This is pretty much a CM blog at this point lmao but you might find some other stuff here from time to time 💁🏻♀️
Occasional writer and self-proclaimed meet-cute queen. You can find my masterlist here and my AO3 here
Latest fic: Stuck
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look, i used to beat myself up for being unable to deal with conflict but omygod my mum's side of the family is Terrible At Conflict.*
my gran has two (2!) women who are helping around the house and garden full time (she's a fancy rich white lady). they have been there for as long as i can remember. the relationship between the two is really toxic, so much so that one of them is threatening quit. i asked my gran discreetly what she plans to do about it, and her response was 'nothing. i'm letting them sort themselves out.'
i am having Big Feelings about this because my gran is in a position of power here and her best move,,,,,,,,, is do nothing. she can make her employee's life and work so much more bearable but just, can't be bothered??
lady, THIS IS LITERALLY YOUR CIRCUS AND YOUR MONKEYS. THEY ARE HERE FOR YOU AND YOUR COMFORTABLE WHITE ASS AND NOTHING ELSE and your reaction to them having a serious workplace issue is "the more [read: servants] you have, the more they squabble"????? (i'm quoting directly though it's translated).
bitchass entitled privileged agrhfusjzhfkhhnnnnnn
no wonder my mum and her siblings don't get along if that's how my gran handled (or didn't) their relationships growing up
*my dad's side isn't great either. and by not great i mean, conflict? what conflict? conflict is just a bad choice some people make but if you're just never upset then conflict never happens. problem solved. or rather, we don't even have these kinds of problems here - and we'll look down on you if you do
so this is just a lot of stuff about my family and what i feel about them and my general situation here and stuff and the general summary is that i dont feel as... good here anymore.
As always I find it really hard to say that I really dislike or hate either my mom or her boyfriend but I really dislike a lot of things they do.
My mom's boyfriend, who I will from now on refer to as Fern has two kids, a boy(15) and a girl(13). He is divorced from his ex (who sort of makes me feel like barfing because of what she's done to him), he lived with his mom and was raised by her (his father abandoned them). I give this background, because it is very obviously why he treats his children, and to an extent, me, the way he does. He doesn't want them to be like him, he doesn't want them to be without a parent. While that is admirable, the issue is that the attention that he gives to them, and what he wants to give to them, it is not what they need.
The two of them have their issues but they are generally nice kids who listen to me about stuff and are at least a little aware about how things are in the real world and how they are changing, even if they aren't always super good about it (the son really uses slurs and things but ughh...).
Anyway the problem is basically that... he isn't good at giving them what they want verses what he wants. He makes these choices for him, some of which make sense, and are ok to make, like "no, you can't go to your friends' house when they are an hour away," but some are just... so stupid and unhelpful!
He wants them to be things they don't want to be. He's decided more or less what he wants the son to do and while I'm sure he doesn't mean it, it is just so wrong...
So there's also me. He does the same more or less with me, only it is worse, because to an extent, I'm "better" than his kids in that I don't have the same kind of problems as them, and I'm "smart." So of course that means that he needs me to fulfill the other niches of the "son" family unit. So his son is popular but gets into a lot of trouble and stuff but I'm here and Unpopular and without a Girlfriend and super girly so he tries to make me "More Guy" and basically whenever I have anything "odd" or "girly" he feels the need to question it and it's shit.
He thinks he's funny, sort of, when he does it, and that's another thing I dislike. A LOT OF HIS HUMOR IS INSULT BASED. it is from the likes of family guy and two and a half men and it is gross gross and all relies on repetition and references of the things that they reference and repeat like old movies and events in them and things the characters do and it is so annoying and terrible and I dont care.
I don't want to be who he wants me to be and I don't think any of us do and I hate it and I don't care and I'm tired of it happening so much. I don't want to do programming, I don't want to learn about this "guy" bullshit, I don't... I don't.
So that's him i guess.
Mom.
Oh mom...
I love her but she's just... I don't know...
She's accepting and good and I love her and I don't want her to be disappointed in me but... Holy shit I don't think I am who she wants me to be anymore... maybe I never was.
She keeps making choices for me, wanting me to be Successful by her standards and that is sort of why she's ok with Fern doing what he does to me? I guess... She wants me to go through school, because Im Smart, so I should be able to do it, she wants me to go to A Good School After the next semester thats Close and she doesnt want me to do things the way I want to?
I sort of mentioned the dream I have, what I want to do this summer, and she just sort of wondered why they couldn't come here or why we all couldn't go to one place, which misses what I want from it...
I have a job at a supermarket, kind of local, only in the four states around Florida, and she doesn't want me to go so far away that I can't still maybe work there. But while I love it I don't know if I want to make it an anchoring point?
I don't even know if I want to go to class for what I'm going... or for anything...
My mom wants me to be a man she wants me to be sensible and smart and have a girlfriend and I dont know what I want I dont... I don't...
I don't want to be here, I don't want to see how they would react to this blog to my feelings to how I want to be... even if I don't know what that is...
I'm just tired.
I'm so tired of thinking about what they want and factoring that in and being so unsure and everything and I'm just so done so done so tired and done...
I don't know what im even doing.
i want to leave but im too useless too
i cant do it alone i dont want to be alone but what can i do what can i even do i cant i cant ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
