i made a “why i need FFS” video for someone..
been trying to make a video for someone who's interested in why i picked facial team in marbella and why i think i need FFS.. it was REALLY hard to do. i ended up doing it 40 times and each time i viewed what i’d done i was nearly sick and cried A LOT! after nearly 5yrs of all this including the 2 fundraisers you’d think i’d have this stuff nailed down but no. in fact post GRS my face dysphoria has got worse than ever. taking selfies etc. is fine as i have some control in the edit but videos have been a real no no unless i catch myself on the fly with instagram or something. but a proper full HD, interview to camera good sound type of affair has been so distressing anyway i finally did it this morning. did a tiny edit, rendered it then uploaded it to my dropbox for the person to check at their leisure. i can't upload it here as its too big and to be honest. i cried a fair bit after i’d done it. so i reckon it will always be just for them. maybe. i wrote a kind of script to help me as i spoke (but i ended up going way off piste and telling jokes and the usual depreciating shit i do to cover up how embarrassed i am).. this is the bit of writing, warts and all.
the idea of facial surgery has always frightened me.
the notion that a surgeon could somehow convince you that their ‘artistic vision’ for your face would somehow make you a better person. Their undoubted skills would transform your life a new person. beautiful. successful. happy. the idea of being a different person scared me to death.
then i started to transition.
i was always certain that the social aspects, the public face of my transition wasn't as important as the hormonal and bodily aspects. but as i moved away from him i realised that however i changed my body and my hormonal system and shifted across there would always be this glaringly obvious connection to a life of testosterone and sadness. as a woman who isn’t concerned about those ideas of the male gaze and western notions of beauty the initial idea of FFS felt very much the same as those strange ideas about how a woman should actually be. especially a trans woman. the idea of ‘passing’ was part of what i felt was a rigid idea of gender. i initially felt that FFS was very much part of that.
as my transition started to gain momentum i soon realised though, that i still saw him every day. and that not so much that the idea of passing was a reality, although i know it is but that if i was to gain my full potential and cut all tethers to that previous body that had caused me so much hurt, i needed to embrace and fix my face, the most obvious and social aspect of myself.
so i started researching in depth about what FFS really could do.
i was looking for the possibility that somehow instead of a brand new person FFS could reset in some way my features, stripping
away as much testosterone damage as possible and resulting in a feminized version of myself. like somehow my face had shifted along with my body. as my own transition was about keeping some sort of continuity with my life i really wanted to make the shift seamless and less jarring as possible. my eldest daughter was afraid that if i embarked on FFS that i would return a totally different person instead of the better person i was already becoming.
at first i found alexandra hammers excellent virtual FFS site which discussed how socially wether we like it or not, the face does give of gendered signs and signals through brow ridge and forehead shape, cheek development, lip distance, chin shape and hair line. these things aren't just subliminal tells they are also glaringly visual. i was already starting to notice that people were scanning my face for those signs. my dysphoria and paranoid about my face was starting to rise considerably. through virtual FFS i discovered a number of amazing surgeons and clinics that offered this service.
FACIAL TEAM though, were even 3yrs ago the ones that seemed to have taken this idea of revealing a persons true self to heart. and it informed their practise in EVERY WAY. they immediately stood out. they talked about the structure of the skull and how after puberty testosterone influenced its development. they showed with before and after photos of actual patients how a face could be reshaped at the structural level to reveal the feminised version. these results and images were not like any others i had seen from looking at over a dozen surgeons. and the fact that facial team and their patients were happy to show the results spoke loudly.
these images were subtle yet profound.
i knew that transitioning in my 40’s would be physically difficult and to be able to move through the world as a woman would be hard. i was now aware that 35+ yrs of testosterone damage
wouldn't be totally erased. i had already dropped the idea of being pretty or hyper beautiful or any of those notions i was just looking to be correct and finally myself. i had a wonderful job but was already starting to realise that people were staring at me and that my very presence was detracting somewhat from any task at hand. i needed to work towards FFS as soon as possible. i sent over photographs to facial team and booked a london consult.
since that consultation i hit some deeply distressing family hardship and had to leave my job to go care for my mother who has dementia that in turn became a massive financial hardship which is still ongoing. i decided that i needed to still have FFS if i had any chance of fulfilling any potential i had left and i started a fundraiser. i have raised some funds through amazing friends but it is nowhere near the amount i would need for FFS with facial team. i looked elsewhere to see if it could be done on a much smaller budget. i found one place that has a great reputation and is much cheaper but in the cold light no ones results were anywhere near the natural organic work of the facial teams.
through out all this my need for FFS with facial team increased and took over my need for GRS. through the NHS I've been able to have GRS but even at the last minute would have swapped it for FFS if it had been available to me. its that important. I’ve kept contact with facial team on social media and through talking with a large number of former patients and staff know that they take all aspects of these procedures extremely seriously indeed. they are informed about the trans community at large globally and have reached out. the fact that trans women from australia and the USA have journeyed to marbella for their work is testament in itself.
however we are. wether we look to that binary notion of gender or feel we exist outside or somewhere else on that spectrum,
the social view of how a face should look at a basic level still exists. if we take away all notions of beauty, body shape and all the other trappings of presentation like hair, clothes & makeup the face remains to tell us things. to show us signs of gender which then inform people and they fill in details. its real. wether we like it or not. we do it to ourselves. i do it when i see myself in the mirror every day. when take selfies. i will be doing it when i review this video. if those facial signs differ from how you see yourself internally and how you wish the world to see you. if you are READ differently that can definitely affect how you move and operate in the world. it can ultimately stop your unlocked potential from ever emerging and developing. facial team resets those signs and signals. they help you finally make yourself comfortable and at ease so you can have momentum.
