know why, but I was so terrified at the reception of that fic. I thought everyone would hate it, so this means a lot to me. <3

[bettsfic]

So I finished F5T and... wow. I don't really know what to say, other than that. You write beautifully, even when it's harsh and unrelenting reality (well, not REAL reality, but you know what I mean). The feelings you write into the characters is something else, I'll tell you what. Never stop writing.

My dad always used to say, “I’ll tell you what, man,” and that’s how I knew he was being legit about something. Thank you for reading f5t, which was as tough to write as I imagine it is to read. 

[bettsfic]

Time to catch up on all my fanfiction. Wish me luck. (Queued up for tonight are: f5t, on air, without a word, two-headed boy, okay cupid, off the reservation, and we're the cliche. Lots of reading to catch up on, and I'm probably going to start by rereading the most recent chapter of Falling because I am addicted). In for a long night. Lots of crying is in my future.

OH MAN. Keep me updated on your thoughts on f5t. I want novel-length comments, missy.

Put Being Dean Winchester on that list too. I'm hopefully gonna update it tonight.