#fallawakewithme

[fallawakewithme]

Learning to grow for the beauty of it -

Not the practicality of it.

[fallawakewithme]

I don't recognize

myself when I get like

this.

My reflection looks tired and

void of passion and happiness and -

just like a black hole.

I feel dark and gloom and

There is no console

there is no

reprieve.

How did I fall into this place?

How do I get myself

out?

[fallawakewithme]

Big Update

Heya y’all, I have a big life update that I wanted to share with my community on here. I know I haven’t been active, but I’m trying something brand new and very scary. I wanted to share since you’ve all seen me during my most challenging times:) <3

https://medium.com/@sugoi_media/i-quit-my-job-during-the-pandemic-2f7172947b7b

[fallawakewithme]

money does not buy happiness

Hey there. It’s been a while. 

I’m 27, now, quite the leap in years eh? A lot has happened, a lot hasn’t happened. I hope that you won’t be too

disappointed.

The laughter lines have gotten worse (sorry about that), some lines have even begun broaching my forehead. You’d probably find it funny, or maybe just sad... but I’ve been spending real money on face creams and oils. Instagram as a platform has exploded, so marketers have only gotten better. (My demographic is a prime target.)

That’s another thing. Financially, I am very well off. I can support myself, buy things when I’d like to buy them, and I often forget to even look at my bank account because I haven’t ran low in years. It’s true what they say, though, - 

Am I happy? You’re probably dying to know. 

I guess that the true answer is that the timing is off. I probably shouldn’t answer that question in the middle of a- well, I won’t stress you by discussing what is going on this year.

I miss you. The youthful, and excited you. Some days I find her, but most days I’m looking in the mirror trying to convince myself to breathe slowly- to think slowly- 

to find beauty in a life lived simply.

[fallawakewithme]

I.

Heartache seems foreign to me now.

I guess real love knocks the ache out of you, ya know? - rather than keeping it around to toy with you.

Younger me had no understanding of that.

II.

My favorite question to ask you is:

"did anything make you laugh today?"

Even though I regularly ask it, it still sometimes catches you off guard. When that happens, I get to see your entire expression and tone shift. I get to see those laugh lines crinkle up before the story even ensues..

I imagine that my face must light up just the same, simply from watching yours.

III.

The main remnants I have of distrust show themselves mostly in my dreams now. It's always the same concept, just the women in them change.

You are always so good in them. So faithful, loyal, and true. Yet I always end up hurt within them.

Part of me wonders whether my subconscious is trying to unwrap my true insecurities and fears. Maybe, when these other women express interest in you in my dreams, I wind up hurt because deep down... I believe that someone that great deserves so much more than little ol' me.

Maybe I keep having these dreams because I'm not good enough...

Can I be better?

IV.

Despite being so happy, I miss so many hearts on the other half of the country.

I wish they could all come over and meet my cat, Lilly.

[fallawakewithme]

I. I have wanted to write again for a while now.

Every time that I have tried, I got that familiar lump in my stomach.

I have a lump in my stomach.

As though my body hates the reminder

of pain.

II. I felt inextricably jealous today.

I am not sure why exactly I felt that way.

Maybe because it always boils down to the same thing.

I care now.

And I am not sure that any man is above the pleasures of temptation.

(I could not help it when I imagined your hands all over her.)

III. I want ink etched onto my skin to capture the essence of never closing.

Never closing.

Never closing.

Of staying open.

IV. I cry randomly these days, or at least it feels that way.

I cannot even bring myself to call the ones who I miss so much that it makes me sick at night and in the early mornings.

How can you express love when a hug is so far away.

How can you express love when you are the one who has chosen not to stay.

V. A few nights ago, I dreamt that I was told the meaning of life by some extraordinarily peaceful entity.

(I have believed in love ever since.)

[fallawakewithme]

I.

I look at all the city lights, and all of them are another you and I, or him or her, or her alone, and well,- My heart aches, doesn't yours? Can someone tell me,- why is it, - why do I not know you. These city lights tear my heart in two.

[fallawakewithme]

I. I have saved up enough money now that I could go anywhere yet I stay here I stay here I stay here. I do not know if I am meant to spend my life here. II. I got upset today. I heard reason fought against my own and it hurt to hear. Mostly it just hurt that it hurt me. III. I cannot tell if it is a blessing or a curse, to meet such an immense number of people who are worth missing. Every day I miss my friends and family back in New York, - but God does my heart feel heavy, - when I think about leaving all of my friends who are right here, - right here beside me. Half of my heart will always be states apart.