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[ WIP ]
... Episode 8, huh.
It's all downhill from here. God help us all.
The sacred art of hating has been lost. Now whenever you express dislike for a character you're met with "UM ACTUALLY THEYRE SUPER COMPLEX U JUST DONT UNDERSTAND THEM" no I understand them perfectly. I just fucking hate them.
Well, maybe... but not getting my hopes up !
Memoirs of a Geisha (2005)
It's been a really really rough year. I turned forty in November and am in medical debt, was fired from a better paying survival job because of a transphobic parent, my actual career is hitting the same wall for over fifteen years now no matter what I do, and my parents are still unsupportive and too mentally ill to not make any issues not about their own grievances or ammo against me. And I just feel so hopeless.
I had some hope with a recent fellowship that wouldn't change much for most people, but would have changed the world for me and supposedly they wanted diverse horror screenwriters who write low budget. Guess that's not trans men writers. No one wants us. No fellowships/initiatives support us. We're boring gender traitors after all. I actually thought this script was good. But now I feel stupid and embarrassed. A friend that got into the fellowship last year, helped me with my application and talked me up to the judges, but I'm still not worth more than a form letter rejection. I wasted so much of my friend's time and they talked up someone the studio didn't even think was worth getting to finals. I only hurt him in all of this.
And now part of my same garbage script is being at a live read on Wednesday. Not because it got in on merit, but because I helped the group doing it with some connections. It was a fun idea to do before this news. Now I feel gross and ashamed to show it. I was going to have to read for the lead, because there haven't been any trans masc actors available to attend. I don't think I can without crying. And even worse, the script before mine, by a cis woman award-winner, is about James Barry being a "secret woman" and this ahistoric transandrophobia has been greenlit. To go after as a loser trans man who's work and self is considered worthless by the industry feels extra shitty. I'm gonna ask to pull my script.
My dysthymia is always rough. But I've been struggling with more depression the last few months. I thought it would get better. It's full-blown major depression now.
I was supposed to call unemployment to cover me during the summer because my information got screwed up and they're refusing my application because my birth certificate still has F and my dead name on it. So I'm running out of money fast and won't be able to make rent.
I just need something to go right. But nothing ever does or will. I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of the constant transphobia at work and the industry and what should be helpful government services. I'm tired of the transandrophobia online and in "feminist" spaces. I'm just tired of everything and don't know what to do anymore. It's not getting better. All I want is some small win, a glimmer of hope, that everything I do isn't worthless - but it's not there, it's never there.
